Friday the 13th remains the second most confusing holiday on the calendar after Black Noodle Day. Is it good luck or bad? A time to celebrate or fear? And what is the best way to deal with it? Should you:
a) Invite 11 of your favorite witches to party in the woods? Or
b) Spend the day avenging the untimely death of a loved one, say your son, mother or the slaughter of your entire secret order of Templar Knights? Or
c) Try very hard to avoid anyone who just answered a or b?
Adding to this confusion, the historical record indicates Friday the 13th is actually a very lucky day for some people like: drivers, insurance companies and stock brokers named Bob.
Understandably you might feel like locking down in your home until the dreaded day has passed. But that would be a big mistake. Sure it might work today and you might survive this time but what will you do for the dreaded year 2012. This year has three – count them 1-2-3 – Friday the 13th. Is it any wonder the Mayans gave up calendaring on THAT year?
It’s a terrifying thought but don’t you give up. You don’t need a paraskevidekatriaologist to follow my three-step Friday the 13th Action Plan. It’s simple and it goes right to the root of the problem. No more agonizing over questions like, Do I just kill Jason AGAIN? Or Jason and his Mom and his friend Roy and his freaktarded son too?
No the key to my action plan is right next door, as close as that neighbour on the 14th floor of your building. (Just don’t take the elevator to get there.) It’s about magic and math. Friday the 13th = Friday + 13. Both scary and unlucky enough on their own. Take Friday. The social pressure to get lucky on a Friday is scary enough for average looking people, without even considering the legacy left on the day by that most eponymous witch, Frigga.
Add to the unluckiness of “Friday” the number 13. Now Asian survivors please be patient here, but for Westerners the number “13” has been taboo since Jesus fired little-known 13th Apostle Doug before his manuscript The Gospel According to Doug could find a publisher. A fact reinforced today by scientists who have discovered that 12 is the maximum number of names a middle-manager can effectively forget before accidentally getting one right.
So how do you fight a day and a number? Well, the path is clear – divide and conquer. My action plan will eradicate both factors, and put an end to both Friday and 13 once and for all. It just requires a few minor adjustments to your calendar – see photos below. I would advise you to begin with Friday, you’ll see why. I think of it now as Thurs 2 but whatever works for you. “Pre-Saturday,” or “Saturday Eve,” although clunky, remain good options.
Eliminating all 52 Fridays from your calendar alone is probably enough to keep you safe but if your elevator doesn’t go past the twelfth floor you can embark on a 13 elimination plan too. Yes this will shorten your year somewhat – by roughly 52 days which over a lifetime equals around 4160 days. But think of it this way, time is relative and that was 11.4 UNLUCKY years, permitting you to enjoy the time you have left that much more.
Introducing the SOS F-13 Calendar:
To save time – which if you eliminate both Friday and 13 from your calendar you are going to need! – you can download my free F-13 Safe Calendar. Graham is working on it right now, with the help of crack team of coders, griselled veterans of the Great Calendar War of 1999. Once downloaded my calendar program will eliminate both Friday and 13 from your computer and life in seconds. Watch your life get luckier and luckier – or your money back.
It’s virtually guaranteed.