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Sasquatch Opens Season On Officer Swan

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Why Sasquatch Stalks Tofino’s Top Fish Cop

It can’t be spring ’til the Sasquatches sing, somebody wise once said. Somebody who never met a real Sasquatch mind you nor ever heard one sing. (Sasquatch are notoriously terrible singers – albeit pretty decent rappers.) Somebody who probably never experienced spring in the Northern Hemisphere for that matter. So what does somebody know then?

Well maybe Luke Swan Jr. for starters. Tofino’s top Fish Cop and the Interwebs’ second most famous fisheries officer reports Sasquatches stalking him again this year.

Tofino's Top Fish Cop Stalked by Sasquatch
Tofino’s Top Fish Cop Stalked by Sasquatch

That’s right the Sasquatch stalking season aka SPRING officially opens on Vancouver Island with top Fisheries Officer and environmentalist Luke Swan Jr. reporting his first Sasquatch sighting of the season.

Luke Swan Jr. was out in his boat patrolling Ahousaht territory near Tofino last Wednesday when he saw a mysterious figure crouching on the shore.

A bear? Luke thought. Then the bear stood up on two legs, all  7-8 feet of him.  Luke’s first thought was replaced by a second, more sober and survivally thought:

“Get off the beach!”

“I pushed off as fast as I could,” says Luke. “A lot of people probably want to see it, but in the end it would scare them too.”

After gathering his wits, Luke told his father what happened. They searched and located a number of tracks in the area, which they measured at 16 inches long and seven to nine inches wide.

“We went further into a stream and into the river and found more footprints, so it’s out there,” Luke Swan Sr. said.

Not a first report by Luke or his dad on Vancouver Island. Sasquatch first made contact with the respected government official back in 2012 and has been playing annual hide and seek every since.

But why? What exactly does a Sasquatch – or Sasquatcheses as the case may be – want with a fish cop? And why do they keep letting him off with a warning?

Follow the salmon, say one observer.

“As a respected member of the Ahousaht aboriginal community Luke is very concerned concerned about the salmon. Water levels are low and warmer than usual, salmon numbers are down,” says Sasquatchatologist Professor Dominicus von Buren. “Sasquatch rely salmon for everything. From a good sandwich to salmon skin boots, if the salmon go so do the Sasquatch.

“Maybe Sasquatch is just checking up on the officer to see that he’s doing this job protecting their stock.”

“Anyway, that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it,” he adds. “At least until somebody here says TAG YOU’RE IT!”

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Easter Treat Alert-How To Beat the Bunny Man

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Do your Easter traditions involve a candy hunt? Then  beware – The Bunny Man may be hunting you. Before you follow those foil eggs to a delicious but deadly conclusion, take a minute to remember the Bunnyman.

Easter brings the bunny man.
Easter brings the Bunny man.
Quick review. The Bunny Man or Bunnyman as some call him for slightly-less-long is the white chocolate demon spirit who haunts the Easter hunts of unprepared recipients of white chocolate products. 

You can read the full story here but long story short, the Bunnyman was once just a happy mascot in a white bunny suit. Until the world rejected him and his promotional product, taking his job, his fame and even his family. All which made the Bunny Man axe murderery before he drowned himself in a factory vat of white chocolate.

Authorities insist to this day that they properly disposed of that vat of white chocolate along with the mascot’s chocolate covered corpse but nobody can explain how the Bunny Man continues to appear year after year from inside the hollow of an unholy number of white chocolate Easter bunnies.

Could the Bunny Man be hiding in the hollow of your tasty rabbit this Easter, his demonic axe in hand?

The answer is maybe. And probably. And yes, almost certainly.  Read on!

1. Be White Rabbit Aware

While no white chocolate should be declared 99.98% safe, SOS research indicates the tortured Bunny Man’s soul infuses only 58.4% of all white chocolate bunnies. Your most dangerous white chocolate bunny? All white, no eyes, long ears, hollow. Least likely to contain a leaping leporidae spirit inside it? White-dark chocolate swirl with eyes and icing.

Unsure if your white chocolate is hollow? Don’t waste time tapping to test if it taps back, take this SOS advice for survival and get out the hammer instead. That’s right:

2. SMASH before you GNASH

Smashed white chocolate tastes just as good as unsmashed white chocolate. Truer words were never spoken here on SOS and this Easter they could save your life. Were you an ear or toe nibbler in the past? Time to try a different tasting tactic. Get out the hammer and aim it right at that Trojan treat.

3. Safety First on the Egg Trail

Is that another white chocolate egg you just found? What are the odds they would all be white chocolate…

Pretty good when you’re dealing with a Bunny Man trap as it turns out. If you don’t know the true nature of that egg, you need to stop stashing them and start smashing them. Or at least unwrap to check. If they have a candy coating, you’re going to have to bite it. It’s okay, the eggs are still tasty, and one white egg probably doesn’t mean the Bunny Man will get you – yet – but if your trail has turned to all white eggs, you probably won’t like what you find at the end of it.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Leprechaun Treasure Still At Large But Is It A Leprecon Game?

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St. Paddy’s Day again, but can anyone find the treasure Fenn?

Leprechaun Forrest Fenn renewed his St. Patrick’s challenge to the world AGAIN this year to find his treasure chest full of gold and jewels. But is Fenn really another forgetful Leprehaun who has left his geo-data in rhyme? Or a leprechaun man laughing at me er the world?

On the trail of Forrest Fenn’s treasure

Quick recap for those who haven’t been following the Fenn fiasco. The world’s most famous leprechaun claims he left a treasure chest full of gold jewelry and gemstones somewhere in Santa Fe.  To claim it you just need to divine the real meaning in his rhyme.

Now everyone knows the only thing more common than a leprechaun lifting your pants or your shoes on St. Patrick’s Day is a leprechaun looking for his lost loot. You’ll see them wandering the streets late at night this time of year, muttering and confused, dressed in festive green and asking for help.

But these fairweather fae generally move on with the next rainbow and a cup of minty coffee.

But not Forrest Fenn. Again and again, year after year, this old school leprechaun asks you and me to please find – and keep – his treasure chest. In it, he claims is a 17th century Spanish emerald ring, a ruby-studded bracelet, small diamonds and emeralds. along with, I still suspect, my long-missing pants.

Now the hunt for Fenn’s treasure has been on for more than 7 years and claimed more than a few lives, and still nobody has claimed it. Still every year at this time, survivors like yours truly buy his book of clues, download his map, and pack a bag for Santa Fe hoping for the luck of the Irish.

There are, Fenn claims, nine clues in the poem below.

Forrest Fenn lost his loot again – will he really let you keep it?

As I have gone alone in there
And with my treasures bold,
I can keep my secret where,
And hint of riches new and old. 

Begin it where warm waters halt
And take it in the canyon down,
Not far, but too far to walk.
Put in below the home of Brown.

From there it’s no place for the meek,
The end is drawing ever nigh;
There’ll be no paddle up your creek,
Just heavy loads and water high.

If you’ve been wise and found the blaze,
Look quickly down, your quest to cease
But tarry scant with marvel gaze,
Just take the chest and go in peace.

So why is it that I must go
And leave my trove for all to seek?
The answers I already know
I’ve done it tired, and now I’m weak

So hear me all and listen good,
Your effort will be worth the cold.
If you are brave and in the wood
I give you title to the gold.

Me, I haven’t decided yet if I will try my luck again this year.  But if you are thinking to give it a shot, I can tell you this much:

How To NOT Find Forrest Fenn’s Treasure

  1. DO NOT start by calling all the “homes of Brown,” in Santa Fe. It only lead to legal trouble in the form or a DO NOT CALL order.
  2. DO NOT email Forrest Fenn. He won’t send you any clues but he may put you on his mailing list and unless you have a good spam filter you REALLY don’t want to be on a leprechaun’s mailing list.
  3. DO NOT rely on clover-leaf power if you have far to travel. For starters, you won’t get them past the border. Sniffer dogs love them.
  4. DO NOT wear green. I know it’s St. Patrick’s Day but it will only make it harder for the Santa Fe park rangers to find you should you happen to get hopelessly lost on the trail.

If you do celebrate this St. Paddy’s day hoping to find Forrest Fenn’s fickle treasure chest, may the luck of the Irish be with you.

 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Space Fairies Have Wings Will Travel Earthlings Report

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Android or fairy, pick your Homo Optimus form for the future. 

In the future will you choose a fairy form for your space travel vacay or will you plug into your custom android rig with the gold skin snd go back to work?

If you haven’t decided yet now is the time as one famous scientist, Dr. Ian Pearson predicts this choice for you by the year 2050 in his new report on the future of earthlings.

Famous Scottish fairy specimen really a space traveller?
Famous Scottish fairy specimen really a space traveller?

Dr. Pearson established his futurism cred back in the nineties when he predicted text messaging and Google glass, among other things but today he spends his time defining the forms that we earthlings will be take in the future.

Dr. Pearson’s Homo Optimus theory predicts we will use technology to adopt super enhanced forms by 2050. Forms like this one pictured here.

So why does Doc Future think anyone not born a fae will want to  be one soon?

Homo Optimus Faetum:

Your fairy form will be tiny but will also have big advantages for space travel, according to Dr. Pearson. It is a lot easier to accommodate and transport tiny people.

“It is not frivolous to suggest that most space travellers will be rather like fairies,” he explained. “Wings would make it easy to get around in zero gravity too,’ he added.

Dr. Pearson’s space travel prescription has both fairy and alien research communities aflutter with new theories about famous specimens including this one from Scotland.

Is the Glenshee-Lyall fairy really a future earthling traveling through space? Many now believe this to be true.

But wait! Before you pick the color of your future wings, consider Dr. Pearson’s other Homo Optimus options:

Homo Optimus Androidius Maximus: 

Okay the latin may be craptaculous but you get the idea. You could move your mind into one or more android forms that feature a wearable musculo-skeletal support suit along with other enhanced technologies including gold skin to allow you direct bio-electric interface with others.

You had me at gold skin Dr. Pearson but wait! There’s more! Your new nanotech-enhanced immune system will continually monitor and optimize your wet-wear, enabling you to avoid pain along with unwanted cravings for Twinkies and Doritos, letting you work without weariness or breaks. Who needs a holiday anyway?

Still can’t decide? Don’t worry, there’s a third option for you to consider:

Boltzmann Brain: 

You could adopt the form of a Boltzmann brain,  that is a self-aware brain floating through space!

In which case a good jar may be your only problem! Don’t wait, get yours today.

And long may you keep on keeping on!

Seth

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Leap Frog To Your Best Day Today

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 The Power of Leaplings 

Leaplings! They appear appear every four years today. While it’s not true that they crawl out of the Marianas trench looking for children’s tears, like the legendary “Leap Day William,” these little leprechauns can frog up your day today, so review the following intel to live your best leap day ever.

Leaplings often take the form of a frog
Leaplings take the form of a frog hence the game of Leap Frog

Recall: Leap Day, February 29 is that mysterious extra day we have every four years, in years that are exactly divisible by four.

We need them  because while a calendar year is 365 days, the earth actually takes 365 days plus five hours, 49 minutes and 12 seconds longer than that to go around the sun. So roughly every four years, an extra day is needed to re-synch the calendar, or the seasons would start to drift.

Without Leap Day, we’d have Halloween at Christmas and Windshield Wiper Awareness Week in July. And that’s just crazy. Everybody knows that Windshield Wiper Awareness week is the first week of February.

Who Or What Are The Leaplings? 

Babies born on a Leap Day, the so-called “Leaplings” have the ability to jump backwards or forwards in time and/or space on this day. They plan for this day for four long years, and let’s just say their plans are rarely good.

Unless you can catch one, in which case this could be your best day ever.

How Do They Leap? 

According to Her Royal Leapiness, Leapling Raenell Dawn, AKA the Leap Day Lady, not every Leapling can teleport through time and space. Some do one, some do the other. Superman, she insists, was a Leapling for example who lacked any temporal powers but made up for that with his great spatial skill.

Leap Frogs

Where there’s an ancient game, there’s an ancient truth and when it comes to Leaplings it’s this – they normally take frog form to leap. (Although unconfirmed rumours also point a leaping lizard form.)

So look for the flying frogs! Catch one if you can today, and prepare to relive your best day.

If You Catch a Leapling Today Will They Leap You To Your Best Day?

Answer: yes. This legendary power while never confirmed or denied by the Leaplings who fear the day will become open season on their kind, it’s true. While the groundhog will send you back to relive your most boring day over and over until you learn a valuable life lesson, the Leapling MUST send you back to relive your very best day, only once.

It’s a time gift you don’t want to waste!  So take a minute to review your life to date and pick your best 24 hours. Maybe your best birthday or holiday ever or just the most fun you ever had with a departed family member.

If you have a photo, this helps to get the right day. But even if you can just picture it in your head, that will work too. Either way, you need to have it ready!

How Can I Catch A Leaper?

While your individual strategy should take advantage of your particular powers,  there is one iron-clad rule…

That’s right, iron. Like all fae folk, Leaplings are susceptible to its influence. Contact with iron weakens them. So devise your trap with this in mind, bearing in mind you don’t want to hurt anyone. Think, iron filings in a leapers’ shoes, pre-frog out, not a bear trap. If you encounter one in frog form, a simple cast iron cook pan should work. Just make sure it’s not hot!

And now you’re ready to keep on leaping in your best day ever!

Seth

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Undead Baby Angels on a Plane Get the Facts Before They Get You

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Is that a sweet baby angel or a cursed demon doll sitting beside you? 

Coming soon to a plane near you, dangerous undead angels from Thailand. Is that suspiciously silent baby beside you a harmless Luk Thep or a malicious Kumon Prai?  Learn the difference now before it’s too late.

Luk thep or kumon prai? Your life depends on knowing the difference.
Luk thep or kumon prai? Your life depends on knowing the difference.

Quick recap.

Thai people summon these angels at a temple with help from a monk who uses a charm or two or three in a complex ritual  to trap an undead spirit inside a creepy baby doll.

These undead child angels demand to be taken everywhere, make you cater to their every whim. They order restaurant meals for instance, even though they don’t eat. They want to ride the bus with you, go to your classes with you or sit beside you at work. They can never be left alone. In return they may promise to make your wishes come true. Or they may not.

Last week airline Thai Smile announced they would permit these child angels on flights, and now every Luk Thep and her spirit dog wants a seat. Problem is, some of these little angels are less than angelic.  In fact these dolls can be downright demonic. Master Ohm Mahamontra who performs these mystical angel-binding ceremonies himself wants to remind the world that these angel dolls do not all host the innocent spirit of an undead baby angel. No, these evil dolls imprison the restless demon of a dead person, a “Kumon Prai.”

Luk Thep, Kumon Thep or Kumon Prai?

Luk Thep

Almost the same thing as a Kumon Thep but not quite. Once long ago, real dead baby parts would have been used to summon an unborn angel spirit who promised to make your wish come true.  But today the two Theps are largely made with store-bought dolls. Or so they say…

The difference between the two Theps is this. A Luk Thep angel doll isn’t “locked.” The angel spirit inside it can come and go, probably roaming among many such dolls. While inside the Kumon Thep, an angel is trapped. See below.

If you find a Luk Thep besides, count yourself lucky. They’re curious so they may stare at you and change the channel on your screen when you’re not looking but p probably won’t attack. Overall creepy but not as bad as the Kumon Thep (below).

Kumon Thep

This is an undead baby spirit trapped inside a doll, bound to it by a practitioner of the black arts. Are they happy to be trapped there? Not so much! They demand to be worshipped like a god and may or may not grant your wish. Depends how worshipful you can be.

If there’s a Kumon Thep on your plane, things could get weird.  They’ll order in-flight service only to spill it all over you. They’ll get up to go to the restroom every five minutes. You’ll find flight snacks in your hair. And the probability of attack is elevated.

But even then, better to have an unhappy Kumon Thep in the seat beside you than a demon doll or Kumon Prai.

Kumon Prai

These dolls are packed with the ashes of a person killed in a sudden and tragic incident. In the past, it was often the hair of a woman who died in childbirth but today Kumon Prai are more often made with the ashes of traffic accident victims. Sometimes with added soil from seven different cemeteries just for good measure.

Needless to say these little angels are very unhappy indeed. If you see one boarding your flight, I hate to break it to you, it’s probably going down, down, down. Tell security immediately and don’t get on that flight, whatever you do.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com