Missile-toe Drone Self Defense
By Baldur, just when you thought you had all your seasonal survival bases covered, from that tactically tacky sweater to ward off the dread Yule Cat to a traditional tasty tree to deal with supernaturally sad spirits, some saucy cyborg corp has to go and put the missile back into mistletoe.
Don’t be caught on the wrong end of this sticky payload. Prepare for attack from above.
What are you droning on about today, you ask? Exactly! I say. Drones. Drones armed with mistletoe that’s what. Survivors of a vicious mistletoe attack in San Francisco are sounding the alarm. A diner at TGI Fridays in San Francisco barely managed to escape with her face after a sneak attack by a drone like this one->>.
Like a “huge bug,” the drone attacked Georgine Benvenuto during dinner, sunk its hooks into her face and proceeded to try and reel her in.
SOS readers know well the true menace of mistletoe The parasitic plant has been historically used as a deadly weapon by everyone from demigods to angry forest spirits, witches to cupids.
A now in cyborg warfare. Even your old mistletoe survival rules won’t help you this year. So let’s test a few new ones:
1. Jam The Signal
If you have a signal jammer app, make sure you have it handy. If you don’t have one yet, I would suggest downloading one before leaving the house for a bite. Or anything else.
Then be sure you have enough power to leave the app open and running throughout the entire meal or you may not like the dessert.
2. Wear a Hat
I’m not a fan of the tinfoil lid purely on the grounds of vanity but you could do worse when the mistletoe machine arrives at your table with its poison payload.
This year though I’m going for wool. Knit wool with metallic thread will provide more than just good insulation and prophylactic protection, I hope it will ensnare and short the hovering drone.
3. Keep Your Food Covered At All Times
I recommend ordering a takeaway container even if you plan to sit and eat. Then open the lid only wide enough to extract your next bite. This protects you and your food from any mistletoe fallout. Not to mention your fries from your girlfriend.
But seriously, you know what happens when mistletoe lands right? If not please review. You don’t want it to land on you.
4. Look for the Driver
Just who or what is driving that droid? If you can locate the force behind the attack all you have to do is take them down… then you can finish your dessert in peace.
Of course it’s one thing if the driver is some minimum wager with a joystick hired by TGI Fridays to stir things up, quite another to find yourself facing Amazon or Google. So whatever you do, don’t order ice cream.
5. Pre-emeptive Kiss
Now I know this is controversial. A lot of dangerous bacterial transfers can be attributed to this activity. You could end up a zombie or worse… dating you ex. Nonetheless it remains true that sharing a pre-emptive kiss with somebody close to you will abort a mistletoe attack.
So don’t wait for the drone at your dome, just pucker up and plant one on somebody close. Preferably somebody you like. Just make sure they aren’t chewing anything you don’t.
➥ And be sure to keep on keeping on with the latest survivor reports unfolding here on the pages of SOS. You won’t be disappointed. For the sake of survival not to mention the first documented use of the word BALORFING alone, it’s worth it…
by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com
Hi, I don’t know if any of you know me, and I know people look down on people for this kind of thing, but could some of you check out our website? Me and two friends are doing a blog that is occasionally updated, and I have a podcast with one of them. The first episode will go up at least three hours after I post this, the link to the website is nothingempire.weebly.com and if you hover over the “Origin Of Unoriginal Content” tab, you’ll see the “Empire Of Silence” which is the podcast. I ask that some of you check it out, and if you like the website then please tell some other people about it, considering we get like 3 unique visitors a day.
Lilith sat at her desk, filling out forms and paperwork. She would glance out the window behind her, looking over the cityscape of London. A secretary would occasionally walk in and hand her some new forms. Cortez sat lounging on a nearby couch, not contributing at all. As usual.
“Do you think he’ll do it?” Cortez said, munching on some cool-ranch Doritos. Lilith shrugged. “Well do you think he’ll survive, at least?” Lilith again shrugged, not looking up from her papers. “Well if something happened and you ressurected him, he’d owe you a debt.” Lilith’s pen abruptly stop writing.
“I’m not willing to expend the time or the resources to do such a thing, currently,” she mumbled.
“And Shade?” Lilith looked up, finally. Her lavender eyes met Cortez’s dark ones. “Progress is,” she smiled. “Well, progressing.”
Noah sat at his desk, filling out forms and paperwork. He would occasionally glance at the window behind him, looking over the city scape of London. A secretary would occasionally walk in and hand him some new forms. Penelope sat lounging on a nearby couch, not contributing at all. Unusual.
*Penelope taped her claws nervously, scratching the antique wood*
*Noah looked up from the paperwork*
So the deal, did it go through with or without drastic measures?
*Penelope smiled*
Well… You see… It’s… Um… In Big Ben, yeah… And I was just about to go retrieve it for you…
*Noah rolled his eyes and looked back down at the paperwork*
Be back with the void key ASAP, or don’t come back at all…
*penelope walked into liliths office as a secretary whisper into liliths ear of Penelope’s presence…*
*Penelope sets down the violin case holding the obsidion violin on her desk*
I’m not asking for a deal Lilith, I’m begging…
TL
Lilith smiled. She gestured to the violin. “What is it. Why would I want it?”
*penelope smiles as she picks up the violin*
You want it so no one one else can have, for what it has the potential to do to you…
*penelope plays a single note as cracks flow down Lilith’s skin like a porcelain doll, a chip of her skin falls and shatters on the ground as Lilith sits shocked, between the cracks can be seen a glimmer of one of her many inner forms*
It’s the tool of hunter, specifically designed for you, a single concerto could ruin you…
*penelope plays the same note flat as her skin is instantly repaired…*
The price is the same as before, a single void key, do we have a deal?
TL
Lilith runs the area where the crack was. “Who crafted this wicked instrument?” Lilith thinks for a moment. “Where did Noah come across this monstrosity?” Lilith pulls out the chrome-silver knife. “For this key,” she began to say, red words and letters began to blaze like fire on the key, the violin, Penelope, and Noah. “You will relinquish into me that violin,” she said, pointing to the obsidian instrument. “Deal?”
*rubs
Moddddd
*penelope eagerly shakes Lilith’s hand as the key and the violen switch possession*
Think back to your days spent back in Salem Massachusetts…
Remember the man who accused you of witchcraft…
The one you sentanced to exile…
Well he went back to Vatican City where he and his fellow priests formed the Orchesta De Christo…
This instrument belonged to the concert master…
They’re is an entire symphony of obsidian instruments out there…
Noah was barely able to aquire this one…
TL
Noah sat at his desk, filling out forms and paperwork. He would occasionally glance at the window behind him, looking over the city scape of London. A secretary would occasionally walk in and hand him some new forms. Penelope sat lounging on a nearby couch, not contributing at all. Unusual.
*Penelope taped her claws nervously, scratching the antique wood*
*Noah looked up from the paperwork*
So the deal, did it go through with or without drastic measures?
*Penelope smiled*
Well… You see… It’s… Um… In Big Ben, yeah… And I was just about to go retrieve it for you…
*Noah rolled his eyes and looked back down at the paperwork*
Be back with the void key ASAP, or don’t come back at all…
*penelope walked into liliths office as a secretary whisper into liliths ear of Penelope’s presence…*
*Penelope sets down the violin case holding the obsidion violin on her desk*
I’m not asking for a deal Lilith, I’m begging…
TL
Hatter appears in front of noah, “you know your actually mirroring liliths actions exactly, so ask yourself, if you were lilith what would you want in return to a thing that only works in 1 direction?” He splays with a newtons cradle that has no use being there “anyway, all you have to do to get anywhere is say ‘please’ then I get you there”
*Noah looks up at hatter*
That’s the problem, if you were to get me and my ark to the void, you could just as easily get us back, I’m taking a huge risk being in the mortal world for the void key, I’m not willing to take another…
*Noah’s eyes dart to the window as he quickly shuts the curtains, he begins to whisper to hatter*
They’re here, the reaper corps has been on my tail ever sense that little incident concerning you…
*Noah sighs*
This is the second reason, they’ve also been tailing you, if you were to teleport me to the void, that would be sure to send up a red flag…
Get out, it won’t be long before they triangulate our exact position…
TL
I whisper to noah wondering why we are whispering “Noah, if they were tracking me I would be dęád already. Anyway, they absolved my record when I pointed out the ‘You’ my little sculpture were made from what amounts to wet clay and you would only have them on your tail if you had done something really stupid.” I flip a coin and place it on the back of my hand ” heads they are tracking two flower pots, tails they forgot what they are doing ok?”
*Noah looks at hatter with a confused looks*
Well duh they told you your crimes are absolved, it’s because they are!
This isn’t a legal matter, this is strictly off the books, this is a hit!
This goes way back with you and them, and your most recent interference has finally made them snap, now I’m bundled in because I’m associated…
*a small orb bursts through the window as tiny pores on the sphere release a glowing gas*
*Haley falls out of the shadows covered in dirt. When she falls she spills out a glittering green powder causing the gas to dissipate and the orb to disappear almost instantaneously* Well, I didn’t plan for that to happen, but I suppose it worked well enough *Haley smiles sweetly at Noah and Hatter* care to explain in detail? because you two are the WORST whisperers I’ve ever heard. ever.
Long story short I was never one for rules, neither were any of the other people in my generation, then because of how much Noah both loves and loathes humans he is now seen as my accomplice, now the grimm society of reapers in association with a group called the shinigami want to kill me and send TL here back to clay. It’s all very technical stuff and I need a few things from my workshop in wonderland *i scribble down a Bizzarre list of clockwork items and hand it to haley* can you get those things? It’s important i get them
*Haley walks towards Hatter, her arms full of the odd items and set them gently in front of him* there ya go! Took a bit longer than I thought to find them though, so sorry for the wait.
“Well thanks anyways” I say as I take the items from Haley putting them together into a recognized form of a clockwork man, then I take a mask out of my inside jacket pocket and whistle the morse code for “recreate from the lords” and turn back to Haley “oh and can you tell the reaper that he shouldn’t go into work tomorrow?” I turn to noah “if they thought what I did before was treason wa-hoe their in for a surprise”
Done diddly done it, told Akantha too. (she’s been working part-time since Halloween)
*I walk down the halls of Liliths building a blood red sword in hand. It had taken much longer to obtain it then I had anticipated, and had cost me both in pain and in favors. Handing the darn thing over to Lilith would be hard enough without Susan yammering at me* “This is insane! Why are you giving this incredibly dangerous and powerful weapon to Lilith!” *I keep walking trying to keep my voice even* for the last time, if I don’t she will sell the rest of our species, our family, off to the highest bidder. We have no other choice of we want to save themselves. *I can feel Susan’s eyes boring into me* “We could always just ran that sword down her throat. She can’t own anything If she’s deceased.” *I stop and look at Susan* listen, Lilith is easily 100 times out age. She’s been around for a very long time. Do you think of it was easy to murder her she would still be around? Besides that she probably has some sort of contingency plan that causes all Hybrids to be dumped into a sun if she is murdered. *I begin walking again* if you didn’t want to go through with this deal you shouldn’t have helped me. *I hear her sigh and then begin to follow me. I reach a large set of ornate doors and knock twice*
The doors open at the Hybrid’s knocks.
“And where,” Lilith said, not looking up from her paperwork. “Is the horse?”
*I raise my eyebrows* call me paranoid but I would Iike to see the contracts before I bring the horse in. Rest assured its stowed away somewhere safe.
Lilith looks up from her paperwork, had pen stops writing. Suddenly, from under the desk, lavender fires sweep across the floor, engulfing the walls and ceiling before long. Cortez sniffs as he watches the pyrotechnics display. Contracts flutter out of the maelstrom of fire, exiting through the opposite wall they appear out of. Lilith rests her head in her hand, leaning on it. The last of the contracts fly through and the flames die down, returning the room to normal.
“Satisfied? Now,” she says. A glint of bright red from deep within her pupil, a tiny pinpoint of light, shines. “Show me the horse.”
*I stare at the contracts for a moment before nodding* Fine. *I snap my fingers and a young boy emerges from the shadows leading a giant horse. The horses size would have been its defining feature had it not also been blood red with orange eyes that glowed like atomic craters. It snorted angrily and tried to pull free from the boy who stood straining against the horse with a look of fear and disgust.* the Horse and sword of War, as promised.
Lilith stood and walked out from behind her desk, her heels clicking on the floor. She wiped some imaginary dust off her blue suit. Her skin blazed bright with fiery words, and she took the reins of the horse. The sound of whispers echoed in Morgenstern’s ears over and over again.
FOR THE SWORD AND MOUNT OF WAR, SECOND HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE, ALL HYBRIDS OF LILITH EDEN SHALL BE MADE FREE.
Lilith looked to Morgenstern, the horse having calmed down somewhat in we grip. “And what of you, Morgenstern. “Is this deal satisfactory?” Fiery words of the contract crawled all over Morgenstern’s skin.
*I glance down reading the words carefully* they are. Though why magical fire arm tattoos caught on when dealing in magical contracts is beyond me. *I look directly at Lilith* now for the other matter.
Lilith ran her hand through her hand. The same fiery words crawled over the Blade of War and the horse, both disappearing, simply fading away to wherever Lilith sent them.
“I assume you’re referring to dear Lizzy?”
*I shift subtly my mouth curls more into a snarl than a frown and my eyes flash* yes, I am speaking of Elizabeth.
Lilith sits upon her desk, legs crossed. She looks to the ceiling. She smiles, lost in thought. “So, just how much is this woman worth to you, Morgenstern? How far will you go save a soul,” and with this looks directly in his eyes, all emotions disappearing from her face, malice and malevolence all that remained. “A soul that you let fall into damnation. A soul you watched sink to the lowest of lows. An innocent girl, used up,” he grip on the desk tightened, the wood starting to crack and splinter. The temperature in the room began to drop dramatically, frost forming on the window the stretched wall to wall behind her, spreading among the book cases and covering the floor before long, creeping slowly into the hallway just outside the office. As they breathed, the breath of the hybrids shown like fog. Cortez shivered, the malignant energies radiating off Lilith caused the response more so than the cold.
“Poisoned by the men around her, thrown away, cast out like she was nothing,” Lilith sneered. “I am thankful, that I was there for her, when no other was. You should have seen her when I found her in that pit, driven mad by the primordial Darkness.”
*For a moment I remain completely imobile. Then my mouth opens very slightly and I hiss at Lilith*Shut UP! *My body begins to tremble as I try and fail to remain in control. Fire blazes up all around me causing Susan to jump back with a yelp. I glare at Lilith and begin to walk slowly towards her my feet leaving burn marks in the floor* Imagine being trapped within your own body, while an alternate version of you makes all the wrong choices. *Books begin to fly off the shelves and into my wake, almost like a magnetic pull* imagine being unable to do anything accept watch on in abject horror as that version of you slaughters the love of your life, and then destroys your entire universe, leaving it a burning empty void. *fire flickers all over my body dancing across my arms tracing my veins and arteries* Imagine waiting in agony for the powers of nature to lend you enough strength to take hold of your body, and knowing that even if you control it that your other self will be able to sieze power again with ease. *The lights all shatter and suddenly the only illumination is coming from me and the flames that swirl around me* imagine severing yourself from your body, effectively cutting your power in half and then crafting a new body from shadow. Imagine trying to get a guide into the underworld to save your love, but having to mask your intentions so that the other version of yourself doesn’t try to stop you! Imagine your wings being ripped from your back!! *Fire surges from my back taking on vague wing shapes* Imagine finally going into the underworld, finally there to rescue your love, and finding it devoid of her. Then returning to the surface to find your enemy has found her and turned her into their own personal play thing *Both my hands slam on Liliths desk and fire erupts all around them as I glare directly into her eyes while mine burn like minature suns* I NEVER abandoned her. And there is absolutely nothing I will not do to save her.
Le mod
Lilith watched Morgenstern’s display. She sat supernaturally till, not blinking, not even breathing, simply in awe of Morgenstern’s overwhelming passion. His fury. She touched a hand to his cheek.
“Beautiful.” She placed a kiss atop his forehead. “While your raw emotion is tantalizing to observe,” she said, stroking his cheek. “I am not moved.” She disappeared than suddenly reappeared in a seat adjacent to Cortez, who had been watching Morgenstern eagerly, like a fanboy. She watched Morgenstern and Susan with curious eyes. She smiled.
“Say, Morgenstern,” she said. “What if I told you…” Lavender fire erupted in a wall behind Lilith, purely for dramatic effect. She pointed directly at Susan. “To end her, in order to free Elizabeth? What would you do then.”
Cortez pipped up. “You wouldn’t do that! You wouldn’t gain anything!” Lilith glared disapprovingly at hi
“Alright, Morgenstern. Given that your feelings for this woman are genuine, I will cut you a break.” She locked eyes with him. “Are you ready for this?”
*I glare at Lilith with pure malevolence* if I were to do that I would cease to be me. I would become a loathe some creature, one even more lost then Elizabeth. So in short No, because I would not be the person I am if I did that.
“Bring me the Scales and Horse of the 3rd Rider of the End Times,” she smiled. “And sweet Lizzy is free of me. Permanently.” Lilith reached for a red Apple in the table adjacent she and Cortez, taking a bite from it. “Do we have a deal?”
*Before I can even move Susan is standing next to me* “No! Morgenstern you cant give her that! It’s bad enough giving her the sword and horse of war, you can’t give her more firepower like that!” *I look down at the floor my mind working through a dozen different scenarios before I finally look up. I purposely avoid Susan’s eyes and look directly at Lilith* Deal.
Words of a contract blazed across both Morgenstern and Lilith’s right arms. She smiled. They hurt. “Off you go. Cortez, take Susan here and retrieve Madama Shade.” Lilith walked behind her desk and resumed her paperwork.
*suddenly a fist hits me squarely in the jaw. I feel my jawbone crack as I’m lifted off my feet by the punch and thrown into the wall. My jaw heals almost instantly and I look up to see Susan glaring at me with rage and disappointment written across her face* “You are Pathetic! You’ll doom the entire world just to save one person. I’m ashamed of you. *She then turns and glares at Lilith* “You don’t get to tell me to do anything. I’m going to return to managing my own affairs, the next time I see you I’ll rip your intestines out and strangle you with them.” *She walks into the shadows and I get up.* younger siblings, so annoying. *I disappear in a flash of yellow flames*
Lilith turns to Cortez. “Tap into the Hybrid Collective and find her. Make it known that 10 Hybrids shall d_ie. Let it be known that this is the price for threatening me,” she said, not looking up from her paper work.
Cortez saluted Lilith. “Yes ma’am, boss lady!” Cortez folded his hands behind his head and shut his eyes. He tapped into the Hybrid mind and saw through everyone’s eyes. He shot a warning out to Mutt’s mind, before finding candidates to be reaped for Susan’s insult. He then reached out to her and asked if she might just apologize so Lilith quote “Be such a cranky bish”
*I hear Cortez and dismiss his words instantly* “Tell her I am going to knock her off her high horse and then turn it into glue.” *I cut myself off completely from the continuum before I begin to walk forward. I’m in a dark hallway lit by torches. The walls are made of burnt bodies and the torches are bone. This is the side of myself I hide from everyone, the darkness I revel in when no one can see me. This is where I accept my true fathers heritage. A dark cape unfurls behind me and my wings lose there secondary coloring turning completely black. I feel horns curl out of my head as my eyes turn black. The dark stone doors ahead of me swing open to reveal a throne room. The throne that sits there is made of dark twisted metal with engraving in purgatic. The throne of the primordial dēmon Ēvil. My true father. I sit down and let the darkness consume me.*