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Space Fairies Have Wings Will Travel Earthlings Report

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Android or fairy, pick your Homo Optimus form for the future. 

In the future will you choose a fairy form for your space travel vacay or will you plug into your custom android rig with the gold skin snd go back to work?

If you haven’t decided yet now is the time as one famous scientist, Dr. Ian Pearson predicts this choice for you by the year 2050 in his new report on the future of earthlings.

Famous Scottish fairy specimen really a space traveller?
Famous Scottish fairy specimen really a space traveller?

Dr. Pearson established his futurism cred back in the nineties when he predicted text messaging and Google glass, among other things but today he spends his time defining the forms that we earthlings will be take in the future.

Dr. Pearson’s Homo Optimus theory predicts we will use technology to adopt super enhanced forms by 2050. Forms like this one pictured here.

So why does Doc Future think anyone not born a fae will want to  be one soon?

Homo Optimus Faetum:

Your fairy form will be tiny but will also have big advantages for space travel, according to Dr. Pearson. It is a lot easier to accommodate and transport tiny people.

“It is not frivolous to suggest that most space travellers will be rather like fairies,” he explained. “Wings would make it easy to get around in zero gravity too,’ he added.

Dr. Pearson’s space travel prescription has both fairy and alien research communities aflutter with new theories about famous specimens including this one from Scotland.

Is the Glenshee-Lyall fairy really a future earthling traveling through space? Many now believe this to be true.

But wait! Before you pick the color of your future wings, consider Dr. Pearson’s other Homo Optimus options:

Homo Optimus Androidius Maximus: 

Okay the latin may be craptaculous but you get the idea. You could move your mind into one or more android forms that feature a wearable musculo-skeletal support suit along with other enhanced technologies including gold skin to allow you direct bio-electric interface with others.

You had me at gold skin Dr. Pearson but wait! There’s more! Your new nanotech-enhanced immune system will continually monitor and optimize your wet-wear, enabling you to avoid pain along with unwanted cravings for Twinkies and Doritos, letting you work without weariness or breaks. Who needs a holiday anyway?

Still can’t decide? Don’t worry, there’s a third option for you to consider:

Boltzmann Brain: 

You could adopt the form of a Boltzmann brain,  that is a self-aware brain floating through space!

In which case a good jar may be your only problem! Don’t wait, get yours today.

And long may you keep on keeping on!

Seth

V-Day Self Defence

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V Rules To Weather A Psycho Stalker Storm

SlasherRose

 I. When you don’t know the sender, put it in the blender.

Okay I know I just like that because it rhymes. The virtual blender of course. Or brain blender if you will. Unless you have a really good blender, that can accommodate things like flowers and small taxidermy projects, in which case by all means. The point here is just this. Stalkers keep stalking, and stocking, your in-boxes, for as long as you accept it. Do Not Accept. No room on the shelf or screen. Delete.

As cute as that stuffed squirrel may seem at first, send it back unopened.

II. No Friend Zone for Stalkers

Stalkers don’t understand the meaning of friend zone. So no, you can’t really just be friends and unless your idea of a good time is making papier mache hockey masks and dreaming of homicide, never offer to be one. It’s not fair to either of you.

III. BYOH: Always Bring Your Own Hydration Source

Never leave home without your preferred hydration source in hand, properly protected. Two obvious reasons. One, nobody can slip you a unwanted shot of polonium. Two, you’ll be limber and well-hydrated when fan and feces meet.

IV. Safe Way Home

Two things to remember here. One, a safe walk or ride home is not with just anyone you know or anyone bigger or stronger than you who has a car, bike, donkey. If it’s not with somebody you have known and trusted for years, then you’re statistically speaking better off travelling alone or with a true friend at the other end of a connected device.

V. Avoid All Open and Running Water Sources

Why??? Why did they always do it? Go out on the lake? Into the shower? Sit on the toilet? Somehow they always found a reason.

But don’t you. As night falls on this Friday One-Three Part V,  just say no to good hygiene and tempting offers to go midnight fishing. And above all watch out for strangers in hockey masks and coveralls.

As always, your survival is my survival!

Shapeshifter DNA Study Moves Myths

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Shapeshifter Scientists Strike Gold in Study

Ever been sidelined by a shapeshifter and asked yourself, how the heck…?

You’re not alone. And it’s not your fault. Therianthropic research to date has been shifty at best, misleading at worst and all we could say for sure about this particular species of supernatural being is well, good luck.

Thankfully a little good news this week. Researchers discovered the tiny gold particles that assemble into crystalline structures when you add DNA to the solution that surrounds them and reshape themselves in response to light.

“This is a massive shift in our understanding of these slippery superstars,” says Professor Dominic Von Buren.

Shapeshifter scientist chemist Chad Mirkin and colleagues at

Shapeshifters so not blue,
Shapeshifters so not blue, new research shows.

Northwestern University, Evanston, in Illinois. Mirkin coated gold nanoparticles with DNA to make “hairpins,” single strands of DNA in which the end is sticky ie: will bind to another nanoparticle.

They further report seeing these different sticky pins form 10 different crystals and create more than 500 different forms.

But Seth how will this help me survive an encounter with a shapeshiftsr? you ask.

Well it won’t, is my short answer. But this research solves some of the mystery surrounding the shapeshifter and their environment. In short, it does provide you with some useful intel that will help you spot the shapeshifter lurking in your lair before they spot you?

Is there a shapeshifter lurking in your lair?

  1. Yes. Probably. 

This DNA research makes it more likely than ever to find a shapeshifter impersonating a seemingly innocent, everyday object in your home. So keep a careful inventory of everything in your HQ. Especially everything made of metal, glass or stone. If you can’t remember buying that gold Egyptian mummy cat paperweight that’s probably because it’s not a real gold Egyptian mummy cat paperweight. It’s a merciless shapeshifter waiting for their moment to attack.

Either that or it’s a carelessly planted Area 51 bug. Either way, get rid of it.

2. What’s that sparkly stuff on the floor? 

Here’s what it’s not – a vampire. We all know that by now. This research confirms this as a sign of a shapeshifter. First things first. They are NOT blue in their base form. That’s only in the comics. They are crystalline. Secondly, shifters have trouble maintaining their combined forms for very long so they tend to leave a trail of sticky crystal crumbs as clues in their wake.  And it’s not like they clean up after themselves. How do you suppose scientist got their DNA in the first place?

Look on the bright side, maybe it’s real diamonds. Pick them up and pawn them after the shapeshifter is done crystallizing you.

3. Why is my hand stuck to the wall? 

Probably because it’s not your wall anymore it’s a shapeshifter impersonating your wall and that’s what you get for leaving bare concrete in your bunker.

The bad news here is you’re stuck now prepare to fight. The good news is you can largely prevent this with a bit of paint. The palette of pigments in a complex pattern of good paint will make it harder for a shifter to get it right, thus buying you valuable time to get away. So don’t wait – decorate your bunker. It seems frivolous but it could save your life. 

4. Shapeshifters need light.

This research proves what we’ve long suspected, namely that shapeshifters require light to potentiate their shifty powers.  So cut the lights the second you suspect a shifter has infiltrated and access your ninja training to fight.

Of course this won’t help if it is a ninja and not a shapeshifter at all. For which scenario please see the SOS survival guarantee.

Well that’s all for now Survivors. It’s not everything, I know. But it’s not nothing. And it might just help you survive in this world full of supernatural chaos. 

So long may we keep on keeping on.

Groundhog Day Survival Theory 101

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Don’t be trapped on repeat in your most boring day. 

Heads up survivors it’s Groundhog Day. Does today look suspiciously exactly like yesterday to you? You, like me and many survivors today could be trapped in your most boring day, unwitting victims of the Curse of the Goundhog.

Don’t Look at the G-hog!  A Time Traveler Trick or Witches At Work?

Now my life is one of alternating extreme boredom and terrifying chaos, so I normally stay safe in my bed on Groundhog Day with the shutters drawn, until well after the G-hogs have come and gone. When Punxatawny Phil comes out, I go underground! For me, it’s the safest bet. Just think of your most boring day. Would you want to repeat this day again and again and again until you succeed in learning some valuable life lesson?

Even worse – think of MY most boring day. Night watch on a love struck vampire, who just stares at his GF all night long without moving. Or a day long interview with a dessicated old-school zombie and a translator. Or worst of all, waiting for a human to find correct change to tip me on a 12-inch garlic sausage pie. These are not days that I want to repeat even once, let alone over and over again and again.

But something has happened today I woke up and it looked suspiciously like the one before. In short, I smell a G-hog curse. But how? How did it get me this year?

Consider two current schools of thought about the origin of the Groundhog Day Curse and decide for yourself.

Groundhog Day Curse Theory #1:

Some survivologists claim the Groundhog Day curse is the work of a witch, who either assumes groundhog form on this day or who has made a familiar of Punxsatawney Phil. Either way, the bewitched Groundhog picks those in need of a life lesson, cursing  them with a single beam of light from his eyes to a fate worse than death – to relive their most boring day, until the victim can discern and pass a goodness test of the witch’s devising.

Certainly there is some evidence to support this position. Witches are famous for issuing lessons in this fun and fatal way. And while it’s not common for a witch to have a rodent familiar – it’s certainly not impossible. They tend to stick with small, furry beings.

But consider the other point of view…

Groundhog Day Curse Theory #2

Some researchers believe that Groundhogs are actually a super-advanced Time Travelling species. That G-hogs live in a network of burrows connected by worm holes, jumping back and forth through time at will, unobtrusively taking notes about the world. This explains why they are so tired all the time. Time lag makes them grumpy. So when humans decided to start dragging them out for entertainment on this day, the grumpy groundhogs decided to have some fun of their own. Hence every groundhog in every town picks one human for time sport, sending them into a time loop to learn some important life lessons, primarily to be nicer to small time-travelling creatures.

What Does Groundhog Day Researcher Harold Ramis Say?

To answer this question definitively, we might turn to the survivological source, the writer/producer of that groundbreaking Groundhog Day 1993 documentary,  Mr. Harold Ramis himself.

Well you might, but you wouldn’t get an answer. Because if you asked Mr. Ramis, you would be sorely disappointed.  Mr. Ramis has publicly stated that he will never reveal the truth as he understands it. That he deliberately made a decision to hide the true source of the curse. No matter how many times you watch and re-watch his documentary. Why Mr. Ramis? Is the truth too terrifying to tell?, the origin of the truth is never revealed.

Until Mr. Ramis corrects the record, we can only speculate about the true answer and hope for the best.

Now if I can find a way to get out of this day I could tell you what I learned…

Be Yule Sweater Armour Ready Top Tips From A Yule Cat Survivor

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Sweet sweater armour tips from real Yule Cat survivor Shawn 

SOS on Seasonal Survival, a reminder from Yule Cat survivor Shawn here, prepare to face the next holiday horror, that feline demon, the dread Icelandic Yule Cat.

Luckily old Jólakötturinn is just the third toughest seasonal spirit you will need to fight after Krampus and the Grinch himself, but take it from Shawn here who has personally survived several encounters  with the dread demon cat, there remains a right way and a wrong one to prevent him eating your eyeballs. And it all boils down to effective armour.

Yule Cat survivor Shawn has Yule Sweater Ready
Yule Cat survivor Shawn has Yule Sweater Ready
Quick review if you haven’t faced him – or her –  yet. Jólakötturinn the Yule Cat is a lesser demon who stalks the earth this time of year, ready to attack old sweaters and gouge out the eyeballs of the beings who don them on or before December 22.

“Take it from me, your sweater is your armour,” says Shawn. “And when it comes to this crusty Christmas cat, the uglier the sweater, the better your armour.”

Shawn, who has faced the feline demon multiple times and survived 98% intact explains the reason for the ugly season.

“Remember this is a demon cat, a kitten in fact with demonic kitty-like love for pom-poms and goo-gaws, decals and puffy parts,” Shawn explains.

“When Jólakötturinn sees your shiny wreathes and woo-wahs he will be distracted long enough for you to protect your eyes and win the fight if not to escape.”

“Also in hand-to-claw combat the Yule Cat gets hopelessly tangled up in the Christmassy crap on your crewneck, making him relatively easy to bag and tag.

Just rip off the sweater and roll it up with the Christmas cat contained inside it.”

“And remember to protect your eyes. No sweater can protect your eyes,” he adds. “Unless you have sweater-goggles. In which case can you email a pair of them to me while I still have one left?”

Take it from Shawn here, get your sweater armour ready, long before December 22. The ugly Christmas sweater is not just a seasonal joke, it’s yet another shining example of an ancient seasonal tradition steeped in survival in an Instagram world. Take it seriously and you too will survive another Christmas season.

Go here for more seasonal survival tips.

 

 

Krampus Komming Tonight!

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Krampusnacht Survival 

Are you ready to face Krampus? The most feared Christmas cryptid comes armed with birch whips and bathtubs to drag you down the nearest hellevator shaft tonight. So unless you’ve confirmed your name on the official not-naughty list, read on.

An SOS red and green alert.

Cramps comes tonight!
Krampus comes tonight!

Mark it on your survival calendar, for the next two nights Krampuses will break their chains to roam free on the streets, armed with birch whips and bags – or believe it or not bathtubs –  on their backs to drag down the naughty.

So unless you’ve been 100% not-naughty – and who among us can claim that? –  don’t be caught unawares! Prepare your anti-Krampus kit, stat!

A brief review for those not in the know. Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious,  some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches. Others that he – or she – is the leader of a certain coven of nasty witches who rule the darkest hours of the year.

Whatever his taxonomy, defending against Krampus is a little more complicated than swapping your sweater to foil that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat… but seriously don’t forget to do that either… that Icelandic Yule Cat is coming too…

Complicated but luckily not impossible if you like me, have prepared your Krampusnacht Survival Kit.

Krampusnacht Survival Kit

1. Letter of Good Service from St. Nick

It’s not foolproof but if you have one handy, a letter of service from St. Nicholas will stop any Krampus in his tracks. The letter should highlight a few of the not-naughtiest deeds you performed this year.

But you say, Seth, I don’t have such a letter! Don’t despair. Even if you didn’t have the foresight to request one from St. Nick in advance, you can still prepare one in time. In fact, tonight it’s easier than any time of the year, with many St. Nick emergency certification services online waiting to sign your reprieve.

Of course to use these services you’ll need to prepare you own letter, truthfully outlining your outstanding moments from the past year and send it in for St. Nick certification. Beat the rush! Aim for at least three examples of exemplary behaviour and send yours in immediately. Even the naughtiest among us can find at least three magic moments of good enoughness in any given year.

If not, well, then, you’ll probably enjoy your time hanging with the Krampii anyway.

2. Pack a Pistol of Distilled Spirit Water

Get out that water gun – or better yet cannon – and fill it full of spirit water, preferably one that is fruit based.

Different than holy water, spirit water comes from many sources. Now some supernatural survivalists will try to tell you the best source is a certain glacier or spring in a far flung place but when it comes to old Krampus, the easiest and cheapest way is to just make your own spirit water. Mash a rotten fruit into some dilute rubbing alcohol and fill your cannon. Then stand back and aim carefully because each hit will send up a tower of flames.

And don’t be fooled by anyone who tells you schnapps is is the best ammo. This is a rumour from the Krampus PR team who know how much their client loves a tasty alcoholic shot in the mouth. Sure it’s effective stopping a Krampus in his tracks, but it’s expensive and when it runs out you’re still in trouble. So take it from me, save your pennies and raid the back of the fridge for a fermenting fruit instead.

3. Carol That Krampus, Quick!

There’s a reason in the season for those obsequious carols playing all around you. That’s right, those traditional songs have the power to keep traditional spirits like Krampus at bay.

While the number one anti-Krampus carol remains unknown at this time, I do know this much. Any old stand-by delivered full force, preferably by more than one singer and ideally more than a little off-key can cripple a Krampus temporarily at least. Long enough for you to get away.

In many countries of the world, Krampus cards were issued to remind you of the right words to sing but today you’ll have to rely on your own devices. So think of the most annoying Christmas carol you know and download it before you hit the road tonight!

Then be sure to keep on keeping on Survivors, because in our darkest hour, survival is ultimately a supernatural business.

Seth