Supernaturally suspicious minds this week want to know, is soccer superstar and serial footballer biter Luis Suarez a vampire, cannibal, werewolf or some kind of high-functioning zombie?
As you likely already know, Uroguay’s striker Suarez chomped on Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini during Tuesday night’s game making this the third suspicious biting incident for that player in as many years.
The incident on Tuesday helped Uroguay to win the game 1-0 and also quietly made a lot of cash for a few supernaturally smart gamblers who bet that it would happen.
And now for the debate. Previously branded a vampire and a cannibal by many in the media, including SOTM Agent RB, SOS readers may recall that I diagnosed him as a werewolf here on the site last year.
But this time many sports psychologists are leaning toward a new diagnosis – a kind of high-functioning zombie. Let’s take a bite at the theories:
Theory #1: Suarez is a cannibal
Dubbed the ‘Cannibal of Ajax’ by the media after the first time he bit another player in the Netherlands in 2010 this initial diagnosis seemed highly probable to the world. He was after all playing for the Dutch at the time, a country almost as famous for its high profile cannibals as for its tulips.
On top of that, readers of SOS may recall 2010 as the year of the great global cannibal capsule confederacy when performance enhancing supplements containing human body parts were being exported from Asia to athletes and health-conscious cannibals around the world.
Proponents of this theory point out that Suarez tends to bite later in the game ie: after the 70 minute mark when hunger overcomes him and also that he tends to bite on the meaty drumsticks of his victims.
Detractors of this theory however point out that Suarez does not seem to chew and or swallow the most reliable indicator of cannibalism.
Was Suarez on the cannibal cookies? Possibly put on one of these supplements by a Dutch trainer?
Theory #2: Suarez is a vampire
When Suarez bit Serbian footballer Branislav Ivanovic, the media had a new diagnosiss – vampire. The logic here is simple. It was a night game on a new moon and the Serbian player Suarez bit is related to one of the most famous real vampires in the modern world, the homeless vampire, Sava Savanovic who held the whole country captive after his home collapsed. If Suarez was not in fact a vampire before biting Ivanovic, he certainly would be afterward – or so the logic goes.
Theory #3: Suarez is a werewolf
Yes, this was my theory and it really never caught on even after I did such a supernaturally good job photoshopping that image of Suarez howling at the moon. My reasoning here was simple. Suarez has a known anger management issue and after biting Ivanovic in 2013, he limped off the field in dramatic fashion, exactly like a werewolf fighting off an unexpected transformation.
Critics of my theory claimed Suarez was faking an injury to detract from his deed and that no smart werewolf would bite another player and then leave him alive. I could never really argue with the last point – although I tried hard enough with extensive research into lycan marking behaviours. But this much remains true, nobody really knows to this day how Ivanovic spent the next full moon before going on to play the best year of his career after Suarez bit him.
Theory #4: Suarez is a high functioning zombie
This newest theory brought to you by sports psychologists follows the latest incident in Brazil and answers one question on everyone’s mind. With the whole world already onto him supernaturally speaking, why can’t Suarez just keep his teeth to himself?
It’s all in the brain stem, they argue. ZSE highjacks the brain and cuts Suarez off from his higher functioning. He can’t control himself because he has no access to his higher brain anymore. So how do they explain Suarez’s lightning fast reflexes and famous trash-talking face? Well, that’s the high functioning part, they argue.
Those are the the theories, Survivors. Everything you need to make up your own mind. Many thanks to Agent R.B. for bringing the story to my attention and to everyone else who has kept on keeping on this week while SOS HQ moved to its new secret location. Look for This Week In Survival to return again on Saturday.
by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com
Im a werewolf and i bit my own friend another time i took something a kid i know wanted not bullying him but trying to be funny he wrapped his arms around me and CHOMP braces and everything (note i only leave imprints i dont actually break the skin because i seriously dont want blood in my mouth its disgusting) another time i bit the same kid because he did the same thing bit him on the thumb i shouldve told him i can break rocks using only my teeth so he wouldnt do it again
I’d say he’s most likely not a vampire due to the fact he plays soccer quite well in the sunlight. Cannibalism to me sounds like the most probable one, but, the werewolf theory could have some merit due to him being athletic. HFZ, that’s the tricky one… I suggest someone should scan him at once!
RB
Yeah but all the people at the game? That’ll be Thanksgiving dinner to him!
I believe, he is indeed a cannibal. Seeing as he didn’t draw blood and/or infect the other player that we think of as a werewolf bite. First off, if you look close enough, the wound is already closing. Werewolf bites don’t close for 3 days after the wound takes hold. Plus, look at the positioning of the bite. Upper leg, nowhere near the head or brain. Cannibal, case closed.
Okay then I have say a few things first. Number one: cannibalism is the act of eating ones own species. Second and impost important: almost all omnivorous and carnivorous animals on this planet are willing to canibalise their own if hungry enough.
Oh and here’s a question for Seth: why do you include cannibals on SOS when and I kid you not , canibalism is an act not a supernatural being and or phenomena!
The same reason psychopath is on the monstrometer. Their minds are inhuman.
And the cannibals on the monstrometer often eat humans out of pleasure not starvation.
RB
It’s true.
Hail Kurogane,
Thanks for the valid question. It’s true that cannibalism is not in itself a supernatural act but there is some research that it may have supernatural consequences as a practice. Plus, cannibals are undeniably dangerous to your survival. For this reason, we decided to include them in The Monstrometer along with psychopaths who are also not always supernaturally inclined, as you quite rightly point out.
Thanks for keeping on,
Seth
Sorry for the grammatical error
Ah yes psychopaths, another thing I need to point out you idiots.
Firstly, psychopathy is a mental condition and also a part of the personality every sentient. And it is medically defined as lack of empathy and sympathy. Secondly, most psycopaths are not the blood-bathing, heart-removing maniacs you bunch of dolts perceive to be. Most psychopaths, including myself are extremely successful individuals whose occupations usually include neuro-surgeons who work like cold calculating machines deep beneath the snow-line of the brain, the unbreakables of the military that can be knife fighting an army of 100 Taliban deep beneath the mountains of Afghanistan alone with a smile on their faces. And finally lawyers,persecuting and condemning for their own benefit. I, for one love these kinds of occupations due to the fact that over the last 4 million years of my existence I have been all of these and more.including the emperor of japan for 40 years. My reign was removed from the annals of history due to the fact that my successor was my cousin who , i to this day have not ceased feuding with to this day.
And finally, a question for Seth , why do you include psychopaths as a supernatural category when they are not within the realm of the supernatural.
Annnnd I’m back to wondering why he’s one of the SoTM. Look, Psychopaths CAN be supernatural, the fact is, you need to slow your roll.
I love it when people use words like idiot to make themselves feel like they have the upper hand and are the more intelligent one in the conversation. Just because you insult someone doesn’t make it true, but you OBVIOUSLY know know than I do so I’ll leave you to your petty gloating. Oh and, FYI a true sociopath wouldn’t ever say they were a sociopath out right like that. If you think that being one is cool, or whatever, then thats your mental health problem, not and Anti-social disability. Don’t believe me, ask hatter…
RB
Noah’s right
Eh. I think it was all a big misunderstanding and he’s just a vanilla human. If he was a supernatural and had overtly exposed himself then the agents of Mr. Veils would have made him and probably every at the stadium disappear, not to mention that there would be no record (pictures, video etc.) left as evidence.
Seth where Have You Been? Ive Been trying to contact You for Months why are You Not Responding To My Emails?