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Zombie Outbreak in Texas!!!

Hail Survivors!

I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.

Read more here: Zombie Attack!!!

Seth

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New Jersey Zombie, Demon or Alien?

(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Sunday, May 27th Hackensack, New Jersey: Just one day after the terrifying zombie/cannibal case in Miami, this terrifying report from supernatural reporter & survivor Mr. Mutt:

A baffling case of self-mutilation is leaving people wondering: Zombie, Demon or Alien? You be the judge.

Police were called to the home of a Mr. Wayne Carter after a neighbor reported seeing Mr. Carter cutting himself. When police tried to stop Mr. Carter he began to slash at them and throw parts of his intestines at them.

*WARNING THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS DISTURBING FACTS* It does not get better from here. Proceed to read at your own discretion. SOS assumes no responsibility for any gory nightmares or loss of appetite induced from continuing to read. 

Another disturbing zombie junkie incident?

The police naturally thought this to be strange, and most survivalist experts agree this seems to be supernatural. However none of them can agree on what Mr. Carter is.

Here’s the facts:

-While there are insolated cases of zombies throwing ribs at their victims, throwing intestines has never been recorded.

-Demons on the other hand typically enjoy mutilating things, and then throwing the pieces at people however they don’t usually mutilate the person they’re possessing.

-Finally Aliens. Some aliens do have extra intestines which they can use to fling at attackers but typically they just pull out the entire intestine and don’t bother with knives.

When asked what he thought a policeman had this to say “what?” which about sums up the situation.

Police managed to subdue Mr. Carter after spraying him with pepper spray, Twice, he is now in the hospital so Monstrometer analysis is impossible. So what do you think? Inventive Zombie, Emo Demon, or a knife-happy Alien?

Mutt Out

What do you think was responsible?

The May 27th, 2012 attack in New Jersey was committed by?

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30 comments to New Jersey Zombie, Demon or Alien?

  • Zyboragon

    Alien. Hands down.

    • Annette

      Z, is Bebe still at her meeting? There’s a mutated seal in her house.

    • Mr. Mutt

      See I’m more inclined to think it’s a Dëmonic possesion.

      • Annette

        I’m more inclined to think my mom is a giant, beached whale!!! How the hell did this happen?!?!?!?!

      • Zyboragon

        Well, Body snatchers if you will, typically remove all internal organs so they can wear our skin like a suit. There have been a few cases where body snatchers need certain organs and will keep the organs intact, if you live on a different planet your breathing patterns are different, this would make the lungs a very important tool for surviving. If they’re running off of a body like this, they will often remove other “items” from the human body and replace them with their own. This can lead to off color patterns in the skin which would also explain why some aliens look like blue humans, I believe that the knife was for protective reasons, if you’re removing your anatomy structure you are left quite vulnerable.

        • Zyboragon

          “Our skins” meaning as the general population of the site, aliens can snatch many types of bodies.
          I thought I should clarify that.

        • Hail Z,

          A compelling argument for aliens here.

          Are you aware of any species who proceed to would weaponize these unwanted human parts as the article suggests? And if so, how can I make sure that I never meet one?

          Thanks for keeping on,

          Seth

          • Zyboragon

            Everything wants to survive, if you want to live you can use anything as weapon, it’s a strange weapon but it works, just like a certain somebody using a plunger.
            The process must hurt the aliens, I’d suggest avoiding areas where you can hear something shouting in pain.

      • Hail Annette,

        Beached whale?!? Whaddimiss? Can anyone translate?

        Seth

      • Hail Mr. Mutt,

        What makes you suspect demonic possession after all? Your article led me to believe you had ruled it out. Do you have any new information or insights into the events?

        Seth

        • Mr. Mutt

          Well I would agree with Z on aliens but the incissions were rather sloppy. An alien who is assumably very intelligent wouldn’t botch something like that. However if cornered a Dêmon may try to make an opening for them to exit. They usually exit through the mouth however sometimes they get turned around in our body and can’t find the exit, can you blame them? The anatomy is very confusing especially if your a small cloud of black smoke. So it is my theory that this dêmon was trying to make an escape hatch and got a little caught up in being a dêmon, I.e. Throwing unpleasant things at policemen while mutilating a body. By the way, your welcome for the nightmares! (-;

          • Mr. Mutt

            Also I was attempting to emphasize how confusing this was. I also stated that Zombies don’t usually throw intestines, and that Aliens probably wouldn’t hack them out.

          • Zyboragon

            When cornered, anything in existence can make their work sloppy, the evidence suggests that whatever did this was in a hurry.
            Great work or survival? Choose between the two.

    • Now there is a poll so you can vote! (see poll above)

      Seth

  • Hail Mr. Mutt,

    Thanks for sending this disturbingly accurate 99.98% truer-than-true story. I’ve been thinking about it:

    1. I concur with your assessment re: demons. Properly possessing an individual normally takes a lifetime of hard work, no self-respecting demon would want to just throw it all that away like that (pardon the pun). That’s why they fight so hard against exorcisms.

    2. Re: alien intestine flingers… REALLY? Wow. I had no idea there was a kind of intestinal lasso-wielding aliens. What planet are they from? Remind me to never visit.

    3. Zombies. Here is where it gets weird. I recently read an article by The Doctor who claims this is what happens when zombies take drugs. Are these junkie zombies? Zombie junkies? Zombies who take drugs? Or junkies who turn zombie? Or zombies who eat junkies? Very confusing.

    In any event, it’s a terrifying thought. Thanks for the nightmares, I mean the article, Mr. Mutt.

    You know Graham thinks we should start an SOS journalism prize. In honor of you and everyone who has ever submitted one, I think I will take him up on that. Let me figure out how it could work and be fair and I’ll make that announcement.

    Thanks for keeping on!

    Seth

    • Zyboragon

      Prize? Is saving lives not enough now?

    • Yes this may or may not be a fact so I’m gonna go with being 98.14 percent true on this and say that the man was on a drüg called “Bath Salts” now I don’t know about you but I would say that zombies or cannibals may be trying to smuggle some kind of… Hünger enhancing… Drüg to all there fellow man/undäad man. Now I may or may not be right I’m just going by what information I can get on the web.
      And no still haven’t come up with a catchy catch phrase… So two things that need to be done.

  • mrjaffa

    Just a man on drugs.

  • Yeah of course that’s not the only thing that could be related to the zombieness going on. Now I need to think up a catchy catch phrase.

  • Hail Survivors,

    An interesting comment from Quinlan, who suggests the zombie junkie story may be a cover up and gives historical examples.

    Personally, I still think zombies are the only ones who should ever take drugs.

    Seth

  • Mr. Mutt

    Has anyone seen a cloud of black smoke floating around?

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