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Meet the Polish Priest Who Texts With Satan

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Is there a textoricist in the house because Satan has officially entered the 21st century,  sending evil spam with his phone. Priest Claims Hate Texts Are From Demon Spirit

If you’ve ever received an unwanted text message on your mobile device, this supernatural news from a Polish priest engaged in a supernatural text war with Satan this week is for you.

Father Marian Rajchel began receiving hate messages from a demon that he believes to be Satan himself on his phone after a failed exorcism on a teen, reports the Austrian Times this week.

“Often the owners of mobile phones are not even aware they are being used like this,” he stated. “However in this case it is clear.

The father began receiving hate messages from a demon that he believes to be Satan himself on his phone after a failed exorcism on a teen, reports the Austrian Times this week.

Now spam is always evil in my books, but take it from this Polish priest, Satan himself could be behind those text messages. But how can you tell if a demon like Satan is spamming you? Read on to learn the supernatural signs.

Top 4 Signs Satan is Spamming You

1. Excellent spelling, grammar

Possibly it’s Satan’s well-known pride or perhaps a supernaturally good spellchecker, but when Satan messages you it will be completely without shortcuts.

That’s right expect no LOLs or puking happy faces from this demon, in fact not a single contraction mars his messages to the good Father. No, Satan’s messages read more like, “Shut up preacher. You cannot save yourself. Idiot. You pathetic old preacher.”

2. Perfect Punctuation

Again maybe because Satan is new to using digital technology, he does not subscribe to any modern ideas about punctuation. The text messages received by Father Rajchel are perfectly punctuated.

In particular, Satan’s correct use of the apostrophe is a dead giveaway. Whose really able to use those right anymore?

Satan, thats’ who….

3. His Number Contains telltale digits

Look for repeating numbers, especially 666. Yes I know, it’s a debatable clue with diverse interpretations, but when a demon picks a number, he or she is just like everybody else, looking for something easy to remember.

4. Unwanted Attachments

Although not reported by the Polish priest in regards to his current text chat with Satan, it’s always good to be aware that spammers in general, a supernatural spammers in particular are prone to forwarding unwanted attachments so don’t click on them, whatever you do.  Take the example of pop singing demon digger Ariana Grande and just delete any suspicious files.

If you do happen to receive a text message from Satan or any other demonic entity, above all, do not reply. At least until you can locate a qualified textorcist with supernaturally fast thumbs.

Which is entirely possible here on SOS, so keep on keeping on…

Creepy Dolls Left On Curbs For 8 Girls Mystery Continues

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When creepy dolls showed up on the curb outside the homes of eight girls, a California community feared the worst and the mystery continues as the maker of the dolls claims she meant it as a “kindly” gift.

Creepy dolls left on girls' doorsteps
Creepy dolls left on girls’ doorsteps

Eight elaborate dolls designed to resemble each of the eight girls appeared on their doorsteps in the middle of the night with no notes or message in San Clemente, California this week.

The girls, all ten years-old and all friends who attend the same church cannot be identified for their safety but photos of the dolls, shown here, have been widely distributed online.

Police investigating the incident have identified a neighbour they describe as a kindly old lady, who categorically denies being a witch and claims that her intentions were good.

But the supernatural survivology community today is asking the obvious question, can a creepy doll delivered anonymously at night ever be truly good? Even if the non-witch in question has good intentions? And what should you do if you wake up to find a creepy doll that looks like you on your doorstep?

Leaving aside the distinct possibility these dolls could be demon-possessed like the doll discarded on a curb in Singapore earlier this month, the tradition of old non-witch women and creepy dolls has a terrifying tradition that’s worth remembering.

Okay sure, the famous American Voodoo queen and Catholic non-witch Marie Laveau was known to use her dolls for good, as carriers of charms that could allegedly cure illness, grant desires and destroy enemies. Not to mention the fastest way for her to receive pound cake from the grateful people she helped. Marie Laveau continues to receive more visitors to her graveside in New Orleans than Elvis.

But not even an avowed non-witch can deny the Hoodoo trail of bad juju delivered by creepy toys just like this one. Hoodoo healing and luck comes at a price that goes far beyond pound cake and the destruction of ones’ enemies is always a messy business.

So if you receive a doll that looks strangely like you on your doorstep, what should you do?

How to Deal with a Doppleganger Doorstep Doll

1. Do not bring the doll into your home 

In fact, don’t even touch it. Toss a white sheet or plastic box over it and then call the authorities immediately.

In the San Clemente doll case, the eight families involved did the right thing by alerting the police – and the world – immediately.

2. Find out who delivered the doll and exactly why

Even if the doll came from a non-witch neighbour, it’s not enough to know that his or her intentions were, quote unquote, kindly. Kindly TO WHOM and WHY are the obvious follow-up questions that were never asked in San Clemente. If these dolls delivered a spell to restore health or wealth or luck to somebody, it’s highly probable these girls were NOT the intended recipients of said health or wealth but rather the raw material to be spiritually sapped for the benefit of a third party.

And if the doll carries a destruction of enemies spell? Clearly all bets are off. Who doesn’t have enemies?

But demanding to know who paid for the doll delivery might tell you who wants you off the team or out of the show – or it might not. Non-witches are nothing if not discreet about their clients and will be unlikely to divulge the details.

3. Inspect the doll for telltale talismans  

The doll will bear certain magicked objects that can reveal the recipient of the magic. These talismans can be anything from hair and fingernails to beads and jewels to articles of clothing. They may be sewn into the doll’s clothing or part of the doll itself so you’ll need to examine every inch of the doll, including any objects that came with it, as in this creepy doll case, the mouse slippers and a fluffy bunny companion.

GrisgrisIn the past, such talismans would be contained in a so called gris-gris, or leather bag like this one, but as the world got wise, witches became much craftier.

Oh and don’t forget to wear protective gloves and eyewear as you inspect the doll, even if you do suspect a witch and not a demon and there’s likely no immediate threat to looking the doll square in the eyes.

3. Demand the dolls’ removal

Yes even if you believe the doll was not sent to sap you of your health, wealth or power. If the original recipient won’t take it away, contact your city and inquire about possessed toy collection programs. Although often operated by a third party, most cities will have one.

4.  Above all, do not attempt to bury, behead, blindfold or re-gift the doll

If there’s anything we learned last week from the Singapore possessed doll case or the California beheaded doll discovery, it’s that passing the problem on to somebody else is supernaturally irresponsible. While it may protect you temporarily, you may only be delaying the effect of the doll on your life and the lives of others.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, please read about these cases here.

And please, keep on keeping on!

 

Researchers Race to New Portal at End of the World

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Researchers are racing to a remote region of Russia named the End of the World to solve the mystery of an infernal portal that appeared this week.

Fire and ice portal appeared at the End of the World this week.
Fire and ice portal appeared at the End of the World this week.

This enormous 262 foot fire and ice portal appeared out of nowhere in the Yamal Peninsula of Northern Russia, whose name translates into English as, “End of the World.”

The portal’s scorched rim gives way to an icy chute that slides down to an underground river.

Theories so far about the portal’s origin include everything from aliens, a meteorite, a stray missile or a methane gas explosion. While scientists around the world suit up to explore the portal, only supernatural survivologists are brave enough to state the obvious – this is clearly an infernal portal.

“Mysterious ice portals have a long history of going wrong. Things tend to come out of them,” stated Seth Greening on his website Seth On Survival, currently the 7th most popular website devoted to supernatural survivology on the Internet.  “I’m talking about the kind of thing that can possess and almost perfectly replicate your fellow researchers before turning them into monsters.”

Seth warns all researchers to consider maybe staying away, at least until the presence of infernal things has been eliminated.

But if you really can’t resist an infernal mystery like this and you must go investigate, at least familiarize yourself with the signs that one of your fellow researchers has been possessed by an infernal entity or demon or as scientists prefer to call them  in order to avoid any supernatural language – Things.

Has That Other Researcher Been Inhabited by an Infernal Thing?

3 Things To Thingk About

 

1. Research the other researchers inside and out

Infernal researcher-inhabiting things are capable of molecularly mimicking everything about a researcher except for the bits that don’t actually contain the researcher’s DNA. That’s why it’s important to know that other researchers has any fillings, facial jewelry, broken bones or replacement parts from the moment you meet him or her. The portal Thing won’t be able to replicate, and may even spit them out, so getting to know your fellow researchers in radiological detail is very important. Subtly ask them to see some old dental records and/or X-rays if possible, if not, a casual conversation comparing fillings and old injuries will suffice. Subtle is the key word here. Try to work it in naturally. “Pleased to meet Dr. Alexei. Mind if I check your teeth before we begin?” is just going to alert them to your suspicions.

2. Leave your dog at home

Infernal ice portal things hate dogs because they can identify them. If you bring your dog to the research site, it will be the first to die.

3. Bring a flamethrower if not a pile of grenades 

Unfortunately fire is the only way to deal with an infernal ice portal thing. Unfortunate because fire is also the best way to create a new ice portal. It’s just a paradox you will have to prepare for if you are planning on going ice portal spelunking with the researchers of the world.

And if you do decide to join the race of researchers at the End of the World, I hope you keep on keeping on.

3 Signs of Demon Danger from Singer Stalked by Satan

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A singer stalked by Satan serves her top three tips on how to know if a demon is stalking you.

Pop/R&B singer Ariana Grande says she has been stalked by Satan since taking a trip to a Kansas City cemetery.

Singer says she is stalked by Satan.
Singer says she is stalked by Satan.

“Stull Cemetery is known as one of the seven gates of Hell on Earth,” claimed the singer in a recent interview. “The Pope won’t fly over it.”

So of course she drove there at midnight. And while in the car she noticed three signs that Satan had been alerted to her presence.  A highly probable scenario to me since pop stars are considered prime targets by infernal forces skilled at identifying humans most likely to part with their souls for a song.

And so I submit, for your consideration, the three signs of demon stalking as related by Ariana:

Sign #1: Bad Smell

Ariana says that on approaching the gate, the whole car filled with the smell of sulphur, a sure sign of a nearby portal – or natural hotspring. Or both.

Also a reminder to survivors everywhere about the importance of eating an appropriate egg-free breakfast prior to portal spelunking.

Sign #2: A Fly In The Car

A persistent fly appeared in the car and began to buzz strange ideas into everyone’s heads. Ideas like, “What if we wore masks into the grocery store?”

Ariana rolled down the window to release the fly and apologized to the disrupted demons but there is no evidence this worked. The fly follows her everywhere now, buzzing in her ear and reporting back to its demon master on her every move.

Sign #3: Shadowy Faces in Photos

The singer says she took a photo in which three shadowy faces appeared. “Faces of textbook demons,” as she described them. Textbook demons may not sound as dangerous as say, Fulcalorian flesh flayers, but as someone who had a physics textbook fall on his head in the year 2000, I can tell you, they most certainly are. In fact, textbook demons are the number one reason most schools have moved away from the use of textbooks.

Ariana says that she immediately deleted the photo of these textbook demons, which was a terrifying 666 megabytes, but she did not immediately dispose of any textbooks in her car so it is highly likely the next time she goes to work on a math sum, the demons will return.

Since returning from her trip the singer reports disturbing dreams with a lot of  terrifying”red shapes,” in them. The dreams, however, appear to go away if she sleeps on the left side of her bed.

Archaeologists Uncover Bones of Demon Wolf Black Shuck Werewolves of Bungay Enraged

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As the bones of legendary demon wolf Black Shuck were uncovered by archaelogists this week, how will the shadowy Werewolves of Bungay protest this desecration of his holy bones?

Bones of legendary demon wolf exposed.
Bones of legendary demon wolf exposed.

Archaeologists uncovered massive 7 foot long wolf bones that had been ceremonially buried at a church in  Suffolk, England this week, and  confirmed they had found the secret grave of legendary demon wolf, Black Shuck, who terrorized church goers in the middle ages.

Famous for his flaming claws that burned scorch marks into church doors, Black Shuck terrorized church goers in the middle ages, attacking them when they knelt to pray. A survivor account by Reverend Abraham Fleming in 1577 describes a typical Black Shuck attack like this:

‘This black dog, or the divel in such a linenesse (God hee knoweth al who worketh all,) running all along down the body of the church with great swiftnesse, and incredible haste, among the people, in a visible fourm and shape, passed between two persons, as they were kneeling uppon their knees, and occupied in prayer as it seemed, wrung the necks of them bothe at one instant clene backward, in somuch that even at a moment where they kneeled, they strangely dyed…”

Strangely dyed indeed….

This sign of the Bungay Werewolves can be seen everywhere.
This sign of the Bungay  Lightning Werewolves can be seen everywhere.

The very strangeness of these deaths soon became apparent as Black Shuck went from reviled divel to the object of veneration by his survivors – or should I say strange dyers. Soon after a brutal Sunday attack in the middle of a lightning storm, survivors in the town of Bungay began inexplicably to hoist the image of Black Shuck everywhere, even putting him on their coat of arms to declare their allegiance.

And Bungay remains the flaming heart of Black Shuck’s demon wolf legacy. Even today it is said to be the seat of power for at least two different clans. Both Lightning and Shadow Werewolves may be found there at locations bearing signs that look like this —>>>

Just how will the werewolves of Bungay react to the news that Black Shuck’s secret grave has been discovered and his bones exposed to the world? Without a proper re-burial, will there be a full moon resurrection of the demon wolf?

I have contacted several villagers via Skype and Facebook with these questions and more but so far none will comment, clear evidence to me they are living in fear. Or else they are all in on the plan…

We’ll be looking into this one and more all week here at SOS. If you live in Bungay or happen to know somebody who lives there, I hope you will report.

Thanks for keeping on,

Seth

Starbucks Supernatural Symbol Scandal Now Serving Apologies, Holy Water

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Starbucks is fighting a supernatural situation this week serving up apologies and holy water to ward off a foamy supernatural symbol scandal fomented by a devilish barista. Don’t be caught in the CROSS-fire, read on.

Demonized barista made coffee and zap water at Starbucks.

The rumours began when Catholic coffee lover Megan Pinion from Louisiana, USA found these supernatural symbols in her coffee foam and grew with shocking revelations from customers around the world that the company has been serving up holy water charged with shocking powers.

“We have reached out to Megan on social media to apologize,” stated Starbucks when the supernatural symbol story broke. “We would also like to apologize to the witch and the demon who likely received crosses by mistake and urge everybody who receives any unwanted supernatural symbols in their coffee to turn them upside down before drinking.”

While the identity of the demonized barista has not been revealed, the story has fuelled speculation that Starbucks has been secretly slinging a supernatural situation with coffee foam and holy water.

Holy water? That’s right. Some time before Megan Pinion found her foam hexed with a pentagram and the number of the beast, Starbucks survivor Greg Allbright discovered that every plain glass of water you order at Starbucks (no ice, no straw) delivers a series of holy shocks.

Allbright first noticed the situation drinking Starbucks special triple-filtered water during a supernaturally boring business meeting at his local coffee shop when the liquid delivered a series of strong zaps to his face and lips. After he started blogging about it, customers from around the world came forward to reveal the same shocking situation happening to them and/or  people they know.

While Allbright suspects a simple electrical charge may be responsible, SOS immediately identified a clear link between the two shocking stories. I personally sent a sample of this special triple-filtered shock water to an official online holy water provider for assessment. The result came back 99.98% positive for the presence of blessed holy ions, making it official – Starbucks is now serving holy water with a powerful charge.

As Starbucks has yet to comment on the supernatural situation evolving within its stores or divulge the nature of its secret holy triple-filtering system – father, son and holy ghost anyone? –  Survivors of every persuasion are advised to check both foam and water before drinking and to turn all cups three times (counterclockwise) for good measure. It’s not clear yet what effect drinking an unwanted supernatural symbol will have on a drinker but the holy water taken alone delivers a series of zaps to your face and lips, roughly the equivalent of a nine-volt battery. While not necessarily a bad sign – indeed this is likely a sign the holy water is working – the effect can be shocking or even dangerous to the wrong being and likely indicates that you are or somebody you know is  part vampire or demon.

And nobody – including me at this point – knows yet what will happen if you drink a 666 latte simultaneous with a grande glass of holy water or alternate sips of each, so take heed! You could find a holy war – or worse – in your belly.

That said, Starbucks triple-filtered water is a generous offer for anyone who needs to stock up on holy water. It’s a holy charge the company offers free of charge to customers. Just make sure to ask for it without ice and use it without the straw for best results.