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Leprechauns: You May Be Dealing With A Leprechaun

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Hang onto your pants! In these troubled economic times leprechauns have become bolder and leprechaun incidents much more prevalent.

In the event of a leprechaun shake down here’s a list of do’s and don’ts.

DON’T:

  • Tell him the one about the Irishman who goes into the bar.
  • Ask her about her pot of gold.
  • Offer him a beer. Leprechauns have to work hard to stay sober and this white-knuckle sobriety leaves them prone to fits of killing rage.

DO:

  • Tell him you have a four leaf clover somewhere – even if you don’t. But do try to have one on you at all times just in case.
  • Throw a old shoe at her.  Leprechauns come from a proud tradition of OCD cordwainers. Confronted with a dirty shoe, the Leprechaun is compelled to fix and/or shine it.
  • Tell him he’s much taller in real life.
  • Look for her rainbow. Once located, you can use it to transport yourself away.**

** Caution: Use as a last resort as there is no way to predict where the rainbow will take you.

Aliens: How to Deal With An Alien

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alienDangerSign-Small-optDEALING WITH AN ALIEN or “VISITOR”

Aliens object to being called aliens, preferring the term, “visitor,” so never say, “Hey Alien please don’t incubate those eggs inside my chest cavity,” say “Hey visitor, I’m using that.”

Aliens or visitors are a diverse bunch. Consider: there are 9 trillion planets in our universe with an unknown number of species on each planet. So you’ll want to memorize the following 9 trillion rules for dealing with them…

Kidding! The point is there are no hard and fast rules for dealing with them, only guidelines and anecdotal reports that need to be updated all the time:

Anecdotal Report #1: Aliens or visitors love cat food and M & Ms. Mix the two together and carry them on you at all times. True or False?

Anecdotal Report #2: Aliens or visitors hate water. Arm yourself with an automatic water gun with lots of rounds, a wheelbarrow full of water balloons or just a good garden hose and watch them turn around. Confirm or correct?

Anecdotal Report #3: Aliens or visitors seek the warmth of your chest cavity to incubate their babies. You can fool them with a hyper-cooling ice vest like the kind worn by Olympic athletes in training. Please confirm or correct.

Anecdotal Report #4: When dealing with one hostile alien being who possibly wants to lay eggs in your warm chest cavity or hug your face with its tentacles, try the “Have You Met My Little Friend?” strategy. There are many complicated variations of this strategy but in short it involves introducing one hostile alien to another and hoping they will provoke a fight with each other, thus forgetting about you.

** UPDATE **

Hey Aliens, Friends of Aliens and people who are afraid of Aliens, there is new proof of alien life on Earth. Check out the photographic evidence of Aliens among us.

** UPDATE #2 **

And yet more proof of alien life on earth. You will want to wash your appendages after reading this article.

** UPDATE #3 **

An outpost has been discovered on Mars!

An amateur astronomer has discovered an image of what appears to be a structure on the surface of Mars. Is this evidence of life on Mars? Alien visitors to Mars? Has a secret colonization of Mars by Earth begun? No one knows for sure what the purpose of this structure may be or who built it or how long it has been there.

To see a video of it click/tap here http://sethonsurvival.com/?p=2418

** UPDATE #4 **
Delaware’s New Martian Ambassador

Delaware officially became the first Earth jurisdiction to open diplomatic relations with Mars. For more details visit this link: http://sethonsurvival.com/?p=3095

Werewolves: You May Be Dealing With A Werewolf

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1. Contrary to popular opinion, werewolves and vampires can be friends under the right circumstances. So ask yourself, are these the right circumstances? If the answer is no and you are a vampire or you are with a vampire? Time to run.

2. Silver. Real silver: bullets and accessories. A silver chain makes a nice belt and werewolf lead. NOTE: if it’s not real silver, it will just turn him green. A green werewolf is even more dangerous than one that is not green.

3. Look werewolf directly in the eye and growl in your best pack-leader voice, “SIT!” WARNING – This tip from Hollywood Dog Trainer Cesar Milan is controversial, indeed completely unsubstantiated. If your voice is not firm enough in the heat of werewolf battle, there is the risk you will just make him madder.

4. Got a muffin on you? Get it out, fast. Nothing makes a werewolf happier than a warm, fluffy muffin. Be prepared, download my proven fluffy anti-lycan muffin recipe.

5. If you have been or suspect that you have been bitten by a werewolf despite taking all precautionary measures, then you need 10 gallons of colloidal silver water *STAT*. I would advise that you make your own, it’s just cheaper. All you need is a battery, silver wire, a piece of real silverware or jewelry, and a gallon of water.

If you don’t have time to make your own colloidal silver water, gather up all the silverware in the house and toss it into a hot tub. Soak your whole body – not just the bite – in the tub for one hour. This should be long enough for the silver ions to penetrate your epidermis.

6. If you can’t beat them –  survive. When you get out of the tub, contact the other survivors at SOS for more advice. Life as a werewolf can actually be pretty good!

~~~ If  The Werewolf Is YOU! ~~~

As you may already know, current pathogenic research distinguishes acquired lycanthropy or “bitten werewolves” from genetic lycanthropic tendencies. So the first question to ask yourself is, are any of your parents or siblings werewolves?  Has there been a resurgence of ancestral threats i.e.: vampires in your community? There are many genetic werewolves on this site who know more than I do about this. You can read their comments below.

However if this is a bitten case, acquired lycanthropy will generally manifest by the next full moon or within a maximum of 28 days, according to the stages outlined below. Your first transformation is a very dangerous time – most new werewolves will not survive. So don’t be caught unprepared, read the advice and comments below.

In Stage I you will have a cut or wound that won’t heal normally and that you can’t exactly remember how you got it. Anecdotal reports indicate that dousing the wound with a simple colloidal silver solution from a health food store within 24 hours of infection could actually prevent the lycanthropic mutagens from spreading to your stem cells. If 24 hours has passed, you will notice your immune system begins to work overtime. This will look like a very severe cold. Are you suddenly sweaty for no apparent reason? You will spike a unaturally high fever, maybe even over 100 degrees according to some reports. You can try Tylenol but it won’t help this fever. You may vomit. Your friends and family will try to take you to the hospital but this is not advisable as Area 51 has doctors in every one. This stage is said to last for three to five days, depending on the phase of the moon.

In Stage II you will recover from this “cold” very very quickly and the bite mark will heal too. There is debate about whether it heals completely or leaves a telltale scar or “mark.” Maybe it depends to some extent on the size of the bite, this is unknown. If it does leave a mark, this is rumoured to serve as a sign to others re: pack affiliation. During this phase you will be almost supernaturally resistant to the cold, tempted to go outside without a coat or even a shirt. This is also not advisable. Especially if you are a girl. I’m just saying. You may have a sudden and inexplicable urge to run everywhere and yet never tire on arrival. You may try to lift heavy things for no other reason than to see if you can. Your sense of smell and hearing becomes acute – you may find you are able to identify people by odor or the sound of their footsteps even in very crowded rooms. Stage II should last another five days, again depending on the phase of the moon.

Stage III is the stage everyone thinks of when it comes to werewolves. The nails grow. And grow and grow. Did I mention that they grow? The hair grows too. The voice changes to a growl. And then there’s the anger! Being a werewolf is angry business. Even formally good-tempered beings find it impossible to not react when the flow of adrenaline-fueled anger begins coursing through their veins and their human side tries to rationalize it by pinning the reason on somebody else. So it’s very important during stage three to remind yourself that it’s NOT actually that #$%-ing clerk or that *&*^#& teacher or even that little brother – okay maybe it is that little brother – but NO!  It’s just your body adapting to the increased adrenaline load that comes with becoming a werewolf. This stage lasts until the full moon.

Stage IV, full moon fever. Regardless of how you got it, inherited or acquired, the final phase and your first transformation begins the day before the full moon. Don’t remain stuck in denial. Get to work building that secure werewolf crib, complete with silver bars on the windows, a lock on the door and a stash of muffins on the bed. Actually scratch the muffins. I have since learned the muffins work on werewolves in human form. For the full moon, it’s all about the meat! As much as you can fit under the bed. No time to build a crib? There are reports of werewolves renting moving trucks and box cars and driving into the middle of the desert. Of course you’ll need a friend you can trust to lock you in!

And read on! There’s lots more advice, stories and tips below from other werewolves like you!

For more specific info about different kinds of werewolves, visit YourLupineLife.com.

You can also download a free app for iPhone, iPod Touch and iPad made especially for werewolves called Lupine Life made by my friends over at YourLupine Life.com, It will help you find out what kind of moon you were born under and what type of werewolf you might be. It also has a handy full moon tracker that let’s you find the phase of the moon for any date over a 200 year range.

Finally if you are interested in werewolves you will want to watch Survivor Louis Pine’s video series chronicalling his Lupine Life: “My Lupine Life” By Louis Pine

 Or for further info, come back to SOS often, as there are often new findings submitted by survivors themselves. Here are a few popular links:

WEREWOLFGIRL describes a potion for non-genetic lycanthroporous transformation.

 WOLF PRINCESS’ crib research links:

 LYCANTHEPROTECTOR describing his three WW forms:

This list in eternal progress… check back often for updates.

 

 

 

Zombies!!! You May Be Dealing With A Zombie

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Breaking Zombie News – Zombie Outbreak In Texas!!! Click on the link to learn more.

DangerSign-zombieszombieYOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A ZOMBIE!

Sure dealing with zombies can be frustrating and even dangerous. But don’t panic. Zombies can make excellent room mates and friends if you just know how to deal with them.

First you need to perform a Zombie stage assessment to know how far along your friend or loved one is:

Stage I – Subject may be in the process of turning Zombie. Learn how to build a home quarantine for zombies here.

Stage II – Zombie has turned. Hunger is growing. Warning Strength and speed are amplified. Do not attempt to neutralize alone. Run away and skype sethonsurvival for back up.

Stage III – Zombie has seen better days. Burden of insatiable appetite and drooping parts has begun to slow Zombie down but still strong don’t be lulled into a false sense of security. Back away slowly and skype sethonsurvival for assistance.

Stage IV – You are dealing with a shambling oozer, decomposing before your very eyes. Watch out for flying, dropping, popping, oozing, spurting gooeyness.

In all cases, please report for back up. Never handle an alleged Zombie by yourself, unless you absolutely have to.

To learn more watch my Zombie Month Webisodes. Now viewable on your iOS device (iPhone, iPad, or iPod Touch). You can also watch them on YouTube!

Vampires: You May Be Dealing With A Vampire

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Probably the biggest threat posed by the preternaturally hot modern Vampires is the threat to your ego.

I’m talking about the damaging cycle of self-doubt you experience trying to date one. Don’t I smell good enough for her? What if she reads my thoughts right now when I’m thinking about picking my nose? Why is she acting like she just wants to just suck me dry? Can’t she see how eternally fascinating I could be?

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But hey that’s just me. I’m a man on the rebound so maybe my perspective is a little skewed.  If dating a vampire isn’t YOUR ultimate survival fantasy then you are advised to:

1. Beware their sexy hypnotic gaze – avoid eye contact!

2. Beware their sexy hypnotic bodies – don’t look!

3. Beware their sexy hypnotic voices – don’t listen!

4. Beware their sexy hypnotic marriage proposals. Think of how long FOREVER means to a vampire!

Failed on #1 – 4? CONGRATULATIONS. Lucky! Have fun but please try to recall all those safer sex tips from health class because your Vampire lover’s 19th Century high school curriculum DEFINITELY missed out on that part.

~~~IF YOU ARE A VAMPIRE~~~

Congratulations! Many consider vampires the penultimate survivors! Eternal life AND good looks – what more could you ask for? Socially acceptable nourishment needs? Look no further! On November 7, a team of scientists led by vampire Dr. Mick Bhatia discovered how to turn skin cells into blood cells just by manipulating a few proteins. No more snacking on squirrels and purse puppies! A fully viable liquid food source for ethical vampires may be mere moments away. (See it here at http://sethonsurvival.com/survival-news/vampire-researchers-make-blood-from-human-skin)

Of course there are still a few things to remain aware of as a vampire. Sunlight for one. The *we sparkle in sunlight!* campaign appears to be flaming out. While the sparklers had a good run, the facts are that while some younger and part vampires do in fact sparkle, the majority of older and full vampires still go up in flames when exposed to direct sunlight without magical or technological intervention. This is about more than sunscreen. If  you’re thinking of going vampire and you don’t have your own Day Walker ring yet, it’s time to invest. Finding a certified Day Walker ring is even more important than finding a vampire willing to change you. Don’t even consider one without the other. Valuable information about these rings is found in the comments below. Meanwhile vampire engineers and architects work overtime to design safer sun-proof vehicles and buildings.

Finally, let’s talk about your vampire thrall. Vampires need to be very careful (and considerate) when they are turning on the thrall power.  I’m not just talking about dating etiquette here. Aiming your hypnotic eye mojo on some poor mortal sucker might seem like a great way to get free blood and donuts but the consequences can be devastating for both parties. Thrall-sick love slaves who are repeatedly denied your dark gift will eventually go insane 99.99% of the time. And who do you think they turn on first? So please. If you can’t control it yet, keep your tractor beam behind protective sunglasses, even at night.

Cyborgs: You May Be Dealing With A Cyborg

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*Unplug Immediately – Go off grid – cease all electronic communication.

*Stop talking entirely. Remember cyborgs can read your lips. And those that can’t do it yet are learning from you all the time.

*Use alternate strategies to communicate with friends and family, think: pigeons, SOS signals, smoke signals.

*Magnetic jewelry will scramble any transmissions you are unwittingly sending. Find stylish options online or right here during cyborg month.

*If your name is Sarah Connor, consider changing it.

*Consider investing in protective gear like a “She’s Sarah Connor —>” t-shirt.

~~~IF THE CYBORG IS YOU!~~~

Well then, er greetings to you my new Overlord. Here’s a few hints for dealing with us inferior beings:

*Be aware that others may be intimidated by your prodigious processing powers even when your intentions are good. Find a reliable joke utility to set others at ease.

*Invest in a good skin job! This may seem like a lot of hassle when you would be perfectly happy to go around in nothing but a gleaming hyperalloy endoskeleton but trust me. The time you spend grooming that living-tissue overlay will pay off for you in terms of “soft power.” It’s all about face time with others. And no just a face is not enough! A disembodied face overlay is almost worse than nothing at all.

*Two words: speech therapy. True, most cyborgs can write circles around the rest of us, but for some reason this never applies to their speech patterns. A good speech therapist can help you find the idiot in your idiom so you can jazz up those short declarative sentences with the some elliptical emotes and vernacular verbiage.

-Protect your power source!  If cyborg’s have one vulnerability, this is it. Are you running on hydrogen fuel cells? Solar? Or geothermal? Be aware of the pros and cons of each. Before deciding on one, consider your downtime safety requirements along with worst-case disaster scenarios.

-And of course it goes without saying make sure you have a reliable back-up. I can’t stress this enough.
—- BREAKING CYBORG NEWS!!! —-
Click/tap on the link above for full details.