01/09/2011 – Over 3000 pairs of pants reported stolen today in 50 cities around the world due to a coordinated leprechaun attack on public transits riders. Unwitting stock brokers, teachers, students and buskers all going about their everyday business had their pants magically removed from their bodies, all at the same time.
“I didn’t even notice at first! I always study on the train,” explained dazed nursing student Cynthia, (photo above, glasses, reading Cosmo). “Okay so I wasn’t exactly studying I was reading Cosmo. And the weird thing about that is, I was just getting into this one article about how to get into his pants when I looked up and saw everybody’s pants were gone! So naturally I thought that I made it happen with my mind!”
Cynthia expressed surprise to learn the truth – leprechaun activity. Nobody knows when the leprechauns first began these senseless attacks. For years the world tried to cover up the social stigma that inevitably follows a leprechaun attack like this. Arriving home pantsless, husbands tell wives they’ve been cheating. Kids try to explain the new “pantsing” to their parents. Anything to avoid stating the obvious – I was robbed by leprechauns AGAIN! Emboldened the leprechauns began to step up their attacks, seeking out increasingly bigger and more public targets. Until finally in 2009, the leprechauns went global for the first time with worldwide assaults on all the major cities transit systems.
Having personally experienced this disquieting M.O. first hand, I can assure you it is no laughing matter. It’s not just about the loss of one’s dignity or a full half of one’s clothing, it’s mainly about the pockets. Pockets are very important places for keeping things. Important things like your last five dollars, your favorite swiss army knife and your mighty lint collection. Unfortunately most of these pants will never be recovered, let alone the precious contents of their pockets.