(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Ohio – Email this week from a survivor contained this horripilating photo, below. Aboriginal hunters brandishing the head of a Sasquatch! Is this real historical proof of aboriginal responsibility for the North American Sasquatch hunt? The “Bigfoot Bounty” that almost wiped out our reclusive cousins?
I know what you’re thinking. I thought the same thing. The photo is clearly a fake. Aboriginal people are werewolves! Everybody knows that. And a werewolf would never hunt a Sasquatch.
Or would they? Read on for the shocking answers…
The photo, which hangs on the wall of a roadside diner in the heart of Ohio, depicts an aboriginal family posing for a photograph with the head of a Bigfoot, as if ready to redeem it for a wooden nickel at the local trading post.
And while we have no way of knowing for sure if these particular Aboriginal people are in fact werewolves, it seems very likely. After all, while it may be true that not all Werewolves are Aboriginal, it’s very apparent that all or most Aboriginal people are werewolves. Why else would these particular Aboriginals be covered in blankets like this in a photograph? Clearly they have just transformed back into human form, and have yet to locate their clothing and their friend on the horse has given them blankets to cover up.
So what of the Sasquatch head?
Well, clearly it’s a fake. Werewolves and Bigfoots lived in harmony. Everyone knows that. Sure sometimes they would argue over a favorite cave or tree. But they could usually work it out, bonding over Abominable Snowman jokes. Like, what do you get if you cross an Abominable Snowman with a Vampire? (Answer = frostbite.) Because at the end of the day, the Werewolves would transform back to Aboriginal form and leave the Bigfoot alone.
Furthermore, most historians now agree it was the feet that paid the bounty, not the head at all. Otherwise every hirsute human with a big bushy face would be in danger. Remember, this was in the days of the straight razor, way before my Mach VI and almost any man could be mistaken for a bigfoot on a bad day. Officials learned their lesson and paid for the feet – 5 cents a pair.
So on behalf of SOS, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of my aboriginal friends. We know that you, as responsible werewolves, had nothing to do with the eradication of sasquatch depicted in this photo.