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Stupid About Cupid Five Myths About the V-Day Demon

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Can you spot a Cupid before you wake up in a Las Vegas hotel with a strange band on your hand and a sinking sense of doom?

Today this supernaturally important question faces us all. Love and its consequences remains  among the most supernaturally mysterious survivillogical forces at work in our universe.  Read on and you may yet survive the V-Day demons who will be out in full force tonight.

Cupids of antiquity
Cupids of antiquity

Or don’t. But don’t email me when you wake up in Vegas married to a giant rock who looked like an elf last night or worse, a zombie stripper who removed much more than clothing.

Learn how to identify a modern Cupid before its too late. Hint: if you are still looking for a naked kid or a dude in an adult diaper, then you have fallen for the five myths about Cupid.

5 Myths About Cupid  

Myth #1: Cupid Flies Around Naked

Let’s get this out of the way. A modern Cupid is not going to make his or her quota from a jail cell facing indecent exposure charges. They know this and take pains to appear dressed at all times. Now we can argue about how dressed they really are, but that would be a waste of time. They have the ability to appear fully clothed and that’s the point.

So how dressed do they like to appear?

Here’s the thing about Cupids. As minor angelic and/or demonic beings – See Myth #4 – they can generate the appearance of whatever clothing they can imagine. So how they dress depends on what they feel like imagining. Most Cupids are pretty flashy dressers who like to change it up a lot so look out for multiple suspicious wardrobe changes and clothes that are just slightly different every time they appear.

And yes, if you do happen to catch a Cupid generating a new outfit, you might inadvertently see some parts you didn’t expect. Like wings and deadly claws, among other things. If this happens, don’t even think about hanging around to see what happens next. You don’t want to know.

The First Cupid Camera
The First Cupid Camera

Myth #2: Cupid is Armed With a Bow and Arrow

Okay yes, Cupids of antiquity were indeed armed with bows and arrows but that’s only because they had a deeper appreciation for metaphor and no other options. Modern Cupids swapped their bows for cameras over a hundred years ago and of course, today’s little demon is digital just like everyone else and has added a computer.

Yes the modern Cupid is a paranormal paparrazo hunting you with his Cupid Camera, not a bow and arrow. Their game is to get you in frame with the love object they have selected for you and then CLICK – say goodbye to your sense and sensibility, at least until you can delete that image at the source.

Myth #3: Cupid Is Blind

Another poetic interpretation. Let’s get this straight. LOVE is blind. Cupid just likes dark sunglasses. For obvious reasons. He doesn’t like to project where he’s looking and who he’s sneaking up on.

Myth #4: Cupid is a Minor Deity

That’s what she wants you to think but trust me, Cupid is no goddess of love.

So what is he? A little demonic dude cursed to the task of germinating  terrible relationships for the amusement of the underworld OR a minor angelic being who has to hook up enough humans to atone for the amorous sins he committed during his time on earth?

The answer here, we now know, is either, or… BOTH. So how do you know which kind of Cupid has you in his or her sights?

The answer is, you don’t. Supernatural survivologists of old used to warn lovers about gold arrows vs. lead arrows and white wings vs. black, but the truth we now know is there are no hard and fast rules. Play it safe and assume there’s probably at least one of both kinds, competing for who will get you first.

Myth #5: There Is Only One Cupid

See the deity myth, above. There can be and there is more than one. There are whole choirs of Cupids, corps of Cupids. More and more all the time. They’re a small but important part of the eternal war for Heaven and Earth. Think of them as underground foot soldiers for the soft war games that enable the higher ups to plan the bigger stuff.

So now you know how to spot a modern Cupid, good luck on V-Day, survivors. Try to stay off Cupid’s Camera – or not, depending on your situation – and remember this one tip if nothing else – Cupids love honey but they hate bees. Keep a fake bee in your pocket and be prepared to throw it when the Cupid Camera appears.

Get the facts about valentines day. From the true werewolf roots of Valentine’s Day to stalker killer survival and the real reason we give Valentines, your survival this full moon depends on it.

Shapeshifter DNA Study Moves Myths

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Shapeshifter Scientists Strike Gold in Study

Ever been sidelined by a shapeshifter and asked yourself, how the heck…?

You’re not alone. And it’s not your fault. Therianthropic research to date has been shifty at best, misleading at worst and all we could say for sure about this particular species of supernatural being is well, good luck.

Thankfully a little good news this week. Researchers discovered the tiny gold particles that assemble into crystalline structures when you add DNA to the solution that surrounds them and reshape themselves in response to light.

“This is a massive shift in our understanding of these slippery superstars,” says Professor Dominic Von Buren.

Shapeshifter scientist chemist Chad Mirkin and colleagues at

Shapeshifters so not blue,
Shapeshifters so not blue, new research shows.

Northwestern University, Evanston, in Illinois. Mirkin coated gold nanoparticles with DNA to make “hairpins,” single strands of DNA in which the end is sticky ie: will bind to another nanoparticle.

They further report seeing these different sticky pins form 10 different crystals and create more than 500 different forms.

But Seth how will this help me survive an encounter with a shapeshiftsr? you ask.

Well it won’t, is my short answer. But this research solves some of the mystery surrounding the shapeshifter and their environment. In short, it does provide you with some useful intel that will help you spot the shapeshifter lurking in your lair before they spot you?

Is there a shapeshifter lurking in your lair?

  1. Yes. Probably. 

This DNA research makes it more likely than ever to find a shapeshifter impersonating a seemingly innocent, everyday object in your home. So keep a careful inventory of everything in your HQ. Especially everything made of metal, glass or stone. If you can’t remember buying that gold Egyptian mummy cat paperweight that’s probably because it’s not a real gold Egyptian mummy cat paperweight. It’s a merciless shapeshifter waiting for their moment to attack.

Either that or it’s a carelessly planted Area 51 bug. Either way, get rid of it.

2. What’s that sparkly stuff on the floor? 

Here’s what it’s not – a vampire. We all know that by now. This research confirms this as a sign of a shapeshifter. First things first. They are NOT blue in their base form. That’s only in the comics. They are crystalline. Secondly, shifters have trouble maintaining their combined forms for very long so they tend to leave a trail of sticky crystal crumbs as clues in their wake.  And it’s not like they clean up after themselves. How do you suppose scientist got their DNA in the first place?

Look on the bright side, maybe it’s real diamonds. Pick them up and pawn them after the shapeshifter is done crystallizing you.

3. Why is my hand stuck to the wall? 

Probably because it’s not your wall anymore it’s a shapeshifter impersonating your wall and that’s what you get for leaving bare concrete in your bunker.

The bad news here is you’re stuck now prepare to fight. The good news is you can largely prevent this with a bit of paint. The palette of pigments in a complex pattern of good paint will make it harder for a shifter to get it right, thus buying you valuable time to get away. So don’t wait – decorate your bunker. It seems frivolous but it could save your life. 

4. Shapeshifters need light.

This research proves what we’ve long suspected, namely that shapeshifters require light to potentiate their shifty powers.  So cut the lights the second you suspect a shifter has infiltrated and access your ninja training to fight.

Of course this won’t help if it is a ninja and not a shapeshifter at all. For which scenario please see the SOS survival guarantee.

Well that’s all for now Survivors. It’s not everything, I know. But it’s not nothing. And it might just help you survive in this world full of supernatural chaos. 

So long may we keep on keeping on.

Groundhog Day Survival Theory 101

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Don’t be trapped on repeat in your most boring day. 

Heads up survivors it’s Groundhog Day. Does today look suspiciously exactly like yesterday to you? You, like me and many survivors today could be trapped in your most boring day, unwitting victims of the Curse of the Goundhog.

Don’t Look at the G-hog!  A Time Traveler Trick or Witches At Work?

Now my life is one of alternating extreme boredom and terrifying chaos, so I normally stay safe in my bed on Groundhog Day with the shutters drawn, until well after the G-hogs have come and gone. When Punxatawny Phil comes out, I go underground! For me, it’s the safest bet. Just think of your most boring day. Would you want to repeat this day again and again and again until you succeed in learning some valuable life lesson?

Even worse – think of MY most boring day. Night watch on a love struck vampire, who just stares at his GF all night long without moving. Or a day long interview with a dessicated old-school zombie and a translator. Or worst of all, waiting for a human to find correct change to tip me on a 12-inch garlic sausage pie. These are not days that I want to repeat even once, let alone over and over again and again.

But something has happened today I woke up and it looked suspiciously like the one before. In short, I smell a G-hog curse. But how? How did it get me this year?

Consider two current schools of thought about the origin of the Groundhog Day Curse and decide for yourself.

Groundhog Day Curse Theory #1:

Some survivologists claim the Groundhog Day curse is the work of a witch, who either assumes groundhog form on this day or who has made a familiar of Punxsatawney Phil. Either way, the bewitched Groundhog picks those in need of a life lesson, cursing  them with a single beam of light from his eyes to a fate worse than death – to relive their most boring day, until the victim can discern and pass a goodness test of the witch’s devising.

Certainly there is some evidence to support this position. Witches are famous for issuing lessons in this fun and fatal way. And while it’s not common for a witch to have a rodent familiar – it’s certainly not impossible. They tend to stick with small, furry beings.

But consider the other point of view…

Groundhog Day Curse Theory #2

Some researchers believe that Groundhogs are actually a super-advanced Time Travelling species. That G-hogs live in a network of burrows connected by worm holes, jumping back and forth through time at will, unobtrusively taking notes about the world. This explains why they are so tired all the time. Time lag makes them grumpy. So when humans decided to start dragging them out for entertainment on this day, the grumpy groundhogs decided to have some fun of their own. Hence every groundhog in every town picks one human for time sport, sending them into a time loop to learn some important life lessons, primarily to be nicer to small time-travelling creatures.

What Does Groundhog Day Researcher Harold Ramis Say?

To answer this question definitively, we might turn to the survivological source, the writer/producer of that groundbreaking Groundhog Day 1993 documentary,  Mr. Harold Ramis himself.

Well you might, but you wouldn’t get an answer. Because if you asked Mr. Ramis, you would be sorely disappointed.  Mr. Ramis has publicly stated that he will never reveal the truth as he understands it. That he deliberately made a decision to hide the true source of the curse. No matter how many times you watch and re-watch his documentary. Why Mr. Ramis? Is the truth too terrifying to tell?, the origin of the truth is never revealed.

Until Mr. Ramis corrects the record, we can only speculate about the true answer and hope for the best.

Now if I can find a way to get out of this day I could tell you what I learned…

We’re Not Aliens! Octopi Deny DNA Results

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Octopi to genome scientists, we’re really just average Earthlings!

Undersea and under siege from science, octopi are up in arms – all 8 of them! – to deny new DNA science about their alien origins.

“We’re really just average earthlings like the rest of you,” insists Dr. C. Thulu, exhalted emperor of the UAUF (Undersea Aliens United Front). “Just a little more complex.”

Dr. Thulu Exhalted Emporer the Underseas Aliens United
Dr. Thulu Exhalted Emporer the Underseas Aliens United
But researchers from the University of Chicago who found a new map of the octopus genetic code insist it is so strange that it may be alien in origin. Their DNA sequence of the first whole cephalopod genome sequence shows that octopi are more complex than other earthlings, including humans.

Not only that but the octopus DNA is highly rearranged – like cards shuffled and reshuffled in a pack – containing numerous so-called “jumping genes” that can leap around the genome.

“The octopus appears to be utterly different from all other animals, even other molluscs, with its eight prehensile arms, its large brain and its clever problem-solving abilities,” said US researcher Dr Clifton Ragsdale, from the University of Chicago.

“Our paper describes the first sequenced genome from an alien.”

Now the meralien octopi are fighting back.

“So we’re smarter than the rest of you, more adaptable and we have a few more arms than average, does that make us so strange?” says Dr. Thulu. “What next, Earthlings? Make us build a wall?”

“Go ahead. I dare you. We’ve already started one.”

ET Phone Home

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Lost and Found: Ancient Cell Phone But Does It Belong to An Alien? 

Aliens and time travellers rush to claim this ancient cell phone allegedly unearthed in Austria by archaeologists this week but none yet know the correct cuneiform number to claim it.

The cellphone allegedly appeared in Fuschl am See, in Salzburg, Austria. Researchers who unearthed the mysterious artefact date it to the thirteenth century, long before the appearance of cell phones on earth.

Did an alien lose this phone?
Did an alien lose this phone?

But is this really the lost phone of an alien visitor to earth some 800 years ago? Or the misplaced device belonging to a time traveller?

Disagreeable experts disagree.

“Earthlings had just invented the printing press and the closest thing to a phone they would know was a carrier pigeon for like the next 700 years,” sniffed Professor Van Buren. “There is no evidence of any time traveller trapped in this era searching to find or re-invent a lost device like this one.

Besides which, everyone knows technology like this can’t cross temporal barriers,” he added before going on to recall many reports of poorly equipped alien tourists wandering around wanting to phone home.

“Case closed, I say clearly an alien phone not a time traveller’s.”

Whether you are a time traveller or an alien yourself, if you know anyone missing their ancient cell phone, please contact the site immediately. But claimers take note: to prove ownership of the device you must know the correct number in cuneiform so look very closely at the keys first!