Are you heading back to school today, concerned about the prospect of being trapped in the cafeteria facing a zombie horde, armed only with a stale croissant to use as a throwing star? Not to mention a gruelling timetable that makes virtually everyone around you look exactly like a shambling zombie at 8:00 am?
SOS Report: Is Your School Zombie Safe Certified?
Sure you’ve done your own due diligence, with an excellent personal zombie proofing plan. You’ve probably written and/or at least reviewed your own Zombie Apocalypse Survival checklist.
(Maybe your checklist even looks a bit like this one here from a survivor, 26 Rules for Zombie Survival .)
But how will all your personal apocalyptic preparations help you if your school doesn’t even permit triangular foods, let alone an awesome muon chainsaw or semi-automatic?
That’s exactly why the Zombie Security Agency devised its Zombie Safe Schools program in 2005. Sure wish I thought of that… oh wait. Actually, I did think of it. Not to brag overmuch BUT I did write a very stirring email to them back in 2005 detailing the need for exactly this program.
Now I don’t want to alarm you but no amount of turning the lights off and hiding under your desk will help you if a roving horde of zombies rolls up to your school during physics or calculus class. Calculus is a particular risk due its taxing effect on the brains of new students. One by one, as students begin to get lost by the lecture, their brains slip from a state of active calculation in which short, choppy Beta and Gama waves predominate, to a state of daydreaming in which the long, day-dreamy Theta and even nappy Delta waves start rolling out. Zombies, as everyone knows, turn your brainwaves into something like smell and to a zombie, day-dreamers are a delicacy. Day-dreaming Theta waves travel longest and strongest, especially when they are amplified several times as the concentration of daydreamers in one place increases in the average calculus of physics classroom. It’s like a brainwave beacon that screams *BRAAAAAAIN BUFFET* to the itinerant zombie hordes.
(It’s no accident that 95% of the most reliable zombie survivologists are former physics majors.)
Now telling your glassy-eyed friends to pay attention is probably futile. I would advise turning your energy to your school administration instead. Ask your principal if this school is Zombie Safe Certified. If the answer is NO, you need to start a movement immediately to demand that your school become compliant.
How do I know if my school is Zombie Safe Certified?
1. A Zombie Safe certified school uses compliant glass in every window and door. Zombie compliant glass limits the transmission of Theta and Delta brainwaves.
2. Zombie Safe Certified schools use only zombie-proof door technology i.e.: PULL type doors not PUSH doors, with zombie-proof handles that actually require a degree of manual dexterity.
3. Zombie Safe Certified schools do not have escalators, they have old fashioned stairs. If your school claims to be Zombie Safe Certified but there is still a running escalator, chances are good somebody lied to Zombie Security inspector. You need to lobby for this change immediately.
4. Zombie Safe Certified Schools have a ready supply of food, water and blankets on hand, in case of a zombie siege. A zombie horde will move on but it may take a few nights of sleeping in the gymnasium. While not strictly necessary, it is great if your school has a good high-jumper and pole-vaulting program as well. Not only is pole vaulting theoretically an impressive skill for escaping zombie hordes, but those crash mats will give you a good nights rest when your school is under zombie siege.
5. You will find the official Zombie Safe School sticker somewhere in your school, probably on a window or door – see the sticker above. The sticker is issued by a Zombie Security Agency upon inspection of the school. If you don’t see the sticker in your school, please contact your school administration immediately.
And remember, if you haven’t made your own personal survival checklist, better get started. Thanks to my long-ago survivor friend and reporter, Lord’s Dragon for his awesome checklist, 26 Rules for Zombie Survival .
by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com