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Angry Mermaids Coming Soon to a Pool Near You Be Prepared

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Do you know the policy of your local pool on the matter of mermaid admission? If not, it’s high time you check it out! Florida mermaid Eden Sirene is making waves around the world this week because of being banned from her local pool, drawing attention to the lack of meaningful mermaid regulation in pools everywhere.

Pool initiates no-fins policy, denies her entry
Pool initiates no-fins policy, leaves Eden Sirene high and dry.

Ms. Sirene’s hometown pool in Fishawke, Florida has introduced a strict no-fins policy this week, raising the ire of the dangerous Free Florida Mermaids or FFM.

Do you know what an angry mermaid becomes? That’s right, a siren. In this case, an angry siren with the last name Sirene! Will an angry Ms Sirene be coming to a pool near you?

I, like you, actually called my local swimming hole yesterday as soon as I heard the news, only to discover to my shock and horror that not only is there no NO-FINS policy at my local pool but there isn’t even an official mermonster evacuation protocol in place.

According to pool manager Mr. Glen Molina, they don’t currently have a mermaid problem at their pool ~riiiight~ so, “the matter just hasn’t come up.” YET, Mr. Molina. The matter hasn’t come up yet. Of course if you wait for the matter to come up from the murky depths of that filter, it may already be too late. You will have already subjected unwitting bathers to the presence of an angry mermaid turned siren or worse, a mermonster.

That said, it must be acknowledged, even by me, that swimming with a mermaid or even an angry siren is not the same as say, being swallowed whole by a mermonster like I in fact was not two weeks ago. In fact, a number of humans pay good money for the thrill of this, or so I am told. So, should you by accident or design find yourself swimming with a mermaid or angry siren, at least be armed with the following tips:

Safe Swimming With Mermaids
  • Wear earplugs, at all times. When that siren song comes shrieking out on the waves, you don’t want to end up writhing in agony on the shoals of your local pool.
  • Wear goggles at all times, even when you’re not underwater. That way she can’t tell where you’re looking. An angry mermaid will not appreciate being stared at and you don’t want to see all the creative things she can do with her bling, trust me. We’re talking secret ultrasonic weaponry here.
  •  Stay out of her way. Do not try to pull her tail. That pretty blue tail moves with incredible force and could launch you to places you don’t want to go. Like the public change rooms.
  • Got fish on your bathing attire? Watch out. What do you think they eat? I assure you their underwater vision is not as good as you might hope. Time to invest in a new bathing suit.
  • Do not challenge her to a race. You will lose. Or a diving contest. You may win that one but you won’t win the water battle that follows, in which she drags you down to the bottom of the pool and doesn’t let go.

Heed these rules and keep your community mermaid safe.

(If you’re a mermaid, please stand by for summer safety tips to avoid the mudification that may arise from being banned from your local pool and forced into the forest.)

This Week In Survival – July 13, 2013

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If Dog Day number eight is great, join us here to celebrate your ongoing survival on this perilous planet. Who survived a Sharknado this week? And who’s now made of mud?

Another Supernatural Week Of Survival!
Another Supernatural Week Of Survival

I don’t know yet but we will soon enough as I begin looking through the week that was to find out who’s still surviving and who not and everything in between. So check back here throughout the weekend for some links and short summaries, in no particular order. Please use the links to weigh in and help out wherever your expertise or opinions most apply.

Meanwhile, a big thanks to everyone who contributed to SOS this week. Without you there would be no Survival. Ask any Hall of Famer. Ask Alex. He’ll tell you it’s true.

–> Nice report here and several questions for werewolves from mysterious possible werewolf, WW? 

–> Hmmm how to answer this question from DOUBLE H  …?

–> ASHPAW checks in with some advice for bitten werewolves @tyvm and an enigmatic update. Where is she exactly? Is she the one in Mary’s woods…?

–> TY CONFUSED 1 for checking in with a survivor following up on a possible apocalyptic plague in progress.  Much appreciated and good news here…

–> Tough choices coming? What is RISING ALPHA trying to get at here exactly?

–> Okay so VIANNA didn’t actually get the SOTM curse. Yet. She just changed territories. How is she dealing with the local wildlife?

–> BLAZE with a good question about inherited lycanthropy. What if your parents aren’t werewolves but you still think you are and you weren’t bitten? Can you still inherit it?

–> Any werewolves in the forest by MARY5544’s house? If so, can you check in with her? Please? Just declare yourself and state your business or whatever you werewolves do. I’m sure you can work it out but you know how she gets with werewolves on her pack’s turf…

–> Is it ACCALIA in Mary’s forest? She went hunting in a park. Wait a minute. Should you really be hunting in a park? What kind of park is this exactly? How many times do I have to tell you WWs not to hunt at the zoo!

–> Wait a minute. First THE BEAST wants werewolf blood samples to create a lycanthropy cure. Then he disappears, and reports come in that he is deathly in. Now he’s back. Has he been experimenting on himself??? Never experiment on yourself, survivors. Yourself will always experiment back on you.

–> Great, now why does this THE KING want vampire venom samples exactly? Just what is he king of anyway? Can it really cure cancer?

–> Who’s this now? An ANDREW wondering what kind of werewolf he really is…

 

Mud Maid in the Shade Forest Revenge or Mermaid Spells Gone Wrong?

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Every year a certain number of overheated survivors head to the woods seeking shady relief from the Dog Days heat in the trees and mystical waters there, only to never be heard from again.

Why? Undoubtably some get lost and/or eaten by fire ants and/or tigers but  for others, like Sue Hill below, a stranger and more terrible, but arguably more relaxing, fate awaits.

SOS is still on the trail of the true story of the mudmaidification of Sue Hill and her brother Peter. Please stand by and stay out of the woods until we know more.

An SOS truer-than-true story about the mud maids…

Sue Hill
Sue Hill Went Into the Woods One Day…

 

Roswell Incident Anniversary Celebrations Harmless Fun or Serious Threat?

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Survivors before you click on that cute little Google Doodle spaceship today, take a minute to recall the sombre incidents in Roswell, New Mexico this little UFO game represents and ask yourself if it’s worth taking the risk to experience 30 seconds of animated space-craft piloting fun.

Think of the consequences before celebrating Roswell day!
Think of the consequences before celebrating Roswell Day!

Remember Richard French? The former US Air Force Colonel who retired from a lifelong career of debunking UFOs with the intent of spending his old age bragging about how he helped bring down not one but two UFOs on this day in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.

Remember how mad this made the aliens when he became an overnight Internet celeb last year on this date?

I certainly do:

As if you Earthlings could take down any of our craft using your 1947 technology, they said.

As if any advanced alien species anywhere would let themselves or their ships be taken captive that easily, they said.

The only true part about Colonel French’s report is the part where we all apparently write in Arabic, they said. We really do that. Mainly just to be funny. But also because we know how much it bugs you.

In fact, at the time, I feared that Colonel French may have been working with economist Paul Krugman to start an intergalactic war to end the global recession.

Thankfully, I worked with the Olympics committee to appease the aliens with free tickets and front row seats to the summer games and intergalactic war was averted. And the recession still reigns supreme so woOt. You’re welcome.

But today think about this before you plan your cute little Roswell party. What happened to Colonel French?

Well nobody knows exactly who got to him or how, but got to him they did. No he’s not dead exactly, or not yet anyway, but the 83 year-old Colonel has noticeably changed his tune. He is no longer bragging about bagging a pair of aliens in his youth. No, these days all he talks about is about how he witnessed two aliens skillfully repair their ship underwater off the coast of Newfoundland, Canada in under 20 minutes before making a clean getaway, in front of a cheering crowd.

French reads statement aliens prepared for him.
French reads statement aliens prepared to debunk his earlier debunking.

See him here, reading the testimony the aliens prepared for him, testimony that debunks his earlier debunking of his life work as a debunker!

“And they looked the way aliens have been depicted in motion pictures,” is how he finishes his testimony these days to the Citizen Hearing On Disclosure Panel.

The lesson here Survivors, as I see it, is don’t make fun of alien, unless you want them to hijack your brain and turn you into their head cheerleader.

Go aliens!

Crap. Did I really type that? How did they find me….?

This Week In Survival – July 05, 2013

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Agggh it’s the dog days again! Can you feel the pull of the Dog Star already? I can. It’s s l o w i n g e v e r y t h i n g d o o o o o o w n.

Another Supernatural Week Of Survival!
Another Supernatural Week (ish) Of Survival!

Okay so it’s a little better than the churning, sweating innards of a giant lake monster like Nessie I’ll give you that – where did that bike tire come from anyway? What kind of mermonster eats an entire bike? But if history is any guide, for the next forty days Survival will be a tough slog  – so get ready for the heat.

Who will make it? Who knows! We’ll have to keep on keeping on to find out. Let’s see what’s been happening around here…

*Well for starters lots of survivors getting their own avatars woOt! Wait. Who’s that assasiney looking one… hmmm…

*NEWFOUNDWITCH almost made her teacher disappear but did she survive the super moon? Hey but how do you almost make your teacher disappear? What was she doing at the time? That doesn’t seem like a problem per sey…

*CONFUSED ONE keeping an eye on things around here. Thanks dude. (Or dudette.) Survival needs more supernaturally helpful beings like you and the Jaffa and Wolf Ranger et al.

*Did MARNEY survive the Supermoon? What a terrifying tale. Sadly I don’t think she survived. So common with the bitten ones… Many thanks to WOLF RANGER  of the Caotica clan for trying to help her out. I wonder if she could have joined the Caotica if she survived?

* WOLF RANGER tells the history of the Caotica clan. Wait a minute… Is he that assassin who’s been stalking the site?

*FISHY334 the Leviathan where you when I was trapped in that mermonster trying to make him sneeze? I better warn Fish about Captain Edwards and the Nessie Hunter. If he’s really Nessie’s friend he’s not going to like a Leviathan hanging around his lake….

*Ever hear of the  Survivor of the Month Curse ? It’s real. Has it got Vianna? Graham and I are studying the matter now. I don’t want to scare anyone but so far it seems like only Devorah has been able to survive it. And she didn’t accept the prize… what does this mean?

*What’s this? A host of angels stopping by? How’d I miss this? ANGELWOLF and kudos to ANGELIC CHICK  who got JAFFA out… still griping about his one angel wing grafted onto him. You know he complains about that thing but I think he secretly likes it. Do demigods have a Special Olympics? How did he get that wing again? Hope nobody turns her to stone. Okay but good question here – if you’re a genetic werewolf-witch-angel.... which happens first? Or will it happen all at once?

* Okay see? This is what I mean. ACCALIA  a genetic werewolf getting a little grumpy… need I repeat the no-bite rule? Wonder who delivered that muffin. 1-800-muffins? Or a pack member? Oh wait it looks like she is starting a pack, Swiftpack HERE. Do you have to be fast to enter?

*Looks like FLAME got caught in the Fourth of July fireworks. What exactly is a sacrashifter, you ask?  Well, it’s a…a…well I’ll tell you one thing for sure, it’s completely ungoogleable. Well played my shifty friend!

*At least we know it wasn’t RUSTY, who is only sad that he didn’t get to blow stuff up. Apparently he did get a chance to burn the Silvermoons logo into everything around here. If you see this logo around? You know who to blame. I think I found one on a box of mac and cheese tonight. Obviously that werewolf is coming back for it!

*BLAZE 689 survived the Supermoon. So far so good. Judging by the YOLOs still not a zombie. Wonder what’s up there?

Who’s Feeding the Loch Ness Monster? The Mystery of Nessie’s Food Source

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Another bitter battle over Scotland’s most famous mermonster, the Loch Ness monster or Nessie for short, this time as researchers accuse local tour operators and hoteliers of feeding the world’s most famous cryptid in an effort to increase tourism.

Is it true? Have so-called Nessie hunters like George Edwards really been feeding the beast – or beasts? If so, what or who have they been feeding Nessie? And how long can the Loch Ness monster – or monsters – really be maintained? How long will it be before it – or they! – get too hungry for even the dedicated tour operators of Drumnadrochit to maintain?

Nessie hunters hired by hoteliers to feed the beast?
George Edwards, Nessie Hunter or Nessie Hugger?

Nessie researcher Adrian Shine claims to have worked for over four decades to solve the mystery of the Loch Ness monster, what kind of monster it is exactly and what it must be eating out there in Scottland’s deepest lake.

“Talking about a creature or possibly creatures of that size here in the loch, you need to talk about potential food sources and about the fact that there’s just not enough food in the Loch Ness in terms of fish left to support a creature or possibly creatures of that size. Who or what exactly could be feeding this monster anyway?” he said, stopping just short of pointing the finger at his rival, Nessie Hunter George Edwards and his tour operator friends, pictured here.

Could it be true that Mr. Edwards is not really hunting Nessie at all but actually feeding and caring for a dangerous mermonster, all for the sake of tourism dollars? If so, is he working alone or with help from other tour operators and hotel owners? And what exactly is he feeding her or them or it?

Contacted for a reply, Nessie Hunter George Edwards categorically denies Mr. Shine’s inferences that he and his mates are secretly feeding the monster known as Nessie and further Captain Edwards questions Mr. Shine’s scientific qualifications to assess a real mermonster’s dietary needs.

“Firstly, who is Adrian Shine? In fact he is a former London printer who has been making a living out of Nessie for many a year,” he writes. “All of my passengers return safely after thoroughly enjoying their time with me – check out our Trip Advisor reviews!”

Loch Ness boat skipper George Edwards

True enough, in ten pages of Trip Advisor reviews of the Nessie Hunter, there is not a single mention of missing or eaten passengers.

There is a suspicious quantity of sonar surveillance equipment, fridge space and very detailed and thorough knowledge of Nessie and her habits noted again and again but no sign of a single harpoon-type weapon such that would be required to bag a monster the size of Nessie.

And you can’t ignore the fact the first reported sighting of Nessie took place in the 7th Century when an Irish monk allegedly fought off a mermonster in the act of eating a lone man on the River Ness.

Or the fact that Scotland has the lowest population density in all of Europe. A graph comparing the Scottish population growth to that of England and Wales looks very suspicious indeed. So maybe Captain Edwards isn’t feeding Nessie his precious tourists. That probably wouldn’t be a smart business decision. Where do all the missing Scottish people go?

Is Nessie feeding on the Scottish population?
Is Nessie feeding on the Scottish population?

The Loch Ness monster has been seen and photographed many thousands of times in many different ways by many people over the centuries including George Edwards himself whose photo of Nessie (above) has been deemed by a panel of independent experts to be the best and most reliable Nessie photo yet. Yet Captain Edwards still claims to be hunting the beast…

Sound suspicious to you yet? Me too. But before planning your trip to Scotland to get to the bottom of the matter, be sure and review your basic lake monster survival safety.