YOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A PSYCHOPATH
Psychopaths are terminally shallow, self-interested and self-gratifying. Dealing with psychopaths is never easy but here are some tips you can try:
1. Never show fear. They like it. Unless your psychopath is also a confirmed cannibal, in which case see: DANGER – YOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A CANNIBAL.
2. Snap a very unflattering photo of her. Think low angles, bad lighting, focus on her nostrils and double chin. Queue it up to Twitter immediately and threaten to *SEND*. It could save your life.
3. Divert him! Psychopaths are terminally bored. The nihilistic vacuum of psychopathy leaves the average psychopathic killer wallowing in his own ennui and belly-button lint. Think of something of interest to him in his daily life, say the latest Black & Decker drill or even a handy psychopathy checklist.
4. Hang out with people who are hotter and more outgoing than you. I understand this runs counter to all dating advice which maintains you should pick friends who make you look gooder by comparison. But dating and psychopath avoidance are often related so you do well to re-examine this advice. Having only hotter, louder friends ensures that you will probably not be the primary target of a psychopath. Of course you may have to protect your hot friends later but never mind that. For now, just enjoy the free drinks, keep your eyes open and your mouth shut.
~~~If The Psychopath is You~~~
Don’t despair. A diagnosis in psychopathy doesn’t have to mean a life sentence of obsessive holiday killing sprees, if you don’t want it to. Due to the popularization of psychopathic diagnostic tools, more and more humans are being diagnosed as psychopathic every single day. You are not alone!
Many psychopaths successfully sublimate their murderous urges and go on to become great captains of middle management and all-round family folk. You can choose your own psycho-path.
Here’s a few tips from successful psychopaths who were once just like you:
1. Develop a code of ethics. Please do not rely on on your gut instincts about how to treat others. Unless you intend to do the opposite of what you feel. Do NOT develop this behavioural code on your own! Organized religions like Judaism, Islam and Christianity to name just a few have managed to distill some of the important points into a plan for you. Start by picking up one of their guiding tombs and crack it open to a random page.
Allow me demonstrate. Okay, here for example. The Bible. Old Testament so Judaism approved. Deuteronomy 18:10 reads:
Never sacrifice your son or daughter as a burnt offering.
See? That’s very good advice for a psychopath. Religious books like these are full of gems like this one that speak to you. Pick up your copy today!
2. Learn to appear normal. This is not just a matter of later witness identification, it’s just a matter of basic courtesy. Try your best to look un-scary. Leave your hockey mask on the rink. You won’t need it at the lake. You’ll find that people react better to your presence and the comparative warmth of their reactions may not melt your psychopathic heart but it will trigger fewer slaughterous incidents. And that’s good for everyone.
3. Learn to feel normal. After you’ve mastered looking normal, you’ll want to look into that whole “feelings” business some people are always on about. This may come as a surprise to you, but you can do this entirely without cutting open your family and friends. Try asking them how they feel about things and then listening to their answers instead. Beyond that a few basic psychology classes can supplement your understanding. If it’s not, consider following the psycho-path of more than a few historical examples and become a clinical psychologist.
Start there and see how it goes!