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You are here: Home / 2012 / Archives for December 2012

Archives for December 2012

Burmese Dragons Retreat From First Public New Years’ Party in Yangon

December 31, 2012 By Seth 20 Comments

If you listen very hard tonight, as the world sings goodbye to the Year of the Dragon, you might hear something else too – the sound of old dragons slinking slowly back to their treasure caves for a long, draconian nap, in places like Burma or Myanmar.

Myanmese Dragons beat slow retreat from a looted land.
While young dragons are generally admired for their energy, leadership and intelligence, the world’s oldest dragons are famous for exactly four  things: looting, burning and sleeping and more looting. Did I mention looting?  When they loot they loot a lot. And when they sleep, they sleep even more, sometimes for a hundred years.

2012 The Year of the Dragon heralded the arrival of a record number of new dragons – but it also roused the looting and burning instincts of some of the worlds’ oldest dragons, like the Myanmese Draconians.

“Looting a country is very hard work. You humans don’t seem to understand this,” said Myanmar draconian Thein Sein. “For instance do you know how hard it is to hide billions of dollars in looted treasure? It takes a very big cave.”

The Myanmar dragon described an old plan to use his treasure to buy an entire football team instead.

“But then how to you hide all of Manchester United? Even in a country with no cell phones and Internet like Mayanmar, this is not easy.”

The draconian also noted that he did not want to share his cave with a bunch of rowdy footballers.

As a result, old dragons like Thein Sein have begun their slow slink away from the land while the people party in their wake.

“This is very exciting and also our first experience in celebrating the New Year. We feel like we are in a different world,” said Yu Thawda from Myanmar/Burma.

However, Draconian experts are warning the youth to temper their excitement.

“Old dragons don’t go fast,” writes dragon watcher Professor Dominicus Van Buren. “Treasure won’t fall from the sky.”

“Only once they are well and truly asleep inside their treasure caves do we have a chance.”

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Filed Under: Survival News Tagged With: 2012, Draconians, dragons, Humans, New Year

Survivor of the Month – LycanTheProtector

December 27, 2012 By Seth 32 Comments

Meet LycanTheProtector:  Wolfman of Many Forms & Friendly Lycanthropous Flowers
Protector can summon a two-leg form with the emotion of sadness.

Once again the app chose aptly for the last survivor of the month in 2012 – LycanTheProtector.  If you haven’t met him already, well you just haven’t tried very hard yet. He’s a wolfman of many forms and a friendly florist who comes armed with  lycanthropous flowers for everyone.

Well sure his lycanthropous flowers MIGHT kill you or cause you to be trapped in werewolf form forever, but they could also allow you to try out being a werewolf for 24 hours! Which is something that if you ask Devorah, a braces-bound pre-werewolf, would totally be worth the risk.

Devorah begged the Lycan for one of his flowers after nobody on the site would break the strict no-bite rule to help turn her. He promised to deliver one to her home, but it’s still unclear if he found the right home because she lives in two of them. How did it all turn out? Did she find the flower and try it?

Protector also gave one of his famous flowers to Half-Breed. Well sort of.  Actually Half-Breed just kind of leapt on it and munched it right out of Protector’s hand while he was offering it to somebody else.. Now here’s where things get weird – er. Half-Breed as you probably know is already a lycanthrope. So what effect could the flower have?

Well it’s too early to say for sure – and Half-Breed denies it – but so far the dread flower seems to have a strangely romantic effect. While the whole incident appears to have alarmed Beast Girl who as a shape-shifter became understandably concerned. Time – and hopefully Half-Breed himself – will tell the final effect on Half-Breed.  Until then, other survivors would be well advised to accept Lycan’s flowers with more caution because they may have unintended side effects on supernaturals.

Oh really Half-Breed? It didn’t affect you AT ALL???

Where does he find those flowers anyway?

Does he cultivate them? Or find and pick them? How do you pick and store them? I

Protector means well though. Maybe he is a bit of a menace the way he likes to play inter-dimensional space-time tag with The Doctor through the shadow realms. And yeah, maybe he is prone to dazzling displays of fire and ice – but he is friendly with his flowers and quick with a greeting or survival advice and anecdotes.

So if he seems a little lycanthrololo at times to you, consider this. LycanTheProtector saw his whole pack hunted for their pelts. A 99.98% true story. I remember reading about it at the time. Do these hunters try to kill them when they are in their most valuable form, say gold or silver fur? Or do their pelts retain the abiity to change after they are removed? Maybe he can tell us, if it’s not too hard to talk about.

Either way, he saw his mate Luna die in his arms. And now he is the last surviving one of his pack, a wolf with many elemental forms and a broken heart. Which gives him a lot in common with Ice, the last surviving Ice Wolf on the site. If they can just keep from freezing each other and everyone else, who knows, they could team up.

Luckily, LycanTheProtector doesn’t seem bent on revenge. Yet.  So far he mainly appears to be trying to move on by helping others. So I hope you won’t be afraid to say hello if Mr. TheProtector greets you with a flower. Be just afraid enough…

NO but seriously – Protector has a lot to offer survival. For instance, did you know he has a developed a unique shifting technique that he can control with his emotions? It’s true. He has a two-leg or wolf-man form that he can summon with sad thoughts. And a playful puppy form that emerges with happy thoughts? Very educational. This marks the first time that a werewolf on the site would tell the secret of a puppy form.  I had no idea but it makes a lot of sense. How better to maintain the speed, agility and tracking senses of your wolf form without alerting other beings?

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Filed Under: Survival Resources Tagged With: lycanthropous, Survivor of the Month

Survivor Of The Month: Oak Moon

December 27, 2012 By Seth 34 Comments

It’s finally here, the last full moon of the year, bringing with it the last SOS Survivor of the Month for 2012. Who will it be on this stormy Oak Moon?

Okay the wheel is spun, a paltry prize has been won! This is going to be waaaay too easy so I have to make it hard. Here are the first three clues:

NAME THAT SURVIVOR:
SOS Hall of Famer

1. This Survivor is a lycanthrope.

2. This Survivor has three different forms controlled by emotional states: a two leg form triggered by sad thoughts; a puppy form controlled by happy thoughts and a four-leg fighting form triggered by anger.

3. This Survivor hates it when you call him BOY. I would advise you against it.

Did you guess? Click here to see the answer and read the Survivor of the Month Profile. And congrats to everyone who survived this full moon.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to SOS this month. With so much good reporting happening, both on the site and behind the scenes, it’s been hard to keep up. But I’ll try to keep on top of the research next month with more summaries and links like this one:

OAK MOON UPDATES:

*Moon Song gave Devorah a spell to protect her braces during the full moon – in case of her first transformation. Although Devorah’s having a hard time finding a way to become a werewolf with the strict no-bite rule around here.

*If you think Devorah should keep trying to become a werewolf click here. If you don’t think she should keep trying to become a werewolf click here and tell her why not. Did she ever find the flower Lycan left for her and try it out for one night?

*Wolf Guy, who always wanted to become a werewolf, appears to have finally been bitten last full moon and now it’s actually happening. Will his biter help him survive his first full moon?

*A lot of time travel this month, brought on by the Mayan Calendar scare. Check on The Doctor dealing with LycantheProtector, buffers survivors from his shadowy Lycanthropous magic. We all want to know, what’s his game? He says its simple but it seems a touch tricky to me…

*And what happened to Mr. Mutt?  A plan with Half-Breed seems to have gone wrong. Or a fight with Zanna that included LycanTheProtector Not good whatever the case. He seems to have gone up in flames…

*Moon Song is conducting research for her werewolf book! If you are a werewolf please help her out by clicking here and responding to her questions.

 *And where – or when – is Beast Girl going?  Trying to save The Doc again by finding Sherly. Is Sherly a goldfish or an imaginary friend? Either way who will save Beast Girl from the traps of time travel? And why does she seem worried about losing some of her beasty forms?

*Did Half-Breed really fall for Zanna? Or was it just because he ate the Lycanthropous flower? 

*And why the appearance of a possible Ragnarok werewolf named Loki who has already resisted dwarven attempts to restrain him. Can anyone tell her about Area 51?

*Shard is back after filing some very disturbing unconfirmed reports about Moon Song then allegedly disappearing with her spell book. What is the truth about that killing spree anyway? And does Moon Song know her book is in Shard’s hands?

*Okay could it be that Shadow Claw has been stalking werwolves like WW13 and throwing muffins t0 try and become a permanent wolf? I know, it sounds strange. So does it have to do with the dangerous lycanthroporous flowers that LycanTheProtector found on her clothes? Has she been eating them hoping to become a permanent werewolf?

*A very short report from Gabriella. Is it a warning?

*Is Alex really, really confused? Or is he just confused about that? I don’t know. It’s a bit confusing!

Stay tuned for the next update when all will be answered! BWAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAAAAAAA…!

Seth

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Filed Under: Survival Resources Tagged With: lycanthropous, Survivor of the Month

Global Grinch Gang Grumblings: Protect Your Tree to Save the Season!

December 24, 2012 By Seth 7 Comments

Groans from a gobsmacked globe today – the Grinch is back to his greedy old tricks, grabbing your trees, decorations and gifts. Has his head come lose again? Are his shoes too tight?  No one quite knows all of the reason but read on if you want to save the whole Christmas season.

Gangs of grinches grubbing your Christmas?

The Grinchy grabs began in New York, where hundreds of Christmas trees went missing on the same day, leaving no clues except eye-witness accounts of a truck marked: Grinchscaping Inc. 

Detectives decided the green grubber had likely grown tired of grinching fully-decorated trees up the chimblies one by one and was now using a fake company in an attempt to strangle the global tree market.

His tree plot foiled, the Grinch’s next gambit was even more gruesome – and this time the stories all speak of a twosome! When Christmas decorations began disappearing in Texas, a greenish-haired lady known as “Mrs. Grinch” was arrested.

Unfortunately Mr. Grinch got away and gifts began disappearing the very next day. Reports rollling in now from far and near, California to London: the Grinch has been here! 

“It appears the Grinch is not acting alone anymore,” stated one Grinch tracker. “I don’t care what kind of creature a Grinch actually is, nobody who rides a little dog like Max can move around the globe that fast.”

Is it true? Is our globe in the grips of a Grinch gang grub-grub? What exactly is a Grinch anyway? And more importantly, how can you protect your Christmas gifts?

Well who better and more convenient to answer these important supernatural questions than me, certified Supernatural Survivologist and writer of this article.

Seth: So Seth, tell us what exactly is a Grinch and just how many of them are there around the world? 

Seth: Well Seth, first I have to admit that I have never scanned a Grinch. But just based on his general morphology, phrenology and psychology, I would guess he is maybe half-leprechaun, half-faery. I’m thinking mainly of his green skin, long, many-jointed limbs, his shrinking heart and his general love of shiny things. But I would have to scan one with the Monstrometer to be sure.

Seth: I thought the Monstrometer didn’t identify fairies yet. 

Seth: It doesn’t. Yet. I blame Graham. He’s still going to school you know.

Seth: That’s crazy. 

Seth: I know. How many university degrees do you really need to correctly identify fairies?

Seth: There are a lot of kinds of fairies. 

Seth: I know. But still.

Seth: So what can we do to protect Christmas from these Grinches? 

Seth: Well in the past, Grinches appeared to have a weakness for cute. Unfortunately, Cindy Lou Hoo grew up before anyone could weaponize her cute ray. If you think you have a cute little brother or sister, you could try parking them under the tree for the night to guard the gifts. If you don’t have that option, your best bet is still the spirits.

Seth: You mean the spirit of Christmas that will loosen the Grinch’s shoes and swell his heart? 

Seth: No, I mean the spirits! The tree spirits! The ones who roam around in the cold looking for a nice, nutritious holiday tree to inhabit, The ones who eat all your traditional candy canes and popcorn strands and baconsil and won’t kill you if you feed them enough.

Seth: Ah yes! Traditional holiday baconsil! I have to get mine up before it’s too late. 
Seth: Yes you do Seth. Because those spirits are your best protection from Grinches. Faeries are terrified of the tree spirits. If you fill your tree with fun and nutritious decorations, the spirits will keep the Grinches at bay and prevent any unwanted holiday horror.
Seth: Thanks Seth. I’ll get right on that. 
Seth: You’re welcome Seth. Thanks for keeping on.
Seth: You’re welcome Seth. Your survival is my survival. 
Seth: Yes. It really is.


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Filed Under: Survival Resources Tagged With: grinch, holiday horror, tree of life

Survivors Rejoice As World Ends Right On Schedule – And Promptly Begins Again, Thanks to You

December 21, 2012 By Seth 3 Comments

The world is dead!  Long live the world!  Survivor reports today confirm the world did indeed meet its end last night, right on schedule, only to begin again, also right on schedule. Thanks to the hard work of survivors everywhere, the beginning of the beginning of the new Bak’tun has begun!

(We’re singing a new ‘tun and not a moment too soon. I think we can all agree that old Bak’tun just needed to go already.)

Survival Ball not the best way to make new Bak'tun breakfast.

The renewal of the world was officially confirmed by many, including my new friend, Professor and Mayan Daykeeper Leonzo Barreno, who woke me in my survival ball at 7:24 am to report the revival of the sun which followed the expected expiry of the old world at approximately 12:12 am.

(Leonzo doesn’t perform the traditional Daykeeper rituals anymore due to his bad knees and PhDs but he still reads the news up in Sasquatchewan.)

Eye-witness reports indicate our old world ended in the dead of night with neither a whimper nor with a bang but with a series of strange clicks and the lingering smell of raspberries.** While duly deputized Daykeepers dutifully performed the renewal rituals, Survivors scanned the horizon for signs of the new world- which finally appeared much to our relief, three minutes late, needing a good shower and looking much like the old one.

That’s why I’m approaching this new Bak’tun with extreme caution. The old world of 2012 was dangerous enough – relentless zombies, hot vampires, nuclear werewolves, melting ice, rude robots, drowsy draconians, boxes with sharp edges, leprechauns oh the leprechauns!… if you survived too, you know all about it.  I’m hopefully this new world will be better but you know what they say. The devil you know is still a devil. Unless he’s really a demon. Or a fallen angel. In any case you probably need a supernaturally good lawyer.

That said, I’m not sure I would recommend this Survival Ball. Made by Halliburton, I received it in the mail at the beginning of December along with a link to a promotional video that promised not just apocalyptic survival but excellent post-apocalyptic quality of life. The card said I could keep the ball free of charge in exchange for an SOS review. Which I fully intend to write if I can just finish making my first breakfast of the new Bak’tun.

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Breaking Survival News: World Not Ending Dec 21, 2012 – Some Assembly May Be Required

December 20, 2012 By Seth 6 Comments

For survivors who maybe forgot to set an alert, a quick update – there’s a thing where the Mayan calendar is about to run out, without which there allegedly can be no more time. Hence the end of the world business. Now being that my survival depends on your survival and that your and my survival depends on the continued existence of the world this seemed like a pretty big deal to me so as many of you already know, I set about finding a way to stop this from happening.

I am happy to announce that after weeks of research and consulting with reluctant Mayan Daykeeper Professor Leonzo Barreno I have the solution! Even though technically it turns out there never was a problem. But since when is that a good reason to stop looking for a solution? Any really good solution will make its own problem. No problem! As it turns out, our Mayan friends have provided us with a way that we can all survive and contribute to the cyclical renewal of time. MORE MAYAN CALENDAR!!  So simple. We just have to flip the page so to speak from the 12th baktun cycle to the 13th baktun cycle, before or after performing whatever seasonal observance or ceremony your tradition prescribes.

Here is a small sample of that Calendar, just enough to flip over from December 20 to December 21 and get us over that little end of the world speed bump:

The last big stone calendar that the Mayans had made way back in the day went up to December 20, 2012 but they actually have a system whereby we can keep just constructing additional calendars kind of like the way we do each year except they make us look lazy in comparison because while we only bother to make 365 days at a time their calendars last hundreds of years.

So it turns out that the world actually won’t end until October 13, 4772 when the Mayan calendar really finally runs out (that’s the day that we run out of Baktun!). Now that is a long time away for us humans but for some of our immortal or long-lived brethren here on the site that is really pretty close so I suggest you start planning. You have less than 2760 years left to get your affairs in order.

So the world won’t end on December 21, 2012 but you do have to help out to make sure that it doesn’t suffer significant calamity as a result of there being wide-spread panic, chaos, looting, rioting and general weirdness on Friday due to everyone thinking that the world is about to end.

So to that end please use all available methods including Facebook, twitter and email and even talking to share this picture and let everyone know that everything will be okay and that we don’t have to start worrying about this again until 2759 years from now. Until then heed Professor Daykeeper’s words and keep the light of hope alive in this darkest time of year, in whatever tradition you choose.

So keep on keeping on and happy 13 baktun 0 katun 0 tun 0 winal 0 kin 4 Ajaw 3 K’ank’in to you and yours.

Somewhat Related Articles:

*Last Living Daykeeper to Humanity – Leave Me Alone!

*The Yule Cat Cometh! Are You Preparethed? 

*Deck The Tree with Boughs of Bacon  – IF YOU WANT TO LIVE! Darkest Dark Night Decorating

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Filed Under: Survival Resources Tagged With: 2012, Mayans

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