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Why Wait to Win the Wishing Season

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Fight Wish Waste 4 Wish Winning Ways

With falling star season upon us again, star wishers wonder what’s the winningest way to pin your wish on 60 to 100 stars per hour as they fall like fireworks from the sky all around you?

Don’t let the Season of the Wish pass you by. Be it the Geminids in September, the Draconids in mid-October and or the Leonids in November, don’t let this opportunity go to waste. Start wishing right, tonight.

Perseid Showers

1. Don’t Be Wishy Washy

It might seem fun or cute to start wishes with folksy rhymy old-timey preambles like:

Starlight starbright, first star I see tonight…

But that would be wishing wrong for so many reasons. For starters, with stars falling at a rate of 1.4 per second, how do you even isolate the first one you see?

For enders, this little rhyme effectively cuts off your ability to apply it to the 99 other stars falling around you. And don’t even get me started on:

I wish, I wish, I wish upon this star… <<insert rhyming wish here like: afar/jar/peace in Dakar…>>

Ever tried that one? And did your wish come true? Exactly my point. Be clear about your wish, write it down in the least possible words long before the sun sets and don’t worry about making it rhyme.

2. Technology Enhanced Wishing

Use NASA's Swift telescope to wish on the comet itself.
Use NASA’s Swift telescope to wish right on the comet itself.

Obviously even if you have reduced your wish to a single word with a single syllable like say, <<CAR>>, your ability to effective allocate this short wish to the shower of falling stars around you is still limited by two factors:

1. Your ability to see and

2. Your ability to speak as fast as stars can fall.

And let’s face it, loftier wishes are just harder to make. It requires a lot more words to wish for peace, security, dignity and long, healthy lives for every being on the planet or even to specify what you want on that pizza. And how many words can you say in one second? Try timing it and you’ll get my point.

No, you need technology to enhance your wishing. What technology? There’s a few options, most of them not invented yet. Maybe nobody has wished for it yet. So my wish plan for tonight is this; wish at the source!  That’s right, you pin your wish right on comet  that gives birth to all those falling stars and then you can get most of that debris before it burns through our atmosphere.

Easy. Now you just need an orbital telescope. Supply is limited, call NASA now to book yours.

3. Socially Enhanced Wishing

Friends can be the right tool for any job. Just ask Graham. With more wishers involved in any wish delivery, you’ll have a better chance of hitting all the stars and therefore maximize your wish fulfilment rate, guaranteed. I recommend a wish party. At least 4 – 8 wishers should do the trick. Then at the appointed hour you must:

1. Agree on a wish. This is the hard part. Too many wishers makes a wash. Face it, you’ll never agree.

2. Assume proper wish delivery formation.

Two ways:

Marty Ness and his friends demonstrate proper formation for wishing on a meteor shower.
Marty Ness and his friends demonstrate proper wish delivery formation.
  • Laying on your backs, take off your shoes and put your feet together.*
  • Laying on your back, put your heads together and hold hands.

*Thanks to Marty Ness and his friends for this correction on wish delivery formation. Apologies to any survivors whose wishes failed as a result of the previous description. 

3. Divide up the sky. I suggest using constellations as your guide.

4. Wish wish wish!

Non-wishers never win. True they may not be disappointed, but then they have to live in a universe where wishes can’t come true.

Remmber, just because science can describe many of the physical and material facts that surround a phenomenon, doesn’t mean there’s nothing spooky and unexplained left to find. Just ask any physicist and they will tell you to never stop wishing.

Cannibal Meat Company Calls Celebrity Sausage Tasty and Ethical

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Cannibal critics say celebrity salami is grisly and gross!

Cannibal meat company Bitelabs defends its line celebrity sausages made from celebs like Kanye West and Jennifer Lawrence as a form of ethical meat to be celebrated and savoured by all, but critics continue to call it a faux food replacement product, and much less tasty than the stars themselves.

Cannibals selling meat made from celebrities
Cannibals selling meat made from celebrities

“A charming and confident flavor profile, the JLaw salami is coarse ground in a rustic style, smoothed with notes of honey, and spiced with orange zest and ginger,” Bitelabs states on its website. “Always surprising, this salami will never fail to entertain.

This meaty news took the Internet by storm this week, with cannibal critics callling it grisly and gross.

“They want to blend Ellen Degeneres with ostrich! Are they insane?” asks one artisanal meat maker. “Ostrich is a tough and stringy meat and should never be blended with a talk show hostess with less booty than Tyra Banks.”

But Bitelabs says their special process helps them make curated sausage blends that are simultaneously even more ethical and delicious than the real celebrities on whose cells their salami relies.

“Starting with biopsied myoblast cells, we grow our healthy, rich, meats in Bite Labs’ own bioreactors,” Biolab states. “Our process yields high-quality, luxury protein, in a sustainable manner that eliminates the environmental and ethical concerns associated with traditional livestock production.”

But cannibal company critics insist any product that starts with celebrity cells can never be classified as real food, let alone healthy or rich.

“I would not, could not eat James Franco ham,” said one feisty female foody. “Not in a box with a fox nor in a house with a mouse…

“Not to say I wouldn’t like a taste of James Franco himself. He is pretty tasty after all,” she added, licking her lips.

Is this the biggest cannibal scandal since the suspicious supplements seizure of ’13? Or the best thing in meat manufacturing since sliced Spam?

That’s for you to decide survivors! In any event, keep on keeping on, live long and strong!

Friday the 13 Fears Follow City’s New Number Law

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Canadian City Fears Friday the 13 As Unlucky Number Returns

Vancouver city residents in fear today as a planned reversal of Friday the 13 preparedness planning brings back unlucky numbers including the number 13 to all city buildings — just in time for Friday the 13.

“We’re just putting a normal mathematical sequence back into building design,” says Chief Building Officer Pat Ryan.

Ryan, who denies working with both the psychopathy and witch communities to bring back unlucky number 13 calls it a question of public safety.

Ryan says that missing floors pose a danger to emergency services like police and paramedics who would arrive to find them gone.

But at least one Vancouver resident says he would rather face the treacherous void of a missing floor on Friday the 13 than a chainsaw in his face.

Friday the 13 brings UFO WTF
Friday the 13 brings UFO WTF

“There’s always hope someone can free you from a void…but a missing face? That’s a tough one,”  said Brian Jones who lives at what was formerly 1414 14th St. Now 1313 13th St. “Psychopaths don’t fool around on Friday the 13.”

This Friday the 13 it’s not just psychopaths and witches bring the bad luck back to Vancouver – it’s a UFO known as WTF1190F on collision course for Earth this Friday the 13.

“With my luck I fully expect to find my home crushed by this UFO at 13:13 tomorrow,” said Brian who is reviewing his personal Friday the 13 action plan as we speak.

Secret Ghost Soldiers of World War II

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Real Ghost Soldiers Speak About Spectral War

Have you met the real Ghost Soldiers of World War II? Yes, it’s that time of year, at least around here in the Northern Hemisphere when the ghosts will roam, each with a spooky story to moan.

Some, like the real Ghost Soldiers of World War II come complete with a bestseller and a publicist.

Ghost soldiers Speak
Ghost soldiers Speakne

As you and I both know, nothing contributes more ghosts to the supernethersphere than history and in history perhaps no event more than World War II,  but did you know a secret ghost battalion helped the allies to win the war?

Whether you heard the whole spooky story or like me you just clicked on the book cover, the true facts of these secret soldiers is in a nutshell, this. In the final days of World War II, a small band of ghost soldiers were hired to haunt the enemy along the front lines.

Armed only with scary shadows and sounds, these ghost soldiers of WWII successfully spooked the enemy on some 20 occasions to save literally thousands of lives.

So this supernatural season be sure to thank a ghost soldier for his service – perhaps with a piece of cherry pie.

(It’s true, ghosts like the cherry pie…)

Remember spook sightings start at Halloween with the witches and cats and stay ’til the festive season when demons and angels dominate the supernatural sphere with their celestial shenannigens.

Ghost Soldiers of WWII
Ghost Soldiers of WWII

Demon Star Lights Halloween Night All About the Algol

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Prepare for the Demons of Algol Guided by Demon Star

Add this now to your supernatural safety plan, prepare for the Demons of Algol out in full force  tonight, guided by the strange pulsing light of their star.

Learn all about the Algol
Learn all about the Algol

But Seth,  you say, for survival sake it’s too late to add to your Halloween checklist. You already reviewed and implemented your most effective supernatural disguise by now.  You already took these demon fighting tips from the Tower of London. Perhaps you even took this Halloween advice from the Vatican.

But if so, then you owe it to your supernatural self preservation to take a minute to learn about the Algol the pulsing Demon Star and to imagine the entities it guides as they will be out in full force this fine Halloween.

All About the Algol*

  1. The Demons’ Head

Algol is actually 2.85 star system of one bright star and two dimmer ones who rotate around the big one, causing its light to “pulse.” Imagine a lighthouse for demons and you get the general idea.

Ancient Egyptians saw how bad luck followed this pulsing pattern of light every 2.85 days and named it Algol, the Demon’s Head.

2.  One Demon, One Ghoul and a Severed Head

That’s what you’ll see. Hopefully long before they see you. That’s right, 2.85 demonic entities, on the prowl this Halloween night.

But what if you don’t spot them in time? What if they see you first?

It’s very possible. Probable even given the number of eyes involved here with a severed Gorgon head. But fear not!

Actually scratch that, fear enough, but don’t let your fear overwhelm your survival knowledge and using it to fight back.

3. Identify and Defeat the Smart One First

Only one is the real Algol, the real demons’ head.  The others are just a distraction  – one, a ghoul soulbound to  leader and the other literally a severed head. You must identify the leader immediately. Defeat the leader first and his entities fall too.

Now this won’t be easy. Afterall, not like the Algol will be wearing a name tag. (Exception: the demon baristas who work at Starbucks.) And the Algol knows how to fool you. You might think the Algol is the bigger one, the louder one, the better-looking one, the manlier one, for example. But the Algol loves to play with your mind so beware. The real leader here could be the little, funny-looker with the thin whiny voice.

(That said, you can safely check the severed head off your list. A body is still required equipment for leadership.)

No there’s only one real way to identify the Algol – a radiation meter. That’s right, the Algol demon will be the one emitting the most radiation, pure and simple so if you don’t have one on your device yet, better download one before you go out.

You say you don’t have access to a reliable geiger counter app? No problem. Just download The Monstrometer instead. It too will point to the Algol, 99.98% of the time under optimum conditions.

Algol active on Halloween Night
Algol activity on Halloween Night

4. Radiation-Proof Weapon & Shield

Improvisation is key here but in general we’re talking some combination of lead and/or tungsten and/or salt water here. Little known fact – even plastic will do in a pinch. In fact when it comes to neutron radiation, plastic is preferable. Bonus survival points if the plastic happens to be wet or capable of shooting some kind of saltine liquid – holy water gun anyone?

Whatever it takes to hold them off until dawn when the Algol’s power will need almost three days to recharge, ( 2.85 to be exact).

4. Keep Your Head 

Yes it’s hard to keep your head with demons around you are throwing theirs but somehow you have to remain calm and keep on keeping on. When that head comes rolling toward you like an infernal bowling ball, don’t turn and run, face it head on – pun intended! In fact, get a hold of the head if you can, it will make just as good a weapon for you as it did for Perseus.

*ALL here meaning all information contained within this report SOS supernaturally certified 99,98% true and accurate and may not be interpreted as ALL information in the known universe in relation to the Algol. For further information SOS recommends Wikipedia or Earthsky News….

HALLOWEEN SELF-DEFENSE EFFECTIVE DISGUISE ESSENTIAL FOR YOUR SURVIVAL

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Good Disguise Your First line of Supernatural Self Defense on Halloween

I said it a million times and I’ll say it again this year —->> on Halloween a good disguise is not just your ticket to a holy haul of candy, it’s your first line of supernatural self-defence on this most supernatural of nights.

First line of supernatural defense for Halloween is a good disguise
First line of supernatural defense for Halloween is a good disguise

Don’t believe me?

Believe the Vatican then because the Vatican itself publicly endorses my Halloween survival campaign.

Quick summary the Vatican exorcist Father Aldo Buonaiuto, of the International Association of Exorcists, recommends to disguise yourself as your favourite saint.

(Unless your favourite saint is Saint Polycarp of Smyrna, the patron saint of dysentery and earaches or Saint Fiacre the patron saint of people with STDs.)

Whether you choose a saintly disguise as the good father recommends or not, the point here is that ones far wiser than me understand your need for a safe and effective Halloween disguise. When the veils between worlds is thinnest, you need to go incognito. And choosing your disguise is the most important decision you will make — right after the pressing question of pumpkin bag vs. pillow case.

In the old, old days, true fact –>> parents used to disguise their kids as rotten vegetables, putting cabbages on their heads and such. And anyone who reads this blog should know that I have been calling for a return to this practice since 2010.

St. Drogo is the patron saint of unattractive people.
St. Drogo is the patron saint of unattractive people.

But I just want to point out that while stigmata and holy relics may be of some use defending against certain ghosts, gargoyles and demons, they help you not if Halloween brings the zombies and vampires to your neighbourhood. In fact, the blood stains, fake as they may be, might actually attract them.

Not to mention all that candy is bound to bring on a CANDYMAN…

No, your best bet is still a stinking, rotten head of cabbage or other large vegetable.

Of course if you haven’t been carefully cultivating your fetid head gear by now then it’s probably too late for you. My second best advice in this case is still just this – the least you can do on this day is disguise yourself as something that you’re not.

What I mean is, if you are a human, for heaven’s sake don’t go as a human. You’re not fooling anyone. If you’re a werewolf, consider changing it up and go as a zombie for once. That’s all I’m saying. Consider a saint if you want, by all means, just make sure you do your research and pick a mighty one, of whatever tradition. For dog’s sake, don’t count on Saint Drogo, the patron saint of unattractive people to help you under the evil eye of a vengeful witch.

Follow my advice this Halloween and your survival is guaranteed, 99.98%. And oh if you’re planning a Halloween party for the big night, a review of anti-vampire party planning is essential.

Your survival is guaranteed, 99.98%.