JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER: LAKE MONSTER SWIMMING TIPS 2013

Cabins in the Woods are a double-edged katana. If you’re a survivor who is lucky enough to have access to a remote Cabin In The Woods (or “Cottage”), you have a safe place to retreat to in the event of a zombie uprising, especially if you’ve stocked it up with Apocalypse Supplies like canned food and shotguns. However, odds are you also have to deal the one of most horrifying dangers faced by swimming survivors all over the world… that’s right, I’m talking about the dreaded LAKE MONSTER.

Who will be swimming with you this summer?

Survivors, school’s almost out for summer and that can mean only one thing – swimming. That glorious, refreshing, athletic and INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS summer activity. There are a myriad threats to your survival if you decide to take a plunge into the depths. Here are a few things I recommend you do to stay safe and survived if you decide to cool yourself off in the “lake,” or as I like to call it, “watery death pit.”

Remember, there are over NINETY reported Lake Monsters worldwide. And just like mice, that means for every blurry sauropod reported to Wikipedia there are countless others roaming the depths of the world’s lakes. Take precautions! Do research at the local probably-condemned-from-disuse county library and look through the dusty microfilm for reported maritime disappearances in your getaway town’s history. Keep on the lookout for blurry photographs that might be a wave or might be A HORRIBLE CARNIVOROUS PLEISIOSAUR. The more info you have about the type of Lake Monster you’re dealing with, the better you can prepare yourself. For example, Giant Snapping Turtles can be handily dealt with by boxing them in the ears, which will give you a chance to harpoon gun them. Giant Sharks? Harpoon gun a nearby fish and watch it go after the blood in the water! Freshwater Kraken? Have I mentioned harpoon guns?

And when you’re swimming, remember;

• Never go swimming after dark. Not only are most Lake Monsters nocturnal and therefore more likely to devour you horribly at night, but you’re much less likely to see them (and rogue head-splitting rocks) coming.

• Use the buddy system. If you’re going swimming, bring a friend! You can have each other’s backs and keep a look out for any incoming Giant Shark fins.

• Look before you leap! Don’t just go cannonballing off that rickety dock – look down first. Are there baleful saurian eyes looking back at you? I’d recommend maybe taking a bath instead.

• Harpoon gun. ‘Nuff said.

• Find an ancient gold coin or idol at the bottom of the lake covered in moss? DON’T TOUCH IT. You may be stealing a Lake Monster’s gold. As it is in ancient tombs, as it is at the bottom of lakes. Leave it be, alright?

And, of course, keep on the look out for non-lake-monster-related supernatural threats. When looking into the lake or pool before you leap (as per the above survival tip), if you see someone else’s mournful reflection or perhaps your own but as an old person, you might be dealing with a haunted lake or the site of a future/past time travel accident. It’s not worth it. Take a bath instead.

Remember survivors, this summer, stay cool and stay survived!