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Archives for October 2011

What’s New in Monstrometer 2.2?

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What’s new in Monstrometer 2.2? If you say it out loud you will discover that that I am a poet and I didn’t even know it.

The BIG change is that Graham and I fixed the way that the Survival Videos play. They were generally not working the way that you would want them to thanks to a change in the OS and we tried for months to fix it but now we finally figured it out. So if you never have before please take a look at the videos. There are lots of ways to get there including taping on the spot where it says Zombie Month right on the first page.

The logic to determine your Monster diagnosis has also been fine-tuned, increasing the Monstrometer’s overall accuracy by nearly 0.87%. Now I know that may not seem like much but it is a lot when you are dealing with something as accurate as the Monstrometer.

And while we have not added any new results to the database we have added a number of new questions to help diagnose your supernatural state.

For those who didn’t notice it was there before there is a “More” tab that contains all kinds of goodies like a monsters page with quick links to all of the Monstrometer Monster Report pages, the videos and more! (Hence the name)

The update has been uploaded to the App Store for approval and should be available for you to download soon. Probably in less than a week. Graham and I are already working on the next update which should be a little bit bigger. Maybe even including a new result.

Keep on keeping on.

Seth

P.S. Screenshots coming soon!

New Zombie Signs Controversy

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FHWA institutes new Z-Warning Protocol

New roadside Zombie Warning signs from the Federal Highway Administration (FHWA) stirring up controversy this week.

“What is this, a zombie crosswalk?” asked one anonymous survivor at the scene. “You see this big sign and the cones and what do you do? You have to slow down. By then your car is surrounded by zombies and it’s too late. Has everyone at the FHWA gone zombie?”

FHWA spokesperson Doug Hecox refuses to be on record to deny this charge that he and everyone at his department are likely in the advanced stages of transforming into zombies themselves.

“What?” he stated clearly on the phone just now before hanging up on me.

But some survivors point to the last line of text on the signs as proof the signs are definitely made by zombies.

“Zombies are the only beings who actually speak in netspeak. Think about it. It’s the only language they can still pronounce.”

Still the question remains, why did the zombie cross the road?  Is this an elaborate roadside trap? Or are they just trying to get to the other side?

Witches: You May Be Dealing With A Witch

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The good news is that if you’re not a king, queen, prince, principal, state official or school administrator, you likely have nothing to fear from witches.
DangerSign-Witches

UNLESS – you are destined to become a king, queen, prince, principal, state official or school administrator. In witch case, feel free to fear witches!

But if your destiny does not include any of these professions, you likely have nothing to fear from witches. Janitors for instance, have generally have nothing to fear from witches. In fact, night janitors routinely participate in secret ceremonies designed to summon witches on magic brooms.

If however your career aspirations lean toward the lofty or the official, then turn to the following principals when dealing with witches:

1. Talk about the weather. Witches love a good weather anomaly. If you haven’t seen any – MAKE ONE UP! Amphibian precipitation is a popular one but any one will do.

2. Speak to him in Latin! If possible, make it rhyme. For instance:  ILLIC QUONDOM ERAM A VIR EX NANTUCKETT…(“There once was a man from Nantuckett…”) Guaranteed to slow her down, if not scare her off.

3. Be open-minded. You could learn a lot as a frog or a tree. Some people pay witches a lot of money for this opportunity and you’re getting it for free!

Of Mermonsters and Mermaids: How to Handle the Mermish

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mermonsterDangerSign-Small-optMERMONSTER OR MERMAID

Trust me on this, true Mermish are not your maid! Behind those perky shells and streaming hair is a powerful aquatic being.

But with a few common sense rules you can minimize the threat posed to you by the mermish ie: mermaids and mermen, enchanted nymphs and naiads and assorted aquatic aliens:

1. Avoid water access points, the 3-Bs: boats, beaches and bathrooms.

2. Eliminate all waterways in your own home. Close the water pipes.

3. Do you own a fish pond, tank or bowl? Consider finding a new pet. Unless the thought of waking up with a giant Koi munching your eyeball is appealing to you.

4. Purchase one or more stylish, safety approved Life Vest or PFD (personal flotation device). Wear it at all times. You won’t see the wave coming until it’s too late.

5. Mermonsters love bubbles so if you see bubbles coming you might want to run. And you may also be able to distract an angry mermonster with a simple bubble blowing device long enough for you to get away.

6. Avoid  sewer grates especially during a heat wave. Not just because of the bad smell but because Mermonsters – particularly in landlocked cities – will take cover in the sewers to keep themselves moist and cool when nothing else is available. This is unpleasant business for any mermonster who is used to being very clean and it makes them very irritable. To pass the time they play TAG and TRIP with creatures who pass over the sewer grates. *All hail to Hails & Sereina for the great tip.*

IF THE  MERMONSTER IS YOU!

Ah, hi. Please don’t explode my drink in my face. I know you’re not a MONSTER monster. Mermaids are great. Really. Who doesn’t love mermaids? Besides fishermen and some sailors, everyone loves mermaids. There are lots of mermaids – men on the site below. Here are a few of the tips submitted by the Mermish on this site:

1. Always drink through a straw to minimize the chances of water touching your skin and triggering a fishy reaction when people are watching.

2. Some mermaids MUST bathe every 24 hours or they start to weaken and die. If you are this type of mermaid carry a spray bottle of water with you where ever you go.

3. Never let the fish follow you home. You may want to save them all, you but a floating fish in a bubble of water who follows you everywhere you go is like hanging a sign on you that says, “MERMISH.” Not a good idea.

Psychos: Dealing With Psychopaths

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psychoDangerSign-Small-optYOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A PSYCHOPATH

Psychopaths are terminally shallow, self-interested and self-gratifying. Dealing with psychopaths is never easy but here are some tips you can try:

1. Never show fear. They like it. Unless your psychopath is also a confirmed cannibal, in which case see: DANGER – YOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A CANNIBAL.

2. Snap a very unflattering photo of her. Think low angles, bad lighting, focus on her nostrils and double chin. Queue it up to Twitter immediately and threaten to *SEND*.  It could save your life.

3. Divert him! Psychopaths are terminally bored. The nihilistic vacuum of psychopathy leaves the average psychopathic killer wallowing in his own ennui and belly-button lint. Think of something of interest to him in his daily life, say the latest Black & Decker drill or even a handy psychopathy checklist.

4. Hang out with people who are hotter and more outgoing than you. I understand this runs counter to all dating advice which maintains you should pick friends who make you look gooder by comparison. But dating and psychopath avoidance are often related so you do well to re-examine this advice. Having only hotter, louder friends ensures that you will probably not be the primary target of a psychopath. Of course you may have to protect your hot friends later but never mind that. For now, just enjoy the free drinks, keep your eyes open and your mouth shut.

~~~If The Psychopath is You~~~

Don’t despair. A diagnosis in psychopathy doesn’t have to mean a life sentence of obsessive holiday killing sprees, if you don’t want it to. Due to the popularization of psychopathic diagnostic tools, more and more humans are being diagnosed as psychopathic every single day. You are not alone!

Many psychopaths successfully sublimate their murderous urges and go on to become great captains of middle management and all-round family folk. You can choose your own psycho-path.

Here’s a few tips from successful psychopaths who were once just like you:

1. Develop a code of ethics. Please do not rely on on your gut instincts about how to treat others. Unless you intend to do the opposite of what you feel. Do NOT develop this behavioural code on your own! Organized religions like Judaism, Islam and Christianity to name just a few have managed to distill some of the important points into a plan for you. Start by picking up one of their guiding tombs and crack it open to a random page.

Allow me demonstrate. Okay, here for example. The Bible. Old Testament so Judaism approved. Deuteronomy 18:10 reads:

Never sacrifice your son or daughter as a burnt offering. 

See? That’s very good advice for a psychopath. Religious books like these are full of gems like this one that speak to you. Pick up your copy today!

2. Learn to appear normal. This is not just a matter of later witness identification, it’s just a matter of basic courtesy. Try your best to look un-scary. Leave your hockey mask on the rink. You won’t need it at the lake. You’ll find that people react better to your presence and the comparative warmth of their reactions may not melt your psychopathic heart but it will trigger fewer slaughterous incidents. And that’s good for everyone.

3. Learn to feel normal. After you’ve mastered looking normal, you’ll want to look into that whole “feelings” business some people are always on about. This may come as a surprise to you, but you can do this entirely without cutting open your family and friends. Try asking them how they feel about things and then listening to their answers instead. Beyond that a few basic psychology classes can supplement your understanding. If it’s not, consider following the psycho-path of more than a few historical examples and become a clinical psychologist.

Start there and see how it goes!

Sasquatch: How To Deal With a Bigfoot

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sasquatchDangerSign-Small-optYOU MAY BE DEALING WITH SASQUATCH OR BIGFOOT!

Sasquatch or Bigfoot is not publicity hungry like ghosts or demons. That’s why you don’t see them very often, their mamas don’t raise fools. If you do encounter a lost bigfoot, please remember:

1. If you must take photos or video, be sensitive. He or she probably remembers the frontier days when there was a bounty on their heads and hunters took trophy photos like this one. Just the sight of camera could cause him or her to panic.

If you do upload Sasquatch photos to this site, please do not include the geo-coordinates and try to blur the faces of any minor Sasquatches under 100 years old.

2.  Do not feed the Sasquatch. They are very strict vegans and there is no way you can accommodate this diet in the city.

3. Help Bigfoot find his or her way home. Travel at night to not attract attention. Avoid impressionable spots where footprints will give away your location.

4. Don’t get too close, no matter how cold you get or how nice he seems. Sasquatches are very cuddly but also VERY strong. Think of it this way –  grizzly bears refer to dangerously tight hugs as “Sasquatch Hugs.”