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Easter Treat Alert-How To Beat the Bunny Man

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Do your Easter traditions involve a candy hunt? Then  beware – The Bunny Man may be hunting you. Before you follow those foil eggs to a delicious but deadly conclusion, take a minute to remember the Bunnyman.

Easter brings the bunny man.
Easter brings the Bunny man.
Quick review. The Bunny Man or Bunnyman as some call him for slightly-less-long is the white chocolate demon spirit who haunts the Easter hunts of unprepared recipients of white chocolate products. 

You can read the full story here but long story short, the Bunnyman was once just a happy mascot in a white bunny suit. Until the world rejected him and his promotional product, taking his job, his fame and even his family. All which made the Bunny Man axe murderery before he drowned himself in a factory vat of white chocolate.

Authorities insist to this day that they properly disposed of that vat of white chocolate along with the mascot’s chocolate covered corpse but nobody can explain how the Bunny Man continues to appear year after year from inside the hollow of an unholy number of white chocolate Easter bunnies.

Could the Bunny Man be hiding in the hollow of your tasty rabbit this Easter, his demonic axe in hand?

The answer is maybe. And probably. And yes, almost certainly.  Read on!

1. Be White Rabbit Aware

While no white chocolate should be declared 99.98% safe, SOS research indicates the tortured Bunny Man’s soul infuses only 58.4% of all white chocolate bunnies. Your most dangerous white chocolate bunny? All white, no eyes, long ears, hollow. Least likely to contain a leaping leporidae spirit inside it? White-dark chocolate swirl with eyes and icing.

Unsure if your white chocolate is hollow? Don’t waste time tapping to test if it taps back, take this SOS advice for survival and get out the hammer instead. That’s right:

2. SMASH before you GNASH

Smashed white chocolate tastes just as good as unsmashed white chocolate. Truer words were never spoken here on SOS and this Easter they could save your life. Were you an ear or toe nibbler in the past? Time to try a different tasting tactic. Get out the hammer and aim it right at that Trojan treat.

3. Safety First on the Egg Trail

Is that another white chocolate egg you just found? What are the odds they would all be white chocolate…

Pretty good when you’re dealing with a Bunny Man trap as it turns out. If you don’t know the true nature of that egg, you need to stop stashing them and start smashing them. Or at least unwrap to check. If they have a candy coating, you’re going to have to bite it. It’s okay, the eggs are still tasty, and one white egg probably doesn’t mean the Bunny Man will get you – yet – but if your trail has turned to all white eggs, you probably won’t like what you find at the end of it.

Leprechaun Treasure Still At Large But Is It A Leprecon Game?

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St. Paddy’s Day again, but can anyone find the treasure Fenn?

Leprechaun Forrest Fenn renewed his St. Patrick’s challenge to the world AGAIN this year to find his treasure chest full of gold and jewels. But is Fenn really another forgetful Leprehaun who has left his geo-data in rhyme? Or a leprechaun man laughing at me er the world?

On the trail of Forrest Fenn’s treasure

Quick recap for those who haven’t been following the Fenn fiasco. The world’s most famous leprechaun claims he left a treasure chest full of gold jewelry and gemstones somewhere in Santa Fe.  To claim it you just need to divine the real meaning in his rhyme.

Now everyone knows the only thing more common than a leprechaun lifting your pants or your shoes on St. Patrick’s Day is a leprechaun looking for his lost loot. You’ll see them wandering the streets late at night this time of year, muttering and confused, dressed in festive green and asking for help.

But these fairweather fae generally move on with the next rainbow and a cup of minty coffee.

But not Forrest Fenn. Again and again, year after year, this old school leprechaun asks you and me to please find – and keep – his treasure chest. In it, he claims is a 17th century Spanish emerald ring, a ruby-studded bracelet, small diamonds and emeralds. along with, I still suspect, my long-missing pants.

Now the hunt for Fenn’s treasure has been on for more than 7 years and claimed more than a few lives, and still nobody has claimed it. Still every year at this time, survivors like yours truly buy his book of clues, download his map, and pack a bag for Santa Fe hoping for the luck of the Irish.

There are, Fenn claims, nine clues in the poem below.

Forrest Fenn lost his loot again – will he really let you keep it?

As I have gone alone in there
And with my treasures bold,
I can keep my secret where,
And hint of riches new and old. 

Begin it where warm waters halt
And take it in the canyon down,
Not far, but too far to walk.
Put in below the home of Brown.

From there it’s no place for the meek,
The end is drawing ever nigh;
There’ll be no paddle up your creek,
Just heavy loads and water high.

If you’ve been wise and found the blaze,
Look quickly down, your quest to cease
But tarry scant with marvel gaze,
Just take the chest and go in peace.

So why is it that I must go
And leave my trove for all to seek?
The answers I already know
I’ve done it tired, and now I’m weak

So hear me all and listen good,
Your effort will be worth the cold.
If you are brave and in the wood
I give you title to the gold.

Me, I haven’t decided yet if I will try my luck again this year.  But if you are thinking to give it a shot, I can tell you this much:

How To NOT Find Forrest Fenn’s Treasure

  1. DO NOT start by calling all the “homes of Brown,” in Santa Fe. It only lead to legal trouble in the form or a DO NOT CALL order.
  2. DO NOT email Forrest Fenn. He won’t send you any clues but he may put you on his mailing list and unless you have a good spam filter you REALLY don’t want to be on a leprechaun’s mailing list.
  3. DO NOT rely on clover-leaf power if you have far to travel. For starters, you won’t get them past the border. Sniffer dogs love them.
  4. DO NOT wear green. I know it’s St. Patrick’s Day but it will only make it harder for the Santa Fe park rangers to find you should you happen to get hopelessly lost on the trail.

If you do celebrate this St. Paddy’s day hoping to find Forrest Fenn’s fickle treasure chest, may the luck of the Irish be with you.

 

Space Fairies Have Wings Will Travel Earthlings Report

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Android or fairy, pick your Homo Optimus form for the future. 

In the future will you choose a fairy form for your space travel vacay or will you plug into your custom android rig with the gold skin snd go back to work?

If you haven’t decided yet now is the time as one famous scientist, Dr. Ian Pearson predicts this choice for you by the year 2050 in his new report on the future of earthlings.

Famous Scottish fairy specimen really a space traveller?
Famous Scottish fairy specimen really a space traveller?

Dr. Pearson established his futurism cred back in the nineties when he predicted text messaging and Google glass, among other things but today he spends his time defining the forms that we earthlings will be take in the future.

Dr. Pearson’s Homo Optimus theory predicts we will use technology to adopt super enhanced forms by 2050. Forms like this one pictured here.

So why does Doc Future think anyone not born a fae will want to  be one soon?

Homo Optimus Faetum:

Your fairy form will be tiny but will also have big advantages for space travel, according to Dr. Pearson. It is a lot easier to accommodate and transport tiny people.

“It is not frivolous to suggest that most space travellers will be rather like fairies,” he explained. “Wings would make it easy to get around in zero gravity too,’ he added.

Dr. Pearson’s space travel prescription has both fairy and alien research communities aflutter with new theories about famous specimens including this one from Scotland.

Is the Glenshee-Lyall fairy really a future earthling traveling through space? Many now believe this to be true.

But wait! Before you pick the color of your future wings, consider Dr. Pearson’s other Homo Optimus options:

Homo Optimus Androidius Maximus: 

Okay the latin may be craptaculous but you get the idea. You could move your mind into one or more android forms that feature a wearable musculo-skeletal support suit along with other enhanced technologies including gold skin to allow you direct bio-electric interface with others.

You had me at gold skin Dr. Pearson but wait! There’s more! Your new nanotech-enhanced immune system will continually monitor and optimize your wet-wear, enabling you to avoid pain along with unwanted cravings for Twinkies and Doritos, letting you work without weariness or breaks. Who needs a holiday anyway?

Still can’t decide? Don’t worry, there’s a third option for you to consider:

Boltzmann Brain: 

You could adopt the form of a Boltzmann brain,  that is a self-aware brain floating through space!

In which case a good jar may be your only problem! Don’t wait, get yours today.

And long may you keep on keeping on!

Seth