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This Week In Survival, Dec 28 2013

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Another Supernatural Week Of Survival.
Another Supernatural Week Of Survival.

This Week In Survival around the globe and on the site survivors have been working to restore and keep the light long enough to avoid the declaration of a Dark Year…

Check here over the next 36 hours or so as I scroll back through the pages. I hope you’ll follow the colored links and help me figure it out.

This Week In Survival and my midnight mac and cheese both brought to you by Power Pot this week.

Was It That Tempest on the plain of Lir? 

What is the the reason for this Dark Christmas season? Is it…

–>>  FENRIR finally or still or again breaking out of his chains?  Or is this just a symptom? On the bright side of the dark side, Fenrir claims he would fight for good.

–>> Or something to do with a certain LILITH’s arrival? What happens if she teams up with Fenrir? Would that be good or bad?

–>> Or is it the faeries? Could there be a epic seasonal battle without a faerie army? TITANIA has words with both FENRIR and LILITH.  Seems like there’s some bad blood here. On the plus side, there could be an epic afterparty. Want an invite? Follow the link if you dare…

–>>And did anyone ever get ZERETH a supernatural sandwich? If so, was it really a sandwich? (See below, Velanko’s note on supernatural relics, correct identification thereof.)

National Necromancy Day? 

–>> Why didn’t my calendar alert me? KENJI swears it’s true.  Learn all about it before it’s too late. Good thing he found an original Hatter hat. Oh wait a minute… maybe not quite so good.

WANTED: One Æsahættr Bearer

–>> Who wants to know?  SCARLETT  looking for a particular one.  Did she find it?

–>> What’s a Æsahættr you ask? Or maybe you already know. Either way, you can read Scarlett’s description here but I couldn’t find a reliable photo so maybe it is unphotographable or in the form of a sandwich or something.  HEY!  Maybe that’s what Zereth is really looking for…

(Many thanks to Fenrir & Velanko for getting to the bottom of  that one.)

WANTED: 12 Great Relics

–>> Before you answer NO ask yourself this, could you identify a Great Relic? You might want to read this note from VELANKO here and re-examine ALL the objects in your life.

–>> Who wants to know? Er nevermind, it’s FENRIR, so I’m not sure we should be helping at this point, at least until the light is restored and the threat of a Dark Year dismissed. However if you are currently in possession of or know the whereabouts of one or more of these relics you may wish to consider securing them.

–>> Looks like ICE has one of them. How did he get that? And what does he plan to do with it? Should he really be advertising it here?

–>> REAPER knows the location of another one. What dragon is he referring to? Does anyone else smell a setup here?

MISSING IN ACTION: DarkOne’s Brother

–>> Was it pinkeye or lycanthropy? Is it possible he was called to transform now for a reason? Any werewolves who spot him please let Dark One Know.

MISSING IN ACTION: Hatter’s Cousin

–>> Any time travellers in the house are asked to join the search for HATTER’s cousin who appears to be trapped in a time eddy. I hope it’s a warm one because without electricity I doubt we can get him back…

A Real Live Human… Or Not? 

–>> It’s extremely rare to hear of anyone receiving a definitive human diagnosis from The Monstrometer but WEBWOLF claims to done just that. So how does he account for this bit of super weirdness?

–>> …to be continued.

 

Globe Faces Dark Declaration as Battle for the Light Continues

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Dark yuletidings from parts of Canada and the USA, as the annual battle for the light drags on without resolution this season, the globe is facing the possibility of an official Dark Christmas declaration.

Kertaskinir steals the light
SCIA searching for suspect who goes by the name Kertaskinir

As seasoned survivors recall, keeping the light lit is an important part of Christmas for beings of many denominations around the globe. But the part many have forgotten is this – if the light doesn’t stay lit through Christmas, the dark can be declared victorious and the entire globe will face a Dark Year.

That’s right, an entire year of darkness. No sunrise, no sunset, no fireplace channel on Netflix. In fact, no Netflix at all.  Just a fun-filled year of scrounging for firewood in dark scary woods full of triumphant dark spirits who take every opportunity to laugh at you. It’s no fun.

Even vampires hate a year of darkness. And so do I. It’s the main reason I wage my annual defensive decorating campaign, to prevent this situation from occurring. (Well that and I love finely aged tree bacon.)

So what happened this year? Somebody put one too many lights on the Christmas Tree? Not enough Baconsil? Or part of a sinister demonic plot?

With road crews still working around the clock to restore power before a Dark Christmas can be officially declared, the SCIA (Santa Claus Intelligence Agency) is searching for a suspect, an Icelandic terrorist who goes by the name of Kertaskinir (see photo).

The lone man, described as a cross between a troll and a demon, is a known agent affiliated with a local cell known as the Yule Lads who fight on behalf of undisclosed spirits to defeat Christmas and bring a year of darkness and chaos.

Kertaskinir or “Kert” for short, is largely considered the most dangerous of the 13 terrorist trolls. His modus operandi is to strike on Christmas Eve, with a relatively straightforward strategy. That is to say, he goes straight for the lights.

A Dark Year doesn't have to mean no phone anymore.
Prepare for the Dark Year with a Power Pot.

In modern times Law enforcement had stopped taking old Kert seriously. writing him him off as an unsophisticated folkloric candle thief, whose skills seemed limited to Grinch-style tactics of petty vandalism and theft. You know, unplugging Christmas trees and smashing Christmas lights. Nobody suspected old Kert could develop the technology to mastermind a blackout of this magnitude, until now.

Anyone with information about this terrorist troll is being urged to contact their local authorities as soon as possible or leave the info below as

Meanwhile, I invite all survivors to begin preparing for the Dark Year ahead. Starting with this handy little Power Pot. Lucky for me, I found one under the tree this year. Mainly because I put it there but that’s okay it’s all about giving and this is what I gave myself – a pot that boils water and uses that energy to charge your phone or iPod or even your electric rollerskates at the same time. Thank you Seth, your very thoughtful. You’re welcome Seth.

Don’t let the Dark Year ahead get you down! If you haven’t given yourself the gift of this handy electricity generating piece of camp cookery, what are you waiting for?

 

Meet Hatter Survivor of the Month

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Thanks for helping me keep on keeping on!

Ten Fast Facts About The Hatter

1. The Hatter is a dimension hopping proud Guardian who is 1/5 angel or at least 1/5 or his DNA appears to have been contributed by an angel.

1.5. The Hatter served an unfortunate but formative period of time as a hat maker or in his own words….

As a result he may have handled a little too much mercury and well, you have to bear that in mind when one of his hats arrives at your door.

2. More about those hats. From what we can determine a) he has a number of them, b) they contain doors to other universes and if handled correctly, will open a portal to one of them and c) He has been known to give them away.

If you receive a Hatter hat though, before you try it, you would do well to read the find print because unlike my own work, it does not come with life-back guarantee. Nor an instructional video.

3. Claims to be a doctor of sorts, a therapist, in fact a Monster Therapist ™ who offers Supernatural Interventions and Rehabilitation services to high profile clients. On this high profile client list, he claims several very difficult and demanding gods and demigods from Horus to Hades. 

(But don’t try to convince the Scarlett Lupa of this. You’d be wasting your breath. More about her later.)

4. Readily admits to being afraid of at least one thing- Scarlett Lupa and her ability to send bad dreams. Not to mention sharp remarks. You can see what I mean in the comments below or read a prime example here.

5. Has been frenemies with Kzazrier for over 300 years now, or almost a third of his lifetime, sometimes bonding with him in their mutual quest to go back in time and prevent the dreaded Sentinel Cycle from culling the strongest survivors from the site.

6. May or may not still have a lost zombie named Anson who likely probably “belongs” to Rusty.  (Rusty came looking but appears to have left empty handed which is likely a good thing for everyone involved…)

7. When his mercury poisoning isn’t acting up, Hatter is normally quick with a good question or a piece of advice or just to say hi. One notable example for me was his advice for Mystery Girl, a ghost whisperer.  Much appreciated sir.

8. Is a treasured frenemy of the Reaper, whose activities he monitors very carefully around the globe and reports on regularly, despite the fact they don’t see eye to eye on most things. In part, this is just good surveillance but also it should be noted that Hatter claims to have done a stint as a Reaper himself so perhaps his interest is professional too.

9. Has a catchy tag line, “Normal is over rated.”

10.  Did I mention he makes hats? Get your now! Time limited offer. Get your order in before the end of 2013.*

**SOS may not be held liable for any damages that result from a Hatter hat up to and including unwanted time loops, dimensional shifts, unexplained clones or lost hair.

11. I know, I said ten fast facts but on a serious note, behind the scenes, Hatter is relentless in his own supernatural research and keeps me up to date on a regular basis which I appreciate immensely. He is normally quick to offer a helping hat or an engaging contribution to another survivor’s situation, which I appreciate even more.

Traditional Tree Decorating Made Easy: Baconsil for Cold Spirits!

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Between dangerous Boxing Day sales and zombie mall Santas, it’s so easy to forget the real spirit of the season –  that is, the spirits of the season. Unfortunately, these dark spirits will not forget about you. Did you decorate for survival?

Oldentimey survivors understood the dangers of these long, dark nights filled with fear of illness, bad sweaters and family ferment. Groaning, hungry, cold shadowy spirits who roam the dark land. It’s not just about Grinches and Grylas or Zwarte Pietes. We’re talking Night Runners, El Cucos, Yule Cats, Sandmen and Krampuses. Why else would we need so many bright lights and angels and miracles right now? That’s why a traditional tree is not just a convenient gift stand, it’s a trap for dangerous spirits.

The spirits of the season love baconsil.
The spirits of the season love baconsil.

Well Oldentimey folks knew this. They were the first understand the importance of a tasteful, in fact a downright tasty, Christmas tree. That’s right, forget about how it looks, your Christmas tree has to TASTE good. Because you use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with edible.

Why would you want to lure spirits indoors, you may ask? It does seem counter-intuitive but believe it or not, it’s simple – a tree full of powerful, well-fed spirits is a tree full of happy spirits who will protect you and your family from all kinds of things, annoying Yule cats and Grinches for instance but more importantly, from other hungry spirits of darkness.

This is very important. Traditional decorations include nuts, apples, muffins, mashmallow or popcorn garlands and of course, long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* Your family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsil comes from anyway?

Let me be clear. I am not saying you should abandon a defensive strategy of trapping the light in your Christmas tree branches. This is a sound strategy for some ie: survivors with a back up generator and/or a good fire extinguisher but if your tree depends on electricity alone, you are leaving your family undefended in the case of a power outage.  Why not hedge your bets and arm your tree with some happy, well-fed spirits?

Take this advice and all should go smoothly. Spirits stay happy and fall asleep in the branches, the sun will return and we survive another Christmas like the triumphant seasonal survivors that we have always historically been.

What is Survivor of the Month?

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Thanks for helping me keep on keeping on!
Thanks for helping me keep on keeping on!

For those who don’t know, Survivor of the Month is a small but unfortunately somewhat cursed prize that is given to one unlucky-lucky survivor in recognition of their contributions to SOS over the last month(s). As you may know, Seth On Survival is a volunteer endeavour that frankly never expected to survive this long, and continues in large part thanks to the ongoing participation of survivors like you contributing your supernatural knowledge and experience on the site.

You really do keep me keeping on, With your ongoing support and participation, there will be lots more SOS. Survivor of the Month is a small recognition of this fact. On the full moon, I put up the clues and the winner receives a small iTunes thank-you number in his or her email, should they live to tell.

Survivor of the Month used to be awarded by a quasi-mathmatical formula combined with a lottery and now it’s a subjective narrowing down combined with a lottery if necessary. So it’s a little bit random and a bit not. Bottom line is always, SOTM goes to somebody who helps us all survive. They don’t have to be perfect but they do normally:

–>> Make awesome, detailed & informative, helpful  and/or fun survival reports.

–>> Help others survive and make awesome, detailed reports too. How? By asking questions, making replies and offering suggestions and comments.

–>> They also usually help out in other ways behind the scenes too, sometimes alerting me to problems on the site, for instance somebody using his or her real name, and/or sending me tips and report ideas via email seth@sethonsurvival.com. (I appreciate them all even if I can’t use them all right away.)

So what’s the curse part? Well somebody, we still don’t know who, put a curse on the SoTM prize way way back in 2012.  One by one the new Survivors of the Month began to disappear… and not just disappear in the human way, but in the Contalian sense of every part of their history disappearing along with them.

Since then every new SOTM must carry this curse for one full month until he or she can pass it on to another lucky-unlucky survivor. Should the curse fell one, it will fell them all.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to SOS over the years. Stay supernaturally awesome.

Seth

Yule Cat Self-Defense Is Your Ugly New Christmas Sweater Ready?

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SOS from the Seasonal Survival file, as you prepare to face the next holiday horror, that most spiteful spirit of Christmas, the dread Icelandic Yule Cat, remember there’s a right way and a wrong way to stop old Jólakötturinn the demon from eating your eyeballs on December 22.

If you don't have a new sweater, why no REnew an old one?
When the Yule Cat comes on December 22 will your sweater pass muster?

Quick review if you haven’t faced him – or her –  yet. Jólakötturinn the Yule Cat is a demon who stalks the earth this time of year, ready to attack people who wear old sweaters on December 22.  The demon is the number one reason for the ugly sweater season, another example of an ancient tradition steeped in survival.

And what kind of demon kills old sweater-wearers, you might ask? A Yule Cat demon, obviously but some say the fevered feline was once the sold soul of a supermodel who made a deal with the devil for catwalk riches, and now is doomed to spend eternity as a catty demon who polices polyester.

Whatever his true origin,  on December 22, the winter solstice,  Jólakötturinn the Icelandic Yule Cat will attack anyone who fails to don some new apparel in the form of an ugly new Christmas sweater.

Now full confession here, yes in the past I have stated that if you don’t have an ugly new Christmas sweater to wear on December 22, you can and should RE-new an ugly OLD one and that this would be sufficient to deter the demon cat. In fact I’ve written long articles ignored by millions if not billions around the globe about how to fool the Yule Cat in precisely this way, with an ugly Christmas sweater that seems new.

But there is a right way and a wrong way to go about renewing an old sweater and this year a group of irresponsible baseball players may be trying to get themselves killed.

For instance check out this sweater. Pitcher Brandon League’s efforts to protect himself and his gf from the Yule Cat and win the ugly sweater sweepstakes prompted him to glue garlands and candy canes to the front of some old sweaters (above)  and while I applaud the pitcher for effort, he appears to have overlooked one important fact here. These sweaters are both:

a) nowhere near ugly enough to deflect Jólakötturinn’s jaudiced eye. Especially not that one on his girlfriend, let’s be honest. It’s pretty hot.

b) basically will turn you into a walking cat toy. That stuffed Yeti on the front of Brandon’s sweater may be intended to scare away the Yule Cat but it will likely have the opposite effect. Sure demons hate Yeti but what feline could resist taking a swipe at you in one of those? After all, Jólakötturinn is still a cat and like all cats, enjoys attacking loose threads and stuffed animals.

(In fact some claim the Yule Cat doesn’t exactly mean to scratch your face off and eat your eyeballs, that he’s just likes playing with loose thread. But that’s a whole other debate.)

Pitcher Max Scherzer knows how to keep the Yule Cat away.
Pitcher Max Scherzer knows how to keep the Yule Cat away. Unfortunately, his wife will never make it.

So does this mean you shouldn’t try to disguise your ugly old Christmas sweater as an ugly new Christmas sweater to fool the most unfestive feline?

Not at all. I still stand by my words. If you can’t afford a brand new ugly sweater, take a note from the work of Max Scherzer. There’s a good reason this pitcher is in the Big 12 – he knows how to survive.  By gluing an arrangement of felt stockings to the front of his sweater every year, he can easily fool the Yule Cat without drawing his attention. It is both ugly enough and looks different enough from the previous year to pass muster.

(Unfortunately, the girlfriend again, is likely not going to make it. Is that even a sweater she’s wearing? Too bad but as a professional baseball player Max can probably find a replacement.)