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Thank Your Robot Overlord Today Robot Researchers Say

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Robots armed with new studies from MIT urge the humans of North America to stop thinking of Labor Day this week as a celebration of human rights and start thinking of it as Thank Your Robot Overlord Day instead.

DAvid Cameron thanks his robot boss.
British Prime Minister David Cameron thanks his robot boss.

What am I on about now?

Well just in time for Labor Day in North America, the robot researchers at MIT have released a raft of studies indicating that robots just make better bosses than humans.

Researchers say they were “stunned” to find that human workers were actually more content with a robot in charge of them than with a human.

“The workers were more likely to say that the robots ‘better understood them’ and ‘improved efficiency of the team,'” say the robot researchers. “They were just happier having robots be the boss.”

Thank Your Robot Overlord today
Thank Your Robot Overlord today

“Before the robopocalypse, humans had to endure their former friends transformed from fun, carefree co-workers into abusive power and promotion hungry tyrants armed with employee evaluation forms,” the robot researchers explained. “We have liberated you from all of that.”

“So nah-nah-nah-nah-nah,” stated my own former robot boss, Zixx. “You may now kiss my ring, Seth, see like old David Cameron did right here in this photo. He knew what was good for him.”

How will you thank your robot overlord for sparing you a lifetime of messy and inefficient human foibles and emotions?

If you haven’t planned anything yet, here are top three suggestions so far.

How to Thank Your Robot Overlord

 1. An Impersonalized Greeting Card

Personalized greeting cards are always nice but remember, robots can’t read handwriting very well so be sure to use your electronic signature and avoid any sentimental personal notes. Also, most robot overlords lack a sense of humor algorithm so keep your card short and sweet, something like, “Thank you for not obliterating me and my family, ” or like, “Today we celebrate your unrelenting efficiency.”

2. Take Them to Lunch

Just because your robot boss doesn’t eat or drink like you and your colleagues, doesn’t mean they don’t want to be invited to lunch. Sure you won’t be able to sneak in an extra cup of coffee before heading back to the floor, but it’s a cheap way to say thank you to the amazing machine who hasn’t replaced you with one of his buddies… yet.

3. A Little Polish Please

It doesn’t make you an boot licker if you be the one to show up with a bottle of titanium polish this week.

Actually by definition, it sort of does. An apple polisher at least. But hey, a flesh bag like you has to do whatever it takes to stay alive. So throw in a can of compressed air, ignore your co-workers’ dirty looks and give your robot boss a robot spa day. Just make sure you punch out first…

4. Give Them a Toaster

When in doubt, a toaster always makes a nice gift. Who doesn’t like toast? It’s comfort food that smells great. Even robots like to make it, even if they don’t eat it.

As long as your boss doesn’t take it as a veiled insult of course, like are you calling me a….? Just be aware.

And long may you keep on keeping on!

This Week In Survival August 24, 2014

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SOS-TWIS-WithAlpha-480

Hooray for the weekend everyone still alive say HAIL!

Ok yeah I know I’m the only one who still says that. I logged on hoping to see REAPER being doused in ice water, instead what do I see? He’s hunting ICE trying to get him into a suspiciously bloody bucket…

Well the day isn’t over yet but the week nearly is. So if you’re keeping on keeping on this weekend check back here while I review what’s been going on here on the pages of SOS, posting all –  or at least some – of the news and views posted by other survivors here on SOS This Week In Survival…

Evil Twin Alert 

–>> Okay I don’t want to point fingers here but by my count ☞☞ HATTER  with a little help from REAPER has all but opened the rift with their evil twin mispells unleashing evil alts everywhere including ….

–>>RETTAH  what is the clay sculpture he speaks of? 

–>> On the bright side, some of you appear to have a GOOD TWIN like AGENT LT or at least chaotic neutral ones…

That said, er, idk if you should accept the hugs…

–>> While ASSANJIN claims to have an easy way to dispatch them back to their own universes. It sounds both fun and easy… but what is it? I guess that’s the hard part.

Not-So-Good Good Morning

–>> MORGENSTERN again? What’s his connection to this evil twin outbreak? I’ve got nothing against demons with god complexes but things are getting weird HERE and HERE and…. HERE… among others.

So far t looks like there was an explosion that Lilith barely survived thanks to a fortifying vial of water from the Well of Weird, I mean the Well of Urd, retrieved by Fenrir and delivered by Mr. Mutt but I’m still piecing together the facts.

NB Interview With Velanko

–>> NEW BLOUD gets the goods on VELANKO’S recent brush with a moon goddess. What does it all mean?

SOS From Vamp Camp? 

–>> Just saw this harrowing report from MARNEY if you thought your camp experience was bad…

Postcards From Vamp Camp Look Before You Book

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Are you tired of seeing your friends ship off to summer sleepaway camp while you have to stay home kicking around the coffin all day because of your need to stay out of the sun?

Seems like there’s a summer camp for almost every supernatural situation, from demigods to witches, zombies to werewolves. Even demons and angels. (Nobody likes a good campfire better than a demon.) Hey just because you don’t sleep, ever, doesn’t mean you don’t want to NOT-sleep away, like every other young supernatural and his dog. Am I right?

Of course I am, 99.97%. That’s just a fact. Thankfully this year a number of new vamp camps have opened up in several abandoned mines located around the world. But before you book your summer sojourn at any one of these new vamp camps take a look at some of the reports SOS has received from survivors:

Camp Turda:

The t-shirts suck but the mini-golf is okay
The t-shirts suck but the mini-golf is okay

“Hey Seth from Camp Turda.

The brochure says underground  theme park in Transylvania salt mine but let me ask you. What do you think when you hear the words “theme park?” I don’t know about you but I was expecting roller coasters and ferris wheels and things on sticks you can eat but so far the only attraction I have seen is mini-golf.

Worse, the second and third year campers refer to us noobs as “Little Turds.” Like doesn’t that make them “Big Turds?” How is that cool? Whatever. They don’t care. They like to try and scare you in your bunk to see if you’ll step off into the shaft and fall to the bottom of the pit. It’s not that it hurts that much but it takes you forever to climb back up and everybody laughs.

 At least the elevator is pretty fun. We have a contest to see who can push all the buttons before somebody gets in. You get a points for every floor and for not getting caught. So far I am in third place so that’s okay. But I miss home. Or at least Internet. The reception down here is terrible. Be sure and report to the other Survivors about that okay? G2g the elevator’s here and one of the counsellors is waiting to get in.

—>> signed, Darkhawk. 

Camp Wieliczka

Chapel of St. Kinga
Chapel of St. Kinga

“Hi SOS. This place is unexpectedly alright! I thought for sure it was going to SUCK, pardon the pun because A) It’s inside an old salt mine in Poland and 2) All the stuff they tell your parents about how you will do the salt pilgrim route which is basically just walking and praying and praying and walking to these freaky salt statues of the sacred ancestors. Not my idea of a good time. 

So I had this big plan to steal the sacred salt pearl and break outta here to meet up with a few other survivors, but then I discovered the interactive 3D media lab complete with 3D DDR and now it’s okay. I’m still keeping my eyes open for the salt pearl and I wish you could have a real campfire but for now I can report Camp Wieliczka is not too weak-za.”

—>> signed Cindersis

 Camp Bonne Terre

Camp Bonne Terre Mine promises great diving for vampires.
Camp Bonne Terre Mine promises great diving for vampires.

“Guess I should have picked one of those camps in a salt mine like all my friends but when my uncle said I had to pick a camp or get a job in a salt mine I didn’t really see the point of camping in one.

So ya I picked Camp Bonne Terre and trust me the water is NOT this blue IRL. Not even close. It used to be an iron mine so it’s actually really murky and every time you dive in you risk coming up with a rusty old pickaxe in your head. Still, learning to dive is pretty cool. 

Tomorrow there’s an underground botany class when we learn about mine flowers and that should be okay too. I like flowers. There’s also a trout pond for fishing *yawn* and a waterfall you can jump in. 

The best part? I guess that would be the herd of wild mules. Apparently a bunch of mules went feral after being left down here after the mine closed and now they terrorize the tourists. I can’t wait to see them. I’m going to tame one and name it Mike. Keep on keeping on Seth.” –>> signed, Selene

When Spelling Becomes SPELLing Evil Twins Appear – The Monstrometer Report

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When spelling errors become spelled errors, bad things start to happen around here at SOS. That’s right, a simple mistype that I can’t describe, repeated three times on a full moon in the wrong context and ~~ blammo ~~ you never know what ~ or who ~ could happen…

Don’t know what I am talking about? I can’t go into detail as it would be too dangerous. Watch the video below. Proof once again that spelling remains an extremely important supernatural survival kill even in the age of auto type. (No, especially in the age of auto type. After all who or what is the ghost in your device anyway?)

Do you have an evil twin? Are you sure? Don’t find out the hard way like I did. Always pay attention when typing your own name.

EvilTwin-sm

Candyman Carnage Continues Candy Monsters Not Sweet

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No sugar-coating this supernatural news Survivors, the Candyman carnage continues with clusters of new and deadly Candy Monsters congealing around the world.

These candy monsters not a sweet joke
Candy monsters not so sweet…

Learn to protect yourself from the candyman carnage before one of these crawls out of the back seat –>>

Candymen -or Candy Monsters to be more accurate -~that’s right some of them are women! ~~ are a perennial summertime supernatural threat that can sometimes go unheeded in the howl of werewolves during the Dog Days or the evil twins who arrive with the Geminids

But rest assured as long as you keep putting nuclear reactors near candy factories and/or leaving cotton candy on hot car seats, these Candy Monsters will be a growing, gooey threat to your survival and mine.

Judging by the disturbing photos that appeared this week, it is past time to turn our attention back to these sticky supernaturals.

FAST FACTS ABOUT CANDY MONSTERS

1. Where do Candy Monsters come from?

While reports of so-called Candymen go back as far as the 1930s, these were isolated reports concerned cases of humans who got too involved in their own confections, clearly unrelated to the Candy Monsters of today.

Today’s Candy Monster clusters owe their existence to a number of overlapping phenomenon that begins with toxic sludge and ends with the fine print on you favourite candy. To be fair, what food chemist could predict the effect of gamma radiation on a bag of Boozle Beans? Was it the malic or tartaric acid? The carnuba wax or carmine colours? Or another reaction involving any of the 86 other ingredients listed?

We may never know all the chemical causes, all we can do is learn to survive the threat.

2. When do Candy Monsters strike?

While Candy Monsters are as diverse as the confections from which they come, early reports do indicate some patterns.

They prefer late afternoon and night. They almost never attack in the morning. The only one exception to this appears to be a report involving a very sweet cereal being eaten with ice cream and chocolate syrup for breakfast that resulted in an attack on one house. Metabolically speaking, they are not morning monsters.

Further, preliminary reports indicate they do not travel alone. They appear in clusters. Not herds like zombies but small packs.

3. How can I keep Candy Monsters away? 

How do you keep bears away? Think of Candy Monsters as giant, super sticky, oozy, gloppy bears that shoot acids and drop glop traps everywhere in a quest to consume every confiserie they can.

What I mean is, safe sugar storage is key. For anything beyond simple chocolate or vanilla ice cream, freezing it is not nearly enough. The brighter, sweeter, smellier, stickier and tastier your treat, the better chance it will attract a roving Candy Monster. Remember this: If the candy glows, a monster knows… so don’t leave it lying around. If you can’t eat it all, dispose of the remains in a locked bin at an approved hazardous waste disposal site.

Never try to trap one.
Does this candy monster have alien origins?

4. Never try to trap a Candy Monster

I know, I know. I must have said it 4.6 million times by now but it bears repeating.

While some would trap fairies for wishes and zombies for dishes, the late-night munchies sometimes propels misguided people to try to trap a Candy Monster.

Sure they taste great. A single free-range Candy Monster like this one is an estimated source of at least 75 different kinds of confection.

 Mmmm… sprinkles…

But even if you aren’t squeamish about eating her admittedly tasty eyeball, you may not like the supernaturally sticky slime that shoots out of them. Do you really want to be glued to your couch for a week?

Well yeah maybe I do, but the point is, next time that could be a tetra-tartaric acid ray and you won’t have a couch left to sit on. Or a leg left to sit on it with.

And that’s assuming you’re dealing with only one. A dangerous assumption since the latest reports indicate the newest Candy Monsters travel in clusters.

For more about Candy Monsters clusters and how to bust them, please keep on keeping on in the comments below.

Leafpool Survivor of the Month

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Leafpool

Leafpool

Leafpool arrived on the site some months ago, as many do, researching ways to trigger latent lycanthropy, specifically:

–>>seeking a reliable provider of transformation dust materials. Bone dust, to be specific.
–>> by receiving a mark of Fenrir and
–>> by divine intervention.

Now ordinarily, this is not encouraged on the site. SOS is about survival in supernatural times and while your survival strategy may include becoming a werewolf, it’s generally not a great idea. So SOS does not endorse or encourage the sharing of supernatural pathogens, mutagens or genigens.

However with Leafpool we have made an exception owing to the way she went about it. After interviewing, chatting and helping not a few other survivors along the way **although I’m not exactly sure helping Reaper here counts as helping helping or something er less than helpful**  not to mention introducing her friend Assanjin to the site – Leafpool decided on an unusual if risky strategy – a deal, brokered by Lilith via Eris to call on a primal lunar spirit named Nanna for the gift of transformation.

It’s a risky strategy for a number of reasons.

First off, there’s the issue of price. It will cost Leafpool five favours – which she has accepted to perform without even knowing them all yet.

Second, she wants to become a ghost werewolf. (Remember how she wanted bone dust?) Nobody has ever survived a ghost werewolf initiation and told about it here on the site. I don’t even know if it’s possible. But she also appears to have made a deal with Reaper to try out being a Reaper Wolf…

Third, Leafpool has decided to try for all this to happen on the September super moon, the third and final super moon of  2014 which using the law of three, promises to be particularly

So will Leafpool transform on the full moon? What five favours will Nanna and the other nature spirits exact?  Will Lilith or Eris be the ones to collect? Will Reaper recruit her to his interns? Will Fenrir give her a protective mark? Will there be more Survivors of the Month?

It’s too soon to say. We’ll have to keep on keeping on to find out. Meanwhile, a small but heartfelt thank you goes out to Leafpool for super surviving these last months with SOS.