Resolve to Be Immortal in 2014

Should auld acquaintance forget to look any aulder this New Years Eve – watch out you may be partying with an Immortal.

We all have them, that certain friend who never seems to change or age. New Years Eve brings them out. Maybe an imminent Gathering or just to laugh at the rest of us, nobody knows. One thing is sure though. There is most definately more than one. In fact there appears to be more everyday. Why?

A few theories:

Theory #1: Turritopsis Nutricula

Yes, the immortality jellyfish who has defeated death with its infinite ability to age backwards and forwards between adolescence and adulthood. Teams of scientists around the globe have been working tirelessly to unlock the Turritopsis secret and exploit it in creams, elixirs and infusions. Have they succeeded in clinical trials? Does this account for the Japanese businessmen in love with Hello Kitty? Or the middle-aged American women reading Twilight with hair in pigtails? I’d like to know.

Theory #2 – The Methuselah Tree

The earth’s oldest living organism is allegedly an aptly-named Bristlecone Pine in the White Mountains of California. Its GPS remains an official state secret after the ill-fated Prometheus Tree survived 4,844 years only to be mowed down by a sample-happy science student.

Is the Methuselah tree out of the woods? California is reputed to have the highest concentration of Immortals on the planet. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

Theory #3 – Evolution of Homo Immortalis 

Our ancestors just needed puberty and Dad’s cave for ten minutes to give a selfish gene everything it really wants – immortality in a new little host

body. But now that humanity has grown more selfish than even its genes, with record numbers declining to participate in the genetic marathon of life, what’s a smart gene to do? Could we be seeing the first of a new breed of Immortals, Homo Immortalis? Afterall if a mere jellyfish can do it, spontaneously develop the genetic ability to just NEVER die, why not a human?

Theory #4 – The Chalice of Hebes

Hebes the Greek goddess of youth is said to have a magic chalice that can summon water from the Fountain of Youth itself. How can you get some? Unclear, but she has been known to bring it out and share this water from time to time for a good reason, like to help win a fight a fight or gain love.

Can she be persuaded to share some youth water with you? Unknown. But well-known fact – Hebe is also famous for her clumsiness and absent mindedness. For instance she has been known to  sometimes completely forget to put on a shirt before going outside.

I’m not saying you should try to trick Hebe into leaving her chalice with you, I’m just saying she might do or in fact have already done this on her own.

What does this mean for you? I’m just saying this New Years, forget about the donut and workout resolutions. Resolve instead to become immortal. Start by identifying and studying one of the Immortals living among us. Get close and learn. Not too close though! You can’t party that hard – don’t even try! Immortals have a vastly different risk-assessment scale.

Then please do report back. We’re not getting any younger!