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Friday the 13th Action Plan

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Friday the 13th remains the second most confusing holiday on the calendar after Black Noodle Day. Is it good luck or bad?  A time to celebrate or fear?  And what is the best way to deal with it? Should you:

Download for 2012.
Download for 2012.

a) Invite 11 of your favorite witches to party in the woods? Or

b) Spend the day avenging the untimely death of a loved one, say your son, mother or the slaughter of your entire secret order of Templar Knights? Or

c) Try very hard to avoid anyone who just answered a or b?

Adding to this confusion, the historical record indicates Friday the 13th is actually a very lucky day for some people like: drivers, insurance companies and stock brokers named Bob.

Understandably you might feel like locking down in your home until the dreaded day has passed. But that would be a big mistake. Sure it might work today and you might survive this time but what will you do for the dreaded year 2012. This year has three – count them 1-2-3 – Friday the 13th. Is it any wonder the Mayans gave up calendaring on THAT year?

It’s a terrifying thought but don’t you give up. You don’t need a paraskevidekatriaologist to follow my three-step Friday the 13th Action Plan. It’s simple and it goes right to the root of the problem. No more agonizing over questions like, Do I just kill Jason AGAIN? Or Jason and his Mom and his friend Roy and his freaktarded son too?

No the key to my action plan is right next door, as close as that neighbour on the 14th floor of your building.  (Just don’t take the elevator to get there.) It’s about magic and math. Friday the 13th = Friday + 13. Both scary and unlucky enough on their own. Take Friday. The social pressure to get lucky on a Friday is scary enough for average looking people, without even considering the legacy left on the day by that most eponymous witch, Frigga.

Add to the unluckiness of “Friday” the number 13. Now Asian survivors please be patient here, but for Westerners the number “13” has been taboo since Jesus fired little-known 13th Apostle Doug before his manuscript The Gospel According to Doug could find a publisher. A fact reinforced today by scientists who have discovered that 12 is the maximum number of names a middle-manager can effectively forget before accidentally getting one right.

So how do you fight a day and a number? Well, the path is clear – divide and conquer. My action plan will eradicate both factors, and put an end to both Friday and 13 once and for all. It just requires a few minor adjustments to your calendar – see photos below. I would advise you to begin with Friday, you’ll see why. I think of it now as Thurs 2 but whatever works for you. “Pre-Saturday,” or “Saturday Eve,” although clunky, remain good options.

Eliminating all 52 Fridays from your calendar alone is probably enough to keep you safe but if your elevator doesn’t go past the twelfth floor you can embark on a 13 elimination plan too. Yes this will shorten your year somewhat – by roughly 52 days which over a lifetime equals around 4160 days. But think of it this way, time is relative and that was 11.4 UNLUCKY years, permitting you to enjoy the time you have left that much more.

Introducing the SOS F-13 Calendar:

To save time – which if you eliminate both Friday and 13 from your calendar you are going to need! – you can download my free F-13 Safe Calendar. Graham is working on it right now, with the help of crack team of coders, griselled veterans of the Great Calendar War of 1999. Once downloaded my calendar program will eliminate both Friday and 13 from your computer and life in seconds. Watch your life get luckier and luckier – or your money back.

It’s virtually guaranteed.

Meet Dren: Survivor Of The Month

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Well, this Survivor of the Month is a bit of a surprise. A newer, more recent survivor, comparatively speaking.

Some Quotes: 

“I know a guy who knew a guy who was eaten by a horde of angry mimes.”

“Pawns can become queens if they reach the end of the board.”

“Corny rhymes still have power, cure this man within thy hour!”

“Have some confidence. Throw out an insult every once and a while just to let them know you mean business. ” ***

***please note: SOS does not guarantee or endorse this as a survival strategy!

10 Fun Facts About This Survivor of the Month: 

1. Knows all about “itgillians” but still hasn’t told us what an “itgillian” is. Cruel. Very cruel.

2. Is prone to occasional uncontrolled bouts of third-personing.

3.Objects to being called an “OTHER.”

4. Friends in high places. Hangs out with Zeus.

5. Irresistible to female hawks.

6. Chiefly devoted to Raven’s survival.  And rubies. And killing Abstract.

7. And er, puppies and horses. (If your dog or horse is missing, please report.)

8. Hates being called a “fluffy pigeon.”

9. And never treat him as a taxi service.

10. Hates manticores.

And if you guessed this was DREN? You were right!

Corny Rhymes Still Have Powers: Some of Dren’s Finest Hours

Dren, a relative newcomer to the site, has made quite an impression in a short period of time.

Dren may have started out as a thin greenish humanoid but quickly revealed himself to be a high-flying griffin with a fully stocked island hideaway and the ability to shift into human form.  This is an important distinction here. He isn’t a human who shifts into griffin form. He’s a griffin who can assume human form.

(This appears to be one of the main impediments to his star-crossed relationship with Raven, who would have to assume griffin form to join him on his island.)

Dren is generous to a fault. He often invites other griffins and even reasonable dragons to hang out on his luxury (by griffin standards!) island retreat.

It’s a tendency that gets him into a trouble sometimes, like the time one of his guests left behind a frost dragon egg and he didn’t know what to do with it. (Spoiler: he contemplated being a dragon dad until Zyboragon convinced him to do the right thing.)

He’s also famous for making and giving away amulets via teleportation that use ruby-bound powers to temporarily turn you griffin. These amulets are very rare and valuable but don’t pawn them or you will be giving somebody a big shock. Also user beware, at least one user has reported seeing spots and passing out before it worked.

Dren’s missions here on the site include:

-making sure Raven is okay

-defeating Abstract

-growing his tribe of griffins which has already gone from 54 to 109. Altho several lost in the manticore war so I’m not sure of the exact count at this time

-defeat the manticores.

When he’s not doing any one of those important things, he might be reading up on stuff  in books like, Iceland: Portal for Demon Activity? 

So if Dren says hello to you, which he often does, unless you’re a manticore don’t be too afraid. Just don’t call him a fluffy pigeon or treat him like a taxi. And if he teleports you one of his amulets? Receiver beware.

And BTW Dren? I’m still waiting for mine…. 😉

Meet Bebe – Survivor of the Month

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This survivor famously once said,

“Hey you guys. Zyboragon,The One,and Time Kitsume this is not the time to fight each other let’s just get through this you can kill each other later if we survive.”

and this one is great too:

“You feel guilty because you’re good. If your evil you would feel nothing or superior.Eating ice cream and cookies always makes me feel better.You?”

and this one:

“How did I get here? Where am I? Why am I wearing bowling shoes?”

Ten Fun Facts about this Survivor:

1. Has a potion to make platanium clothing & armor. (That’s platinum + titanium. Not to be confused with PLANTAINIUM which is made from bananas.)

2. Holidays in the Kingdom of Sleep and can sometimes bring items from there into the real world because of a deal made by one of her ancestors.

3. As Mr. Mutt learned the hard way, you should NEVER lend this survivor your favorite book.

4. Can sometimes summon Supreme Fire from a ring.

5. Can make WW Scarly go invisible for days with no ability to touch anything.

6. Is a dagger expert, always reminds you to find the original sheath because their magic works together.

7. Once had a cyborg chauffeur. That didn’t work out very well.

8. Went on a vampire cruise with a bunch of other survivors… on purpose. Needless to say, regretted it.

9. Taught us all the hard way the dangers of roses, mysterious unattended bags and…

10. Loves blood orange and er, cat blood ice cream and cupcakes. (Please don’t call the SPCA. I have enough trouble from the zombie rights activists.)

Okay enough clues. If you haven’t guessed it by now the first Survivor of the Month is: Bebe.

WHY BEBE NEEDS A VACATION…

(And why you should think twice before going on one with her!)

It would be almost impossible to summarize everything Bebe has survived in the last few months. But I will try to hit some of the highlights. Please help correct the record in the comments below if I get it wrong.

First, the key to understanding Bebe. She is first and foremost a ninth generation witch, on her mother’s side. When she’s not saving your life, she’s getting you killed. She can heal you with spells that use bronze dust, vervain and simple salt among other ingredients.

She has a crystal wand and if you give her 777 ingredients and help her to crush some gems, she can make you a nice daywalker ring. (Just beware because unlike some witches, Bebe doesn’t make them subtle. She believes you need some bling in that ring.) It’s her job to tend the foyer and the Yule Log in the Great Witches Hall.

Recall Bebe also owns a very special, hidden bookstore, one that specializes in the preservation and restoration of rare and antique books and manuscripts.

(Of course we also know this didn’t stop Bebe from getting Mr. Mutt’s rare book of survival spells destroyed. Did she really copy & destroy it to save it? And where did she hide the pieces? But that’s another story which Alex sums up here.)

So how did Bebe end up as a quasi demonic vamp witch?

Well the record shows something going very wrong with the ninth generation of her family. Maybe an ancient deal or a truce or curse of judgement between one of her ancestors and a Vampire’s council known as the GVVC? We don’t know.

What is clear, is that an over-passionate vampire named Damion came to claim Bebe’s sister Vee and then later Bebe herself as an unwilling bride.

A team of survivors helped Bebe to escape Damion’s clutches a couple of times but unfortunately her sister Vee died in the process. And Bebe herself was not unscathed. Her sister Vee managed to bite her and it wasn’t long before Bebe’s comments devolved into the first of about a million….soooo thirsty! posts.

Also, her hair turned temporarily blue, her fingernails silver and she woke up wearing bowling shoes.  Can we blame Damion for the bowling shoes? Unclear. The good news is that Damion was finally defeated.

Unfortunately, Bebe’s little brother Spark, himself a crazy maze-making sorcerer is a sworn enemy of the vampires. Spark is the kind of guy who would trade his own kids for a dragonscale suit. In fact that’s exactly what he did. He also did not appreciate his sister being a vampire and now with Damion defeated, Bebe had to worry about her brother Spark instead. Could things get any worse?

Well yes. They did. In particular recall the Zanthre incident. Survivors on the site launched an offensive against this demonic trouble maker  who can cage you forever with your own shadow. It was a massive offensive, attracting a mysterious Soul Eater named Soulgard who joined the fray just to clean up the soul mess.

Then things went wrong. In the heat of battle, Bebe ended up fighting with Soulgard for her soul even though she wasn’t even dead. Bebe made a dangerous deal for her soul. She offered to recover defeated Damion’s soul and give that to Soulgard in exchange. This lead Bebe on a dangerous journey to recover Damion’s soul, which she trapped in a crystal around her neck and returned to the battle. But the battle  against Zanthre was heating up and suddenly Bebe needed to do something else with Damion’s soul.

To save her own life and increase her strength, Bebe swallowed the crystal containing Damion’s soul. This helped defeat Zanthre, but it left Bebe with a stomachache and some very questionable demonic powers. And what will happen to her if Soulgard ever comes back to claim the soul crystal?

There are lots of other exciting incidents and battles. A cyborg chauffeur briefly turned her into Bebe Bot. (Let’s not even talk about her demon twins TK and Zyborgana, it just makes Wolf Princess upset.) And she has really bad luck with roses. Around Bebe they always turn into something bad. Think fairies that take over your home. Or worse, fire flowers that threaten to destroy everything.

But back to the title. Here’s why you should think twice about going on vacation with Bebe. Yes, I’m talking about the vampire cruise. I guess we can forgive her for embracing her vampire side. After all she didn’t exactly choose to become one. No sooner has Bebe recruited all the survivalists but disaster strikes and it turns out to be a monster trap, the boat sinking and everyone trapped. 

Questionable vacay choices aside, Bebe is a great survivor with lots of good advice and helpful to everyone including me. Who else could teach you the real dangers of unattended bags? 

You probably won’t encounter the legendary Bebe on these pages anymore, but we have reason to believe she is still surviving out there somewhere, so maybe you or I will run into her at one of many Wych’s Fairs between the worlds. (If I can ever get there before they disappear!)

Wild Moon Good Friday

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Wild Moon Good Friday

The Wild Moon is almost here, adding to the Good of Friday and all weekend.

First with apologies to zombie activists everywhere, there will be no zombie theology here this year. If the zombies want to claim Jesus as their symbol of goodness and  undeadness, who am I to argue? I think it could be very beneficial for many zombies to follow his example. Besides, as Zyboragon says, Zombies have spiritual needs too.

(Besides, have you ever tried arguing with a zombie? Not easy.)

So with apologies to the zombies, but there will be no photos of zombie JC here this weekend.

No, this weekend is all about the Wild Moon bringing with it two new Survivors of the Month.

Quick contest recap: each helpful comment or report becomes one “ticket” that goes into a “hat” app. Then we  randomly pick the next two Survivors of the Month. These survivors receive an embarrassingly small prize ($10 iTunes card). Which is all a struggling Internet Survivalista like me can afford. But then the important part, the life-saving front page summary of their epic tales of survival to date. I’m working on them right now.

So check back on the Wild Moon whenever you can to find out the new Survivors of the Month and also on Saturday afternoon to catch the time-limited sneak peak of “My Lupine Life,” by Louis Pine.

Zombies claim Easter as Undead Holiday

“My Lupine Life” Sneak Preview Saturday

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As you may already know, SOS recently went on the road in response to urgent communications from survivor Louis Pine, a suspected genetic werewolf with grave concerns about his failure to transform under the full moon.

Many of us here on the site offered Louis our best tips and suggestions and we have all been eagerly awaiting the result of that advice ever since.

Unfortunately, shortly after our rescue mission, Louis went incommunicado and was reported missing.

Well wait no more. Three of Louis’ videos have turned up at Los Angeles Webfest, apparently sent there by Louis Pine himself.

In celebration of Louis’ apparent survival, there will be a sneak preview for survivors only here on the site the afternoon of Saturday, April 07.

So check in Saturday afternoon whenever it’s safe for you and see what happened to Louis. All I ask is that you don’t give it away.

And while you’re here, check out the Wild Moon Survivors of the Month, below.

Thanks to everyone for contributing to our survival and thanks to LA Webfest for finally finding Louis.