Dos and Don’ts For Krampus Survival
Krampus, the second most feared spirit of the season is officially on the loose tonight and sure to be roaming a street near you. Don’t be dragged to the depths of despair by this creepy Christmas cryptid, read and prepare your survival plan today.
An SOS red and green alert.
Krampusnacht, December 6 marks the start of Krampus’ killer season as official enforcer of the naughty list.
He comes armed with birch whips and chains for sure, and possibly killer cookies and elves, to drag you adn the ones you love most down the depths of the nearest hellevator shaft or portal.
But don’t despair. Armed with SOS handy list of Dos and Donts, you too can cramp Krampus’ killer style.
Tonight we start with the DON’T list
DON’T:
1. Don’t talk trash about Santa Claus.
Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick and enforcer, some say his older uncle, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious seaonalus, some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches.
2. Don’t complain about the food.
Nobody cares if you hate your aunt Greely gross fruit cake suck it up and smile. Otherwise you risk raising the ire of the Spirit of the Season that bring Krampus down on your Christmas.
3. Don’t peek at your gifts
A little shake and sniff is far enough don’t even think about peeling a corner of that paper. Think nobody would notice? Think again. He sees you when you’re sleeping… you really think he’ll overlook this one?
4. Don’t bite the head of that gingerbread!
For Christmas sake, start with a hand or a foot, at least until you are certain it doesn’t move or talk. That said, collecting only the heads is equally creepy so… use some discretion here. If there’s a polite way to consume the face of a vaguely human-shaped cookie, I urge you to find it before Krampus and his killer cookies find you first.
5. Don’t ditch your family.
You might want to hang with your friends but now is not the time. No, the spirits of the season demand you spend it en familia, soaking in some wise elder ways… or else… Would it kill you to hear Bubbies’s Hanukkah story one more time? No? Then listen up and learn it because the alternative just might.
And now you know what NOT to do. Stay tuned tomorrow night when we do the DOs. Until then, you would do well to review the intel on that other nasty spirit, the Icelandic Yule Cat and his cousin the GRINCH.
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