Lava elves bitter battle with town continues after mayor agrees to move their church and then breaks it instead…
Lava Elves in Iceland take up arms again this week after the humans who agreed to move their church away from a proposed road project broke the structure in half instead.
“When we agreed to let the humans move it naturally we assumed they meant to move it in one piece! What do you do with half a church?” said enraged elf activist Fróðu, author of inspirational books that include Be Your Best Elf-Or Else. “When we agreed to let the humans move it naturally we assumed they meant to move it in one piece! What are we supposed to do with half a church?”
The church, known as Ófeigskirkja was located in the Gálgahraun lava field, about ten minutes outside Rykjavik, smack in the middle of a proposed route to the town of Alftanes.
After eight years of fighting the proposed road development, the Lava Elves finally agreed to allow the relocation of their church in exchange for a lucrative relocation package that includes protection for the environment, a lifetime supply of peach skyr and satellite televisions.
But the moving crew hired to relocate the elves’ 50 ton rock church last week reportedly broke the chapel in half during the move.
“Is this the thanks we get for guiding humans safely through the lava fields all those years?” ranted Fróðu referring to the Lava Elves tradition of warning travellers away from hot lava spots using the church beacon. “Wait until you see what happens to their construction crew now!”
“I’ll give you a hint. It smells like melted bulldozers.”
Icelandic construction workers remember the history of “accidents” that have befallen those who failed to heed elven warnings. These are so many that even non-believers would rather play it safe than risk incurring the wrath of the huldufólk or “hidden folk” as the Icelanders call them.
In fact many concerned workers are already refusing to begin work on the project.
“It’s not worth it,” said one worried dozer driver. “Do you know how many machines and men they melted in the seventies before the supernatural site conservation laws? A lot.”
The danger is so great that companies planning large scale projects now try to pre-empt problems with the supernatural world by hiring consultants with clairvoyant skills to check out the landscape first to ensure it was empty of elvish rocks.
But what if you have a suspicious rock in your hood and you can’t afford an over-priced consultant? Don’t let this happen to you! Learn to identify elvish structures before enraging the elves inside it.
How to Identify Elf Rocks
1. Location
Is the rock in the middle of a road? Elf rocks and roads go together for one of two reasons, depending whose story your believe. The elves say it’s because the best place to protect the earth and all its creatures is from the middle of a major roadway. And to be fair there are many, many reports of accidents averted by the sight of an elf on the road. But others suspect this elvish tendency is actually a form of piracy and for that matter you don’t hear as much about the accidents caused by an elf popping up unexpectedly in the middle of the road.
2. Inclusions
Is there something sticking out of the rock? Think a sword, spike or anchor but don’t rule out human legs which have also been reported. Point here is when it comes to elf rocks, things often get stuck in them for long periods of time. Like forever. Or until a once and future king appears to extract it.
3. Doors & Windows
Elves may be magical but they aren’t uncivilized. They prefer rock structures with windows and doors. No they won’t all be painted doors red with a giant Z on the front of it like the photo above – which was more likely marked by a human – but any rock with a number of openings and exits will do. Remember elves come in a range of sizes from slightly taller than a fairy to 8 feet in height so any rock formation is fair game, from boulders to caves.
I’m being hunted
And my connection to your realm keeps collapsing.
Something is attacking every point in my timeline… It’s causing this reality to cave in.
That might explain why there’s seven miniature versions of you smacking my foot with spoons.
Nevermind, it’s more like thirty, and the spoons are made of gold too…
Mutt, why would miniature versions of you be carrying golden spoons?
….it’s a long story. Suffice to say that certain parts of my timeline are starting to come out of continuity. I’m trying to establish a temporal shell around myself that should slow down the process.
Great! One of them found the void key..
Well that shouldn’t be to much of a problem… They should start disappearing… Someone just k|lled an earlier version of me… Permanently… The only thing keeping me from fading is this temporal shell. I think I’m in trouble Z.
More trouble than you think dear old Mutt. 😈
You….I always knew it would be you. Hello old Nemisis.
ARC is innocent this time, the one erasing you is worse than ARC. As satisfying as it would be if ARC was the one kiIIing you, ARC is not strong enough.
…golden spoons and Easter bunnies whaaaaht?…
And who hates Mr Mutt more than Arc?
Seth, keeping on
It is unusual that Zyboragon saved cookies on here. 😳
So if it’s not you, then who?
You already know, it is someone that dislikes you EVEN MORE THAN ARC.
The Easter bunny?
Have fun, insolent Mutt.
-appears via portal, grabbing the void key and leaving through the same portal-
Well, that’s interesting…
One of Mutt’s miniatures ate all my cereal, this annoys me greatly.
ARC is also annoyed.
Z we may have a larger issue at hand then just my demise. If I disappear from the timeline… Basically the multiverse will perish.
Don’t worry, I have an idea that you definitely won’t like.
I already don’t like it… What is it?
Simple, we need to keep you existing but frozen in time so you cannot be erased, so I’m going to freeze you in time inside of the atomigatzer chamber.
And since I’m going to need you to be able to move and help out, I’m going to download your mind into ARC.
…I mean the whole multiverse is kind of overrated isn’t it? Who really needs to exist?
Whelp! You heard him everyone! Nobody needs to exist! Now remember, when you’re phasing out of existence make sure you curl up into a ball, the less spread out your limbs are, the less pain you’ll feel!
Alright alright! Fine! I’ll download into freaking AR….. I… Z… Feel cold…
It’s only temporary, focus on the objective, not on the lack of emotions.
objective?… searching… objective found: find and neutralize threat to current timeline. Wait why is Mutt talking like this? Why is Mutt referring to Muttsself as Mutt? WHY IS MUTT TALKING IN THE THIRD PERSON!?!?!?
So ARC doesn’t do that on purpose? Interesting.
I want you to look at this picture of yourself, what is your first reaction?
Subject is Mutt. Mutt is a useless whelp. Hey wait No Mutt isn’t! Mutt is awesome! Error: separate data sets do not agree. Unable to reach satisfactory conclusion.
Alright, time for the fun part. Mr. MARC, load up schematic 24 in the “tool” archive.
Schematic 24 uploaded… Wait is this the ARC laser? Ooohh Mutt has always wanted too… Whoops… Mutt hopes Zyboragon did not need that side of his laboratory.
*I walk in through the gaping hole in the wall* Um… I probably don’t want to know why, but you set almost everything on fire.
Well, I guess this place could use some sunlight…
And no, that’s not the ARC laser, that’s actually a leaf blower that I modified slightly using gems from void suns and various parts from microwaves, cats, and time machines.
Also, it turns bears into turtles for some reason.
-reappears via portal-
Who’s genius idea was it to fuse Mutt and ARC?
Ugh how did AP find Mutt? Mutt does not like AP. Mutt also is getting fed up with speaking in the third person! Mutt is going to examine ARC’s language parameters.
Bears into… turtles? Well, that’s certainly interesting, and horrifying. Mostly interesting though. Oh, and hello to you Catveena. *I smile at you*
Who was the moron that programmed ARC?!?! The language parameters are fully integrated with the morality parameters! If Mutt changes it so that Mutt can speak in the first person, Mutt will also turn off the morality differentiator!
Hello *smiles at Akantha * I have a question what’s an Arc?
Hm. There’s a familar scent of trouble coming from this one.
*smiles and bats eyes* trouble! Why is it when a fairy shows up everybody expects trouble .
I’m not speaking in prejudice of fairies, I’m talking about you specifically.
* turns red looks down * what about me ?
What a lovely little gathering you have here.
* sits on ground hugs knees * yup
Mr Zyboragon it’s written that you grant wishes.
Not for you.
Well as fascinating as this is, I am going to have to get to business. Where have you hidden Mutts true body Zyboragon?
I could tell you, or I could just as easily not tell you.
For you see, it doesn’t matter to me Morgenstern, you’d still have to go through me to get anywhere near Mutt, and that aims extremely poor in your favor.
Mr Zyboragon I’m just inquiring that is what it says on your bio. Don’t mean to cause trouble * vanishes *
Not half as poor as you think old man. I’ve already defeated thirteen other versions of you that tried to stop me. And as for him, I’ve slain thousands… I honestly couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. This darkness inside me is so potent. So I’ll give you one last chance, Where Is His Body?
Oh that’s interesting really, now are you going stop trying to intimidate me or are you actually going to do something?
I have been. The body is not here, else I would have sensed it. Still, I will leave you with a parting gift, *darkness pools out of my body like a mist forming two vaporous dog shapes* have fun putting Mutt/ARC back together. *I disappear into a dark pool as the darkness leaps forwards*
A dog that barks big but backs off when the foe doesn’t flinch? I was expecting more from you, but I spoke the truth, so I’ll just be waiting for you to return as you’ll have to eventually.
How amusing.
I would remain hidden longer but hearing Zyboragon talk is getting rather annoying.
Alert! Alert! Godslayer detected! Everyone panic and run!
*I frown at Zanthere’s appearance* Well… Crap…
*I frown when Zanthre appears* σκατά
Hello error particles going in faulty session) help I keep thinking this! what is going on? (error form fading must restart say yes to continue)
An organic and a robot/machine thingy .
*looks around with interest *
Sorry don’t mean to intrude but I had to its not everyday one comes across a unusual variety of creatures.
* smiling and twirling my hair I nod and bow to everyone *
Ugh!!! am I gonna have to save those fool Icelanders again?!
Usually they respect the elvish boundaries and rules they’ve followed for 1200 years but every so often SOME IDIOT screws it up. They should make him suffer for a few weeks or until some sort of large peace offering is made. The British Isles and Norse Lands are some of the last areas elves live outside of Siberia.
Those idiots destroyed an elvish sanctuary you say?
That’s bad very Bad. Fortunately the Smart Icelanders are practiced at dealing with elves quickly and peacefully. They found out that lesson the hard way after mount Hella blew in the 1100’s.
Hail Fenrir,
Belated heartfelt thanks to you for keeping on keeping on with this SOS research in progress.
Exacty how did the Vikings of old deal with elves anyway?
Seth