HALLOWEEN SELF-DEFENSE TIPS FROM THE VATICAN

But is saintly disguise really supernaturally safest?

Recommendation from on high for Halloween this year – disguise yourself as a saint to fool the demons of the night says the Vatican.

Now Survivors here know I have always said that an effective Halloween disguise is more than  your ticket to a holy haul of candy. It’s your first line of supernatural self-defence as the veil between worlds thins to a dangerous degree.

This year, the Vatican itself  endorsed my campaign. That’s right in 2014 the Vatican itself publicly endorsed my costume campaign, officially urging you to remember the real roots of Halloween and disguise yourself as a saint.

“Many say Halloween is a simple carnival, but in fact there is nothing innocent or fun about it – it is the antechamber to something much more dangerous,” stated Vatican exorcist Father Aldo Buonaiuto, of the International Association of Exorcists, before issuing his Halloween costume edict: Disguise yourself as a saint. 

Now ancient people like Father Aldo have always understood the real roots of Halloween and the reason for a good disguise but this is the first time one of them has recommended such a specific costume. In the old days, true fact –>> a responsible parents would just put a rotten cabbage or other giant vegetable on their kids heads. And anyone who reads this blog should know that I have been calling for a return to this practice since 2010.

Father Aldo, however, doesn’t hold with the rotting vegetable crowd. The good father says to dress up as your favourite saint. But should you really take the Vatican’s advice and scrap that clown costume in favour of some saintly robes?

What if your favourite saint is Saint Polycarp of Smyrna, the patron saint of dysentery and earaches? Or Saint Fiacre the patron saint of people with STDs?

Hmm on second thought Saint Fiacre might actually be a good choice..

Well presumably Father Aldo is referring to one of the more powerful saints, think the mighty Saint Catherine depicted above, or St. Francis. Of course, other religions have saints too. The Buddhist jackal man Śiyalipa comes to mind, or the chanty Hindu Sant Kabir.

But I just want to point out that while stigmata and holy relics may be of some use defending against certain ghosts, gargoyles and demons, they help you not if Halloween brings the zombies and vampires to your neighbourhood. In fact, the blood stains, fake as they may be, might actually attract them.

Not to mention all that candy is bound to bring on a CANDYMAN…

No, your best bet is still a stinking, rotten head of cabbage or other large vegetable.

Of course if you haven’t been carefully cultivating your fetid head gear by now then it’s probably too late for you. My second best advice in this case is still just this – the least you can do on this day is disguise yourself as something you’re not.

What I mean is, if you are a human, for heaven’s sake don’t go as a human. You’re not fooling anyone. If you’re a werewolf, consider changing it up and go as a zombie for once. That’s all I’m saying. Consider a saint if you want, by all means, just make sure you do your research and pick a mighty one, of whatever tradition. For dog’s sake, don’t count on Saint Drogo, the patron saint of unattractive people to help you under the evil eye of a vengeful witch.

Follow my advice this Halloween and your survival is guaranteed, 99.98%. Be sure and check back here on Halloween night when SOS will post the next  Monstrometer Report on this very important issue.