Seth On Survival

Supernatural Survival HQ

You are here: Home / Archives for Survival News

Survival News

Can Zombies Fly? Zombie Zappers Clear Undead Forces For Takeoff

By Leave a Comment

Air force approves zombie pilots for flight using controversial zombie cure

Meet the military force expanding its ranks using a controversial zombie treatment technology known as trans-cranial direct current stimulation (tDCS) and the groaners on both sides.

Even if you’re not a zombie (yet!)  you’ve probably heard about this controversial “zombie cure.”

Experiments with tDCS on zombies
Zombie zappers Experiments with tDCS

Maybe you’ve even used a zombie zapper yourself following a close call with an infected walker. Haven’t we all at least once? 

Whether you ordered a portable kit online or made your own device like me using some wire, a couple washers and a nine volt battery – you probably blamed the bald spots and hairnet on your new job at the local Fried Foodlike Fingers joint.

And if it worked, the electric shocks delivered to your cranium may have saved your consciousness long enough to force a retreat of the zombie pathogens – if you weren’t too far gone already that is.

But I, unlike many less truthful supernatural survivologists who would sell you their signature devices, would never call tDCS a “zombie cure.” At best, Z-zap tech is a lifelong treatment that requires reapplication at consistent intervals. Sure, maybe you can manage your condition with a portable unit – until the day you forget to charge your batteries or shave the side of your head.

But even with strict adherence to protocol, the constant headaches and nausea could make you pull the plug and go full zombie just for some relief.

Considerations like these, however, have never stopped the world’s militaries experimenting with tDCS to recruit zombies into their ranks. The allure of a giant army of shamblers hooked up to one centrally controlled current has occurred by now to any military force with two nickels to rub together. Zombies are still much cheaper than cyborgs and robots or humans after all, making them ideal ground forces fodder.

Only now though has anyone wanted zombies to fly. The sheer number of decisions required to keep a plane in the air was considered too complicated, even for a new Stage Oner still able to pass all acuity tests.

Now those days are over! Thanks to a series of successful air force experiments at the Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, near Dayton, Ohio, zombie soldiers are now clear for take off.

A move being hailed with groans from the ground all around.

“Ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeaaeeeeeeeaat nooooeeews,” said one zombie soldier when he heard the news and who indicated his intention to apply to the Top Gun program immediately.

Groans too from human, Bernhard Sehm, a cognitive neurologist at the Max-Planck Institute concerned about tDCS and the military. Sehm says online here that the real-world scenarios and complex demands of combat should not involve the use of zombie zappers.

“The enhancement of one specific ability might result in deterioration of another,” he says. “To use non-invasive brain stimulation in soldiers poses a risk both to the person receiving and to other persons who might be harmed by his actions.”

Not to mention the expense of drool-proofing the cockpits, he added off the record.

Spa Holidays On Mars Should You Book Yours Today

By 2 Comments

Mineral springs discovered on Mars but should you book your Martian Spa Holiday today?

With the discovery of underground water flowing on Mars, the Internet is awash with reports of all the ways it will provide what you need for your future on the red planet.

But as you consider the epic announcements, SOS urges caution with one claim in particular – Martian spa holidays are mere decades away, book yours today! 

mars-water

“Thanks to the discovery of water, holidays on Mars are a certainty within mere decades,” writes David Baker, the editor of Spaceflight, and the author of the Haynes Workshop Manual to NASA Mars Rovers.

This report, which appeared in most mainstream media, endorsed by space tourism booster billionaires like Elon Musk and Richard Branson, has resulted in a pre-booking rush by survivors seeking a space spa experience in Martian mineral water.

Can a mineral soak on Mars make you look like Martian Matt Damon?
Martian actor Matt Damon’s mineral water secret

“Martian mineral water is the best,” said one such spa-seeker who jumped at the chance to pre-book. “Just look at Martian actor Matt Damon. Don’t you want to look like him?”

Actor Matt Damon has refused to deny the secret to his pumped Martian physique is due to regular use of its mineral spas but canny viewers of his new space survival show, The Martian all note –  the film works very hard to hide the existence of Martian waters.

“We just didn’t want the secret to come out yet,” Damon stated in defence of the film. “I mean, what if anyone could look like me? Even you, Seth?”

“I don’t need that kind of competition for lead roles. You think I want to go back to working in the fire opal mines?”

More Mars news here.

Preserve Tetrad Supermoon Powers of Four

By Leave a Comment

Make a dark moonlight trap to celebrate and save the tetrad supermoon, supernaturally.

As the Tetrad Supermoon rises it’s only supernatural for you and your clan to want to celebrate and preserve the perigee powers of this once in a millennium event.

Four blood moons rising
Four blood moons rising

It has only been a thousand years afterall, since the last of four supermoon eclipses at exactly six month intervals –  and it’ll be about a thousand more before you can do so again. Of course you want to save some.

So if you don’t have your supermoon eclipse celebration and preservation plan yet it’s not too late. To help you and your clan make this supermoon supernatural, SOS presents how to prepare and deploy a Tetrad Dark Moonlight Trap.

1. Convene your personal Tetrad

To preserve the dark tetradic Powers of Four you will need – insert drumroll here – ah four others. Or 8. Or 16.

(Additional multiples of four will amplify the effect but increase the amount of dark moonlight you need to make.)

But that doesn’t mean you should invite anyone. Give some thought to the supernatural mix of powers at play here. Your friends are mostly vampires? You might want to think twice about the werewolves you invited.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t invite vampires and werewolves to the be in the same Tetrad. In fact, a balanced blend of oppositional forces can be the best way to go on these occasions. I am saying however, that you need to know! Be sure to scan your friends with the Monstrometer if you haven’t already.

With a minimum of four fellow supernaturals on board, proceed to prepare your Tetrad Dark Moonlight Trap.

2. Prepare your purified water receptacle

Colloidal silver is always the best option for this as it will purify and photosensitize your water at the same time. You can make some silver water quickly with a few drops from a vial of store-bought colloidal or generate your own from scratch.

No time for either option? Although less effective, any purified water in a glass receptacle should do in a pinch.

(Important point here, your receptacle should be clear glass in order to permit the dark moonlight to pass into the trap.)

How much purified water you put in your trap depends on your needs, how many supernaturals will share in the bounty and how concentrated you want it to be. Less water in a smaller receptacle will result in stronger dark moonlight material but may not be enough for a larger group.

3. Submerge a photosensitive material.

Salt is much cheaper than true silver here, simply sink a block of it to the bottom of your glass water jug or jar.

If you do however, happen to have a true silver-backed mirror handy this is still your best option. Submerge the mirror in the bottom of your tetrad trap.

4. Properly position your Dark Moonlight Trap 

To find the best place you’ll want to research this in advance. Clouds are not a problem -although they will result in a more dilute solution  – but any tall buildings or trees can prevent the dark moonlight from passing into your trap.

(Any supernatural structures handy? Say you live at Stonehenge? This of course will also amplify the effect and result in a stronger concentration of dark moonlight at the end of the night.)

Where ever you choose, just make sure to position your Tetrad trap well in advance of perigee. Like a long exposure camera, your dark moonlight trap needs to collect both the moonlight at its most bright AND the moondark at its most dark to preserve its powers within the water.

This means you’ll need to know the moon table for where you live. (Stand by for a good moon table link here….)

5. Join hands in a diamond formation around your trap.

If your tetrad is only four people this shouldn’t be complicated. Just avoid any rounded spaghetti arms that will turn your polygon into a circle.

However for a bigger group, this requires more coordination. Work it out long before the eclipse to prevent a full moon fail.

6. Divide and save the dark bounty 

Wait until the eclipse has fully passed and the moon fully returns before sealing your jug or jar – but don’t delay. The sooner you seal it the less you will lose.

Now all that remains is for you and the members of your Tetrad to divide the dark bounty among you. Take the Tetrad Trap to a secret location and transfer the dark moonlight evenly into smaller take-home glass receptacles for everyone involved.

Now you can call on the Tetrad Powers of Four for another millennium. Long may you keep on keeping on! 

Space Miners Wanted Earthlings Protest Martians Hired First

By 11 Comments

 Fire Opal Mines Seek Space Miners But Methane Breathers Only Please

Boos for the space mining industry this week from the unemployed astronauts who cheered the first fire opals found on Mars but now protest the industry preference for hiring only Martian miners.

Fire Opals On Mars Means Martian Mining Jobs
Fire Opals Found On Mars Means Martian Jobs

When scientists in Glasgow, Scotland found fire opals from the red planet on the Martian meteorite known as Nakla, Buzz Buchwald was among the first to celebrate.

“As a NASA-trained astronaut I have space suit and can travel,” said Buzz who was laid off in a round of cutbacks last year.

“Not to mention I can perform pilates in sub-zero gravity and play a mean acoustic guitar.”

“So naturally I thought for sure I could land a job as a fire opal miner on Mars.”

Buzz’s original optimism quickly crashed and burned though after he delivered hundreds of resumes to Martian mining operators. His follow-up calls to the companies in question all received the same routine reply – sorry Sir but the positions have been filled… 

“They didn’t even want to see my awesome Earth sunset photos or hear about my workout routine!” tweeted Buzz today. “I haven’t felt this bad since cutback space snack-packs took away my tube cheese!”

Martian mining industry reps, meanwhile, refuse to admit they hire only Martians.

“We simply ask all candidates to demonstrate the ability to breathe methane,” said one mine operator. “In fact we invite anyone whose only beverage requirement is a yearly subzero-ice chip to apply.”

“Is that really too much to ask?”

Earthlings who can provide their own space suit can probably find decent work as a moon miner or even on an asteroid gig with companies like Planetary Resources... added the industry rep.

In a related story, many Martians themselves continue to say “Nay!” to the fire opal rush on their planet.

“Our fire opals are not mere baubles like your lame Terran rocks,” sniffed one Martian activist.

Why?

“For one thing, these precious gems preserve our ancestors! And for another… let’s just say they do other things.I like you Seth but I can’t tell you about the other things and let you keep on keeping on, as you put it.”

Keep on keeping on Survivors.

New Portable Wormhole Tech Hailed Time Tourism Cheers And Boos

By 4 Comments

New personal portable wormhole that fits in your suitcase to terminate time tourism turbulence?

A team of three physicists from Barcelona, Spain unveiled the first functional portable wormhole generator to cheers from survivors of another turbulent time travel season but big boos from the time travel agents who depend on them.

Personal portable wormholes put time travel agencies out of business?
Personal portable wormholes put time travel agencies out of business?

“A theoretical proposal by Greenleaf presented a strategy to build a wormhole for electromagnetic waves..however, an actual realization has not been possible until now. Here we construct and experimentally demonstrate a magnetostatic wormhole,” the team reported here in the journal Scientific Reports. 

While Doctors Jordi Prat-Camps, Carles Navau and Alvaro Sanchez refuse to claim their suitcase-sized wormhole generator (photo below) will revolutionize the time tourism industry, disgruntled time travellers everywhere have high hopes that it will do nothing less.

“Look, I paid for a simple ancestry vacay to prevent my little brother’s conception. Is that too much to ask?” comments one such disgruntled time tourist. “Instead I woke up stranded in the Triassic, not a single hot tub device or Tardis to be found.”

In his lawsuit against the time travel agency in question, the tourist writes that, “After almost drowning in a monsoon, I would have prayed for a dinosaur to come and extinct me… but not even a dinosaur would set foot in that poopy epoch.”

While this tourist and his agency continue to fight over a refund, he and other survivors like him are vowing to purchase a personal portable wormhole unit like this one before taking a chance with another tardy time travel trap next year.

But will the suitcase wormhole really do for time tourism what mobile cellular technology once did for computing?

Not surprising time travel agents want to deliver dire warnings to would-be wormhole buyers.

“Do you see any temporal or geographic control settings on the device in this photo?” writes one angry operator. “Exactly! There are none. So how can it even send you to the correct place, never mind the right time period?”

“At least we get the approximate geography right 99 percent of the time. It’s really not our fault if your family tree hasn’t evolved yet.”

Yawn Test Exposes Psychopaths Says Scientists but Yawning Flaw Remains

By 3 Comments

Science and psychopaths expose yawning flaw in new yawn test

A new test to reveal potential psychos by yawning in their faces to see if they yawn back is welcome news to both survivors and psychopaths this week, who reveal the real yawning flaw.

Out potential pyschopaths with a yawn
Out potential psychopaths with a yawn test

When a Baylor University study showed how potential psychopaths do not
catch group yawn contagion because they have no empathy, survivors everywhere began conducting secret secret yawn tests.

“I told my parents the swim teacher here was a psycho when kids started disappearing but they didn’t believe me!” said a Crystal Lake camper named Samantha who organized her entire swim class to yawn- test the instructor. “Then I proved it with this video. See how we’re all yawning at the same time, right in her face? Well she never, ever yawns back!”

“Now my parents say if I survive maybe I won’t have to come back next year.”

“I guess they couldn’t get their money back.”

The new yawn-test study was unexpectedly welcome news to the psychopathic community too.

“So that’s why everyone has been yawing in my face!” said Camp Crystal Lake’s psychopathic swim teacher. “For a while I thought maybe I had to starting killing kids ahead of schedule to avoid boring them to death instead!”

Instead the psychopathic swim teacher intends to stick to her original killing schedule of one or two children every night until the final spree that will finally eliminate Samantha.

“Also maybe I’ll sign up for that new yawn-faking workshop the camp director is giving for staff,” she added.

Meanwhile Supernatural Survivologist Seth Greening reminds survivors when it comes to detecting supernatural threats in your environment, there is no substitute for his handy free diagnostic app The Monstrometer.

“Your survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98% or your money back!” he promises.