Groans from a gobsmacked globe today – the Grinch is back to his greedy old tricks, grabbing your trees, decorations and gifts. Has his head come lose again? Are his shoes too tight? No one quite knows all of the reason but read on if you want to save the whole Christmas season.
The Grinchy grabs began in New York, where hundreds of Christmas trees went missing on the same day, leaving no clues except eye-witness accounts of a truck marked: Grinchscaping Inc.
Detectives decided the green grubber had likely grown tired of grinching fully-decorated trees up the chimblies one by one and was now using a fake company in an attempt to strangle the global tree market.
His tree plot foiled, the Grinch’s next gambit was even more gruesome – and this time the stories all speak of a twosome! When Christmas decorations began disappearing in Texas, a greenish-haired lady known as “Mrs. Grinch” was arrested.
Unfortunately Mr. Grinch got away and gifts began disappearing the very next day. Reports rollling in now from far and near, California to London: the Grinch has been here!
“It appears the Grinch is not acting alone anymore,” stated one Grinch tracker. “I don’t care what kind of creature a Grinch actually is, nobody who rides a little dog like Max can move around the globe that fast.”
Is it true? Is our globe in the grips of a Grinch gang grub-grub? What exactly is a Grinch anyway? And more importantly, how can you protect your Christmas gifts?
Well who better and more convenient to answer these important supernatural questions than me, certified Supernatural Survivologist and writer of this article.
Seth: So Seth, tell us what exactly is a Grinch and just how many of them are there around the world?
Seth: Well Seth, first I have to admit that I have never scanned a Grinch. But just based on his general morphology, phrenology and psychology, I would guess he is maybe half-leprechaun, half-faery. I’m thinking mainly of his green skin, long, many-jointed limbs, his shrinking heart and his general love of shiny things. But I would have to scan one with the Monstrometer to be sure.
Seth: I thought the Monstrometer didn’t identify fairies yet.
Seth: It doesn’t. Yet. I blame Graham. He’s still going to school you know.
Seth: That’s crazy.
Seth: I know. How many university degrees do you really need to correctly identify fairies?
Seth: There are a lot of kinds of fairies.
Seth: I know. But still.
Seth: So what can we do to protect Christmas from these Grinches?
Seth: Well in the past, Grinches appeared to have a weakness for cute. Unfortunately, Cindy Lou Hoo grew up before anyone could weaponize her cute ray. If you think you have a cute little brother or sister, you could try parking them under the tree for the night to guard the gifts. If you don’t have that option, your best bet is still the spirits.
Seth: You mean the spirit of Christmas that will loosen the Grinch’s shoes and swell his heart?
Seth: No, I mean the spirits! The tree spirits! The ones who roam around in the cold looking for a nice, nutritious holiday tree to inhabit, The ones who eat all your traditional candy canes and popcorn strands and baconsil and won’t kill you if you feed them enough.
Hi I’m Zanna self appointed reporter on the grinch madness in my home town ________.
I asked some of the neighours if a Grinch came a calling.
Zanna: Mr D after hearing the news about the grinch what precautions did you take to protect your tree?
Mr D: Well Zanna I did what every loyal father would do I sat infront of the tree with my gun and waited.
Zanna: Did a grinch show up?
Mr D: I think one did around 3 in the morning I saw two yellow eye’s looking at me from the fire place. The next moment they were gone.
Zanna: Thank you Mr D. I’m now asking my other neighbour Mrs: H. How did you protect your tree?
Mrs H: We got one of thoses tree spirits see and it works but there greedy and always hungry. I went through twenty feet popcorn garland and countless strips of baconsil. The problem now is that it wont leave and I’m running out of baconsil.
Zanna: Well that sure is a problem . I myself chained the tree down to the floor and put a cardboard cut-out of a grinch infront of the fireplace with a motion detection device saying “all cleaned out” works great too.
Zanna: See folks if you take the time to protect your tree you too can have a Grinch free christmas. This is Zanna reporting from _______ . Have a happy holiday.
Zanna.
Not very many people can say that they stole a one sided interview with themselves. Bravo Seth, quite humorous.
I’m not worried about Grinches, I’m more worried about ScroogeSydrome, I think I had it, humbug.
Uncle Z your funny. :3
Lol!
Grinches… half mermonster? Doesn’t their hair turn green after a long time in water? And the Grinch(es)…live mostly in frozen water? Argh! Next time.. I leave the theories to Seth.
Most of the local rumors say that Grinches dwell in chimneys that haven’t been used for a while, their laughter can be heard through most of the day and several humans have reported seeing crazy faces in their chimneys.
Needless to say, these humans are really freaked out.
i have a grinch traped in my house i tamed him it twas hard and he almost killed me his hart was was so small i almost didnt see his hart in the x-ray.now his hart is bigger than mine! and hes nicer than ever.