Candyman Carnage Continues Candy Monsters Not Sweet

No sugar-coating this supernatural news Survivors, the Candyman carnage continues with clusters of new and deadly Candy Monsters congealing around the world.

Learn to protect yourself from the candyman carnage before one of these crawls out of the back seat –>>

Candymen -or Candy Monsters to be more accurate -~that’s right some of them are women! ~~ are a perennial summertime supernatural threat that can sometimes go unheeded in the howl of werewolves during the Dog Days or the evil twins who arrive with the Geminids

But rest assured as long as you keep putting nuclear reactors near candy factories and/or leaving cotton candy on hot car seats, these Candy Monsters will be a growing, gooey threat to your survival and mine.

Judging by the disturbing photos that appeared this week, it is past time to turn our attention back to these sticky supernaturals.

FAST FACTS ABOUT CANDY MONSTERS

1. Where do Candy Monsters come from?

While reports of so-called Candymen go back as far as the 1930s, these were isolated reports concerned cases of humans who got too involved in their own confections, clearly unrelated to the Candy Monsters of today.

Today’s Candy Monster clusters owe their existence to a number of overlapping phenomenon that begins with toxic sludge and ends with the fine print on you favourite candy. To be fair, what food chemist could predict the effect of gamma radiation on a bag of Boozle Beans? Was it the malic or tartaric acid? The carnuba wax or carmine colours? Or another reaction involving any of the 86 other ingredients listed?

We may never know all the chemical causes, all we can do is learn to survive the threat.

2. When do Candy Monsters strike?

While Candy Monsters are as diverse as the confections from which they come, early reports do indicate some patterns.

They prefer late afternoon and night. They almost never attack in the morning. The only one exception to this appears to be a report involving a very sweet cereal being eaten with ice cream and chocolate syrup for breakfast that resulted in an attack on one house. Metabolically speaking, they are not morning monsters.

Further, preliminary reports indicate they do not travel alone. They appear in clusters. Not herds like zombies but small packs.

3. How can I keep Candy Monsters away? 

How do you keep bears away? Think of Candy Monsters as giant, super sticky, oozy, gloppy bears that shoot acids and drop glop traps everywhere in a quest to consume every confiserie they can.

What I mean is, safe sugar storage is key. For anything beyond simple chocolate or vanilla ice cream, freezing it is not nearly enough. The brighter, sweeter, smellier, stickier and tastier your treat, the better chance it will attract a roving Candy Monster. Remember this: If the candy glows, a monster knows… so don’t leave it lying around. If you can’t eat it all, dispose of the remains in a locked bin at an approved hazardous waste disposal site.

4. Never try to trap a Candy Monster

I know, I know. I must have said it 4.6 million times by now but it bears repeating.

While some would trap fairies for wishes and zombies for dishes, the late-night munchies sometimes propels misguided people to try to trap a Candy Monster.

Sure they taste great. A single free-range Candy Monster like this one is an estimated source of at least 75 different kinds of confection.

 Mmmm… sprinkles…

But even if you aren’t squeamish about eating her admittedly tasty eyeball, you may not like the supernaturally sticky slime that shoots out of them. Do you really want to be glued to your couch for a week?

Well yeah maybe I do, but the point is, next time that could be a tetra-tartaric acid ray and you won’t have a couch left to sit on. Or a leg left to sit on it with.

And that’s assuming you’re dealing with only one. A dangerous assumption since the latest reports indicate the newest Candy Monsters travel in clusters.

For more about Candy Monsters clusters and how to bust them, please keep on keeping on in the comments below.