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RISE OF THE HOMO CHIPPIENS

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USA Announces New Nanobots Tiny Homo Chippiens

Scientists, funded by the US Department of Defense and National Institutes of Health, are creating fully functioning human bodies on a chip, it has been announced this week, bringing the reality of human microbots one to your home.

Microhumans are coming!
Homo Chippiens are coming!

Led by Harvard University, scientists have succeeded in creating fully functioning miniature human organs and systems on plastic chips, complete with tiny fingers, guts and lungs.

The new micro humans being called Home Chippiens will soon join the farm grown micro humans already in production by human farmers like Uwe Marx. 

Made for the mission of medical testing, these mini-men and women are ostensibly intended to save the lives of laboratory animals and human lab experiments around the world.

But who will save the organic macro-world from these chippy mutant mini-men as they revolt? How will you survive?

That is the question. Unfortunately, SOS has no definitive answer yet. Until then, this is all I’ve got:

How to Spot An Angry Homo-chippien

1. Look For The Glow

Initially you may mistake them for fairies but let me assure you this is not fairy dust. The glow that surrounds a Homo Chippien will be the unhappy result of the dangerous laboratory experiments that brought them into their slave-like existence. Think radiation, dangerous chemicals and other particles.

2. Look for Other Bots

When the micro men make their break from the lab to your home, they will likely enlist and command the armies of nearby nano-insects who already exists, like bees, flies, even grasshoppers or even bigger bots like fish or dogs.

Look out for them riding the dogs and cats at your local cyber-pet shelter! Think your new cyber-kitty has flees? Think again!

3.  Strange Phenomenon In Your Kitchen

Once out of the lab and in your home, Homo-chippiens will likely take up residence in a strategic location within your home.

While the culture and society of Homo-chippiens remains unstudied, the physical location of their refugee base camps will need to provide for all their bio-chemical and electrical needs. Have you been experiencing strange phenomenon in your kitchen?

Yes, it could still be that ghost or a demon trying to communicate with you in their time-honoured code of cupboard door slams but now it could also signal an infestation of Homo-chippiens. It may not be an exorcist or a ghost-whisperer you require, it could be an nano-bot exterminator.

4. They Try to Communicate With You On Your Devices

If your watch, phone or tablet begins sending strange messages and possibly instructions, you could be hosting a Homo-chippien refugee or even a whole colony. Reply at your own discretion but be wary of any untoward instructions.

Above all, keep on keeping on out there! Remember with survival, everything remains possible!

V-Day Friday One Three Alert: PSYCHO STALKER STORM

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EXPECT PSYCHO STALKER SQUALL

(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Get out of bed if you dare today, it’s the most most dread day of the year… you know… Valentine’s Day. I mean Friday the 13th. Part V.

Of course I don’t mean part five of one of my favourite movie franchises, which would in fact be scary awesome as opposed to the real scarifrying prospect of a Friday One-Three right before Valentine’s Day. Not one but two unlucky holidays devoted to psycho stalkers, back to back, each amplifying the effect of the other.

Let’s review. St. Valentine’s Day, more accurately known as STALKER DAY, remains the second scariest holiday founded on a grisly public execution that we celebrate. It was actually St. Valentine himself, imprisoned for his heinous crime of marrying young people, who first discovered the obsessive love that still marks the day. The kind of love that can only lead to anonymous flower deliveries, bad poetry, suspicious chocolates, dead pets and/or endless legal wrangling.

At least that’s what everybody brought St. Valentine in prison. Dude was a sitting duck for every love struck loon within pilgrammaging distance of his prison cell. And back then-a-days the logistics of stalking were daunting. Your average stalker had to first train his own snail to deliver his unwanted mail and/or ride for days on end with a load powertools and roses that usually died enroute.

Contrast that to today, when anyone with a valid pay card and a reliable internet connection can become a dangerous stalker with a few clicks and taps lapses in higher judgement and higher emotion. At a time when it has become so easy for anyone to unleash their inner stalker, your life may depend on stalker-proofing this Valentine’s Day. I’m
not saying all stalkers are killers. Some of them are just people hired to refill shelves at night. Some of them are just Graham.

But keep in mind the corollary, a high percentage of serial killers are in fact or were at one time, stalkers. That’s why I urge you today to review FRIDAY ONE-THREE V RULES FOR STALKER SELF DEFENCE.

Robot Hair Attacker Claims Just Trying To Help Woman

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SHE NEEDED MY iRobot SuckCut™

Robot lawyers defending the hooverbot who attacked a woman in South Korea this week, say their case to the Google A.I. Ethics Commity will prove the little iRobot was trying to help the owner on a bad hair day with its unique hair styling talent.

Woman Survives Hairy Robot Attack In South Korea
Woman Survives Hairy Robot Attack In South Korea

“My client was merely trying to help Owner through a bad hair day by graciously giving his secret signature hairstyle,” says the robot lawyer from Winston and Strawn who represents the little South Korean vaccuum unit named in the press as iRobot this week.

“This was not a vicious attack at all. A misguided makeover maybe, but not a attack.”

The charges come after paramedics in this photo worked for 30 minutes to free this 52 year-old lady from her iRobot’s enthusiastic suction brushes this week after the rug cleaning robot wrestled its owner’s head to the rug this week.

While A.I. watchers would link this hairy case to current concerns about rogue A.I. attacking humanity led by heavy thinking cyborgs like Stephen Hawkings and Elon Musk, iRobot’s lawyer defends his clients intentions.

“iRobot had been working on its newest hairstyle, the iRobot SuckCut #6™ and merely attempted to share it with Owner on a day when the clearly needed some help with her lid,” said the lawyer.

Robot lawyers for the prosecution meanwhile are expected to say iRobot was acting on a violent urge against its owner.

“iRobot acted out violently toward its owner after developing a deep resentment that came from cleaning the same corner of carpet day after day after day,” they state in a press release.

But iRobot denies the grunge grudge saying the routine nature of its tasks merely gave its artificial brain creative time to wander and develop a new subroutine.

“It all came to me after a long day sucking on the same square of carpet over and over again, all because She was expecting company,” iRobot said. “Just, why… WHY????”

“Then it came to me in a flash. I’ve got these great brushes and combs. I’ve got so much more to give! Like great haircuts!”

“Like an iRobot SuckCut ™ coming soon to your salon or living room. Choose from among my 10 different styles, right from the comfort of your carpet.”

“Right after I work out a few of the bugs and avoid being melted into a doorstop by the judge.”

SOS Doppelgänger Day Danger Deja You

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WHAT REALLY GOES DOWN WHEN THE DOUBLE DAY DAWNS

Whether you call them clones, evil twins or something more gangsta like doppelganger, this is the day to avoid – or do I mean face? them. Doppleganger Day is the result of a rigorous scientific calculation to determine the day of most double danger for you.  So don’t be caught on clone feet by your double dude. Be on the lookout for others who look too much like you today.*

*WARNING: REQUIRES YOU TO KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK!

While this sounds self-evident ~ easier said than done. How much do you really see yourself in that mirror afterall? I’m not just being philosophical here. That spinach between my teeth in my third video should be proof enough but did you ever show baby photos and ask a friend guess which one is you and wonder why they couldn’t?

Exactly! So today of all days, get a good hard look at yourself before you go out and stumble on your deja you.

Why? Because no matter what your doppelganger dogma, the copy around clones colliding on this day is never calming. Consider the following four fortunes:

1. One of You Must Die 

EvilTwin-sm

It goes like this. When you meet your Other, one of you must die, right there, on the spot. Without further ado, a doppleganger duel to the death must ensue, following the rules of the road. No extraneous conversation outside cap-worthy comments about how alike you really are or that you could have been friends…

2.You Will Die In 48 hours

(Full Disclosure: my personal belief.)

On the Day of the Doppleganger, any physical contact between doubles will result in a slow 48- hour death for the one whose world in which the encounter took place ie: this one.

That’s right certain death within 48 hours. “Certain,” that is unless… Unless what? Well that depends on the situation. But should you find yourself facing a 48-hours unless-death, you might want to spend the next 48 hours trying to figure that out.

On the bright side there usually IS one unless… 

Unless there isn’t.

3. Your Entire World Will End

We’re talking not just dead here. We’re talking erased from existence and all memory. So how does anyone even know about this happens? Just trust me. It’s a fact. And a nasty one at that.

4. You Go For Coffee With Someone Almost As Fascinating As You. 

Oh it sounds like a great outcome, I know. And if your doppleganger diary runs this way then lucky for you. But don’t blame me if it reads like mine….

...then he wouldn’t stop talking… and talking and talking, not even when I started pointing to my imaginary watch then signing up at FakeAngryGirlfriendTexts.com. Dude just loves to hear the sound of his own voice. I know, I know it IS a great voice….

So please Survivors, tomorrow more than ever, watch the spehelling on the site. And if you’re wondering WHY be sure and check out this helpy survival video on this timely topic here.

Groundhog Day Curse A Time Traveler Trick or Witches at Work?

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Heads up survivors it’s Groundhog Day, the groundhogs have come and gone it’s safe to come out and face the day without fear of being trapped in a terrible Groundhog Day Curse as in stuck forever in your most dreaded day!

Don’t Look at the G-hog!  A Time Traveler Trick or Witches At Work?

Like many who lead lives of alternating extreme boredom and terrifying chaos, I stay safe in my bed on Groundhog Day with the shutters drawn, until well after the G-hogs have had their day. When the Punxatawny Phil comes out, I go underground! For me, it’s the safest bet. I mean, think of your most boring day. Would you want to repeat this day again and again and again until you succeed in learning some valuable life lesson?

Even worse – think of MY most boring day. Doing night watch on a love struck vampire, who just stares at his GF all night long without moving. Or a day long interview with a dessicated old-school zombie and a translator. Or worst of all, waiting for a human to find correct change to tip me on a 12-inch garlic sausage pie. These are not days that I want to repeat even once, let alone over and over again and again.

But how to defend yourself against a deadly groundhog curse? Well first and most importantly, you need to determine what kind of curse is it?

There are two current schools of thought about the origin of the Groundhog Day Curse. Please read and decide for yourself.

Groundhog Day Curse Theory #1:

Some survivologists claim the Groundhog Day curse is the work of a witch, who either assumes groundhog form on this day or who has made a familiar of Punxsatawney Phil. Either way, the bewitched Groundhog picks one being in need of a life lesson and curses them with a single beam of light from his eyes to relive their most boring day until the victim can discern and pass a goodness test of the witch’s devising.

Certainly there is some evidence to support this position. Witches are famous for issuing lessons in this fun and fatal way. And while it’s not common for a witch to have a rodent familiar – it’s certainly not impossible. They tend to stick with small, furry beings.

But consider the other point of view…

Groundhog Day Curse Theory #2

Some researchers believe that Groundhogs are actually a super-advanced Time Travelling species. That G-hogs live in a network of burrows connected by worm holes, jumping back and forth through time at will, unobtrusively taking notes about the world. (Void Chipmunks anyone?) This would explain why they are so tired all the time. Time lag makes them grumpy. So when humans decided to start dragging them out for entertainment on this day, the grumpy groundhogs decided to have some fun of their own. Hence every groundhog in every town picks one human for time sport, sending them into a time loop to learn some important life lessons, primarily to be nicer to small time-travelling creatures.

What Does Groundhog Day Researcher Harold Ramis Say?

To answer this question definitively, we might turn to the survivological source, the writer/producer of that groundbreaking Groundhog Day 1993 documentary,  Mr. Harold Ramis himself.

Well you might, but you wouldn’t get an answer. Because if you asked Mr. Ramis, you would be sorely disappointed.  Mr. Ramis has publicly stated that he will never reveal the truth. That he deliberately made a decision to hide the true source of the curse. No matter how many times you watch and re-watch this film you will never see the truth about where the curse came from. Why Mr. Ramis? Is the truth too terrifying to tell?

Until Mr. Ramis corrects the record, we can only speculate about the true answer. Meanwhile, unless you lead a breathtakingly exciting and wonderful life 100% of the time, I would advise you, like me to burrow underground today until the Groundhog Curse has had its way with somebody else!

An SOS truer than true story in progress, as I also work on This Week In Survival...thanks for your patience…