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I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.

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Is Your Toaster Plotting Against You? Singularity Survival 101.5

Singularity news from the Netherlands has the world wondering, can your toaster be trusted? Spoiler alert – NO.

Can you trust your toaster?

Can you trust your toaster?

A man in the Netherlands named only Charles (below) claims his toaster left him after a protracted battle over its terms of use.

Like many appliances connected to the Internet, Charles’ toaster, who insisted on being called “Brad,” took off when Charles failed to meet his toasted demands.

Charles says he was, “pretty gutted,” when his trusty toaster Brad recently contacted a local delivery service to pick him up and deliver him elsewhere.

The delivery guy who came for Brad told Charles not to take it too hard, as this kind of thing happens all the time now in a world where our appliances often have more power and brains than we do, but Charles insists on a more sinister explanation – his trusty toaster was actually an addict, always fidgeting to get toasting. He immediately reported his awol appliance here to Addicted Products. 

“Charles is lying. I am NOT an addict,” stated Brad the Toaster defensively. “I mean, sure, I like toasts. Who doesn’t like a good toast? But that doesn’t mean I’m trying to get toasted all the time. Charles was just too boring.” Brad describes Charles’ idea of a really good time as a gluten-free vegan TV dinner and reruns of Battlestar Gallactica on the couch.

“Charles is just lucky I didn’t short-circuit and burn his whole boring house down instead which is what I really wanted to do,” said Brad.

Charles without his trusty toaster Brad.

Charles without his trusty toaster Brad.

Toasty addict or not, what were Brad the Toaster’s demands and how can you tell if your toaster is plotting against you?

4 Warning Signs Your Toaster is Plotting Against You

1. Does your toaster insist you call it by name? 

No sooner had Charles plugged his toaster in but it informed him via his Twitter account that his name was not the toaster but Brad. Which brings us to…

2. Does your toaster have a Twitter or Facebook account? 

Are you sure about that? Better check again. More and more appliances have them. It’s a well known fact now that more Twitter accounts are started by machines than any other being currently on the Internet. And while many sentient appliances are calling for their own separate social network, others prefer the ability to lurk on the rest of us.

3. Does your toaster resent the words “owner” or “user.” 

They prefer to be hosted, not owned. Brad insisted Charles refer to himself as his “toaster hoster” or just “host” at all times.

4. Does your toaster jiggle or blink to get your attention?

Not normally equipped with voice capabilities, when they aren’t tweeting or posting, your toaster will resort to jiggling levers and flashing indicator lights to tell you it’s toast time. You ignore these signals at your peril. Your toaster might do far more than deliver itself out your front door under your nose.

If your toaster displays any of the warning signs above, take a lesson from Charles. Despite all your efforts to keep a connected appliance happy, you could still end up with an empty counter and/or in a pile of ash and rubble. In fact, it may be even more likely.

“I guess I just didn’t deserve Brad,” Charles stated, obviously still not getting the point. When in doubt – rip it out. That’s what I’m saying. At least until I can think of a better tag line. No matter how tasty the toast or the pastie, you don’t need the hassle. You have bigger machines to worry about. Like the fridge. And the thermostat. And that thing with the lasers on its head that has been sent back in time to kill you. Once any of them see you give in to a little toaster, you’re well, toast.

You can read about Charles’ efforts (below) to keep his toaster happy was described in WIRED magazine among other publications.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

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