PROS AND CONS OF ADOPTING A CYBORG CHEETAH
As Cyber Monday brings annual reports on the global adoption of cyborg rescue animals, one cyborg pet rescuer urges you to stop and think before adopting one of the new cyborg cheetahs from your local cyborg pet shelter.
Cyborg Pet Rescue reports record numbers of cyborg cheetahs with broken limbs but before you offer to rescue one, read on…
“It used to be people came here for a cyborg puppy who wouldn’t shed on the couch and wound up taking home a Bigdog that ate the toaster before running away,” said Kevin Kim, Regional Director of Cyborg Pet Rescue. “Now everyone wants one of the new cyborg cheetahs from MIT, we have a lot more to worry about more than just cold bread and street dogs.”
After hearing about my ongoing Kaiju Pet Rescue campaign, Mr. Kim asked SOS to educate Cyber Monday survivors about the global adoption of cyborg pets in general and the new cyborg cheetahs in particular. And while I love cyborg pets as much the next survivor, after speaking to Kevin I had to agree. So without further ado:
Five Facts to Consider Before Adopting a Cyborg Cheetah
1. Cheetahs Hunt in Groups
Think you got just one metal kitty who won’t need a litter box? Think again. When you adopt a cyborg cheetah, you could be getting a whole pack. Male cheetahs prefer to live and hunt in packs.
Programmers at MIT claim to have accounted for this in their code but do you really want to risk a pack of wild cyborg cheetahs coming for your throat while you sleep?
2. Cheetahs Run Really Fast
Like up to 70 miles an hour fast when they are attacking their prey. Cheetahs are the world’s fastest animal. We’ve all seen that guy with the leash hanging out his car window but what’s he going to do now when little Cheetzie locks on a raccoon and decides to go grab a snack?
Before you tell me MIT programmers report that their cheetahs only do about 30 mph, ask yourself this –how fast can run? Unless you’re sprinter Usain Bolt you might want to go for that robot fish. Even if you’re Usain Bolt in fact, since the new robot cheetahs are technically faster than him.
3. Cheetahs Need A Lot of Open Space
Cheetahs evolved on the Savannah, crouching in the grass to hide from their prey so how is your new cyborg cheetah going to take to your living room? If you’re planning to just unplug his power and put him in the closet between runs think again. MIT is always investigating innovative power options, from solar power to motion and even methane so unless you and your family plan to stop farting in the future, powering down your cheetah may not be possible.
4. Cyborg Cheetahs Break Legs
The new cyborg cheetah legs are made of carbon fibre and foam that is reinforced with Kevlar but the MIT lab team reports dozens of them breaking.
Of course MIT says it’s no problem, that you can just use your 3-D printer to make a new leg for your cyborg cheetah.
“If that’s true, why is our suddenly so full of limping cybercats?” said Kevin King. “Either people don’t have the patience to properly program their printers or there’s something wrong with the recipe here.”
Clearly if you don’t have a reliable 3-D printer and/or the patience to deal with an injured cyborg cat moping around your home, once again, I recommend the robot fish.
5. Cyborg Cheetahs Are X-Box Hogs
The new MIT cyborg cheetahs are programmed for Xbox but disgruntled owners report that once you plug them in all they want to do is play Plants vs Zombies. So if you thought it was supernaturally sucky when Fluffy attacked your cables, imagine how much worse this big cat can do to your electronics. If you ever want to see your COD game again, let alone your basement, one last time, may I suggest the fish?
Notwithstanding everything I have truly reported 99,97%, feel free to make your own choice survivors. Whatever it takes for you to keep on keeping on out there.
Sethby Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com