Disturbing reports this week from survivors Chris and Jane: ZOMBIE GNOMES!
When Chris and Jane first bought their home in a quiet American suburb, they immediately noticed the large number and strange behavior of the local garden gnomes.
“They looked like cute little statues at first, but they never seemed to be in the same spot twice.”
Although Chris could never catch the garden gnomes moving, he painstakingly tracked their movement and performed a few calculations to discover the truth. These roming gnomes seemed to all be converging on one house – his.
Concerned, Jane started asking around for help but the neighbors just laughed.
Called it “harmless gnome mischief.” Told her if she was worried about it she should do the following:
1. Plant ground cover with lots of vines around her house. Gnomes move slowly enough during the day that these vines will act as snares.
2. Install motion lights. Gnomes, like deer, have a caught-in-the-headlights response to sudden light.
3. Put up a pink flamingo perimeter. Garden gnomes are afraid of pink flamingos.
Skeptical at first, Chris and Jane took the advice. They planted a thick cover of Creeping Charlie and bought a fleet of pink flamingos from a birthday rental company and left their motion lights on 24 hours a day. So how did this happen (below)?
An SOS truer-than-true story.
After installing these security measures, Chris re-tracked the roaming gnomes and his calculations showed their movement had shifted, to a neighbors house.
(Jane felt guilty at first to have re-routed these dangerous garden ornaments to a hapless neighbor, but not guilty enough to warn them.)
Nobody expected what happened next. And nobody is sure how it happened. Weather reports from that night show a mild storm, with electrical shortages in the area, but nothing out of the ordinary. Little Timmy claims to have have seen a rabid dog. One of the neighbors pointed to a mysterious plant in one of the yards.
Whatever the case, what happened is this. Chris looked out the window that morning he saw a gruesome sight: a herd of roaming garden gnome zombies, laying waste to his pink flamingo perimeter.
When Chris came out with his shotgun, they ran away.
Survivors are being advised to lock all pink flamingos and small pets in the house and be on the lookout for any suspicious gnomic activity until we know more.
If you do plan to track the garden gnomes in your neighborhood, keep at least 5 yards between you and the subject.