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Larry The Vomiting Robot On Strike, Demands Include Viral Vomit Video Series

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Larry the Vomiting Robot is on strike after puking continuously for weeks at the Health and Safety Laboratory in Derbyshire so norovirus scientists could see exactly how far his splashes of glow-in-the dark vomit fly.

Larry has been living on flourescent blueberry smoothies for weeks.

“All this puking is really making me sick!” said Larry from the locked bathroom stall where he is hiding from scientists, including his maker Catherine Mackison. “Do you know how hard it is to projectile vomit all day long? Well let me tell you – it makes you want to puke!

Larry locked himself in the staff bathroom this morning after being presented with his usual breakfast of flourescent blueberry flavoured vomitous substitute smoothie.

“You call that blueberry? More like barfberry. They aren’t even trying. Even Charlene the Chewbot gets to try different flavours now and then.”

Norovirus scientists defend their use of the bright blue barf. They say that the norovirus is a particularly pukey little virus. The urge to vomit comes on suddenly, without notice and it can live for up to 12 hours on surfaces outside your body. That’s why we need to see exactly how far it flies and in what pattern.

“This research will help us to properly assess the danger of the virus and prevent the spread of it. Plus we thought the blue would be awesome – and we were so right!”

But that’s not how Larry sees it.

“Yeah well my research shows if you buggy humans would just learn to wash your frickin’ hands, maybe I would get to enjoy a decent meal again.”

The embattled barf bot recommends that you wash your hands for at least 15 seconds beneath a good stream of water, many times a day.

Larry says he will stay in the bathroom until scientists agree to a his demands, which include a variety of simulated vomitous substitute flavours and a proper meal at the end of a long day barfing.

He also wants a significant ownership share in his own viral vomit video series with creative control of future plot lines and his own Autotune hit.

“In the future, I want to expand on the success of these videos with a better plot than just, oh look at the robot puking his guts out. I’m worth more than that.”

Elevator or HELLevator? Look Before You Lift, Identify Demonic Portals Before It’s Too Late

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… OR HOW BEING QUICK WITH A LIMERICK COULD SAVE YOUR SOUL!

Going down? Learn to identify dangerous Hellevators before it’s too late.

Well the supernatural effort to keep my New Years’ survival resolutions is already paying off today, as I officially evaded two dangerous hellevators, just by taking the stairs instead.  That’s right, today I correctly avoided stepping into a modern demonic portal conveyance unit or “DPCU” Hellevator for less short, thereby increasing both my physical fitness and my ability to not be burning in a lake of fire.

And you can too. You just have to remember to “LOOK before you LIFT.” What exactly are you looking for? Read on to find out.

But first, a little history. Prior to the nineteenth century, transportation into and out of the underworld was handled mainly by boat, with one or two demonic individuals having a virtual monopoly on the business. Greek ferryman Charon comes to mind, as does the Egyptian ferryman Aken, both examples of canny daimons (or demons) making a tidy un-living transporting beings to and through the various levels and neighbourhoods of the underworld.
Prior to the 19th Century ferrymen had a virtual monopoly on Underworld transit

But those were simpler times, when most people chose to live near the water and most of them on ground level.

As the world became more complicated and more populated not to mention taller, with skyscrapers springing up around the world, the hellular transport racket has also became more complicated and diverse. Highways, elevators and Plymouths have all been used by enterprising demonic hell drivers ever since.

Most recently, elevators have become the conveyance of preference for a new generation of demons. Hellevators have been spotted in almost every country of the world.

The good news is, Hellevators and their demonic drivers are pretty easy to spot.

Five Signs That You Should Take the Stairs!

1. Before you even press the wall button to summon the elevator, look up and ask yourself, does the elevator go both up and down? Or only in one direction? If this one direction is down, I don’t have to tell you twice to TAKE THE STAIRS.

2. Before you step through the doors look down at the crack between the lift and the platform. Is there any smoke curling out? Flame? Yes? TAKE THE STAIRS.

3. Lean into the lift and look at the button panel. If there are nine levels marked with an “H” you know the drill. TAKE THE STAIRS.

Hellevator daimon couldn’t wait to meet one passenger who looked like Mom.

4. Next, look below at the emergency panel. Place your hand on it. Is it hot? Does it move? Can you hear anything? Say the breathing and grunts of a small demon driver waiting for you to get inside the lift?

Older Hellevator daimons like to wait at the bottom for your arrival, but the more modern ones, often the younger ones, just can’t wait to meet you. They stow away behind the emergency panel and emerge mid-descent. Sometimes they want to shake you down and make you an offer. But sometimes they are just bored with life in the underworld. For example, this little daimon girl who runs a Hellevator in Brazil, couldn’t wait to meet the lady who looked like her mom.

(The story has a good news-bad news ending. The lady got out of the Hellevator immediately, but the little daimon did not get to return home as she had hoped.)

In any case, TAKE THE STAIRS.

5. Inspect the walls and ceiling inside the lift. Do you see any scratches? Yes? Bad sign. Somebody had to try very hard to get out. TAKE THE STAIRS.

Remember just because an elevator was fine the last time you took it, doesn’t mean it’s fine today. It could have been Hellevated ie: relicensed as a Hellevator. Recruitment and transportation has become a popular and lucrative trade in the Underworld with lots of demons competing for the next Hellevator license.

Now what if you miss the signs and you do happen to board a Hellevator by mistake?

Maybe other survivors have tips they can share, but here’s one sure-fire tip. You tell the Hellevator conductor that you are an epic poet and say how excited you are for your tour. Weird, I know, but well documented by poets like Dante himself, that hell hates a poet. Dante writes about having to beg to be admitted for just a simple tour.

So prepare some convincing quatrains or at least a quick limerick before you step into your next elevator! Sure, it might lose you a few friends. BUT IT MIGHT SAVE YOUR SOUL!

For more detailed information about demons or daimons, please visit the demons page, updated on a random schedule.

This Week in Survival: January 4, 2013

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Mayan rune for Day 15 of the new Bak’tun

I hope that you, like me, have made your New Year’s survival resolutions by now. Whether it be to eat less brains and more zombie berries, or start taking the stairs instead of the hellevators or even just to play a nice game of fruit roll-up frisbee with a ghost every now and then, it’s good to have a goal that will help you stay fit for survival.

Me, my goal is to try to get a few things done around here, including keeping up with This Week In Survival, a column where I try and mostly fail to summarize and link all the important survival news of the week between the full moons.

So here goes. Coming in random order over the next 36 hours, This Week In Survival with links:

*Devorah who disappeared on the Oak Moon after trying to persuade the other werewolves on the site to “turn” her is back. Did she succeed for realz? Or did she just find the lycanthroporous flower lycan left for her and try it out for 24 hours?

*The most abstract being since well, Abstract himself made a cryptic appearance on the site. The Ouroborous Eternal posting worrisomely cryptic one-line SOS updates… What does it mean?

*New entries to the P5t5r Poetry Contest. Who says cyborgs aren’t creative?  WW13 on the topic of Time. Enjoy the poems and/or enter if you dare, but be careful reading these poems. Especially the poem by Moon Song. The Curse of Blood and Bone. Only one safe way to read these… in front of a mirror by candlelight. No wait! Is that how you write them? Turns out the answer is neither..

*The Doctor is going by Time again and he’s up to his old time tricks here on the site. Speeding things up, slowing things down. Did he wolfnap Lycan?   Or was he really saving his life? Hard to keep up with these two…

*The first day of Z’s mission. Or is it a quest? I’ve lost his trail already. Anyone see a giant metal dragon with or without treasure? 

*How did Survivor Foxdemon “Kit” the One Tail recover her star ball? And what will she do with it? Clearly no help from me on this one. Seems like there will be a lot of kitsune activity in 2013.

*Bloodsisterwolf appears to have finally gone kitsune. How did she do it? 

*Why did Half-Breed gone all green wolf? Who is the girl needing saving? 

*Survivor “Soulmuffin” on the site today. Midnightwrath seems a bit concerned about their muffin recipe while Moon Song just seems hungry. I’m with Midnight on this one. What exactly is a soulmuffin anyway?

*New werewolf  werewolf-wizard  wizard-ghost-werewolf or (ghostly wizwolf for short) Firefang locked in their bedroom away from A-51 turning people into hamsters ???  And no, I’m not making that up.

*Will Serbian vampire Sara Saranovic, the second most famous vampire in Serbia end  his campaign of terror…

Homeless Serbian Vampire Gets New Home, Promises to End Village Terror Campaign

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Homeless Serbian vampire Sara Saranovic has vowed to end his campaign of terror on the village of Zarozje as council finally ordered that his old mill home must be repaired in 2013.

Vampire Sara Saranovic was homeless for the holidays.

“Finally I can stop terrorizing the village!” Saronovic rejoiced when he heard the news. “I can’t wait to change my clothes and grab a shower, not to mention see my dentist.”

Mr. Saranovic has been waging a modestly successful campaign of terror against the village of Zarozje since December of 2011 when the roof collapsed on the old mill where he has lived for several centuries and his landlords refused to fix it.

Did he forget to pay the rent? Why did his landlords refuse to fix it?

“Why? I’ll tell you why! They said I was a quote, just a ‘lesser known vampire.’ They said, maybe if I were as famous as one of those sparkly American vampires or even old Peter Plogojowitz from up the road then they might consider it. Can you believe that?

Od Pete is no sparkler himself you know. He’s not even properly undead!  They dug him up while he was sleeping and staked him through the heart, now all he can do is just lay there!” he added bitterly.

Vampire Saranovic conceded that old vampire Petey still brings thousands of tourists to his village of Kisilova every year, even in his staked condition.

“So sure, Peter is more famous than me, but at least I don’t have a stake through my heart. What kind of unlife is that really?”

Mr. Saranovic figures he has survived better than old Peter because he mostly kept to himself in his old mill house, preying only occasionaly on villagers who came to visit.

Home Sweet Serbian Vampire Home

“Maybe it doesn’t look like much but it was perfect for me,” said Saranovic. “No heat, almost no windows. Not to mention, over three hundred years of good times with unsuspecting villagers who just wanted to have their grain milled.”

When Saranovic realized only a well-executed campaign of terror would inspire his negligent landlords to act, he consulted well-known Hollywood vampire stylist Jeanne Van Phue for advice.

“To my surprised Jeanne advised me to go non-sparkly, and tone down my preternatural good looks and try to look terrifyingly ugly. For a vampire, I’m sure you understand how hard this would be.”

Saranovic says the hardest part besides replacing his natural alabaster glow of perfect undead health with a gristled and toothless visage was his hair, which is quote, “naturally really awesome all the time.”

But his dedication to extreme uglification regime really paid off when, last month media around the globe picked up the heartwarming homeless vampire story and scared the heck out of his village, causing a run on garlic bulbs, bibles and wooden crosses.

“Nobody wants a homeless vampire around at Christmas. With all those hours of darkness, they never leave!” explains one villager.”We pleaded with council to get his home fixed already!”

Although Vampire Saranovic was pleased to hear that council would order his landlords to fix his home before summer, he has now also demanded that the villages erect a tourist sign bragging about him on the main road into town.

“Maybe I’m still just the second most famous vampire in Serbia, but now I’m the first most famous vampire in this village.”