Starbucks is fighting a supernatural situation this week serving up apologies and holy water to ward off a foamy supernatural symbol scandal fomented by a devilish barista. Don’t be caught in the CROSS-fire, read on.
The rumours began when Catholic coffee lover Megan Pinion from Louisiana, USA found these supernatural symbols in her coffee foam and grew with shocking revelations from customers around the world that the company has been serving up holy water charged with shocking powers.
“We have reached out to Megan on social media to apologize,” stated Starbucks when the supernatural symbol story broke. “We would also like to apologize to the witch and the demon who likely received crosses by mistake and urge everybody who receives any unwanted supernatural symbols in their coffee to turn them upside down before drinking.”
While the identity of the demonized barista has not been revealed, the story has fuelled speculation that Starbucks has been secretly slinging a supernatural situation with coffee foam and holy water.
Holy water? That’s right. Some time before Megan Pinion found her foam hexed with a pentagram and the number of the beast, Starbucks survivor Greg Allbright discovered that every plain glass of water you order at Starbucks (no ice, no straw) delivers a series of holy shocks.
Allbright first noticed the situation drinking Starbucks special triple-filtered water during a supernaturally boring business meeting at his local coffee shop when the liquid delivered a series of strong zaps to his face and lips. After he started blogging about it, customers from around the world came forward to reveal the same shocking situation happening to them and/or people they know.
While Allbright suspects a simple electrical charge may be responsible, SOS immediately identified a clear link between the two shocking stories. I personally sent a sample of this special triple-filtered shock water to an official online holy water provider for assessment. The result came back 99.98% positive for the presence of blessed holy ions, making it official – Starbucks is now serving holy water with a powerful charge.
As Starbucks has yet to comment on the supernatural situation evolving within its stores or divulge the nature of its secret holy triple-filtering system – father, son and holy ghost anyone? – Survivors of every persuasion are advised to check both foam and water before drinking and to turn all cups three times (counterclockwise) for good measure. It’s not clear yet what effect drinking an unwanted supernatural symbol will have on a drinker but the holy water taken alone delivers a series of zaps to your face and lips, roughly the equivalent of a nine-volt battery. While not necessarily a bad sign – indeed this is likely a sign the holy water is working – the effect can be shocking or even dangerous to the wrong being and likely indicates that you are or somebody you know is part vampire or demon.
And nobody – including me at this point – knows yet what will happen if you drink a 666 latte simultaneous with a grande glass of holy water or alternate sips of each, so take heed! You could find a holy war – or worse – in your belly.
That said, Starbucks triple-filtered water is a generous offer for anyone who needs to stock up on holy water. It’s a holy charge the company offers free of charge to customers. Just make sure to ask for it without ice and use it without the straw for best results.