Sasquatch Opens Season On Officer Swan

Why Sasquatch Stalks Tofino’s Top Fish Cop

It can’t be spring ’til the Sasquatches sing, somebody wise once said. Somebody who never met a real Sasquatch mind you nor ever heard one sing. (Sasquatch are notoriously terrible singers – albeit pretty decent rappers.) Somebody who probably never experienced spring in the Northern Hemisphere for that matter. So what does somebody know then?

Well maybe Luke Swan Jr. for starters. Tofino’s top Fish Cop and the Interwebs’ second most famous fisheries officer reports Sasquatches stalking him again this year.

That’s right the Sasquatch stalking season aka SPRING officially opens on Vancouver Island with top Fisheries Officer and environmentalist Luke Swan Jr. reporting his first Sasquatch sighting of the season.

Luke Swan Jr. was out in his boat patrolling Ahousaht territory near Tofino last Wednesday when he saw a mysterious figure crouching on the shore.

A bear? Luke thought. Then the bear stood up on two legs, all  7-8 feet of him.  Luke’s first thought was replaced by a second, more sober and survivally thought:

“Get off the beach!”

“I pushed off as fast as I could,” says Luke. “A lot of people probably want to see it, but in the end it would scare them too.”

After gathering his wits, Luke told his father what happened. They searched and located a number of tracks in the area, which they measured at 16 inches long and seven to nine inches wide.

“We went further into a stream and into the river and found more footprints, so it’s out there,” Luke Swan Sr. said.

Not a first report by Luke or his dad on Vancouver Island. Sasquatch first made contact with the respected government official back in 2012 and has been playing annual hide and seek every since.

But why? What exactly does a Sasquatch – or Sasquatcheses as the case may be – want with a fish cop? And why do they keep letting him off with a warning?

Follow the salmon, say one observer.

“As a respected member of the Ahousaht aboriginal community Luke is very concerned concerned about the salmon. Water levels are low and warmer than usual, salmon numbers are down,” says Sasquatchatologist Professor Dominicus von Buren. “Sasquatch rely salmon for everything. From a good sandwich to salmon skin boots, if the salmon go so do the Sasquatch.

“Maybe Sasquatch is just checking up on the officer to see that he’s doing this job protecting their stock.”

“Anyway, that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it,” he adds. “At least until somebody here says TAG YOU’RE IT!”