News of a creepy time traveller stalker shocked the world this week, when a young woman looking through her old photos discovered her boyfriend secretly stalking her in time, appearing at events of her childhood.
The young woman in question, whose name is given only as Kotaku by The People’s Daily in China, is said to be horrified to discover her new boyfriend named Wan in some of her childhood photos. In each one Wan appears to be whispering secret messages to her childhood self, a desperate attempt to influence her older self, likely after she dumped him in the future.
While the world may be surprised, the news comes as no surprise to me. The phenomenon of time travelling romantic stalkers has been well-documented over the years and worse, celebrated by the mainstream media.
Now I have taken a lot of flack over the years for including Time Travellers as a separate category in The Monstrometer – not to mention for my spelling of the word traveller – traveler?– but I can assure you this behaviour is a growing threat to every being on the planet.
As anyone who has ever been dumped will tell you – not referring to myself here of course – but as any hypothetical anyone will tell you, being dumped always involves a period of wondering, what if I had just said no instead of yes when she asked, do these shorts make me look fat? Or if I had actually just taken her to the mall instead of making her wait while I checked zombie proofing protocols first?
Many Time Travelling “Romance Repair” agencies exist to take advantage of precisely this kind of rumination. How much would you pay to go back in time and unsay that thing you said? Or do that thing you should have done? A one-time intervention starts around $86.17, temporal tax included.
Sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. But then one intervention was never enough. I say no, you look great but then later she asks a tricky follow-up question like, notice anything new about my hair? Or like, what are you thinking? And she still dumped me. Er, the hypothetical you, I mean. Point is, that temporal intervention bill can really start to add up.
And that’s when an even creepier subset of these agencies will offer to send you further and further into the past so you can implant the idea of yourself in the mind of your future love interest at a more impressionable age. All you need is a childhood photo of your ex to anchor and time your arrival in her life, they tell you. Like Wan has clearly done in these photos. How easy is that?
As it turns out, not so easy. Most women guard their childhood photos like a leprechaun does gold. They won’t even show them to you, let alone give you one. And certainly not after she dumps you. So you would have to steal one somehow. But even if I succeeded in stealing one without getting caught, my successful arrival at the exact moment the snapshot was taken GUARANTEES getting caught. And then I would have to steal that photo all over again in the future.
Furthermore, the science is not sound. Granted, there is some dubious research to show that our relationship preferences are set in childhood, in that period of time before you can even make memories. But there is even more convincing research that shows temporal stalking is super creepy and virtually guarantees your future dumpage. Kotaku for instance dumped Wan.
So whether you be the dumper or the dumpee, beware the false promises of time travel, guard your childhood photos under lock and key and just keep on keeping on into your future. Where there’s Survival, there’s always hope for a better tomorrow.
by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com
Ok those pics definitely look photoshopped Seth you got fooled, oh and those back in time places are false out the left ear, you would have a better time trying to keep me in a cell at a A51 facility in New Mexico.
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Meow
Meow
Meow
Yes but temporal editing usually doesn’t look like you stitched your image from the 21st into an image from the 20th it usually blends the ages do to your actually being in the picture in the first place. Your usual time travel scenario but those images look like a skipped timeline and actual photoshop it’s obviously faked
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Meow
Meow
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Ok then, I guess it’s possible that both sides are right and that Photoshop can cause time travel but it’s still not that realistic the created image, and as I said if you did go that route the printed picture would blend the times together making wan in these pictures look like his visage was taken at the same time, if Seth had then placed the after travel pics alongside the doctored ones that are present I would believe that this actually happened
*all that lays in RB’s bed where he should be is a note that reads:*
“I’ve gone to A51 to get answers, I’m sorry that I left with out your permission but it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission. You and reaper have been keeping something away from me, so I’ve sent both my doubles over to rejoin at A51, ill be back once I know what’s going on, but untill then, goodbye…”
Ok I know that this trick used to work when I was doing the notes version of texting a few decades back *flips over paper and writes all the things Danny didn’t already know about him and the reaper* ok that should work * places the page back in the bed* matrix I need your help with something I will email you the details
*in fine print on the back of the page reads*
I knew you knew this trick :p
I’m still at A51 if you need me 🙂
*flips the page over again and writes on the now blank sheet this message* of course I know how to do this I am one of the people who came up with it, oh and just in case you just got captured me and matrix will be there in 9-10 minutes. *then he places the page back down with the newest message face down*
*Both RB stand side by side hooked up to a machine, they look pail and void of any aura, a screen beeps on top, SECONDARY ELEMENTAL MATRIX EXTRACTED*
*both boys are breathing heavily*
*throws a jack in the box into the room that then rolls into a large group of A51 technicians and when the jack pops up breathes fire at the closest one then explodes* WOOH that was awesome Samuel, Danny, get over here I came to get you guys but matrix never arrived *walks over to and unhooks Samuel and Danny* now come on we have two minutes until the white rabbit computer virus shuts down the entire computer system of A51 including the locks.
Ok… Cough cough… Let’s… Get out of…
*two giant neddles impail their chests, they scream as Samuel turns icy blue and Danny firey red*
*the computer says: BEGIN TRIANARY ELEMENTAL MATRIX EXTRACTION*
Ugh I hate computers like this one *goes to the main computer and logs in then the computer shuts down and returns to Danny and Samuel what it took then to burst into flames* if you guys want to know my A51 login even though I never worked here it’s
username: wolfday
Password: bufallo
*pulls the needles out of the two RB then heals them using stuff from inside his hat*
*they both radiate with unstable energy, one red on blue, a meteor storm and a snow storm*
In unison: “get us to the Ava’kari desert!”
*they continue to scream in pain even though their wounds are healed*
Well this is a rush job *creates hat portal to their destination then chucks them in* you might feel like you are falling that is normal, it’s because you are falling because I rush the portal
*A tornado of meteors snow and rain circle around the two boy as they touch hands.*
*suddenly an ark appears from the sands of the dessert, encase ing the storm withen it’s walls*
*bright lights emerge followed by a loud sonic boom*
*everything goes silent and dark, the front door of the ark opens…*
*the portal from the hatter’s hat turns into a door and lands next to the ark only for both to open* sorry you guys for the rough landing, oh and I believe this is the ark from that book I gave you Danny but who knows, let’s watch what happens. *looks at the ark and wait*
*a man limps out with a hunched over back*
*he wears a white hooded cloak and upon further inspection you can see 4 wings protrude ding from his back, if you didn’t focus on them you might not even notice they were there. There is a red wing that burns like fire, a blue wing that’s as crisp as ice, a purple wing that has what appears to be lightning jumping across it’s surface, and a brown wing that sits crippled with not even the slightest him of energy*
*as the man pulls back his hood, you recognize a familiar face, only this time he seems older, wiser…*
Hello there, I think I know you but I’m not sure, do you mind jogging my memory?
*he smiles and snaps his fingers, the badges with RB written on the front flys for hatter into his hand*
I see you’ve been keeping this safe for me. By the way you might want to work on your parenting skills, who knows how you would have raised me if I was a child for any longer.
*the whole time you’ve been speaking the boys have been D E @ D*
*he snaps his fingers again and their body’s turn to sand*
Hey it was their fault that they went to A51, RB and anyways matrix/reaper wasn’t even trying this time to save those two. I saved both of them in 1 go and anyways my parenting style is: tell them what they ask to know, if they are hungry make food, if they want to go outside let them go outside. Have you done this? If so your doing it right.
*his smile turns into a snake like grin*
Well it’s been a nice little chat, but I’m afraid this new body is called… Is called assasin…
It wants to destroy you…
Gaurdian…
I’m sorry about this…
Truly I am…
*RB unleashes a whirlpool of chaotic energy*
As the vortex appears hatter commits himself to an old ability of guardians to get away from the whirlpool and next thing RB realizes a dragon, an angel, a vampire, a wolf, a human, a manticore like beast, and Janus, are all running away from him “form splitting.” The creatures say in unison, “a great way of getting out of a trap in a hurry” the 7 creatures then arrange themselves in a circle around RB “We are sorry it came to this as well”
I may need to lean that trick in for the future…
But for now I can do this…
* 4 elemental cherubim like beings fly out of RB’s chest and the body that lye on the ground shifts into a viper*
Ssssubmet!
Hatter’s human form puts up his hands and yells”NOPE I’m done” then takes off his hat and creates a portal that sends him home then disappears his other forms staying behind and one by one decommissioning the elemental creatures
*the snake quickly bites the humans heel*
A gift… From Lilith… And I…
Oh my look at the time, off I pop now…
*the snake swallows the cheribum and disappears into the sand*
The entirety of Hatter then returns to his house, and undoes the form split.”I sure hope RB realizes that four of his elementals were decommissioned, and that he brought 1 of the four that were created with him when he left, which despite being impossible happened anyway, oh and your right RB look at the time then think about how much you have left. Because I know all your tricks, and your running out of time in this “savage garden” called earth.
I know, I just ate their body’s, I was ever so hungry you see…
I only need 1 storm anyway…
Wait!
Why can’t I shift back to my humanoid form!
What did you do!
Ask the Gardner RB, oh and BTW petrichor is not your scent
I swear to you hatter the last of the gaurdians shall fall!
So says I, Noah the assassin…
Six stops before me then, see you in a week.
…this reminds me so much of what I did when I was 2107 years old…
Which part? The thing in the comments or the time travel stalking?
Time Travel Stalking. Though I didn’t stalk…
…then again, a stalker will never say he is stalking. Maybe I do, I’m not sure.
Ok why were you time traveling? 300 years ago we were going between dimensions and other fun stuff along the way, time travel just sounds like you gave up actual traveling and decided to have a bit of nostalgia added into your life that you don’t need
That’s not why I did it. I was young… In love… Then she died.
21, 2107, both act the same way ridiculous with a side of admirable. Let a longer life belong to you kzaz
Actually, 6001 is closer to that age. 2107 is more like… 7… But… Time is relative. So, I had the maturity of a 21-years-old human. Right now, I have no idea what my mental age is in human years.
Same point kzazrier, and plus more important stuff could be going on somewhere else.
Wanna know a secret? Not only time is relative. Everything is.
Really the laws of physics are far more malleable than humans believe
Laws of physics are invented by humans, after all. They don’t really work on everything.