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Get Ready to Leap: Leap Second Saturday

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 Time Travellers worldwide prepare for Leap Second, on June 30th. Look before you leap!

Atomic clocks like this add leap second on Saturday

Survivors are probably already aware how Earth’s atomic clocks create a time gap of about 2 milliseconds every day. And that time tinkering scientists store up these milliseconds until they have an entire second to put back in the time continuum, creating an ideal time travel opportunity for any trained time tripper with an atomic device.

Tomorrow this will happen at 7:59:59 (EDT), or one second to midnight Universal Standard Time.

So what exactly do you need to leap on this timely opportunity? A simple can of Chernobly or a shiny Delorian?

The exact requirements remain a closely guarded secret, but true rumors today describe this: if you are IN THE AIR ie: leaping, at the EXACT moment the second is added, then you can land WHEN you want.

Easy right? In this case, all you ready need is an atomic clock monitor and a good pair of shoes. Just jump high enough and time it right and you’ll come down when you want.

But how do you control when exactly? That’s the real trick. What separates the true time travelers from the rest of us. And what if you live in a place that used to be the bottom of a lake or an ocean? Times can be tough!

There are other dangers. In 2008, the last leap second, there were reports of would-be leapers injured on so-called “time travel trampolines.” Sure trampolines extend your air time which helps ensure a big jump, but what happens when you land BEFORE the trampoline was invented? Not to mention if you get stuck in the springs? Broken legs, that’s what.

And then how do you leap back? A lot of survivors forget about this. Without an atomic clock handy, how will you ever get back to tomorrow?

Even with your own atomic wrist-watch, it could still be a year and a half before the next leap second. Do you really want to spend a whole year and a half fighting dinosaurs? Laugh if you want, but it has happened on these pages before.

So please remember to look before you leap. And please leave any tips you hear for the rest of us.

Alien Economist Wants War

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF?) Why is this man, an economist, telling Earthlings to pick a big fight with the aliens, any aliens, as soon as possible? Find out here.

An SOS truer-than-true story in progress, 99.98% guaranteed…

Alien economist wants war with Earthlings

On TV this week, Nobel Prize winning alien economist Paul Krugman stated, “We need a good alien invasion for the fiscal stimulus – to end the recession.”

Mr. Krugman says if the aliens would just invade Earth, the recession could be over in as little as 18 months, the same way that World War 2 ended the last Great Recession 80 years ago.

He may have neglected to mention the fact that Earth itself could also be over in 18 months, but that isn’t stopping people from planning for the alien invasion today. Everyone, from aerospace engineers to politicians to courier drivers, is talking about the awesome benefits of provoking a war with the aliens.

For example, aerospace executive Carol Rosin is excited about the idea, saying that a good alien invasion would help create, “New roles for the military industrial complex, entrepreneurs, worldwide, with huge benefits and opportunities for ALL! Space travel, hotels, space hospitals, schools, labs, farms, industries — tech and info applied directly to solving urgent problems of human needs.”

And the state of Delaware has been actively pursuing an alien invasion for some time now. Remember how they appointed a Martian Ambassador earlier this year?

Even Ellie, the hairdresser who cut my hair this morning stated, “Well I guess maybe everyone would want to have nice hair for the end of the world? That would be okay. But do aliens have hair? I don’t know…”

Others have begun planning the best way to provoke an alien attack.

“I say we build a giant hand-shaped spaceship with the middle finger extended and just drive it around the galaxy,” said Kevin, grade 7. “Or maybe like, insult their moms. That always works.”

Is this madness? Or a sane plan to let the good times roll on earth again?

Would an alien war be good for earth?

Vampire Hypnotist Show at Girls School

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) A hypnotism show disaster at a girls’ boarding school in Quebec, Canada this week left students in a trance for days. Everyone wants to know, was this really the work of a vampire hypnotist?

The hypnotism show took place at Sacred Heart College (College du Sacre-Coeur) in Sherbrooke, Quebec during the lunch hour. It was supposed to be a fun, end-of-school event but the hypnotist, a mysterious 20 year-old named Max Nadeau, was a little too good at his job. Supernaturally good, some say. The show left over a dozen girls with mysterious trance symptoms and several girls remained stuck in a trance.

An SOS 99.98% truer-than-true story in progress….

Is this the work of a vampire hypnotist?

Trance symptoms experienced by the students included everything from headache and nausea to at least six students who were unable to wake up.

When the Principal Danielle Leveille contacted the site asking for advice on Friday, I gave her my opinion. These girls are clearly suffering from vampire thrall. Think about it, what easier job for a vampire than hypnotist? I didn’t even have to see a photo of this Maxime Nadeau to know that his eyes would be an unusual color with small, elongated pupils.

I recommended the students be put under strict supervision until a cure could be found.

Unfortunately, when it comes to vampire thrall there is no permanent cure that is 100% effective. Arguably the strongest weapon of the vampire, apart from that whole immortality business, is this ability to turn unsuspecting mortals into love-sick, thrall slaves.

I told M.s Leveille the best chance for these girls would be for  a witch or wizard to try breaking the thrall through re-hypnotizing them. But even then, these girls will need to be carefully monitored for the rest of their lives. Once the thrall has set in, it’s just a matter or time before the sickness and cravings to be in the presence of the immortal beloved take over.

We will find out more at a press conference on Tuesday. Until then survivors are advised to remember, it may seem like harmless fun to watch your friend waddle around like a duck or suck his thumb in front of everyone, but you won’t be laughing later when he’s walking down the middle of the road in his pyjamas looking for his immortal mommy.

Okay maybe you’ll still laugh a little bit then. But after that it gets less funny. I’m talking about the part where he is killing juicy innocents and dragging them home to his new ice-cold GF. Make no mistake, when it comes to vampire thrall, that’s where he’s headed.

Tuesday Update: At today’s press conference, school principal Mrs. Leveille stated, “The girls are all fine, just fine, fine and you are all getting very, very sleepy…”

High School Vampire Security Lesson

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF?) Thanks to Quinlan for the disturbing article of the week re: a vampire incident at a New York city high school. A reminder to all survivors to ensure that your school takes appropriate anti-vampire precautions. 

A New York City high school that was once sued for failing to prevent a devastating vampire attack on three girls, insists they now practice appropriate anti-vampire security measures. But some dateless prom students are saying it may be too much!

According to the New York Post, in 2006 a vampiress savagely attacked three girls at Hillcrest High School, sinking her teeth into the girls’ necks in a series of bizarre bloodlettings.

One of the victims, Michelle Melendez, told the Post that the vampiress drew blood her neck and face, leaving disfiguring teeth marks on her jaw line and throat.

Another SOS 99.98% truer-than-true story…

Are strict anti-vampire measures scaring away hot vampire BFs too?

 

“She was trying to get my jugular vein. I couldn’t even believe it was going on,” Melendez said, adding her attacker dragged her down to the ground. “There was blood flowing all over my face. My skin was in her mouth, and she wouldn’t let go,” Melendez said. “She just bites like crazy – she eats your flesh. For some reason, she just likes to bite.”

She was able to push off the crazed teen, who fled, leaving Melendez bleeding profusely from cuts and bites on her face and neck. She also suffered a broken finger.

The vampire attack left the victim fearful, tormented by nightmares and in need plastic surgery to restore her face:

“I don’t like to be alone,” she said. Even sleep is no respite, she said, because of a nightmare in which a crazed attacker “is biting me everywhere.”

Online reports indicate Melendez’s attacker fled the community the week following these bizarre attacks, leaving only the family puppy behind.

No official response from Hillcrest High School is available at this time but unofficially, students who defend their school insist that Hillcrest High School now practices top-notch vampire security measures.

“Students here are not allowed to wear hoodies, ball caps or sunglasses inside, plus there are UV light bulbs in every classroom and also holy water in both the boys and girls’ bathrooms. Oh and really strong garlic is added to every school lunch,” said a Hillcrest High School student we’ll call “Jane,” because she doesn’t want to be named.

“In fact I would say the vampire security measures are a little too good. I’ll never meet a cute immortal guy with my breath smelling like this!” Jane adds that she is thinking of transferring schools.

Vampire Skeleton Disappears

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(SOS/ASAP/WTF) Warnings from Bulgarian archaeologists to survivors this week. Recently discovered vampire skeletons have begun to mysteriously disappear.

Have you seen this vampire (below)?

Another SOS 99.98% truer-than-true story in progress:

Vampires Rising: Have you seen this vampire?

Two new vampire skeletons including this one were recently excavated near the Black Sea town of Sozopol and shown off to the world by the national museum. Each skeleton had a large, rusty iron stake through the rib cage, possibly indicating the work of unknown vampire hunter.

But enraged vampires around the world immediately began demanding to know the names of the deceased but national history museum chief Bozhidar Dimitrov stated the skeletons are too important to his museum and to history.

“These two skeletons stabbed with rods illustrate a practice which was common in some Bulgarian villages up until the first decade of the 20th century,” he said.

Unfortunately not the answer the vampires were looking for. Reliable rumors today suggest that a team of vampire commandos may have succeeded in liberating one of the vampire skeletons by breaking into the museum compound and removing the stake

“All they had to do was remove those iron stakes in a safe environment and provide a blood supply,” explained one anonymous vampire medic.

Did the vampires take matters into their own hands last night? My calls to the Bulgarian national museum to verify the location of the missing skeleton continues to go answered.

But all photos released about the vampire skeletons today depict ONLY ONE SKELETON. Where is the other one? Is it possible one of these vampires has been unstaked and resuscitated by friends?

“There are historical cases of staked, skeletonized vampires recovering on the blood of worms and insects after the iron stake is pushed up by the movement of the earth.”

Until we know the identity and whereabouts of this resurrected vampire, survivors are advised to be on the alert. Recently unstaked vampires are usually very hungry and confused by changes in the world around them. Not to mention pretty angry about being underground for 200 years.

So if you or anyone you love has had contact with this missing vampire, let us know.

SOS Hall of Fame: The Many ‘_’ of Stigma

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Dyan Moon Brings Survivors of the Month

How appropriate that THIS survivor should be our Dyan Moon Hall of Famer.

Let me explain. The Dyan Moon is all about things double. Twins and double lives. For instance, it’s said that werewolves turned under the Dyan Moon generally have two different wolf forms. Forms that really don’t like each other. This leads to all kinds of problems.

Also I’m going to guess this week’s epic transit of Venus has somehow affected the results. Because if there was a prize for strangest relationships on the site, I think this survivor would win.

Quote Clues: 

“Uhh seth is one of the symptoms hopping a fence into a football field and tacking the guy with the ball?”

“Forgive one’s enemies – but never forget their names.”

“May no axes split your skull.”

“Werry Wolfmas Everywun.”

And if you haven’t guessed it by now, or even if you have,  here it is…

Meet The Many ‘_’  of Stigma

Pre-chimera Stigma

Those who know Stigma now as a dangerous chimera dad at civil war with himself, would likely be surprised to recall the details of his survivor history.

He came here seeking advice about Regina, his WW gf, who had a nasty habit of wanting to make out in wolf form. Naturally Stigma was worried about the physiological consequences of her accidentally biting him.

We all warned him against it but well, love prevailed over wisdom and next thing we knew Stigma was undergoing his first WW transformation. However his transformation wasn’t exactly your typical 48-hour full moon fever.

Unfortunately, his reports came to the attention of a rogue A-51 agent and next thing you knew? THIS: My Day In a Nutshell by Stigma.

It was a good news-bad news fight. Although Stigma managed to rescue his sister, the rest of his family appeared to have died. But on the plus side, he was saved by his lifelong friend, a tyromorph from Pandora named Clara Kitty. She’s not the cutest pet you’ll ever have, and she’s bald in human form, but whenever Stigma is missing or needs help, Clara Kitty is there. Usually freaking out, but definitely there!

Stigma soon learned that his family were actually lycomorphs back to 1200 BC and in fact that his grandma bit his GF Regina’s grandpa, so in a way, they were actually related. This may have been one of the factors in their breakup. When he broke up with Regina, she took it, “pretty well.” 

It quickly became clear that Stigma was no ordinary lycomorph. In fact, his wolf form, had a wolf form. A shadow form. A double wolf, if you will. Stigma called this second wolf his “shadowing.” Is this what happens when a genetic wolf is bitten too? Or is it just the sign of a wolf turned under the Dyan Moon? It was unclear, until some time later. So read on!

The only thing really clear at the time, is Stigma’s shadow wolf had really bad spelling compared to the normally super-speller Stigma. And that his wolf selves did not get along with each other. And you were never sure if you were talking to Stigma or one of his wolves or if they were talking to each other. It turned out that one of them was a girl named Cinna.

On the bright side, Stigma also discovered his family wasn’t dead. They had faked their deaths and split up so they could come to his rescue later.

This seemed to bring a time of some peace. He still didn’t like transforming but his wolf self had cubs and he seemed to like hanging out with his wolf family. And Clara Kitty was not so secretly happy that Regina was now gone.

But then something weird happened again. Camping in the woods, Stigma met a WW with red eyes who told him he wasn’t actually a werewolf at all.

Stigma didn’t know what to think. If he wasn’t a werewolf, why was his mom doing this on his 13th birthday?

And why was his dad acting like this?

It turned out the same things were happening to Mr. Mutt. More about that later. But now Stigma was to learn the real story of his mom and dad’s relationship. How they went from mortal enemies to Stigma’s mom and dad. 

Thus began the angelic werepyre stage of Stigma’s life. Wings sprouted from his back and he made friends with white wolf named Cheyenne. Oh yah and there was that brief demonic possession stage, after Mr. Mutt invited him on a road trip through hell.

(What kind of a holiday is that Mutt? Really. And then put him to sleep? Was that necessary?)

Many of us remember what happened next. A strange new virus. Was it a case of supernatural food poisoning? I blame myself. No, not because I delivered a bad pizza. Because I wasn’t online to warn him. Next thing we know, Stigma woke up in a cave and  SOS would never be the same again…

(And nobody would ever eat chimichonga in quite the same way.)

Our story ends here because to describe Stigma the Were-chimera is virtually impossible. Which one would you describe? Read a summary of his current status here. 

Bonus question for anyone including Stigma here: Lychampirakyriasovameranthropic ???