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Olympics: Betting on UFOs

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) London – It seemed like an easy bet, with a big cash payout. London gambling houses like William Hill, offering 1,000 to 1 odds on the appearance of a UFO over the opening ceremony of the Olympic games. 

Not surprisingly, both aliens and humans alike flocked to the Internet to get a piece of this lucrative action, only to discover some unexpected fine print.

“Graham, we can’t lose!” said one anonymous better who was totally not me. “Look at the director of the opening ceremonies. Danny Boyle? Get it? What is Danny Boyle’s big new gig? ALIENS 4. Unidentified Flying Objects are practically GUARANTEED! How much money you got?”

Betters like this were later shocked and appalled to discover, however, the real wording of the bet in question. Read on!

Sure thing: 1,000 to 1 bet on UFOs at the Olympic ceremonies?

Graham was still skeptical until I pointed out that even if the director wasn’t Danny Boyle who is currently deep in alien research for his upcoming job, it has already been a record year for UFO sightings. A study released on Tuesday by UFOlogists says there have been at least three sightings every single day so far in 2012.

Okay so the majority of these UFO sightings have been mysterious lights, spheres and boomerangs, but still. Three a day!

And if that’s not enough to consider, consider this. What alien kicking around the earth, indeed on this site, could resist these odds. (Are you hearing me Dazai? Tikiria Ishiu?) Sure, security will be a little tight, but just a little fly by and click-click – it would be enough to make us all rich.

Well it took some convincing but I finally got Graham on board and called the betting house of William Hill. Who proceeded to get all technical with me. Now it seems the 1,000 to one odds are being offered for the appearance of specifically, a flying saucer during the opening ceremonies. Not a UFO. Specifically a flying saucer. Nothing less. What self-respecting alien drives a flying saucer anymore?

The clerk I spoke to was unable to answer this simple question or define what exactly would constitute a flying saucer. I’ll keep trying to find out. Meanwhile, if you have or know of anyone who has, a flying saucer, I urge you to contact the site at your earliest possible convenience so we can make arrangements to save Graham’s money.

GOOD NEWS-BAD NEWS UPDATE: Several flying saucers like the one below were indeed spotted over the opening ceremonies of the Olympics! Unfortunately, it seems like the aliens inside them may be looking for a cut of the profits. Hopefully they’re looking for money and not an superior athletic chest cavity in which to procreate. Stay tuned!

Flying saucer bet pays off but will aliens take it all?

Coming Soon: 1,266 Immortal Cyborg Billionaires

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF??) Finally someone with a solution to the plight of the poor human billionaires. After accumulating enough money to live forever, many of the worlds’ richest humans remain trapped in dying mortal bodies, just like the poorest of the poor. Until now.

This week Russian media entrepreneur Dmitry Itskov has formally invited the worlds 1,266 richest people to become part of his billionaire cyborg project, called the 2045 Initiative.

Will human billionaires live forever as cyborgs?

Mr. Itskov’s plan is to turn the richest humans on earth into holographic humanoids who can hoard their riches for all eternity, without having to worry about greedy widows who might squander their legacy on art school and/or bad marriages.

By 2045, instead of going quietly into the good night while your ungrateful heirs ransack your offshore accounts, Dmitry will have you trading stocks and playing online poker and golf with your billionaire buddies forever, never passing on a penny.

But you say, what if I’m a poor billionaire due to die before the year 2045?

Fear not. Mr. Itskov has thought of everything. Until your hologram is ready, he will provide you with a robot copy of your human body by 2015 that you can drive around with your brain for five years until your first Avatar is ready.

Your custom avatar body should be ready to receive your transplanted billionaire brain by the year 2020. But that’s not all. There’s more. You only have to live as a transplanted brain for five more years.

Billionaires plan your e-eternity with Dmitry

In 2025, Mr. Itskov will extract your consciousness from the organic tissue and transplant it, or program it, into a nice, fresh new artificial brain in an Avatar body of your choice.

This stage in the year 2030 will mark the end of your official human life, and while the last of your organic brain matter may be fed to the zombie hordes (It’s true! Check the fine print.) this is just the beginning of your future as a swinging billionaire hologram.

Because that’s the last step. By 2045 you too can be a hoarding holograph with all the electronic eternity that money can buy. You just have to trust it all to a 31 year-old Russian Star Trek fan. How bad can it be? Sure he’ll probably make a reality show about your e-eternity but isn’t it about time?

Cool as a Cyborg

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) We can all agree that cyborgs and werewolves normally have very little in common, one being a hot-tempered lycomorph and the other a paragon of perfect reason.

But at the height of these dog days, in the wake of nasty solar flares, almost no other being can sympathize with a werewolf like your average cyborg.

(Except maybe zombies who experience a rapid acceleration of their already accelerated decay.)

Okay maybe they don’t exactly sympathize, after all they’re still cyborgs, but you get the idea. While werewolves struggle with the fury of fur, cyborgs in the city are crashing all around us these days, especially older models with obsolete cooling technology. You see them everywhere stalled in the shade with blank expressions, just waiting to be rebooted on a cooler day. Or roaming the stores, sucking up all the air conditioning in one location after another.

So if have a cyborg friend or a you are a cyborg, a reminder these days to wear your coolest clothes is in order. Like this cooling vest worn at the Beijing Olympics by cyborg competitors like this gold medalist in the hundred yard handsome. The vest circulates cooling fluid in a fun pattern that says, yeah I’m hot but I’m still cool…

Older model cooling vests have handy pockets for gel packs.

But if you don’t want to run the risk – or expense  of a handsome high-tech unit like the one above, older model vests feature hidden pockets for cooling gel packs.

Just put them in the freezer at night and slip them in your pocket before you go outside. Sure you look a bit like a Walmart greeter, but so? That’s an honorable job and besides, it’s better to be cool than to look cool.

But on that note, why bother with a special vest at all? Why not invent your own personal polar technology?

Like this super highttech cooling hat for instance:

Super high tech cooling cap

This hat uses the wonder of running H2O technology and the freezification potential of your own refrigerator to create a personal polar ice cap that is perfectly molded to the shape of your head. Simply soak and freeze the night before you need it.

But why stop at your cap? Why not soak and freeze your entire ensemble, from your tie to your undies? Okay, yeah, it’s a little hard to put it on. Sure, it loses some of its shape. But won’t it be worth it?**

Got any other tips or tricks to help us all survive the scorching days of  the dog? Thanks for sharing them and of course, thanks for keeping on.

**Some users may experience isolated episodes of brain freeze

***SOS not responsible for any short-circuits that may result from melting ice caps.

Friday the 13th, Part III Today

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Well it’s finally here, and so far it’s going pretty good, knock on wood, the most dread day of 2012, the third Friday the 13th, in other words: Friday the 13th Part 3.

Of all the events to mark this momentous year: one super moon, the end of the Mayan calendar, the transit of venus, the blue moon in August – did I leave anything out? – of ALL of them, the third Friday the 13th of the year, is the most dreaded day of all.

Beware it's the 3rd Friday the 13th of 2012!

Why? Because it marks the day and the sequel that saw one of the most famous psychopaths of all time return in a hockey mask to Camp Crystal Lake with knitting needles and knives in what most agree is among the goriest, saddest and possibly the worst killing sprees of all time.

Also because as everyone knows, three is the magic number, and this is the third Friday the 13 of 2012. The result is widespread fear about a possible wave of terrible Friday the 13th Part 3 homage events breaking out around the globe.

But luckily, perhaps due to the numerous changes in video format since Part 3 was first unleashed or maybe due to its generally agreed upon lameness, there have been NO reports of terrifying Friday the 13 Part 3 events to mar the day. Yet.

There is still time and as everyone knows, Jason always comes out at night! On the lake. Just when you least expect him. Like when you’re taking a little snooze in the middle of the lake in your boat or when you decide it would be the perfect time to try skinny dipping at Camp Crystal Lake, the site of two previous teen massacres…

Watch out for psychopathic Friday the 13 Part 3 Homagers Today

You get the idea. So smart survivors should never underestimate the cult appeal of this proven Hollywood franchise tonight.

As night falls, please watch out for strangers in hockey masks and coveralls. If there are knitting needles in your home, hide them immediately. Got a sudden urge to go skinny dipping? JUST DON’T! And if you are staying at a lake tonight? Stay off it tonight, whatever you do.

In fact, stay away from all lakes. And showers while you’re at it. Maybe he can’t fit through the water pipes like Jaws, but still, the water? You never know.

As always, your survival is my survival!

Does This Mean War?

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Hail Survivors,

Below please find a news story contributed by one of the many awesome survivors here on the site, Ice. If you have any supernatural news that you care to write about email it to me and I’ll likely post it. Someday soon I will enable some new features that will allow survivors to write articles and post them directly but in the meantime just email them to me.

Thanks for the awesome article Ice! Keep on keeping on.

Seth

 

How do you wage war on the sun?

Does This Mean War?

On July 12 at 16:53 UT, a X1.4 class solar flare occurred on the surface of the sun. It creates massive amounts of UV and X-ray radiation, which along with a CME or Coronal Mass Ejection that are being propelled towards earth.

Now for those of us who don’t speak really complex science here’s the translation: at 16:53 universal time a really big solar flare occurred on the sun. It shot a lot of radiation that can mess with radio signals and electronics directly at earth. The question is, why?

We all remember earlier this year the solar flare that produced the Aura Borealis and the writing on the ice caps that sent a clear message from the Solar Draconians i.e. “We will burn you.” but until now they’ve been mostly quiet.

Link to earlier post referenced above: Solar Dragons staring Draconian civil war

Why attack now?  Were they waiting for us to lower our guard? Were they waiting for certain conditions such as the drought that has sticken most of the U.S. to attack? Was it even the Draconians or perhaps an angry sun god? And how will the governments react? The U.S. Is already making an effort to get all of their satellites out of the way of the solar radiation which will hit approximately July 15. Will they go one step further and declare war on the sun? And how would one wage war on the sun?

Stay tuned (assuming all technology isn’t wiped out.)

Ice

Angry Solar Dragons!

The Walking Moai

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Scientists have finally proven it, once and for all. Stone giants known as Moai, do indeed walk on Easter Island.

In fact, National Geographic scientists have finally caught one in the act of walking!

An SOS truer-than-true story in progress…

When will the Moai walk again?

It’s common knowledge these great stone Moai are actually the revered elders of the Rapa Nui, a magical people who grow to an average height of 13.3 feet tall and weigh around 12 tons at the end of their lives.

Island legends have long maintained these ossified elders would take one final walk to the coast, over 18 miles away from the village, where they would line up for all eternity, keeping watch over their families but never lifting a finger again.

But ever-skeptical scientists refused to believe that stone giants that big could ever walk, let alone that far. They argued that rollers and pulleys must have been used to haul these aged ancestors to the coast so they could stand sentinel for all eternity.

Until just weeks ago, scientists with National Geographic finally succeeded in trapping a real live walking Moai:

Giants snared walking to the coast.

This 10-foot, 5 ton Moai walked right into the scientists’ snare and danced with them all the way to the coast where it became the youngest of over 800 stone giants standing guard over the Rapa Nui people.

“The statue just did its thing,” stated scientist Terry Hunt who led the statue trapping expedition.

Terry adds that he hopes this means there will be more stone giants walking, dancing and even racing across the Easter Island sometime very soon! But nobody is sure how long it will be before another Moai decides to take a walk as Moai time moves more slowly than human time.

Meanwhile Easter Island officials are very concerned about Moai hunters flocking to the island in search of a giant pet rock. They remind tourists that these great stone humans are sacred representations of real Rapa Nui elders, and are not to be treated like a boss capture in some video game.

Further, survivors are advised that if these stone giants are indeed on the move again, any attempt to capture one and turn it into a giant pet could prove fatal. Sure you might impress your friends and family for a while, but do you really want an 80 ton elder asleep on your foot for all eternity?

Probably not. So until we have confirmation that all of these so-called scientists made it back alive, remember if you spot a Moai on the move, please clear the path immediately. Do not interrupt progress to the coast.