3 Signs of Demon Danger from Singer Stalked by Satan

A singer stalked by Satan serves her top three tips on how to know if a demon is stalking you.

Pop/R&B singer Ariana Grande says she has been stalked by Satan since taking a trip to a Kansas City cemetery.

“Stull Cemetery is known as one of the seven gates of Hell on Earth,” claimed the singer in a recent interview. “The Pope won’t fly over it.”

So of course she drove there at midnight. And while in the car she noticed three signs that Satan had been alerted to her presence.  A highly probable scenario to me since pop stars are considered prime targets by infernal forces skilled at identifying humans most likely to part with their souls for a song.

And so I submit, for your consideration, the three signs of demon stalking as related by Ariana:

Sign #1: Bad Smell

Ariana says that on approaching the gate, the whole car filled with the smell of sulphur, a sure sign of a nearby portal – or natural hotspring. Or both.

Also a reminder to survivors everywhere about the importance of eating an appropriate egg-free breakfast prior to portal spelunking.

Sign #2: A Fly In The Car

A persistent fly appeared in the car and began to buzz strange ideas into everyone’s heads. Ideas like, “What if we wore masks into the grocery store?”

Ariana rolled down the window to release the fly and apologized to the disrupted demons but there is no evidence this worked. The fly follows her everywhere now, buzzing in her ear and reporting back to its demon master on her every move.

Sign #3: Shadowy Faces in Photos

The singer says she took a photo in which three shadowy faces appeared. “Faces of textbook demons,” as she described them. Textbook demons may not sound as dangerous as say, Fulcalorian flesh flayers, but as someone who had a physics textbook fall on his head in the year 2000, I can tell you, they most certainly are. In fact, textbook demons are the number one reason most schools have moved away from the use of textbooks.

Ariana says that she immediately deleted the photo of these textbook demons, which was a terrifying 666 megabytes, but she did not immediately dispose of any textbooks in her car so it is highly likely the next time she goes to work on a math sum, the demons will return.

Since returning from her trip the singer reports disturbing dreams with a lot of  terrifying”red shapes,” in them. The dreams, however, appear to go away if she sleeps on the left side of her bed.