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Be Yule Sweater Armour Ready Top Tips From A Yule Cat Survivor

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Sweet sweater armour tips from real Yule Cat survivor Shawn 

SOS on Seasonal Survival, a reminder from Yule Cat survivor Shawn here, prepare to face the next holiday horror, that feline demon, the dread Icelandic Yule Cat.

Luckily old Jólakötturinn is just the third toughest seasonal spirit you will need to fight after Krampus and the Grinch himself, but take it from Shawn here who has personally survived several encounters  with the dread demon cat, there remains a right way and a wrong one to prevent him eating your eyeballs. And it all boils down to effective armour.

Yule Cat survivor Shawn has Yule Sweater Ready
Yule Cat survivor Shawn has Yule Sweater Ready
Quick review if you haven’t faced him – or her –  yet. Jólakötturinn the Yule Cat is a lesser demon who stalks the earth this time of year, ready to attack old sweaters and gouge out the eyeballs of the beings who don them on or before December 22.

“Take it from me, your sweater is your armour,” says Shawn. “And when it comes to this crusty Christmas cat, the uglier the sweater, the better your armour.”

Shawn, who has faced the feline demon multiple times and survived 98% intact explains the reason for the ugly season.

“Remember this is a demon cat, a kitten in fact with demonic kitty-like love for pom-poms and goo-gaws, decals and puffy parts,” Shawn explains.

“When Jólakötturinn sees your shiny wreathes and woo-wahs he will be distracted long enough for you to protect your eyes and win the fight if not to escape.”

“Also in hand-to-claw combat the Yule Cat gets hopelessly tangled up in the Christmassy crap on your crewneck, making him relatively easy to bag and tag.

Just rip off the sweater and roll it up with the Christmas cat contained inside it.”

“And remember to protect your eyes. No sweater can protect your eyes,” he adds. “Unless you have sweater-goggles. In which case can you email a pair of them to me while I still have one left?”

Take it from Shawn here, get your sweater armour ready, long before December 22. The ugly Christmas sweater is not just a seasonal joke, it’s yet another shining example of an ancient seasonal tradition steeped in survival in an Instagram world. Take it seriously and you too will survive another Christmas season.

Go here for more seasonal survival tips.

 

 

Don’t Let Dark Spirits Cramp-us Your Christmas Style

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Five Supernaturally Simple Dos to Keep Away the Krampii  

Sure, defending against dark spirits like Krampus is a little more complicated than swapping your sweater to foil that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat but it’s not as hard as Hollywood makes it out to be and you probably don’t need any heavy artillery.

(Unless we’re talking Mallie zombies here… in which case you might want some heavy artillery.)

No, all you really need are few sound seasonal supernatural survivological principles like the following:

Anti-krampus cookie by Odinn
Anti-Krampus cookie by Odinn

1.  Do bake some cookies

Sure you could just buy some and yes they would be cheaper but their manufactured uniformity and scary ingredients list also appeals to the darkest spirits. 

Even your crumbliest anti-Krampus cookie or your burntest bundt, buche or brownie is more spiritually effective. Some recent survivilogical research suggests its the smell of the baking process itself that keeps the good spirits happy and the Krampus away. So don’t wait, fire up your oven today. 

2. Do keep the Yule fire or light burning.

Whether its the lights on your tree, the log in your grate or the candles in your menorah  the lights of the season are an essential part of guiding good spirits to your home who will keep the dark ones like Krampus at bay.

(The other essential factor?  Review the SOS guide to seasonal survival, decorating for self-defense. In a word, it’s all about the baconD…)

3. Do remain mindful of all your old toys before moving on to the new.

Neglecting old toys is a a supernaturally bad idea. In the icy claws of a bad spirit like Krampus, old toys become a supernaturally good weapon or juju prop. It’s all about showing care and gratitude. So before demanding anything new this year, review the old with gratitude and find a good home for anything you don’t want anymore. 

4. Do remember the true spirit of season.

Here’s a hint – it’s about self-sacrifice and giving to others. Yes it’s a cliche but it’s also basic supernatural survivological self-defense. Geneticists still aren’t sure why or how yet but we do know now that practice this spiritual truth will survive the darkest hours while those who don’t… don’t. 

So don’t give any Krampuses – Krampii? –  a  hairy cloven hoof in the door of your spiritual wheelhouse. This season focus on what you can do for others.

5. Do keep that Krampus gift. 

Some say it will be a lump of coal, others that it will be a bell signed by the dark lord himself. Whatever it is, when you unwrap this strange gift you will know you survived an encounter with evil and likely saved someone you love – but just by the skin of your teeth. So keep the gift as a reminder to keep making the supernatural effort to keep your spiritual self-defenses up all year around.

Need more SOS seasonal supernatural self-defense? Find some here.

 

When Krampus Komes Will You Survive or Be Dragged Down?

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Dos and Don’ts For Krampus Survival

Krampus, the second most feared spirit of the season is officially on the loose tonight and sure to be roaming a street near you. Don’t be dragged to the depths of despair by this creepy Christmas cryptid, read and prepare your survival plan today.

An SOS red and green alert.

Cramps comes tonight!
Krampus comes tonight!

Krampusnacht, December 6 marks the start of Krampus’ killer season as official enforcer of the naughty list.

He comes armed with birch whips and chains for sure, and possibly killer cookies and elves, to drag you adn the ones you love most down the depths of the nearest hellevator shaft or portal.

But don’t despair. Armed with SOS handy list of Dos and Donts, you too can cramp Krampus’ killer style.

Tonight we start with the DON’T list

DON’T:

1. Don’t talk trash about Santa Claus. 

Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick and enforcer, some say his older uncle, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious seaonalus,  some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches.

2. Don’t complain about the food.

Nobody cares if you hate your aunt Greely gross fruit cake suck it up and smile. Otherwise you risk raising the ire of the Spirit of the Season that bring Krampus down on your Christmas.

3. Don’t peek at your gifts

A little shake and sniff is far enough don’t even think about peeling a corner of that paper. Think nobody would notice? Think again. He sees you when you’re sleeping… you really think he’ll overlook this one?

4. Don’t bite the head of that gingerbread! 

For Christmas sake, start with a hand or a foot, at least until you are certain it doesn’t move or talk. That said, collecting only the heads is equally creepy so… use some discretion here. If there’s a polite way to consume the face of a vaguely human-shaped cookie, I urge you to find it before Krampus and his killer cookies find you first.

5. Don’t ditch your family.

You might want to hang with your friends but now is not the time. No, the spirits of the season demand you spend it en familia, soaking in some wise elder ways… or else… Would it kill you to hear Bubbies’s Hanukkah story one more time? No? Then listen up and learn it because the alternative just might.

And now you know what NOT to do. Stay tuned tomorrow night when we do the DOs. Until then, you would do well to review the intel on that other nasty spirit, the Icelandic Yule Cat and his cousin the GRINCH.

Krampus Komming Tonight!

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Krampusnacht Survival 

Are you ready to face Krampus? The most feared Christmas cryptid comes armed with birch whips and bathtubs to drag you down the nearest hellevator shaft tonight. So unless you’ve confirmed your name on the official not-naughty list, read on.

An SOS red and green alert.

Cramps comes tonight!
Krampus comes tonight!

Mark it on your survival calendar, for the next two nights Krampuses will break their chains to roam free on the streets, armed with birch whips and bags – or believe it or not bathtubs –  on their backs to drag down the naughty.

So unless you’ve been 100% not-naughty – and who among us can claim that? –  don’t be caught unawares! Prepare your anti-Krampus kit, stat!

A brief review for those not in the know. Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious,  some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches. Others that he – or she – is the leader of a certain coven of nasty witches who rule the darkest hours of the year.

Whatever his taxonomy, defending against Krampus is a little more complicated than swapping your sweater to foil that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat… but seriously don’t forget to do that either… that Icelandic Yule Cat is coming too…

Complicated but luckily not impossible if you like me, have prepared your Krampusnacht Survival Kit.

Krampusnacht Survival Kit

1. Letter of Good Service from St. Nick

It’s not foolproof but if you have one handy, a letter of service from St. Nicholas will stop any Krampus in his tracks. The letter should highlight a few of the not-naughtiest deeds you performed this year.

But you say, Seth, I don’t have such a letter! Don’t despair. Even if you didn’t have the foresight to request one from St. Nick in advance, you can still prepare one in time. In fact, tonight it’s easier than any time of the year, with many St. Nick emergency certification services online waiting to sign your reprieve.

Of course to use these services you’ll need to prepare you own letter, truthfully outlining your outstanding moments from the past year and send it in for St. Nick certification. Beat the rush! Aim for at least three examples of exemplary behaviour and send yours in immediately. Even the naughtiest among us can find at least three magic moments of good enoughness in any given year.

If not, well, then, you’ll probably enjoy your time hanging with the Krampii anyway.

2. Pack a Pistol of Distilled Spirit Water

Get out that water gun – or better yet cannon – and fill it full of spirit water, preferably one that is fruit based.

Different than holy water, spirit water comes from many sources. Now some supernatural survivalists will try to tell you the best source is a certain glacier or spring in a far flung place but when it comes to old Krampus, the easiest and cheapest way is to just make your own spirit water. Mash a rotten fruit into some dilute rubbing alcohol and fill your cannon. Then stand back and aim carefully because each hit will send up a tower of flames.

And don’t be fooled by anyone who tells you schnapps is is the best ammo. This is a rumour from the Krampus PR team who know how much their client loves a tasty alcoholic shot in the mouth. Sure it’s effective stopping a Krampus in his tracks, but it’s expensive and when it runs out you’re still in trouble. So take it from me, save your pennies and raid the back of the fridge for a fermenting fruit instead.

3. Carol That Krampus, Quick!

There’s a reason in the season for those obsequious carols playing all around you. That’s right, those traditional songs have the power to keep traditional spirits like Krampus at bay.

While the number one anti-Krampus carol remains unknown at this time, I do know this much. Any old stand-by delivered full force, preferably by more than one singer and ideally more than a little off-key can cripple a Krampus temporarily at least. Long enough for you to get away.

In many countries of the world, Krampus cards were issued to remind you of the right words to sing but today you’ll have to rely on your own devices. So think of the most annoying Christmas carol you know and download it before you hit the road tonight!

Then be sure to keep on keeping on Survivors, because in our darkest hour, survival is ultimately a supernatural business.

Seth