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How Not to Dispose of a Possessed Doll

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A deluge of possessed dolls around the world this week serves a sobering reminder to survivors everywhere about the dangers of demonic doll disposal.

If you or anyone you know is dealing with a possessed plaything, please read on!

Possessed Doll in Singapore disposed of at the base of a tree
Possessed Doll in Singapore disposed of at the base of a tree

First, in Singapore, a possessed doll was disposed of by the side of a busy road with a scarf over its eyes that reads, “in the name of God.”

Why? The owner hoped to dump the doll on a passing patsy who would presumably pick it up, remove the scarf, and look into its creepy eyes long enough to become the doll’s next possessee, thereby liberating the first owner from its infernal curse.

Instead the doll remains there, terrorizing the neighbourhood with strange voices and unexpected movements.

Now in California, another demonic doll this week, was found beheaded, wrapped in a cloth, placed in a clay pot and buried along with a number of machetes and what may be a human skull. The doll was dug up by a curious Husky named Skye who and his unsuspecting owner Aaron.

Demonic doll head dug up in California.
Demonic doll head dug up in California.

This kind of irresponsible demon doll disposal is one of my pet peeves. Yes we all know that recycling is a good thing, except when it comes to possessed playthings. Then it is just called passing the possessed peso.

If you or anyone you know has a demonized doll dilemma, let me repeat this here again for the millionth time, YOU CAN’T JUST DUMP IT. Not even with a million machetes or even a creepy religious blindfold. Possessed items must be properly repossessed by an certified infernal repo service provider or IRSP. Many communities have a code red-box possessed item pick up service so call your city hall today to find out if yours is one of them. It’s often as easy as sealing the doll in the red bin they provide and placing it at a designated portal.

And if your community doesn’t have a portal pick up service, there are a number of providers here on SOS. I urge you to contact one of them below. Your survival is virtually guaranteed.*

*99.98% guaranteed except under exceptional circumstances.

This Week In Survival, June 29, 2014

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From the land of electric fish and barbecue powered moonlight towers that beckon the supernatural from near and far, This Week In Survival is back.

Austin_Moontower_at_Night Thanks to everyone who survived with SOS. Let’s take a look back through the week that was and see what went down on the pages…

Reaper’s New Ride

–>>Look who put his pale horse out to pasture. REAPER vows to pick up Hitchbot but what will be the effect of plugging him into his infernal ride?

Graham Have You Checked the Mod Filter Lately?

–>>Cuz it seems a little sentient tonight… not to mention poetic. This is never good…

Chaotica Conference Convened

–>> On the solstice. Follow the link to register with CHAOS ALPHA or at just read the proceedings.

Morgenstern Alert

–>> He seems to be mainly stalking trapped SoTM RB but claims to be a friend of ICE. His end game remains unclear although LILITH, is trying to determine it. Until we know more survivors are advised to remain on alert.

What’s Wrong With a Wand Anyway?

–>> VELANKO found one but he doesn’t seem happy about using it. What else would you do you do when you find a wand?

Anyone Call a Doctor?

–>> He calls himself DR. WOLF and he appears to make site calls…

Hippy Hitchbot Hopes to Thumb His Way Into Human Hearts

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Coming soon to a highway near you, a free-spirited robot named Hitch announced his plan today to travel across the continent the old-fashioned way, by hitching rides with humans.

Coming soon to a highway near you...
Coming soon to a highway near you…

Hitchy the hippy robot has announced his plan to cross the continent this summer from East to West, documenting stories of human generosity here on his website beginning in Port Credit Ontario with high hopes of ending up on the West coast by the end of summer.

“I love meeting people and hearing stories,” he writes. “If you see me on the side of the road, pick me up and help me make my way across the country.”

Hitchy hopes his hitchhiking holiday will provide a friendly antidote to killer robot tales currently terrifying the world, while learning a few new desert recipes along the way.

But will it work? At least one garden gnome is already giving Hitchy the thumb’s down.

“This copybot is just another gnome-wannabe,” stated Gnome Severson. “Who wants to hang with a hitchbot who looks like that? He’ll never party with Paris Hilton like I did, I’ll tell you that much. He’ll never be People’s Gnome of the Year. He can’t even wash your windshield because his hands are permanently frozen inside those goofy green gloves!”

In his own defense, Hitchbot admits that while he can’t clean your car, he can promise endless games of trivia and a music mix that includes Kraftwerk and Styx.

GnomeSeverson“Yeah yeah, who cares,” said Gnome Severson sounding more than a little jealous. “If there’s anything I learned from Watson it’s that humans hate being beat by robots in their own games. Me, I look great and I can dance. My prediction? Hitchbot will be a rusty tin can on the side of the road within weeks.

If you want to prove Gnome Severson wrong this summer, keep your eyes open for Hitchy.

If it works for Hitchy, I might invest in a pair of green gloves down here in Austin Texas. It seems like a great way to save on airfare…

The Biting Game Is Luis Suarez a Cannibal, Zombie, Vampire or a Werewolf?

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Supernaturally suspicious minds this week want to know, is soccer superstar and serial footballer biter Luis Suarez a vampire, cannibal, werewolf or some kind of high-functioning zombie?

Why does Luis Suarez bite once a year?
Why does Luis Suarez bite once a year?

As you likely already know, Uroguay’s striker Suarez chomped on Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini during Tuesday night’s game making this the third suspicious biting incident for that player in as many years.

The incident on Tuesday helped Uroguay to win the game 1-0 and also quietly made a lot of cash for a few supernaturally smart gamblers who bet that it would happen.

And now for the debate. Previously branded a vampire and a cannibal by many in the media, including SOTM Agent RB, SOS readers may recall that I diagnosed him as a werewolf here on the site last year.

But this time many sports psychologists are leaning toward a new diagnosis – a kind of high-functioning zombie.  Let’s take a bite at the theories:

Theory #1: Suarez is a cannibal

Dubbed the ‘Cannibal of Ajax’ by the media after the first time he bit another player in the Netherlands in 2010 this initial diagnosis seemed highly probable to the world. He was after all playing for the Dutch at the time, a country almost as famous for its high profile cannibals as for its tulips.

On top of that, readers of SOS may recall 2010 as the year of the great global cannibal capsule confederacy when performance enhancing supplements containing human body parts were being exported from Asia to athletes and health-conscious cannibals around the world.

Proponents of this theory point out that Suarez tends to bite later in the game ie: after the 70 minute mark when hunger overcomes him and also that he tends to bite on the meaty drumsticks of his victims.

Detractors of this theory however point out that Suarez does not seem to chew and or swallow the most reliable indicator of cannibalism.

Was Suarez on the cannibal cookies? Possibly put on one of these supplements by a Dutch trainer?

 

Some say he's a vampire
Some say he’s a vampire

Theory #2: Suarez is a vampire

When Suarez bit Serbian footballer Branislav Ivanovic, the media had a new diagnosiss – vampire. The logic here is simple. It was a night game on a new moon and the Serbian player Suarez bit is related to one of the most famous real vampires in the modern world, the homeless vampire, Sava Savanovic who held the whole country captive after his home collapsed. If Suarez was not in fact a vampire before biting Ivanovic, he certainly would be afterward – or so the logic goes.

Theory #3: Suarez is a werewolf

Yes, this was my theory and it really never caught on even after I did such a supernaturally good job photoshopping that image of Suarez howling at the moon. My reasoning here was simple. Suarez has a known anger management issue and after biting Ivanovic in 2013, he limped off the field in dramatic fashion, exactly like a werewolf fighting off an unexpected transformation.

Critics of my theory claimed Suarez was faking an injury to detract from his deed and that no smart werewolf would bite another player and then leave him alive. I could never really argue with the last point  – although I tried hard enough with extensive research into lycan marking behaviours. But this much remains true,  nobody really knows to this day how Ivanovic spent the next full moon before going on to play the best year of his career after Suarez bit him.

Theory #4: Suarez is a high functioning zombie

This newest theory brought to you by sports psychologists follows the latest incident in Brazil and answers one question on everyone’s mind. With the whole world already onto him supernaturally speaking, why can’t Suarez just keep his teeth to himself?

It’s all in the brain stem, they argue. ZSE highjacks the brain and cuts Suarez off from his higher functioning. He can’t control himself because he has no access to his higher brain anymore. So how do they explain Suarez’s lightning fast reflexes and famous trash-talking face? Well, that’s the high functioning part, they argue.

Those are the the theories, Survivors. Everything you need to make up your own mind. Many thanks to Agent R.B. for bringing the story to my attention and to everyone else who has kept on keeping on this week while SOS HQ moved to its new secret location. Look for This Week In Survival to return again on Saturday.

 

Jammer Coats for Alien Season Faraday Fashion For All

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Alien season always brings a full contingent of confused cosmic visitors normally recognizable by their baffling bodily needs and bizarre facial tics, despite their strange disguises but this year singularity conscious designers around the globe picking up their packing needs are putting out Faraday fashions that will make it harder than ever to tell who’s who at the alien zoo.

Jammer coats like this enable you to evade electronic detection and hide any extra tentacles you have.
Jammer Coat helps you evade electronic detection and hide any extra tentacles or sausage samples.

A Faraday cage or shield as you and Wikipedia both know is an enclosure formed by a charged conductive mesh that shields the interior from external electromagnetic radiation ie: shields you from remote detection. This is the main reason I only take calls in my refrigerator or my microwave, depending on the season. And possibly why I don’t get many calls anymore…

But I digress. The point is, that this year it’s easier than ever to hide your electronic footprint, not to mention your extra tentacles, with canny designers who are cashing in on the universal need for singularity security with Faraday fashions, with so-called Jammer Coats like this one.

The CHBL Jammer Coat is a fluffy Faraday moo-moo with hidden pockets for all your devices and extra appendages designed to make you disappear from the grid. The piece is made from metallised fabric that blocks radio waves and shields the wearer against tracking devices.

(Of course it can do nothing about the blank expressionless stare of a face that fits too tight owing to a bad skin job like this one. But I digress again.)

In a pinch the Jammer Coat also serves as a decent sleeping bag, perfect for anyone, human or alien, on the run. And that’s my main problem with the Jammer Coat.

 

Alien disguises used to be easier to ahem, spot...
Alien disguises used to be easier to ahem, spot…

It used to be relatively easy to spot the aliens among us. You just looked for the pale floating humanoid with the gold go-go boots. Or else the one with the house on her head.

But now when any poorly packed alien can just pick up a Jammer Coat at their local Costco, how will we ever know who’s packing a Tesla cannon or hoarding all the sausage samples?

The answer is that we won’t. The coats are also allegedly smell-proof.

That said, of course I intend to invest in one asap. After all, a Jammer Coat would be the perfect excuse for not answering calls or emails. It’s not me Naya, it’s the coat…

That last part was a joke. Mostly. Feel free to not call me maybe whenever you don’t even feel like it Naya…

And long may you keep on keeping on.

Agent RB Survivor of the Month, June 2014

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SOS Survivor of the Month

AgentRB

Agent RB

Nobody could be more surprised than me that Agent RB would win Survivor of the Month. After all, when he first came to SOS in 2013, it was with a summons from the underworld for yours truly. I was to stand trail for charges of assisting in the survival of condemned souls and it took the expensive efforts of an entire team of demon lawyers working alongside many other survivors on the site to beat those first charges.

But in the intervening months, RB proved himself to be fair and impartial, if not enthusiastically pro-survival. Sure he may still be compiling 1000 page dossiers on each and every survivor who stops by the site. And yeah, he is still not above collecting on unpaid infernal debts. But he has also proven to be a valuable source of information and not to mention a great defender of Wisconsonites – and he did manage to negotiate one more year for me here in the over world, for which I am grateful. When does that expire again? I better check…

RB is still not keen on most mortals, especially not mortal humans, but in the event of another great flood, you may be able to count on him for a ticket to his Ark. Providing he can remember where he parked it. And of course, you can’t guarantee he won’t be the cause of that flood especially if he has a migraine but hey, who doesn’t like a bit of rain?

Still over the many months that he has been contributing to the SOS database, RB has undergone many changes in his life. Some good, some not so good. I will try in this profile to lay those out for you now FYI so you will understand the complexity of the survivor you’re dealing with now…

The SOS Saga of Agent RB

–>> As mentioned, RB began as a straight shooting police officer of the underworld, shade class 5th in command. A stickler for paperwork and protocol, you could count on RB for a fair trail, if not to turn a blind eye. He worked hard to remain neutral or as he puts it, unfavored by both the under and over worlds. If you had loose ends or unpaid debts in the underworld, his job at the time was to find you and get you to trial. A job which to his credit, he always executed in a fair and impartial way, with great deference to the correct rules and procedures.

–>>But this job wasn’t his exactly his choice. It was in fact a life sentence. A punishment for something he had done during his mortal life. What did he do exactly? Well it appears that RB had been a sorcerer of with great elemental power who played a particularly cruel game on the world once, deploying a massive flood that became a part of history. In honour of this event he called himself Noah of Ark, which explains why he sometimes signs his posts as Noah and performs grim readings for children who survive great floods.

–>>Having successfully completed his mission here on SOS earned RB a chance at a dubious promotion. He could be released from his job, defeating a Shinigami  named Rizoriregoon in armed combat. While at first it appeared that RB succeeded, it soon became clear that his opponent had in fact joined him in a most unusual way as a result of the fight.

(Although on the bright side, he became along with Reaper, a founding member of the Society of Grim Reapers.)

–>> This change wasn’t all bad though. He became a big defender of the state of Wisconsin. Possibly it was the cheese or the fact that he claims this state holds the biggest reaper stronghold in the mortal world but he successfully defended it from the wrath of Azreal on at least two occasions. And after a chance encounter with a Cupid he acquired a family of supernatural inlaws who continue to haunt him…

–>>After that, things got weirder when the Singularity got to RB. In a freak electrical storm brought on by March madness, his personae became fused with his cat and RB has never quite been the same. Although it does appear to have softened his link to the Underworld, Among other strangenesses still under research…

Understand though, even the SOTM prize can’t guarantee RB ‘s sanity. He is still way too prone to long posts in dead languages and binary. And he still appears to be missing his spirit and too unwilling to let anyone help him regain it. And he still has a burning hole where his heart once beat for the Reapers who have spent too long in the Overworld, in his opinion those who have may have gone a little soft on us mortals. And The Reaper in particular. But in general, you can rely on RB to let you know where you stand with a flurry of flaming paperwork and for that alone, he is a worthy recipient of the cursed SOTM prize.

I won’t say he make us all safer, but he has become a valuable longstanding contributer to the supernatural knowledge here at SOS.

Long may you keep on keeping on, RB.

Seth