Do you know the policy of your local pool on the matter of mermaid admission? If not, it’s high time you check it out! Florida mermaid Eden Sirene is making waves around the world this week because of being banned from her local pool, drawing attention to the lack of meaningful mermaid regulation in pools everywhere.
Ms. Sirene’s hometown pool in Fishawke, Florida has introduced a strict no-fins policy this week, raising the ire of the dangerous Free Florida Mermaids or FFM.
Do you know what an angry mermaid becomes? That’s right, a siren. In this case, an angry siren with the last name Sirene! Will an angry Ms Sirene be coming to a pool near you?
I, like you, actually called my local swimming hole yesterday as soon as I heard the news, only to discover to my shock and horror that not only is there no NO-FINS policy at my local pool but there isn’t even an official mermonster evacuation protocol in place.
According to pool manager Mr. Glen Molina, they don’t currently have a mermaid problem at their pool ~riiiight~ so, “the matter just hasn’t come up.” YET, Mr. Molina. The matter hasn’t come up yet. Of course if you wait for the matter to come up from the murky depths of that filter, it may already be too late. You will have already subjected unwitting bathers to the presence of an angry mermaid turned siren or worse, a mermonster.
That said, it must be acknowledged, even by me, that swimming with a mermaid or even an angry siren is not the same as say, being swallowed whole by a mermonster like I in fact was not two weeks ago. In fact, a number of humans pay good money for the thrill of this, or so I am told. So, should you by accident or design find yourself swimming with a mermaid or angry siren, at least be armed with the following tips:
Safe Swimming With Mermaids
- Wear earplugs, at all times. When that siren song comes shrieking out on the waves, you don’t want to end up writhing in agony on the shoals of your local pool.
- Wear goggles at all times, even when you’re not underwater. That way she can’t tell where you’re looking. An angry mermaid will not appreciate being stared at and you don’t want to see all the creative things she can do with her bling, trust me. We’re talking secret ultrasonic weaponry here.
- Stay out of her way. Do not try to pull her tail. That pretty blue tail moves with incredible force and could launch you to places you don’t want to go. Like the public change rooms.
- Got fish on your bathing attire? Watch out. What do you think they eat? I assure you their underwater vision is not as good as you might hope. Time to invest in a new bathing suit.
- Do not challenge her to a race. You will lose. Or a diving contest. You may win that one but you won’t win the water battle that follows, in which she drags you down to the bottom of the pool and doesn’t let go.
Heed these rules and keep your community mermaid safe.
(If you’re a mermaid, please stand by for summer safety tips to avoid the mudification that may arise from being banned from your local pool and forced into the forest.)