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Christmas Day Santa Sightings Spot New High-Tech Sleigh

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What About The Reindeer?

Santa sightings from around the world flooding NORAD’s Santa hotline today all with the same news – Santa has upgraded to an ultra high-tech sleigh that appears to missing one very obvious feature – his trusty reindeer team. What happened to Rudolph and his crew?

Sketch of Santa's New Sleigh
Sketch of Santa’s New Sleigh

A sketch of Santa’s new sleigh based on millions of calls from around the globe show the jolly old saint has pimped his ride this year, upgrading to this hybrid rocket-powered rig made of polycarbonate, guided by GPS with parking sensors and a chimney cam.

According to some reports the sleigh even features bulletproof windows, a mistletoe air freshener and cupholders for hot chocolate.

But no Rudolph or his reindeer team. What gives?

With Santa himself unavailable for comment, SOS turned to the company who claims they were contracted by Santa to build his new sleigh.

Metals4U in Britain says Saint Nick contacted them in the fall to help repair his old wooden sleigh but it was broken beyond repair.

“We just felt like Santa needed a bit of an upgrade,” says company representative Michael Ward. “We wanted to bring him into the 21st Century. But if you look closely you can see that we did in fact include a hitch for his famous reindeer team. In fact, we even included a built-in nose wiper for Rudolph’s red nose.”

If you can see this alleged hitch or spot a so-called nose wiper in this drawing then your eyes are better than mine but one thing is Christmas clear, no reindeer reported to the hotline this year and everyone wants to know why.

SOS presents three theories for your consideration:

Theory #1

With rocket boosters on his rig and a GPS to guide him, Santa no longer needs the reindeer so he cut his team lose earlier this year.

Evidence: Reports out of Russia earlier this year spotted reindeer working with organized crime in Siberia where their hooves allow them to escape the police in high-speed chases over the frozen tundra. Has Rudolph turned to a life of crime?

Theory #2

The nose wipers, a dubious feature if ever there was one, never worked quite right and instead of keeping Rudolph’s nose so bright, smacked him in the face instead and now he’s recovering from a broken nose at the North Pole, working on his compensation claim of endless cookies and milk.

Evidence: “Well it’s true that we did not test the nose wipers on actual reindeer,” Michael Ward states.

Theory #3

Rudolph and his team are working undercover this Christmas helping the Russian police bust the same criminals using reindeer to get away from the authorities.

Evidence: According to The Guardian newspaper, police in Russia began recruiting reindeer to fight crime in the deep snow when their snowmobiles failed.

 “Of course we have snowmobiles but one should understand a machine is a machine. They tend to break down and run out of gas. Reindeer are perfectly suited for this environment,” states the Yamal-Nenets police. “We have been asking for a herd of them for years.”

Knowing that he could rely on rocket power this year, did Santa send his team to help out in Russia?

Got a reindeer report? Leave it in the comments below. Maybe together we can solve this supernatural mystery.

Star or Angel On Which Will You Wish?

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O Wishful Night

As the Geminids light up the night sky this week, you like me may be preparing your wish for what is arguably the wishfullest night of the wish calendar year –  December 24.

Will you wish on a star or an angel this Christmas Eve?
Get Your One Wish Ready

(And no I’m not talking about Santa Claus. Not after that nasty letter he sent me about our Krampusnacht coverage here on SOS. That guy is on my naughty list, let me tell you.)

No I’m writing about that most ancient secret of Christmas Eve, when survivors of yore would remember to tuck one wish for the coming year at the very top of the tree to see it come to light with the returning sun. That’s because a true tree wish given to your angel or star by midnight on Christmas has special powers.

If this is not among your supernatural seasonal survival tactics yet, read on and learn.

5 Tips To Make Your Tree Wish True

1. Prepare Your Tree

If you haven’t already set your seasonal tree using the SOS tried and true tips for dark season decorating, you need to get popping! As every survivor knows, your tree is the key to surviving the season with dark spirits.

I would advise you to follow the link above for a quick review but in case your finger is broken here’s the highlights – a true survivor’s tree needs to feed the spirits of the season. Altho some people go for garlands of gumballs and colorful suckers, as everyone knows I’m an advocate for more hale and hearty spirit munchies like popcorn and marshmallow strings, traditional Christmas baconsil and the occasional hanging apple or muffin. (Just don’t drape your bacon directly over the lights or things could get drippy and your spirits smelly. Smelly spirits are not nice.)

And whatever you choose, don’t skimp on the stuff. You need enough in your tree to keep the spirits up – high up – in the branches, not roaming hungrily around your home.

2. A Traditional Tree Topper

Now I’m not going to wade into the angel or star? debate.  In my book, either will work. The important factor for a true tree wish tradition is to ensure that whatever symbol you place at the top of your tree, it needs to have a hiding place inside it. That’s where the wishes go by midnight Christmas Eve, tucked inside the hidden hollow.

3. Prepare Your Wish

Trickier than it sounds. Unlike a wish fountain you can’t just toss in your lucky coin and look for a collecting leprechaun to (maybe!) honor the deal. But you also don’t need an entire wishing team like for falling stars, so that’s good news. But your wish does need to be written by hand,  by you, the wisher, on a scrap of paper or paper like substance, just big enough to fit in the handy hole in the base of your ornamental star or angel.

That’s the easy part. The hard part is choosing your wish. That’s right one wish and one wish only for the coming year. A true wish.  An important wish. Not the kind you entrust to Santa’s wish machine but the kind of wish that will help you and yours to survive and thrive in the year ahead.

So choose your wish carefully and write it down.

4. Wishing Deadline is Midnight

Wishes must be delivered to the top of the tree by midnight, Christmas Eve in your time zone. There is no known exception to this rule, short of hopping on a plane and travelling halfway around the world or backward in time.

So don’t wait, get your wish done early and on top of your tree well before the clock strikes midnight. You may need help getting it up there so make sure if you’re using a ladder that you have a reliable ladder holder. Falling off a ladder to place your wish can quickly cancel the positive effect of wishing  – not to mention the black cat threat from below which I won’t even go into today.

5. Look For The First Light

When you wake on Christmas morning, if you can tear your eyes away from the bounty beneath your tree – or the lumps of coal as the case may be – look for the first rays of the new sun to touch the top of your tree for a sign.

What will you see? What kind of sign, you ask?

Unfortunately that remains unknown. Some say your angel will stir and come to life long enough to hand off your wish to a messenger of the light. Others say the star will shine blindingly bright for a brief moment and send it up in a burst of stardust. Me, I’m not sure on account of my love of sleeping in late – which is also an important survival skill.

All I know for sure is this. In 364 days when you look back on the year that was and think about your true tree wish, you will find that it did indeed come through for you. Maybe not exactly the way that you thought it would, but close enough to be true.

SOS Red Alert Mistletoe Drone Attacks

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Missile-toe Drone Self Defense

By Baldur, just when you thought you had all your seasonal survival bases covered, from that tactically tacky sweater to ward off the dread Yule Cat to a traditional tasty tree to deal with supernaturally sad spirits, some saucy cyborg corp has to go and put the missile back into mistletoe.

Mistletoe Attack Alert
Mistletoe Attack Alert

Don’t be caught on the wrong end of this sticky payload. Prepare for attack from above.

What are you droning on about today, you ask? Exactly! I say. Drones. Drones armed with mistletoe that’s what. Survivors of a vicious mistletoe attack in San Francisco are sounding the alarm. A diner at TGI Fridays in San Francisco barely managed to escape with her face after a sneak attack by a drone like this one->>.

Like a “huge bug,” the drone attacked Georgine Benvenuto during dinner, sunk its hooks into her face and proceeded to try and reel her in.

SOS readers know well the true menace of mistletoe  The parasitic plant has been historically used as a deadly weapon by everyone from demigods to angry forest spirits, witches to cupids.

A now in cyborg warfare. Even your old mistletoe survival rules won’t help you this year. So let’s test a few new ones:

1. Jam The Signal

If you have a signal jammer app, make sure you have it handy. If you don’t have one yet, I would suggest downloading one before leaving the house for a bite. Or anything else.

Then be sure you have enough power to leave the app open and running throughout the entire meal or you may not like the dessert.

2. Wear a Hat

I’m not a fan of the tinfoil lid purely on the grounds of vanity but you could do worse when the mistletoe machine arrives at your table with its poison payload.

This year though I’m going for wool. Knit wool with metallic thread will provide more than just good insulation and prophylactic protection, I hope it will ensnare and short the hovering drone.

3. Keep Your Food Covered At All Times

I recommend ordering a takeaway container even if you plan to sit and eat. Then open the lid only wide enough to extract your next bite. This protects you and your food from any mistletoe fallout. Not to mention your fries from your girlfriend.

But seriously, you know what happens when mistletoe lands right? If not please review. You don’t want it to land on you.

4. Look for the Driver

Just who or what is driving that droid? If you can locate the force behind the attack all you have to do is take them down… then you can finish your dessert in peace.

Of course it’s one thing if the driver is some minimum wager with a joystick hired by TGI Fridays to stir things up, quite another to find yourself facing Amazon or Google. So whatever you do, don’t order ice cream.

5. Pre-emeptive Kiss

Now I know this is controversial. A lot of dangerous bacterial transfers can be attributed to this activity. You could end up a zombie or worse… dating you ex. Nonetheless it remains true that sharing a pre-emptive kiss with somebody close to you will abort a mistletoe attack.

So don’t wait for the drone at your dome, just pucker up and plant one on somebody close. Preferably somebody you like. Just make sure they aren’t chewing anything you don’t.

➥ And be sure to keep on keeping on with the latest survivor reports unfolding here on the pages of SOS.  You won’t be disappointed. For the sake of survival not to mention the first documented use of the word BALORFING alone, it’s worth it…

Supernatural Seasonal Gift Shopping? How About A Haunted Sword

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You still shopping for a perfect seasonal gift for that special supernatural someone in your life? Look no further than Craigslist where this bewitching grandma is looking to unload her haunted sword.

Grandma selling haunted sword from the 1700s.
Grandma selling haunted sword from the 1700s.

The sword auction creating a supernatural storm appeared on Craigslist last week. The grandmother in question states that she purchased the haunted sword from a suspicious antiques dealer in the southern U.S. back in 1984 and now wishes to part ways with it.

But bidders beware – the curse on this sword remains largely unexplained. The details of the auction ad, which you can find here, mention only vaguely that the owner’s life has, “descended into chaos,” since the sword’s arrival in her home.

The sword is reportedly scaring her knitting group and knocking crucifixes off her walls with alarming regularity.

“My knitting group came over and they all said they could feel a strange energy in my sword room,” she writes. “I cannot have this cursed item in my house anymore.”

That said, the current owner was well aware that she was buying a bewitched blade.

“The person who sold it to me told me to be careful because there is a 90+% chance that it is cursed,” she says.

But bidders beware. Even if you, like me, are always on the hunt for a sword of power, the true nature of the curse on this sword remains unknown.

Think about it. Should you really trust an old woman who meets with a so-called knitting group in a sword room? Who boasts owning over 100 swords? What kind of knitters are these anyway? I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess there are exactly 13 of them and they meet only on Fridays in the dead of the night…

“This is my only haunted sword,” the little old lady protests in her ad. But SOS readers who observe the net bag of garlic hanging beside her door will no doubt remain supernaturally suspicious.

Judging from the photo, the sword does not confer immortality – or at least not eternal youth, but could this woman be an immortal hunter? Specifically, the leader of a vampire-hunting coven?

With the darkest hours almost upon us again, the restless spirits of the season are ready to roam free. Even bidding on this sword could be hazardous to your health. And if you intend to wrap this up and put it beneath your tree, you’ll need more than a cheery yule log and a string of spirit popcorn to deal with the consequences on December 22. The dread Yule Cat will be the least of your worries.

Me, I think I’ll just keep looking beneath the birch trees for my immortal sword instead.

Alternately, you could check out another supernatural auction going on right here on the pages of SOS. Sword of Longinus anyone? 

Orlando Grinch Denies Grinchscaping Gig, Claims Kinship With Sasquatch

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The Case of the Grinchscaping Goons

Hang onto you holiday tree, the season of the Grinch is officially underway, with new reports of missing trees and mistletoe already but one unusually gregarious Grinch from Orlando is denying his guilt — only to point one long green finger at an unexpected suspect.

Sasquatches deny his claims.
Sasquatches deny Orlando Grinch’s claims.

SOS readers will recall how the grinchmas gang upped their game in 2013, going after holiday trees en masse with vans and trucks in place of sacks and sleighs, long before Christmas Eve.

After a lengthy police investigation resulted in no arrests of any Grinches, SOS aka: me, Seth of sethonsurvival, the seventh most popular and first most reliable supernatural survivologist on the Interwebs, has decided to take on the case in 2014 and save Christmas for all…

I’ve always wanted to save Christmas for all. Even for the majority of the globe who don’t officially celebrate it. Nay, especially for them. Because who knows when they might want to give it a try? And really how hard could it be?

All I had to do was track down one of the Grinches and interrogate him using my secret survivological interview techniques to elicit a confession.

With that in mind I headed to Orlando last week, home of one of the worlds most gregarious Grinches. Yes that’s right, the one who has turned turned his green infamy into green cash with his grinchy sideshow. Now locating this grinch and getting him to talk to me was the easy part but getting him to tell the truth? Not as easy, as you will see below.

Interrogation of A Grinch

Me: So you call yourself the Orlando Grinch…

O.G.: No no no. The Grinch. I call myself The Grinch. The one and only. You can call me Mr. The Grinch.

Me: Let me get this straight. You claim to have carried off the Great Grinchmas Tree Heist of 2013 all by yourself? Who drove and unloaded all the vans for you?

O.G.: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: I think you do Sir. The vans were clearly marked GLOBAL GRINCHSCAPING INC.

O.G. I am on record clearly stating that I do not, nor have I ever, engaged in grinchscaping. Have you listened to my interview on the topic?

Me: Oh yeah, I heard your puff piece of personal propaganda, but I’m not talking about your personal grooming habits Sir. I’m talking about the fact that you and your gang no longer have the gall to wait for Christmas Eve to start stealing the season. What happened to you Orlando, you all get too fat for the Chimblies? Or is this a new level of Grinchy greed?

O.G.: Are you calling me fat?

Me: Well yeah but more than that, I’m calling you greedy. You and all the other grinches going global with your operation.

O.G.: That’s absurd. As previously stated, there are no other grinches but me. I am the One True Grinch.

Me: Suit yourself. Then you’ll take the rap for the whole gang and spend the rest of your days in an Antarctic block of ice. This is your last chance to sing before this blog post gets ways too long and I take this recording to the police…

O.G.: Wait, wait. Maybe I do know something about the crime in question… but you’re talking to the wrong guy here.

Me: Is that so?

O.G.: Of course. You really think I would risk my Orlando operation for a small time tree reclamation project? Think about it. Who has the most to gain from taking back the trees before there’s even any presents underneath them?

Me: Why don’t you enlighten me.

O.G.: Think about it. You should be talking to one of my cousins.

Me: Your cousins?

O.G.: Sasquatch? Hello? You don’t think it bothers them, this whole tree business? Sure it doesn’t stop them chowing down on the roast beast like everybody else, but they’ve been griping about it for years. They rely on those trees you know, for landmarks and shelter , not to mention toothpicks. And we all know about their urban delivery service. See they already have the infrastructure.

Me: So you claim that sasquatches are framing the grinches? That’s absurd. Even if I accept that sasquatch is related to you, how long would it take for a Sasquatch to dye all of his fur green? By the time he got finished, he would have to start over.

O.G.: We’re done here. Talk to Sasquatch. I want my lawyer.

 

Cyborg Rescue Pets – Should You Adopt?

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 PROS AND CONS OF ADOPTING A CYBORG CHEETAH

As Cyber Monday brings annual reports on the global adoption of cyborg rescue animals, one cyborg pet rescuer urges you to stop and think before adopting one of the new cyborg cheetahs from your local cyborg pet shelter.

Cyborg Pet Rescue reports record numbers of cyborg cheetahs with broken limbs but before you offer to rescue one, read on…

Before adopting a cyborg cheetah
Should you adopt a cyborg cheetah?

 

“It used to be people came here for a cyborg puppy who wouldn’t shed on the couch and wound up taking home a Bigdog that ate the toaster before running away,” said Kevin Kim, Regional Director of Cyborg Pet Rescue. “Now everyone wants one of the new cyborg cheetahs from MIT, we have a lot more to worry about more than just cold bread and street dogs.”

After hearing about my ongoing Kaiju Pet Rescue campaign, Mr. Kim asked SOS to educate Cyber Monday survivors about the global adoption of cyborg pets in general and the new cyborg cheetahs in particular. And while I love cyborg pets as much the next survivor, after speaking to Kevin I had to agree. So without further ado:

Five Facts to Consider Before Adopting a Cyborg Cheetah

1. Cheetahs Hunt in Groups

Think you got just one metal kitty who won’t need a litter box? Think again. When you adopt a cyborg cheetah, you could be getting a whole pack. Male cheetahs prefer to live and hunt in packs.

Programmers at MIT claim to have accounted for this in their code but do you really want to risk a pack of wild cyborg cheetahs coming for your throat while you sleep?

2. Cheetahs Run Really Fast

Like up to 70 miles an hour fast when they are attacking their prey. Cheetahs are the world’s fastest animal. We’ve all seen that guy with the leash hanging out his car window but what’s he going to do now when little Cheetzie locks on a raccoon and decides to go grab a snack?

Before you tell me MIT programmers report that their cheetahs only do about 30 mph, ask yourself this –how fast can run? Unless you’re sprinter Usain Bolt you might want to go for that robot fish. Even if you’re Usain Bolt in fact, since the new robot cheetahs are technically faster than him.

3. Cheetahs Need A Lot of Open Space

Cheetahs evolved on the Savannah, crouching in the grass to hide from their prey so how is your new cyborg cheetah going to take to your living room? If you’re planning to just unplug his power and put him in the closet between runs think again. MIT is always investigating innovative power options, from solar power to motion and even methane so unless you and your family plan to stop farting in the future, powering down your cheetah may not be possible.

4. Cyborg Cheetahs Break Legs

The new cyborg cheetah legs are made of carbon fibre and foam that is reinforced with Kevlar but the MIT lab team reports dozens of them breaking.

Of course MIT says it’s no problem, that you can just use your 3-D printer to make a new leg for your cyborg cheetah.

“If that’s true, why is our suddenly so full of limping cybercats?” said Kevin King. “Either people don’t have the patience to properly program their printers or there’s something wrong with the recipe here.”

Clearly if you don’t have a reliable 3-D printer and/or the patience to deal with an injured cyborg cat moping around your home, once again, I recommend the robot fish.

5. Cyborg Cheetahs Are X-Box Hogs

The new MIT cyborg cheetahs are programmed for Xbox but disgruntled owners report that once you plug them in all they want to do is play Plants vs Zombies. So if you thought it was supernaturally sucky when Fluffy attacked your cables, imagine how much worse this big cat can do to your electronics. If you ever want to see your COD game again, let alone your basement, one last time, may I suggest the fish?

Notwithstanding everything I have truly reported 99,97%, feel free to make your own choice survivors. Whatever it takes for you to keep on keeping on out there.

Seth