California scientist’s colony of real Yakon aliens that breathe boulders and eat energy.
Scientist Kenneth Nealson publicly admits to raising a colony of real-life energy-eating, rock-breathing aliens, ignoring the obvious danger to all life here on Earth.
Professor Kenneth Nealson of University of Southern California defended his decision to farm an alien species that eats only energy and breathes rocks instead of air.
“They could be harnessed to create biological fuel cells or to clean up human waste,” he told the reporter from Popular Science who busted the professor and his alien colony.
Reporter Corey S. Powell says the Professor refuses to call his pet Yakons aliens at all, referring to them instead as Shewanella oneidensis which translates, roughly, to voracious light-eating, boulder-breather bacteria who wants all your electrons NOW!
In fact, Powell uncovered an entire team of scientists helping Professor Nealson to raise a virtual army of these aliens. Learn to protect you and your electrons now before these alien-loving academics bring about the electrolopolypse…
Energy Eater Alien Survival Tips
1. Go Off Grid
Understood, not everyone has their own underground bunker yet. But it doesn’t make you crazy just because you have a rubber room! Now is the time to build your own, before these hungry aliens come looking for you.
2. Non-Conductive Clothing
Yes, the neoprene run really hot but on the bright side, you look pretty cool. And it’s a lot better than coating yourself with silicone – trust me on this. So be ready, get out your rain gear and rubber boots. And don’t forget the hat.
3. Lights out & lay low
Think energy conservation – not just about global warming. Power everything down – including you. Especially you. Now is a the time to practice your zombic meditation. And if you’re not sure what this means, find a meditation class taught by a qualified Zomtanga instructor at your local recreation facility and learn how to slow your cellular metabolism to undeadly levels as soon as possible.
4. Arm Yourself
If you have a Tesla Cannon or Tesla Gun, equip that immediately. Don’t have one yet? Got an old nerf gun laying around? Then it’s not too late. Turn that old birthday present into a real lightning cannon out like survivor Rob Flickenger did here. That said, a commercial Super Taser may do the trick.
(And here’s where you ask, Seth. Seriously? Why shoot them with electricity, which they love? To which I reply, Good question and thanks for keeping on keeping on…)
The point here is this. These aliens have an energy for rock metabolic process meaning they devour energy and breathe out rock. To whit, the more light you shoot them with, the more rock they will breathe out. The theory here is that by shooting them with enough energy, their respiration will cause an avalanche that falls only on them.
Or that’s the theory anyway. But as Yogi Berra would say… in theory there is no difference between theory and practice but in practice there is!
