The cannibal carnival continues as colonist Geoffrey Portway was sentenced to 27 years in prison today for trying to order a kid for delivery dinner online from another man in Massachusetts.
This cannibal news comes just days after scientists confirmed the settlers of Jamestown survived their first winter in America with the help of – er rather, a generous helping of – a 14 year-old Jane Doe whose tender young face has been replicated now using computer technology —>>>
Of course, the Jamestown colonists were starving and under siege and although they ate juicy Jane Doe there’s no evidence they killed her with the intention to eat her while the Massachusetts cannibal colonist planned his feast as casually as a man punching in a pizza pie, at home on his computer.
In fact, colonist Geoffrey Portway came to Massachusetts all the way from Britain with the intent of pursuing his cannibal lifestyle with the support of a local man named Michael Arnett who claimed he could supply all his friend’s cannibal needs.
Survivors, the geography here is impossible to ignore. As I’m sure you know, Massachusetts is just up the road from Jamestown and the site of the second American colony. What is going on here? Are these isolated incidents separated by time and space or is there a dangerous culture of kid cannibalism surviving on America’s east coast at these first settlement sites?
Until more is known, younger and more tenderer beings everywhere would be well advised to maintain a stained yellow-teeth alert for the presence of cannibals at all times. Unless you want a cool computer model of your mug to go viral in 400 years like Jamestown Jane Doe above, review your cannibal safety knowledge:
TOP FIVE CANNIBAL SAFETY TIPS
- Check everyone for pointy teeth. We’re not talking about vampire fangs here. Cannibals sharpen ALL their teeth to a fine point with sticks and rocks.
- Look scrawny and un-tasty. Clean up any unlucky barbecue sauce or ketchup spills on your shirt or hands immediately before somebody near you gets the wrong idea.
- Make and wear your own medic alert jewelry. Don’t be satisfied with run-of-the-mill maladies like diabetes or malaria, go for the really disgusting ones like, bubonic plague or ebola and write it in big, easy to read letters on your bracelet or necklace.
- Before you agree to dinner with anyone, ask to see the kitchen. See any mighty meat hooks or sturdy chains hanging from the ceiling? That’s a telltale sign you should decline!
- Utensil tells! Cannibals almost never know how to use a spoon! Further, their traditional forks are much pointier than normal, reference the artist rendering below: