California scientist’s colony of real Yakon aliens that breathe boulders and eat energy.
Scientist Kenneth Nealson publicly admits to raising a colony of real-life energy-eating, rock-breathing aliens, ignoring the obvious danger to all life here on Earth.
Professor Kenneth Nealson of University of Southern California defended his decision to farm an alien species that eats only energy and breathes rocks instead of air.
“They could be harnessed to create biological fuel cells or to clean up human waste,” he told the reporter from Popular Science who busted the professor and his alien colony.
Reporter Corey S. Powell says the Professor refuses to call his pet Yakons aliens at all, referring to them instead as Shewanella oneidensis which translates, roughly, to voracious light-eating, boulder-breather bacteria who wants all your electrons NOW!
In fact, Powell uncovered an entire team of scientists helping Professor Nealson to raise a virtual army of these aliens. Learn to protect you and your electrons now before these alien-loving academics bring about the electrolopolypse…
Energy Eater Alien Survival Tips
1. Go Off Grid
Understood, not everyone has their own underground bunker yet. But it doesn’t make you crazy just because you have a rubber room! Now is the time to build your own, before these hungry aliens come looking for you.
2. Non-Conductive Clothing
Yes, the neoprene run really hot but on the bright side, you look pretty cool. And it’s a lot better than coating yourself with silicone – trust me on this. So be ready, get out your rain gear and rubber boots. And don’t forget the hat.
3. Lights out & lay low
Think energy conservation – not just about global warming. Power everything down – including you. Especially you. Now is a the time to practice your zombic meditation. And if you’re not sure what this means, find a meditation class taught by a qualified Zomtanga instructor at your local recreation facility and learn how to slow your cellular metabolism to undeadly levels as soon as possible.
4. Arm Yourself
If you have a Tesla Cannon or Tesla Gun, equip that immediately. Don’t have one yet? Got an old nerf gun laying around? Then it’s not too late. Turn that old birthday present into a real lightning cannon out like survivor Rob Flickenger did here. That said, a commercial Super Taser may do the trick.
(And here’s where you ask, Seth. Seriously? Why shoot them with electricity, which they love? To which I reply, Good question and thanks for keeping on keeping on…)
The point here is this. These aliens have an energy for rock metabolic process meaning they devour energy and breathe out rock. To whit, the more light you shoot them with, the more rock they will breathe out. The theory here is that by shooting them with enough energy, their respiration will cause an avalanche that falls only on them.
Or that’s the theory anyway. But as Yogi Berra would say… in theory there is no difference between theory and practice but in practice there is!
*I clutch my head in pain* no I’m Icarus… I don’t want to be you anymore! *a silhouette appears infront of me, perhaps real perhaps a hallucination. whichever it speaks with my voice* who you want to be is irrelevant. I am Ice. You are Ice. The universal shifts have settled down so it’s time to reintegrate. *i shake my head* no no no! You aren’t me! You’re a monster! You hurt my brothers… You destroyed a universe! *the silhouette solidifies and to my horror I see a mirror image of myself* it’s time to wake up little Icarus, we are the same. You are me. *I cry out in pain, and fall to my knees. The silhouette disappears and I rise slowly* I am Ice
*I glare at Zyboragon*
What? Has my applause offended you?
Why are you here?
I have a habit of being everywhere, though I believe you knew that.
I thought that I was shielded at the moment actually…
You were, but I’m stubborn, and you have something that I want.
And what is that?
Please, hand it over.
Hmmm, unfortunately you’re several months too late and have the wrong twin. Morgenstern had the scale last, but then it was taken by Lilith if my memory serves.
Good luck getting anything from her.
Incorrect, the scale is here, not only can I sense it, but I can also see its glow.
Wait a second… Nope I’m stupid that was the other scale. You’re talking about the scale Zanthre gave me right? Yeah I don’t have that one either. Sorry.
Oh that scale… I don’t actually have it, that glowing thing in the corner is what happens when you microwave Mac and cheese four twenty hours straight.
Ice, if I don’t get that scale soon, ARC and Zanthre will become one.
Well that would be an issue for this plane of existence. Unfortunately when all that universe shifting was occurring I attempted to planeswalk. My æthereal form separated from my physical form and I was sent flying through the blind eternities. Unfortunately my body was in possession of the scale at the time, and now it isn’t.
I honestly don’t know where it went…
…anyone look here?
I suppose that explains why I can sense the scale here.
Fantastic, we’re boned.
Mr. Mutt says
WHO DARETH SAY MY L oh hey Z what’s up?
Well.. ARC and Zanthre are going to be one being soon.
So I guess now you can say your line now Mutt.
Mr. Mutt says
Wow… We really are boned.
Although maybe not, I mean we’re kind of just assuming that they’re going to be hostile. And what’s causing them to fuse in the first place?
ARC with the power of Zanthre, Zanthre with the mentality of ARC.
The tenacity of both mixed into one being, even if it wasn’t hostile which is unlikely, it’d still be something to worry about.
The one causing it hasn’t made themselves known just yet… While I have my suspicions, finding the scale is my top priority.
Mr. Mutt says
Well where are its possible locations? Either here in this dimension, another dimension or falling through the blind eternities? *I turn to Ice* isn’t the blind eternities just another name for the Void? *Ice shrugs* the Void is a small portion of the blind eternities… *I look to Z* I’ve been getting strange readings from my devices that monitor the Void. That I stole from one of your labs. It could be the scale.
Gah, everyone seems to steal from me.. I’m surprised I still managed to keep Fores… Uh anyways.. Yeah let’s go to the void again.
Mr. Mutt says
It’s not my fault if you just leave you’re stuff laying around! In a triple locked safe. Two miles beneath an active volcanoe… Anyways into the Void we go!
That actually was one of my old safe houses, glad it’s still intact, just don’t ever use any of the sinks there, they’ll eat you.