“Siri” a Sirious Threat – or Super Sidekick?

Sidekick Siri raises Sirious Concerns....
Recent conversation with Siri. I think she's starting to like me.

Important SOS news this week. Thanks to a tip from resident cyborg P5t5r, I may have found the perfect replacement for my fickle friend Graham. That’s right. I’m talking about Siri, the iPhone 4S robotic assistant.

First, full disclosure – I don’t have an Iphone 4S and will probably have to deliver a lot more than pizza before I can afford one. BUT that hasn’t stopped me from offering Siri the job as my new survival assistant. Like Graham, Siri can tell me the weather or how to contact CERN or when my library books are due.

Unlike Graham, Siri won’t get distracted or spooked or discouraged. She won’t ditch me for school work or drag me out looking for a new date or sip zombie lattes or let our complete and utter lack of coin interfere with the important mission of supernatural survival. That’s right Graham. I’m looking forward to offering your job to Siri. She’s everything I need now.

Of course I’m still at the pre-preliminary talking stages with Siri. But I think initial conversations have been going very well. For instance, I got in a good word to her on Saturday night in an elevator. This guy pulled out his iPhone 4S to ask Siri about show times and I managed to get in a few words with her before security was called (see transcript above). Needless to say I’m confident we can work something out really soon.

Of course, lots of people are saying it’s crazy to get involved with Siri, that she will just take over your life. Don’t let her pretty tree name fool you, she’s really the illegitimate daughter of Hal and Sal 9000. But until I see Siri cut off someone’s air supply and/or propel them into deep space, I’m still looking forward to the day I can convince Siri to be my new survival assistant.

So if you happen to spot Siri again before I do, could you put in a good word for me? Just make sure you’re not in an air lock first. Just to be on the safe side…

Mars 500 Crew Returns to Earth

Diego Urbina & Alexander Smolyeevsky collect Martian soil samples
Martian soil sample cover-up reveals truth about simulated Martian simulation.

Strange news from Moscow, planet Earth today. The six-man Mars 500 mission crew returned safely to earth after a 520 day round trip to the red planet, only to discover everybody on earth pretending they never even left.

“Simulation my a$%! I did not endure 520 days of Yue Wang’s lectures about hand-washing hygiene to go down in history as a “simulated” astronaut,” ranted Italian astronaut Diego Urbina. “Do I sound like a simulated astronaut to you?”

To prove his point, Diego offered to really punch me right in the head – an offer I declined. But I did promise to reveal the truth about his mission, that it was a very grueling, very real mission.

“Think about it. I’m an engineer, not an actor. Where are the martian soil samples we took? If that’s not real, why won’t they produce them? And what about our hair? That’s not simulated radiation-induced hair loss – that’s real. ”

But why would the Russian Institute for Biomedical Problems devise this elaborate ruse to convince the world that the Mars 500 crew never even left the earth?

“It’s the Kremlin. What do you expect? The truth?” laughed Mars 500 crew member, Russian Alexy Sitev.

“A lot of people still think the Apollo moon landing was faked,” pointed out another crew member, Roman Charles. “Maybe a simulated simulation is their way of ensuring the media gets the story right this time.”

But is it just clever PR? Or a massive cover-up to prevent a mad rush for Mars? To give Russia and the EU a chance to exploit Martian minerals without regulation before the cat’s out of the bag? Keep on keeping on to find out!

Not simulated hair loss!
Evidence of radiation-induced hair loss proves crew really went to Mars.