With school officially back, hopefully your educational institution of choice has been Zombie Safe Certified by now with certified electric fences and fields, emergency katanas and an up-to-local-municipal-building-codes moat. (Yes MOATS! They’re not just for keeps and holdfasts anymore!)
But did you know not all the undead you meet at school will be part of the shambling horde trying to knock down the school gate and eat your math teacher?
It’s true. Some of them might even be your classmates. Zombies? Enrolled in school? How’s that, you ask? Zombies can barely stagger around let along take geography tests! Which is 100% accurate, when ti comes to regular, run of the mill zombies. Today we’re talking about the so-called “High Functioning Zombies ” or HFZs.
If you’re read my interactive e-book, “Archie Hartigan & The Frost Wolf,” you are probably already aware of the High Functioning Zombies. You have no doubt guessed the character of Pete is based on my ongoing research into the HFZs –>
High Functioning Zombies resemble regular zombies in that they’re undead, have a hunger for human flesh, and generally shamble everywhere. What sets them apart is their brains. While regular zombies lose the personality and intelligence they had in life, High Functioning Zombies totally remember their old lives and retain their humanity, if not their sparkling personality.
In fact, with a good coat of makeup and some industrial deodorant, some HFZ s can totally pass as regular human. Which is why you might find some attending your school, masquerading as regular humans.
So how will you spot them? Let alone distinguish them from your slower-moving, moanier friends?
Well, HFZs are usually a pretty depressed bunch. You would be too if you’d been saddled with a horrific undead existence which includes having to suppress the desire to eat people with foul-tasting gruel for lunch every day, along with a complete inability to heal wounds – which means they definitely can’t sign up for the rugby team. While they might be undead monstrosities, HFZs still have to worry about getting homework in on time, paying bills, and not eating the person next to them.
So if this describes somebody you know, before you break the glass on that emergency weapon, try making friends with a High Functioning Zombie. Needless to say, they need cheering up. And survival isn’t just about crossbows and cool monster-fighting karate moves, it’s also about helping out other beings to be.
And if that’s not a good enough reason for you, consider this. Zombie survivologists are looking into the possibility that High Functioning Zombies or HFZs may actually possess the ability to project brain waves to their lower-functioning kin. A nice skill to have on your side when the hordes shamble into your neighbourhood.
For a more in-depth look at High Functioning Zombies, be sure to pick up Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf from the iTunes bookstore for your mobile iDevices, and check in at SethOnSurvival.com for all the latest Survivology tips and tricks! Until next time, survivors, keep on keepin’ on!
by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com
I miss not being online as often as I was in the past. Well… I figured I should comment now because I have contracted the quarter moon curse, where you uncontrollably phase on more nights than just full moon, again. If anyone has any sort of cure please tell me. I can’t find one no matter how much I search…
How do u get the quarter moon curse
I often get it as one would get the common cold. It just comes up. I am unfamiliar with the technical ways, but I know it just messes up your head.
Ww13 some kid ran into me and I think he popped my shoulder if he did do u think I should get him back
I know your werewolf senses may be snapping for revenge, but I suggest you let your anger die out. They probably didn’t do such on purpose, and if you deliberately hurt them, they have the right to do so back.
As for your injury, just rest awhile and keep from phasing until you feel better. The shifting pain alone is bad enough.
But ww13 my shoulder is getting worse and I’m the one who got yelled at and u dented my pencil box and I was about to punch my friends because they wouldn’t give me my space but what I’m worried about is I’m losing it way to fast
Revenge is not the answer… Unless the person truly deserves it.
Did this person hurt you on purpose? If so, you have the right to do something, but something small. If you do something horrible to them, they can do the same, as I said before.
Now if they did this by accident, eat a muffin. Heck, eat two. Anything that will keep you from exploding on a friend.
He is not my friend his friends and him do not like me at all
Then get proper revenge without exposing yourself. Maybe do the same thing to them and claim it as an accident? Then you are both of equal pain, and they can’t do much to you.
Minor problem what could I do to him and if someone is throwing eraser pieces at my head should I tell a teacher
I am not usually one to give advice like this, but run into him on “accident”. Get equal and forget about it. If you continue to focus on such a small thing you could seriously hurt someone. Also, when it comes to erasers, just tell a teacher. It’s a minor problem that shouldn’t be hyped up too much.
Make that 4 muffins and a bottle of Jack Daniels… Hi, I’m Urban Squatch and I’m here to tell you all about the new deodorant specifically for Sasquatches. Do you suffer from fowl body odor? Do you need new pants every time you work out? Well have I got a deal for you! For only 12.99 you can own a bottle of my brand new deodorizer! Forest Breeze! And don’t think this is just for Sasquatches. Werewolves, Zombies, and yes even Vampires can use this! I mean just listen to the critics
Forest Breeze really helped my acting career! Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains. ~ Head of the Zombie actors guild.
I loved Forest Breeze! It gave me the smell of the forest! ~ Momma Squatch
Buy today!
Urban Squatch and CO. has no liabilities in the case of undead destruction. Forest Squatch is just pine scented holy water. Do not use or buy.
Hail Urban Squatch,
Thanks for your ongoing SOS reports… I think. Glad to know you are actively avoiding 13th floors today however please be advised that that SOS is at present a volunteer enterprise strictly dedicated to supernatural survival and as such we do discourage any promotional product placement or for-profit endeavours on the site. (At least until Spray Nine comes around and embraces their supernatural applications to send me that transfer. Which should be any day now…)
Also let’s talk about honesty in advertising laws here. I mean, you can’t seriously expect me to believe the head of the ZAG endorsed your product. They don’t endorse anything. I can only surmise you are trying to get me in trouble.
That said please keep on keeping on. And using your Forest Breeze. Should I even ask how its made? Maybe not. I’ve never met an urban sasquatch before… are you sure you’re one?
Seth
I am an urban Sasquatch but in truth. My product is a family secret that we aren’t allowed to sell. My kid brother put that on as a joke, but I am sorry. You know how little brothers are right? Sorry for the trouble Seth I changed my password and he can’t get in now. But thanks for letting me know for future reference.
Oh dear, HFZ’s? I thought that they were just part of the Zombie Actors guild…
i loved the book it was truly great thanks seth for showing us the amazing story of archie hartigan monster hunter