Groans from a gobsmacked globe today – the Grinch is back to his greedy old tricks, grabbing your trees, decorations and gifts. Has his head come lose again? Are his shoes too tight? No one quite knows all of the reason but read on if you want to save the whole Christmas season.
The Grinchy grabs began in New York, where hundreds of Christmas trees went missing on the same day, leaving no clues except eye-witness accounts of a truck marked: Grinchscaping Inc.
Detectives decided the green grubber had likely grown tired of grinching fully-decorated trees up the chimblies one by one and was now using a fake company in an attempt to strangle the global tree market.
His tree plot foiled, the Grinch’s next gambit was even more gruesome – and this time the stories all speak of a twosome! When Christmas decorations began disappearing in Texas, a greenish-haired lady known as “Mrs. Grinch” was arrested.
Unfortunately Mr. Grinch got away and gifts began disappearing the very next day. Reports rollling in now from far and near, California to London: the Grinch has been here!
“It appears the Grinch is not acting alone anymore,” stated one Grinch tracker. “I don’t care what kind of creature a Grinch actually is, nobody who rides a little dog like Max can move around the globe that fast.”
Is it true? Is our globe in the grips of a Grinch gang grub-grub? What exactly is a Grinch anyway? And more importantly, how can you protect your Christmas gifts?
Well who better and more convenient to answer these important supernatural questions than me, certified Supernatural Survivologist and writer of this article.
Seth: So Seth, tell us what exactly is a Grinch and just how many of them are there around the world?
Seth: Well Seth, first I have to admit that I have never scanned a Grinch. But just based on his general morphology, phrenology and psychology, I would guess he is maybe half-leprechaun, half-faery. I’m thinking mainly of his green skin, long, many-jointed limbs, his shrinking heart and his general love of shiny things. But I would have to scan one with the Monstrometer to be sure.
Seth: I thought the Monstrometer didn’t identify fairies yet.
Seth: It doesn’t. Yet. I blame Graham. He’s still going to school you know.
Seth: That’s crazy.
Seth: I know. How many university degrees do you really need to correctly identify fairies?
Seth: There are a lot of kinds of fairies.
Seth: I know. But still.
Seth: So what can we do to protect Christmas from these Grinches?
Seth: Well in the past, Grinches appeared to have a weakness for cute. Unfortunately, Cindy Lou Hoo grew up before anyone could weaponize her cute ray. If you think you have a cute little brother or sister, you could try parking them under the tree for the night to guard the gifts. If you don’t have that option, your best bet is still the spirits.
Seth: You mean the spirit of Christmas that will loosen the Grinch’s shoes and swell his heart?
Seth: No, I mean the spirits! The tree spirits! The ones who roam around in the cold looking for a nice, nutritious holiday tree to inhabit, The ones who eat all your traditional candy canes and popcorn strands and baconsil and won’t kill you if you feed them enough.