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Doorknob Danger Zombies Celebrate City's Daft Design Diktat

Zombies and grizzly bears of the west coast celebrate a major accessibility victory in Vancouver, Canada as a new design law banning doorknobs takes effect in that city, putting an end to old-fashioned turny knobs in favour of easy push-type lever handles.

Zombies celebrate accessibility victory.

Zombies celebrate accessibility victory.

“Finally an end to the debilitating dexterity-ism that me and my Z people have faced for centuries,” stated Zombie Actors Guild president Gnargh Jonnsson. “No longer will we walkers be forced to pile up, one on top of each other until the full force of our combined rotting flesh heap can crash through the structural integrity of a wall just to take out a library book or go shopping at the mall. We walk tall now knowing that we will no longer be segregated by something as superficial as wrist abduction and adduction. No, we will walk through those doors as proud individuals, the equal of any other ambulatory being.”

Or course, the world of zombieology is an-ooze today with speculation about how this change will affect West Coast zombie behaviour in the near future.

“The implications of this seemingly small design change will be profound. As the West Coast zombies no longer need to work together en masse to gain entry to secure public buildings, will they loose the horde instinct? My feeling is yes, yes they will,” stated acclaimed zombie-ologoist Dr. Maxwelle Brookes zMD. ”

Hearing this opinion by the venerable doctor of zombie-ology himself, some zombies have already begun to lament the change.

“This mean no more zombie pile? No more foot bone in skull? No more play Whose Hand Is This Anyway? Awwwwwwrrrrrgggg,” stated one disgruntled Stage Three-er. ¬†“How I meet squishy lady zombie now?”

Grizzly bears, whose lack of opposable thumbs has been their only real impediment to obtaining access to cars, restaurants and even yoga studios in that city, have long advocated for a no-thumbs needed law like this one.

The ban on doorknobs was enacted by city council and takes effect this spring.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

4 comments to Doorknob Danger Zombies Celebrate City’s Daft Design Diktat

  • Jerry9012

    And the city council didn’t even consider that Zombies might be able to get in? Something tells me they elected a Zombie, or a Mummy, or a Magical talking Grizzly bear to the city council. Feh, Humans sometimes. Not you Seth, you are one of the smart ones.

  • MadSparkles

    Great, I might of seen a zombie today. Of course I wasn’t wearing my glasses and I was t a distance. All I saw was a person in a heavy red coat walking weird, and stumbled once. Of course it could be the lady who has to walk to town and she was thinking “ugh I gotta walk 6 miles in this cold again!”

    Yup I live a few miles out of town in a trailer court.

  • fenrir9

    I’m sure glad that’s not my city
    oh keep your eyes open the draugr (walking frozen corspe) are prowling this time of year. and they really love open doors

  • fenrir9

    The only reason people obey any rule is because the consequences for disobeying would be too inconvenient

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