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Walpurgisnacht Without Broom Burns

Witches Brooming to Brocken for Walpurgisnacht in 1899

Witches Brooming to Brocken for Walpurgisnacht in 1899

North Americans can be forgiven for thinking that “Walpurgisnacht” translates roughly as “Night to Purgis on Wall.” How else to explain the sudden spike in staggering, swilling, purgissing partyers on the night of April 30?

(“Saint Walpurga?” Right. Unlikely story since she died in February not April. And besides, no saint demands that kind of all night veneration, not even after exams.)

No it’s the witches, obviously. Walpurgisnacht, April 30 marks the end of the Season of the Witch. If Halloween can be thought of as their season opener, then Walpurgisnacht, April 30 is like their annual general meeting. On this night, witches of the world will fly, as they have for centuries, to various secret mountain top locations to compare notes of their witchy deeds, celebrate their witchy successes, hand out some witchy achievement prizes and other typical AGM-y kind of stuff.

Team building exercises for instance. As with most AGMs, it’s the team building games that hurt most. Nothing builds witch morale faster than toying with a tourist, especially those  humans who insist on trying to locate and crash these exclusive pagan parties on foot. Who will wake up on May Day – if they’re lucky – with a vague sense of fear and shame, but (thankfully) unable to remember a single thing that happened to them, a phenomenon known as “getting walpurgissed.”  Nowhere is this more common than in Germany, homeland of the witches’ Mecca – or Vatican or Salt Lake City (pick one) –  that legendary Brocken Peak in the Harz mountains, where the biggest, witchiest Walpurgissing meetings and parties take place.

So don’t be one of the Walking Walpurgissed! Take precautions, starting tonight. It’s a full moon and the first waves of witches have begun brooming their way around the globe to the appointed peaks. Inevitably a significant number of them will experience “broom trouble” along the way. As a result, whole groups of witches will touch down, very possibly in a field or on a building near you. If you see this – stay away! No matter how attractive or friendly they may first appear. With the clock ticking down to April 30 a witch will stop at nothing to get back on the highway – or skyway in this case. Above all, do NOT offer them a ride! This is a HUGE insult to any witch and  they WILL broomjack you, guaranteed.

Ancient people knew this, they used to build giant bonfires to scare them and even burn their own brooms so they couldn’t be jacked by these rideless witches. Today unfortunately, this is not advisable, what with fire ordinances. So just lock them up instead. Seriously, lock up your brooms, all of them in a closet or a heavy box. Somewhere far away from you. Even if the broom is made of plastic and other synthetic products because while in theory a witch probably can’t control it, in practice… you never know. Maybe lock up the vacuum cleaner too, just to in case.

And if it doesn’t save your life – it might just save you having to clean up this week. Worth a try anyway.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

22 comments to Walpurgisnacht Without Broom Burns

  • Agent RB

    * RB’s room has A51 and GRIMM written on the walls in what looks like at first glance to be red paint…
    It’s not red paint…*
    *the boy is takeing a nap oblivious to the graffiti*
    *he slowly wakes up half asleep*
    (This is in both Samuel’s room an Danny’s)

    • Hatter

      *walks into Danny’s room* wow there was like no guards outside that’s weird *shakes Danny’s shoulder* hey Danny I noticed you weren’t at tea yesterday, come with me and don’t look back at the walls.

      • Agent RB

        *Still half asleep the child follows hatter to tea*
        *he jerks up awake fully, remembering where he is*
        Hey pops I’m thinking about putting up some posters i found the other day on my walls, you want me to show you where?
        *he holds up a Ramones poster, a Beatles poster, and a Biters poster*

        • Hatter MT

          Sure Danny, oh and please call me hatter, “pops” makes me seem old and I’m 96 years at least away from being even a tenth the reapers age so please call me hatter or David

          • Agent RB

            *Danny runs into his room to put up the posters*
            *he drops them and stands shocked and horrified at his walls*

            • Hatter MT

              What Danny? *looks at the walls* is that red paint? I really hope that’s red paint.

              • Agent RB

                What is this?…
                Who are A51, GRIMM, why are they after me, what have I done?
                Wait, this isn’t paint it’s…
                Oh my…
                I think…
                I think I’m going to be sick…
                *he throws up into his trash can*
                What… What is the meaning of this..

                • Hatter MT

                  A51 is area fifty one put as a short form, and GRIMM is of course a referral to the grimm society of reapers, *shows the RS badge* which I used to work for before the birth of a famous cover story I used as a fugitive from them “Leonardo da Vinci” I don’t know why it is here but I do know they worked together at one point, my best guess is that A51 mistook you for Noah like I had done at first trying to get info and specimen from the underworld which would then be studied oh and general rule stay away from men in sunglasses

                  • Agent RB

                    How is that I can be mistaken for someone twice, I mean I look nothing like the man!
                    My powers are completely the opposite!
                    I am a liveing human being!
                    Not some soggy corpse named Noah!

                    • Hatter MT

                      Let me answer that with the storybook answer to my riddle “why is a raven like a writing desk?” Oh and Danny you would be amazed at how thick humans/mortals(no not you Seth) can be I was once mistaken for Jupiter roman god of the skies, even though at the time I was called Janus, it’s actually kinda funny how thick skulled they can be.

  • Agent RB

    Yeah, mabey…

  • Agent RB


    • Hatter MT

      Riddle me this Penelope if you had to choose between the world being saved and you continued life, would you choose to live or to save the world? That is the decision everyone makes every day and they choose both they don’t know how but they choose and get both, now if you want a more pressing issue think about how

      “people always want a magykal solution to their problem but refuse to believe in magyk” -Sebastian Stan

      Keeping that in mind you should try to walk a kilometre in a humans shoes, no don’t steal them it’s a figure of speech

      • Agent RB


        • Hatter MT

          Explain now or forever be in pieces

          • Agent RB


            • Hatter MT

              Call up matrix we have a certain organization to decommission oh and can you come over to my place to babysit I’m pretty sure you will be able to take care of Danny and Samuel(pick him up on the way over) if matrix agrees to my idea.

              Oh and reaper if your reading this please tell me you agree to the idea I have in mind btw when you get here face east and yell at the top of your lungs that game name I used to call on Hugh and William we will need them as well as the other volunteers to do what I have in mind,

              • Agent RB


                • Hatter MT

                  Easy Penelope, matrix will call for Hugh and William then I will tell them the enemy then tell them to call the others and the supernatural world along with the volunteers will storm A51, wipe it clean leaving them with nothing and matrix or I can (whichever one Danny/Samuel chooses)raise Danny/Samuel in peace

                  Oh and Seth the four words are a battalion’s calling card that the scouts of are Hugh and William

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