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Enraged Elves in Iceland Battle Mayor Who Broke Their Church

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Lava elves bitter battle with town continues after mayor agrees to move their church and then breaks it instead…

Lava Elves in Iceland take up arms again this week after the humans who agreed to move their church away from a proposed road project broke the structure in half instead.

Movers broke the church.
Movers broke this elf church.

“When we agreed to let the humans move it naturally we assumed they meant to move it in one piece! What do you do with half a church?” said enraged elf activist Fróðu, author of inspirational books that include Be Your Best Elf-Or Else. “When we agreed to let the humans move it naturally we assumed they meant to move it in one piece! What are we supposed to do with half a church?”

The church, known as Ófeigskirkja was located in the Gálgahraun lava field, about ten minutes outside Rykjavik, smack in the middle of a proposed route to the town of Alftanes.

After eight years of fighting the proposed road development, the Lava Elves finally agreed to allow the relocation of their church in exchange for a lucrative relocation package that includes protection for the environment, a lifetime supply of peach skyr and satellite televisions.

But the moving crew hired to relocate the elves’ 50 ton rock church last week reportedly broke the chapel in half during the move.

“Is this the thanks we get for guiding humans safely through the lava fields all those years?” ranted Fróðu referring to the Lava Elves tradition of warning travellers away from hot lava spots using the church beacon. “Wait until you see what happens to their construction crew now!”

“I’ll give you a hint. It smells like melted bulldozers.”

Icelandic construction workers remember the history of “accidents” that have befallen those who failed to heed elven warnings. These are so many that even non-believers would rather play it safe than risk incurring the wrath of the huldufólk or “hidden folk” as the Icelanders call them.

In fact many concerned workers are already refusing to begin work on the project.

“It’s not worth it,” said one worried dozer driver. “Do you know how many machines and men they melted in the seventies before the supernatural site conservation laws? A lot.”

The danger is so great that companies planning large scale projects now try to pre-empt problems with the supernatural world by hiring consultants with clairvoyant skills to check out the landscape first to ensure it was empty of elvish rocks.

But what if you have a suspicious rock in your hood and you can’t afford an over-priced consultant? Don’t let this happen to you! Learn to identify elvish structures before enraging the elves inside it.

Most elf houses are not marked like this one near Selfos, Iceland.

How to Identify Elf Rocks

1. Location
Is the rock in the middle of a road? Elf rocks and roads go together for one of two reasons, depending whose story your believe. The elves say it’s because the best place to protect the earth and all its creatures is from the middle of a major roadway. And to be fair there are many, many reports of accidents averted by the sight of an elf on the road. But others suspect this elvish tendency is actually a form of piracy and for that matter you don’t hear as much about the accidents caused by an elf popping up unexpectedly in the middle of the road.

2. Inclusions
Is there something sticking out of the rock? Think a sword, spike or anchor but don’t rule out human legs which have also been reported. Point here is when it comes to elf rocks, things often get stuck in them for long periods of time. Like forever. Or until a once and future king appears to extract it.

3. Doors & Windows
Elves may be magical but they aren’t uncivilized. They prefer rock structures with windows and doors. No they won’t all be painted doors red with a giant Z on the front of it like the photo above – which was more likely marked by a human – but any rock with a number of openings and exits will do. Remember elves come in a range of sizes from slightly taller than a fairy to 8 feet in height so any rock formation is fair game, from boulders to caves.

How to Summon Fairies: Lessons from the Fairy Ladies

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FAIRY LADIES OF ENGLAND SHARE SECRETS

It’s probably the 14th most frequently asked question here on SOS – Seth, how do I summon a fairy? Preferably a transit fairy so I can stop missing the bus?

I’ll admit it’s a question which I have been slow to answer. In part because I get caught up with the more pressing questions, like, how can I get a werewolf to bite me? And, is this a Seth Rogen fanzine? 

But also in part because dealing with fairies is not straightforward as it seems. Need I remind survivors that fairies are not just tiny, sparkly beings of light who grant your wishes but malevolent iron-averse shapeshifting creatures who want to drag you to a faery realm for a life of servitude?

No, finding fairies is not something I would recommend. The danger is real Survivors and before you read further I would urge you to review these warning about the dangers of trying to trap a fairy. What a relief that my campaign appears to have tamed that trend.

Lessons from the fairy ladies.
Lessons from the fairy ladies.

But if you have already read my warning here and you are still intent on summoning a benevolent fairy in flight form, who am I to judge? I myself once had a hair fairy and admittedly, it was one of the longest best hair days of my life.

(But trust me, you don’t want to hear the price…)

With that disclaimer out of the way, I now reluctantly present to you Survivors, top tips from the Fairy Ladies of England, a group of ladies who say they have cracked the fairy code to commune regularly with the fae folk.

4 FAIRY FINDING FACTS

1. Flowers Attract Fairies

Fairy lady Jeanette Gage of Sutton England (opposite) uses Larkspurs, Fuchsia and Sweetpeas but her all time favourite is much easier to cultivate: dandelions.

“When you blow on a dandelion you will see the enchanted spreading their wings on their journeys,” she reported to the Daily Mail this week.

(Of course this may also attract angry neighbours but that’s just one of the risks you take searching for fairies.)

2. Fairies Love Wind Chimes

Fairies are suckers for music and they can’t resist stopping to play a tune so get a good set of wind chimes and put it in a window or doorway. By a good set, I mean any kind that is not too heavy a fairy can’t move them with its tiny wings. Fact: fairies can hear a wind chime from up to 86 miles away. If they like yours, they will make a detour to your door.

3. Fairies Love Fountains

In this fairies are like the rest of us. They need water. In fact, fairies in flight get 30X more thirsty than humans. They plan their routes around gently running water sources like fountains, which are far less dangerous than raging rivers or waterfalls inhabited by the elves and mermish. Provide a gentle, reliable water source and chances are good you will find a flight of fairies before you know it.

Of course, if the only running water source you have is a touchy toilet, you could try this trick shared by a real fairy here on SOS. DRAGONFLY_FAIRY_HEATHER reports that a bowl of water infused with the essence of something sweet will lure a fairy like her to check it out.  Read all about Dragonfly_Fairy_Heather here.  Just make sure you change the bowl regularly or you could wind up with ants. And nobody, least of all me, wants that.

4. Twist three times and sprinkle yourself with fairy dust.

This one comes form Fairy Lady Bonnie Sullivan who discovered this trick as a child. She went into a wardrobe – i.e.: a closet if you live in North America – turned around three times and sprinkled fairy dust on herself. Then she went to the window and ajiji-majii-la-tarajii… the fairies found her.  This mother of three has lived with the fairies ever since.

Of course this won’t work if you don’t have any fairy dust or your closet is too small and/or too full for spinning around. Unfortunately SOS cannot at this time enlarge your closet space but here is a link to a report by WEREWOLF GIRL about fairy dust and where to get it.*

*Disclaimer: SOS assumes no responsibility for the quality of any magic items obtained through its pages. As there are many different providers and kinds of fairy dust, Survivors are advised to do their own research and order at their own risk.

And now I would be negligent if I did not repeat, Survivors, repeat, while I do not personally recommend it, if you must and do succeed in finding a fairy: NEVER ATTEMPT TO TRAP A FAIRY. Please review the truth about fairies here.

And keep on keeping on.

Seth

Town Terrorized by Lutins Perilous Peppermint Tree To Pacify Populace

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Town terrorized by lutins who pacified the populace with a perilous peppermint fairy fruit tree

Peppermint tree pacified town
Peppermint tree pacified town

SOS alert the besieged town of St. Elie, Quebec has officially fallen to the lutin forces who first pacified the unwitting populace with a perilous peppermint fruit tree.

 When this innocent-looking tree first appeared in a forested St. Elie park some five years ago, the town hailed the appearance of its soft pink, sweet and spicy fruit, harvesting and consuming it in copious quantities, blissfully unaware of the nefarious effect of eating fae foods.

The whole Internet celebrated with St. Elie, trumpeting the reappearance of a real peppermint tree in story after story about the economic impact on this formerly sleepy town. Nobody seemed concerned about the real consequences…

Now five years later, these consequences become clear. The lutins have landed and a town is over run by feckless fae making a magical mint from folks who flock from around the globe to taste and see the magical fruit of the miracle St. Elie peppermint tree.

Signs of the town’s defeat hang everywhere you look. From special lutin-only crosswalks to lutin-run restaurants and hotels, it’s clear the population of St. Elie now lives in pacified servitude to their wee overlords.

Don’t let this happen where you live! Be on the lookout for any suspicious trees in your neighbourhood.

Town defeated by Lutins
Town falls to fae fruit of Lutins Peppermint Tree.

Never seen a fairy tree? No problem. Count yourself among the lucky survivors. But please, review the following before it’s too late for you and your town.

How to ID a Fairy Tree: 

1. Unusual Fruit

While not a scientific term yet, unusual is the best way to describe fae fruit which comes in many shapes, colors and sizes.

But that’s just part of the magic that makes it so appealing. Terrestrial fruits take time to grow and ripen, from flower to small fruit, growing over a predictable time frame to a larger size and deeper color that is more or less uniform.

Fae fruit, by contrast appears overnight with bright colors, often mixed or swirly, fully-formed and sometimes even fully wrapped as in the case of St. Elie. This makes harvesting it from the ground below that much easier, not to mention it can last forever on a shelf.

2. Makes You Want MORE

Faery fruit like all fae foods is magically designed to make you eat more and more AND mooooore AND MOOOOORE…

You get the idea. While fruit of the terrestrial realm will eventually fill you up and switch a stop-light in your brain, fairy fruit will never do this. In fact the opposite occurs. Think of it as sending a flashing neon-yellow GO-GO-GO-TIME-IS-RUNNING-OUT signal. T

3. The Real Magical Fruit

Those feckless fae have learned a lot since the days when they relied on beans to trap their prey…

(Except for giants. Giants are slow to change and many of them still go around trying to trade magic beans for livestock. Yes, the smartest giants have switched to jelly beans but even they have difficulty finding humans willing to accept them in exchange for a cow.)

…the point here is the fruit of a fairy tree is spelled. Spelled to do what? Oh, only to enslave you in one or more terrifying ways. What terrifying way? Just depends on which kind of fae you are facing and their needs. You could end up a fairy farm hand, amassing sweet mints for sale at exorbitant prices in a tourist town for lutin overlords or licking lollipops to generate power to a leprechaun shoe factory.

4. Fairy Fruit is First One Free

Again, except for the giants. See above. The fae of today give the first fruits away for free or nearly free, to rope you in and get you hooked. But very soon you will find there is a price. With leprechauns and lutins, that price will often be money, more and more of it as your appetite for more and better grows. But with other elvish and mixed magical beings and associated underworld-y types, the price can be much steeper. Like what? Oh, only your soul. Your memories. Your feelings. Little things like that.

5. Fairy Farmers Never Eat Their Own Fruit

Need more proof? Find a fairy farmer and offer them a fae fruit. Will they eat it? Ah no. Never. Not in your lifetime. They’ll do everything in their power to not consume it. They’ll sniff it and cut it and cook it and stack it and make buildings and even entire cities out of it but you will never ever see them eat it. That’s because even the fae are not immune to spells from other fae. And nobody is more suspicious than they.

Don’t let the lutins and leprechauns lord over you! Keep your community fae fruit free this summer. Alert the site if you spot a fairy tree in your land and SOS will send a herbicidal service STAT – first one is free.

SOS GIANT ALIENS EARTHLING INSECTS HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE?

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Giant intelligent aliens could see Earth as an insect colony, says science this week.

Could it be true? Are Earthlings the ants in a universe of giant aliens? If so how will you and your colony survive the coming alien exterminators?

Is Earth a giant insect colony?
Is Earth a giant insect colony?

First here’s the new science. Most intelligent aliens weigh more than 661 pounds or more than 300 kilos and likely stand nine feet tall, says scientist Dr. Fergus Simpson.

Why?

“Larger biospheres will host a wider range of species and a greater number of individual life-forms. For these reasons it seems highly likely that larger biospheres possess a greater probability of producing an intelligent species. This reinforces our conclusion that most life bearing planets are smaller than the Earth.

Throughout the animal kingdom, species which are physically larger invariably possess a lower population density, possibly due to their enhanced energy demands,” writes Dr. Fergus in his paper. 

“As a result, we should expect humans to be physically smaller than most other advanced species.”

The challenge to the survivoillogical community is clear – need to review and rethink your SOS strategy! Aliens may be coming smart kaiju to a continent near you, less intent on laying eggs in your chest than systematically exterminating you and yours.

So how will you survive? Until the details are in, consider these handy tips as a starter guide.

SOS EARTHLING SURIVIVAL STARTER GUIDE

1. Be Aware of Unusual Shadows

Yes, hidden underworld beings make them too but not like a giant alien. Got a sudden chill? Look up, waaaaay up! Is that a building? No?

Run to the nearest bunker immediately.

2. Insect Earthling Traps

If Earthlings are the insects of the universe that cockroach hotel could be a pest control trap for you, literally speaking.

Don’t be exterminated! Awesome architecture aside, avoid any structure that resembles a giant ant trap or smells of unknown chemicals.

3.  Protective Gear

In times like this, a good raincoat, boots and hat or tarp go a long way. To avoid contact with people pesticides wear them at all times when you exit your bunker.

Just be sure to safely remove and decontaminate all protective outerwear before you re-enter your domain or you could be responsible for an entire colony collapse.

Start there survivors and long may you keep on keeping on.